Butterflies

Spring, I'm So Excited!

2011-04-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

Two Diva's That I Love

2011-03-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

Road Trip!

2011-03-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

I will be going on a road trip to Bend Oregon with one of my sisters today, it's 3 hours from Vancouver Washington and it will be fun. I enjoy hanging out with Carri, visiting, listening to music, and watching the scenery go by. A friend of ours is getting married today and it will be a celebration of love. I will be basting in this celebration, enjoying watching my friend happy and content in her new journey that she's taking on. I will miss my fur buddy, Nicholas as I leave him behind, but I know that he'll be waiting patiently for me to come home. That is a nice feeling. Enjoy your Saturday and remember to say I love you to the people in your life.

Bread

2011-03-11T06:03:00.001-08:00

I love bread; no I’m not talking about the musical group Bread even though I do enjoy their music. I’m speaking about the stuff we make sandwiches with, love the smell of when baking in the oven and makes us feel safe and warm. My birth mom use to make home made bread when she felt good and I loved it as a child and I have warm fuzzy memories of those rare occasions. Lately, I’ve been thinking about trying my hand at making bread, I especially love artisan bread and would love to learn to make it. I received a magazine from the cooking club with articles in it on how to make artisan bread. Eureka, I felt a slight twinge of delight of lollipop fantasies of me making my own artisan bread. I would love to make a healthier version instead of using the bleached white flour, maybe try combinations of healthier flours, I don’t know if it’s possible but I want to try. To top it all off, a few ago my mom (the one who chose to become my mom) gave me her old 60’s mixer. It’s in wonderful shape and I use to make things in it and have warm memories of using it. I believe the universe is talking to me, “Jamie, it’s time to make bread now, so get off your duff and do it.” So if you come by my house and there’s flour all over the counter top, you hear a mixer whirling, you’ll know why and what I want to accomplish. Now I just need to get off my duff and do it, instead of letting the sick mind of mine telling me that I’m crazy or I can’t do it. Well I’m off, I won’t be making it today, busy weekend, but hopeful when I do my next shopping trip I’ll have different types of flours in my cart to experiment with. Has anyone used any type of flour besides bleached white flour to make bread? If so, let me know how it went and if it’s good or not I would love to hear your triumphs.

Warm fuzzies

2011-03-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

I just ordered myself several Disney movies that are supposedly going back into the vault at the end of this month, Snow White, Pinochio, and Mary Poppins. I am giddy with anticipation in receiving them in the mail. I enjoy this remix someone did of the song in Snow White... Enjoy!

Eureeka I Found My Treasure!

2011-02-19T14:09:00.000-08:00

“A strong woman knows what to do. She must pick up the paddles and with all her courage row out there, to her very own portion of the sea. She may have to row around in circles a bit, or dive down some, but soon she will spot them either bobbing in the water or resting on the floor of the sea, the treasures she thought she had lost for good. Whether a heart full of love, or a soul that once prayed or a mind that loved learning or the body that felt better, they are still her treasures and are waiting to be reclaimed.” Christine Lemmon

2011-02-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

This week’s been a collage of different challenges and opportunities to learn something about myself. I went and got my cat scan, the results showed an improvement that makes my heart sing. I am currently doing the happy dance and feel up to planning something more than what I’ve been doing the last few months, since my last surgery. I feel as though I’ve turned the page and am now ready to write the next chapter of my life. Feels great!

Processing

2011-02-05T23:38:00.000-08:00

I am still processing a load of emotions. I don't know why the architecture of this building brought a sense of well being to me, I just know that it did. I will be getting the results from my contrast dye CAT scan on Tuesday. My body is letting me know that my trachea is getting worse since the last one in December. I am just getting tired of being in this same old position and that is one of many things I am processing.

Change

2011-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

This week this song says it all for my journey.

The End

2011-01-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

Writing an ending to a story that’s fictional cannot be easy, these revelations came to me because I just wrote the ending to a chapter of one aspect of my story today. When fiction’s being written you can write up all sorts of scenarios to end the story, such as, someone tripping and going through a propeller blade and being scattered or a menacing man walks up the villain and whacks him in the head or they are laying in bed together and the ceiling comes crashing down on them or the lady realizes her true potential, walks away joyously and tells the guy fuck off as she walks away. All these sound so inviting to me. Yes, I do have a dark side, that I don’t like much, but realize I must embrace because it’s an aspect that’s apart of me and if I don’t accept that aspect then I don’t accept me. Since I cannot be creative in my ending, I just have to accept that and just make the ending as good as I can. So I wrote a letter telling the person I am ending our story, farewell. I feel, relieved, even though, the dark Jamie would have liked to see the person mauled by a bear and eaten. Like that’s going to happen in a city, oh darn it. The fact remains that I care about this person, despite the deviancies in our friendship. I am also not ashamed of the fact that I have also chosen to forgive them and send them love, but for a brief moment before the revelation of LOVE hit, I wanted to kick some ass and make them hurt, like I was hurting.

I got some good news yesterday from the Rhematologist, the inflammation in my blood gone down and that makes me so happy, even though my breathing is getting worse from the scar tissue in my throat, at least one aspect of my new path of achieving good health is working. That gives me great hope and enjoyment. I have noticed that the medication been working, I am able to do things without pain. I am happy, I am going to be dancing in the streets when the scar tissue is conquered and I am able to run around and be me again. Actually, I’ve been slowly getting back to me again with new experiences and even discovering old ones that I have not done in years. I’m more aware of things then I use to be and so I don’t believe anything’s been a waste of time, even dysfunctional relationships that I had to recently write the ending to.

Essential Ingredients

2011-01-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

I read a complete book “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister and I am now 100 pages into “Angel Time” by Anne Rice both excellent books. I completed four lessons in “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, which consisted of me writing letters to myself. I found this difficult but managed to do it and felt much relief after accomplishing the task.

A surprise happened on Sunday, an old friend requested to by my friend on Face Book, which if anyone knows the story would find it rather shocking. I accepted, but have found some sort of enlightenment in the hand that’s been reached out towards me. I am still assimilating what this means and what our new found communication looks like. It’s been five years since we’ve been on good speaking terms.

This week, I’ll hopefully finish “Angel Time” by Anne Rice and do the work in “A Course In Weight Loss”. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, hopefully some more answers will be revealed. I am just taking one step at a time. I am enjoying my furry friend, Nicholas and the peacefulness of not having a dramatic roller coaster ride to sit on. Life is good. I cannot complain.

The Beginning

2011-01-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

The first week of the year just ended. I ordered myself seven books to read while I’m in the process of healing from another surgery. This time I chose stories that weren’t doctor oriented and scary such as the Frankenstein series by Dean Koontz. I learned my lesson, do not ever read a scary story before going into surgery, because you never know what you will be hallucinating while under the influence of drugs they give you to knock you out. And I was living in my hallucinations the story of Frankenstein and using my own characters and family as part of my story, not a good thing.

My breathing issue returned I feel it. I am more aware of it than I have ever been. The closing off of my airway, gasping for air while I do my chores, or walk to my mailbox, or even around the grocery store becomes an ingredient in the choices that I make. Dr. Anderson could be injecting a cell killer to stop the scar tissue from growing; he’s reluctant because the stuff is highly toxic. You have to put it exactly where you want it and leave on for a certain amount of time. It takes precision, I believe in Dr. Anderson. He’s been the most caring doctor that I’ve had. Luckily, I have 3 of them on my team and so I don’t feel alone. Even though my family is aware of my circumstances, they cannot imagine that ordeal of losing the ability to breathe takes to ones spirit, emotions, and physical ness. There are no words to describe the terrifying feeling or even the sense of hopelessness.

So this week my plans are to watch Hamlet with Patrick Stewart. Oh how I love this mans acting. And read one of the 10 books that I am now in possession of thanks to my sister in law Kris and to Barnes and Nobles whom I bought some books from. The first book I’ll start will be “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister. The title jumped out at me, because I love to cook. Though I have not had a chance to do it for quite some time. I am also starting “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson. I am doing this deep soul work along with the eating plan of Jorge Cruise. My sister in law and her family have started doing it, so it’s encouraged me to get back into the program. I’ve lost my ump for life. This week will be a blast.

New Year

2010-12-31T15:05:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe a year’s been here and the end apparently so close. My mind’s swirling with the journey I took. I feel as though I took a trip to Africa, Italy, Egypt, Ireland, Japan, and back to my own nest. I am more than positive most of you know the biggest event of the year, my month long stay at South West Washington Medical Center here in Vancouver, Washington. I feel truly blessed with a wonderful doctor who despite my spastic vocal cord kept me going. The nurses, even the ones who took care of me while I hallucinated many fantastic images kept right on working and showing me great respect anyway. I hear I’m feisty when I am not fully myself. So they deserve high praise for their calm demeanor while I became a crazy lady.

I learned lot with my experience, the love and support of my family and friends while weak and discovering the ones who weren’t such great family and friends. 2011 will be a year of more self-discovery and the journey to good health. I will have a great year.

How To Train Your Dragon.

2010-12-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

On the recommendation from my nephew Jesse, who happens to love DRAGONS he loaned me his DVD copy of "How To Train Your Dragon". I am not a big fantasy fan yet I fell in love with the reptile in "How To Train Your Dragon" named Toothless. Even though his head was shaped like a snake and he would throw out fire from his mouth, he seemed playful as a dog or a cat. I don't know if Toothless changed my views on reptiles, I am willing to see that they want to live like the rest of us and maybe I won't be so apt to run away screaming. I identified with the character Hiccup and the relationships he experienced from his family and his tribe. If I had the chance to kill a dragon or even a reptile I wouldn't be able to do it either. Adult and children will both enjoy this film and enjoy the story, the animation, and the expression of the Dragons. Watch it, that's my recommendation. And thank you Jesse for the recommendation and letting your aunt borrow your DVD.

Nicholas

2010-11-14T03:28:00.000-08:00

Meet Nicholas, my new pet. I adopted him from my niece. Six months old, rumbustious, and full of life he is.

Obstalces And Fear

2010-09-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~Orison Swett Marden

Pain, Do Not Avoid.

2010-09-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

"Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. However, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble." Caroline Myss (Anatomy Of The Spirit)

On my journey through my throat surgery, painful loss's have perpetually engulfed me. I had many people tell me that I'm not living a life where God can bless me. My thoughts to these accusations is how do you know? Maybe, just maybe my experiences are teaching me to appreciate my life and maybe these obstacles and truly blessings in themselves. Life is painful, yet, somehow we expect God and prayer to magically fix everything, but how do you classify a fix? My journey taught me many lessons, perserverance, patiences, appreciation, love, thankfulness, and most of all how to engage myself into not judging others and their afflictions. Each step that I took on my path to healing was apparently meant to be for me to value myself and the people who actually love me and to allievate me from the falseness of the people who do not love me. That's my journey now, healing, and directing my life in a different way. The process is painful, but well worth it.

2010-09-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Goodbye To The Old, Hello To The New

2010-08-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

I am finding it hard to say goodbye. Has anyone ever had that trouble? I love Madonna and I especially love the song "The Power Of Goodbye".

2010-08-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm Alright

2010-08-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him. The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore. Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog. Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose. My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely. Well, I need to get going...

Can You Guess What Kind Of Mood I'm In?

2010-08-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

Trach To Trachless

2010-08-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Back To Myself

2010-08-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

What a journey I've been on for the last month. July 20th was suppose to be a normal routine one day surgery and then I could go home. Did not end up that way. My brother Rob came with me, as everyone else, sisters Carri, Joy, Vickie were all busy and unable to stay with me. I thought everything would be just fine, as I've had the procedure before. Nope, my vocal cords decided to spasm and cause the doctors a problem and myself a problem with breathing. I was incubated for one week, they cut a trek into my throat. Still there, not the actual trek, but the hole of the trek. I feel like a whale with the blow hole. A strange sensation when you sneezes come out of your throat and not your nose. I had many hallucinations in the ICU, which caused my family to worry about me. Being so long without oxygen was the cause. I cannot remember my family being there, the medicine they gave me caused amnesia, thank God for that, because apparently I had some amazing visions. This last surgery worked and I am grateful to Dr. Anderson for all his help and his skill as an ENT. He is a very compassionate doctor and I would recommend him. It has taken me a long time to find doctors who cared, years in fact I was going through this whole ordeal and no one would help. I decided to keep looking and finally my prayers were answered and Doctor Houghton recommended doctor Anderson. I spent one month in the hospital, just got home on Wednesday.I spent two weeks in rehab learning to walk and function again. I still feel wobbly, and unsure about many things. I am usually an independent person, asking for help is a big stress for me. I made some decisions though, one is to get back to my authentic self and take care of me. For years I've been focusing on someone else and it turned out to be extremely unhealthy. Secondly, I will let my family help me without the guilt. My sister Joy stayed with me from Wednesday night until Sunday. I loved her company and we've watched all 5 DVDs that I had out of my Netflix account. Get Smart, Next, Saving Grace season one, Monk season 5, and Criminal Minds season 3. More will be coming. I am changing my routine, and not isolate myself inside of my apartment. All I can say is that this whole experience has become a big learning experience for me. I learned that I had true LOVE with my family, my brother Rob stayed by my bed when he wasn't working, reading to me. Because it took a week for the rest of the family to get there. So, he was alone for a week dealing with watching me in a bad situation. I am grateful to him, because I haven't felt particularly close to him over the years. It was nice to know that he loves me. Then Carri, driving our mom down to the hospital and organizing, doing, and accomplishing what I needed. And sticking up for me when certain people weren't painting me in a good light. Thank you Carri for all that you did. My mom for loving me, sitting with me, even though it was uncomfortable. Joy you too, thank you.Vickie for flying out here from Alabama to see me, and helping organize my finances while I was unable to. I have an amazing family. My friends that wrote me amazing messages on Facebook, Amber for visiting me in the hospital and the amazing orchids she gave me. Mandy for the card and the words of encouragement. Sarah, Bianca, Julie, Amber S for the same words of encouragement means a lot to me.

2010-07-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

"Human skin is porous; the world flows through you. Your senses are large pores that let the world in. By being attuned to the wisdom of your senses, you will never become an exile in your own life, an outsider lost in an external spiritual place that your will and intellect, have constructed — John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom) ."

What's Love?

2010-07-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

"No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest." John O'Donohue (Anam Cara) Many months ago, I started John O'Donohue's "Anam Cara", feeling extremely agitated with his description of love and soul friends, I had to set it down. Recently, I picked it up. Love, what is it? What does it feel like, look like, etc? On my 36th birthday, in May, I requested the magnificent universe to show me what LOVE is. That's my journey at this point, because my definition of love and friendship does not meet the experiences that I've had. Judgment, maliciousness, controlling, manipulative, and cruel actions that leave me feeling overly exhausted. I want real, is that possible? I do not want to end up as my mother or sister, so paranoid about every ones intentions that I've ceased to exist, to enjoy my life, to meet true and honest people. That's my quandary, that's my quest, that's my hope. Maybe it's a pipe dream.

Flower Power!

2010-07-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

“And so here is the hard part: We have to go into the sludge and look for it all. Like La Llorona, we have to drag the river for our soul life, for our creative lives. And one more thing, also difficult: We must clean up the river so La Llornona can see, so she and we can find the souls of the children and be at peace to create again.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes I've been in a emotionally bad spot for a long time now. So, guess what I've been doing? You got it, sitting around feeling sorry for myself and cutting myself off from the people who have shown me they love me for years. How absolutely silly of me to be doing. I've had plans for many years, instead of pursuing them, I've been chasing a fallacy, an illusion for five long years. Maybe someday I'll see the true blessing of the whole emotional roller coaster ride I've been on. Right now, that's an impossible feat for me to do. Unusual for me. Buying myself a bouquet of flowers, sunflowers, not sure what the other two are, but they were purple, cheerful, and whimsical. A much needed display of beauty and inspiration. Love this Estes quote. Am now off to clear my river and create.

2010-07-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

Sunday Serenity

2010-06-13T15:47:00.001-07:00

Planet Earth

2010-06-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

Watched the BBC "Planet Earth" disc three today. Wolves were shown on the "Great Plains" episode, along with some beautiful creatures. Amazing how all these creatures survive and live thru all sorts of disasters and enemies who are out to feed off of them.

Instrument Of Peace

2010-06-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Lips Unsealed

2010-06-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

Just read Belinda Carlisle's memoir "Lips Unsealed" about her life, her thoughts, and her miraculous healing from addiction from drugs and alcohol. I love Belinda Carlisle, her style, her attitude, her voice, and most of all her ability to transform herself. So, was surprised by her expressing a lack of self worth and esteem. Personally, and I'm sure not the only person who believes this, but she's a beauty. I enjoyed her memoir a lot, and felt that she was being real about her life, not unlike some memoirs you read and you feel that the person is not being real about anything. It's a great memoir and worth the time to read, especially if you are a fan.

Loving My Planet

2010-06-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

I'm watching disc two of the BBC Planet Earth Series. This disc includes "Caves", "Desert", and "Ice Worlds". I absolutely love the two discs of this series that I've seen so far and can't wait until the other three come my way. Despite the anger that I'm feeling about the oil spill and the selfish, thoughtless acts that BP has done to our resources. I cannot help but in awe of our planet and all the critters, humans, and plant life that's all around us. We are stewards of the planet, so shouldn't we be respectful and nurturing to it? We do have to live here and we are suppose to be the smartest species, sometimes I do wonder if that's true. Anyway, just a small reminder to be nurturing to myself and to the other living things on our planet...

The Most Powerful Computer

2010-06-07T05:50:00.001-07:00

The Brain... Amazing how powerful that walnut looking body part is. Every part of our body is controlled by some cortex of the brain and then we don't think about the care or maintenance required to sustain our lives. You are considered dead when you're brain is not functioning, even when your heart is beating, you are still gone. You are off line, not connected to your body anymore. The reason I've started on a rambling musing about the brain centers on the fact Saturday I went to a seminar with my sister Carri and several women discussing abuse, trauma, and development of the brain. And guess what happened, my fascination and curiosity followed. The speaker Partricia Warford captured my intellectual mind with her entire speech. I never realized how we developed in the womb, and how soon we actually start connecting outside the womb. Ten days after conception we start noticing, hearing, and feeling our mother. We can hear her, even thru all the gunk, we hear her. Then at three months your hearing is even stronger and you start recognizing outside, such as your father or siblings and we are drawn to that relationship. That's amazing to me. That helps our brain acquire language skills. Language I learned, is centered in the part of the brain that our emotions are in. So emotions and language are so connected. Warford got me to analyzing myself in so many ways and how to nurture your brain for healing and especially from the trauma sustained thru life. No wonder so many problematic fractures such as PTSD, RADS, and others have happened. Food for thought, food for considering the importance of nurture becomes to individuals. I took so many notes, but want to do some more research before sharing them all. So more posts will eventually be written.

Book Giveaway

2010-06-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

My lovely sister Joy generously is hosting a giveaway on a book titled "The Cast Aways" GO sigh up for the chance to win a new summer read.

Serenity

2010-06-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

Grace And Gratitude

2010-06-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Olivia Newton-Johns starred in the DVD that I watched by Deepak Chopra "The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success", she wrote and sang on the DVD and brought back the fact that I love her and her music and her spiritual journey. I want her CD "Grace And Gratitude" and will get the CD soon. The Chopra DVD is very good and inspirational, informative, and challenging.

Up In The Air

2010-06-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

Last night before dreamland, I watched George Clooney's Movie "Up In The Air. Absolutely, loved the movie, could be simply that George Clooney charm and talent brings a certain quality to the story or the fact, that the story hit a certain spot. It's both, at least to me. Watch this movie and enjoy humor, tenderness, romance, and love, all sorts of love between all the individuals involved, that quality made the story stand out the most to me.

Appreciating My Planet.

2010-06-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

While sitting and healing, started watching "The Planet Earth" series that everyone raved about a couple of years ago. Finally, am watching and must say that I'm absolutely in love with the my planet and the way they have filmed it. Have to admit I've only seen disc one of the series and am so excited to get the other four discs from Netflix.

Refugee

2010-05-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Absolutely love this song. For the last couple of days, since my surgery last Tuesday, many things have been popping in my dreams, have no idea if my dreams are induced by the drugs for the pain or just simply my spirit telling me "its time to wake up". I'm inclined to believe it's spirit, God, the divine wisdom that resides in me. As my friend Linda so amply put this morning, "i don't have to eat the whole elephant at one time." Which tends to be what happens when I've finally made up my mind. So, for the month of June will be trying an experiment, will be asking spirit, Jesus, God, the divine what's one thing to do today, and then do that one thing whatever it is. Will not be living as a refugee anymore...

Home At Last

2010-05-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm home, never thought I'd be so excited to be at home. My one day surgery turned out to be a three day stay, only two or three more surgeries before the problem in my throat is cured. Acid reflux while I'm sleeping is the cause, am so glad that it wasn't the other two variables Dr. Anderson suggested. Am feeling blessed, relieved, and a deep sense of gratitude. So, a couple of days of rest, then time to start on my five things to accomplish this month. While at the hospital I started Dr. Wayne Dyers book Inspirations and am loving it. Something so real and thought provoking about him. Well, am off to go read and get some rest.

The Beginning Of My 36th Year.

2010-05-24T04:36:00.000-07:00

One day until surgery, yes, another surgery just as before. I'll be having at three more until whatever is in my throats gone. The strange thing, am at peace with it. Grateful, finally answers to my questions. Tomorrow I'll even have more answers. Some how the last six months brought on some changes to my attitude and even to my relationships. My thirty sixth year will be a miraculous adventure. That became evident on my birthday, which was Friday. The whole day, one thing after another happened, both good and bad and somehow everything meshed well. To where fear, anger, resentment, and most of all paralysis have vanished. Compulsion to sit around and wait for a certain friend to be a friend disappeared to where it does not matter at all. I've got plans, and also the gumption to get them done, only two days and then the gate to my journey will be open to me and the next chapter of my life can begin. Actually, its already began last Friday, the first day of my thirty sixth year. Where for the first time, contentment and love resided beside me with my family and friends, from close by, to far away. My sister in law Chris took me to the Rose Garden, the roses weren't all in bloom, but many flowers were. Where we walked a little ways and saw the outline of this magnificent city garden located in Portland Oregon. Plans for going back are in my agenda this summer. Then we drove around for eighty miles looking at awesome homes and scenic views and yep, cemetaries too. Then we went home and ate cheese, bread, and played a couple of games before going to my home at 4 AM. Many more great days will happen...

Freedom

2010-05-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

How many.

2010-05-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Mother's Day and Spring

2010-05-15T17:01:00.001-07:00

Song I Hate

2010-05-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm giving up on you
How could I ever call you mine
You're too pretty, too simple, too easy
You're just a waste of time, yeah

And I won't miss you when you're gone
You never move me anyway
I wanna wish you all the best and send you off
I hope somebody finds you entertaining

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You know it gets so hard, so hard to keep moving on
Through all your petty little changes
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes
Wish you away

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You're the song I (x3)
You're the song I hate

I tried so hard to change you to make you
Something I could enjoy
But you insist on just acting the plaything
You're just a toy, just a toy

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You're the song I (x3)
You're the song that I hate

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

Yeah
The song that I hate
Uh!
You're the song I hate

Tulips

2010-05-01T17:10:00.001-07:00

Me From The Inside

2010-04-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

Went and got another CT Scan at Vancouver Radiology. A surprise they gave me a photo copy of my scan. I find it a miraculous thing to see my brain, throat, and spine. Am hoping to be having surgery to cure my breathing issue sometime in May.

Digging For My Stash

2010-04-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Am up early this morning, planning on getting a few things done to prepare for my upcoming surgery. This week on Jorge Cruise, I backslide and didn't loose anything at all. Loads of stuff overruled my mind and that took over. When mindful of what I'm putting in my body so many good things happen. Step three has become a soul searching quest to find something else to do besides stuff my face when faced with the unknown and the frustrating obstacles that seem to appear out of thin air. Now onto new a better things and burying new nuts to dig up later. Watched a squirrel digging up his/hers old nuts from the winter, made me think are they still edible? Hmm, a good question, truthfully how many things in my life have I horded, from emotions, to people, things, and old habits and then they become stall, not useful, and just plan old rancid yet we still use them, eat them, and allow them around just because we horded them and feel bad about being wasteful. What kind of thinking is that? Not very healthy. So, realizing this some deep soul searching and reveral of choices has become another focus in my life...

Sping

2010-04-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Springs in the air, love the smell of rain on a spring day. Smells clean, a since of renewal clings the flowers, grass, roads, cars, and everything the drops hit. Took these photos at my mom's house. I have fond memories of walking home from school and seeing all the tulips, azaleas, and daffodils waiting for me to get home. I received a phone call this afternoon, have to go get another CT Scan. Somehow they took the x-ray in the wrong spot. What can you do. Still waiting but hopeful.

Something Fun

2010-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

Your Orchids Say You're Very Elegant

You are exotic and intricately beautiful.

You possess a unique grace that's both delicate and strong.

You are thoughtful and refined. You are the definition of class.

Some people may find you unapproachable, but it's only their lack of confidence speaking.

What Do The Flowers You Pick Say About You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Excuses

2010-04-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Finally finished a book I've been reading since December, "Excuses Begone!" written by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Dyer gave me a lot to analyze and to contemplate through out his book, many of his insight about memes shook me up. For example: the excuse, that's just my nature, truly if you wanted that part of yourself to change you can do it. I'm tending towards believing him about excuses and using them as crutches so you can stay stuck in unproductive behavior patterns and just to have some thing to bitch about to others and to beat yourself up over, instead of just saying hey, I've got the power to change this because I'm from the divine source that made me. So, considering all this, I've taken steps to be the divine creature I've been born to be. step one, conquering the breathing issue that's been perplexing me for two years and taking the necessary steps to do what needs to get done. Went to get a CT scan today, and next Tuesday will be an appointment with the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist to remedy the problem. Surgery, where he will remove the section of my throat where the scaring is and reattaching it. I believe this is the right choice for me. I'm amazed by the way everything seems to be coming together and no problems are presenting themselves. My family is coming together and rallying to support me. Step two, starting the Jorge Cruise "Belly Fat" eating plan. I've been eating this way for a little over two weeks and the results are truly amazing to me. Though today, I have cheated, by eating tater tots today, but not that many of them. Wanted some comfort food, because of the ordeal with the CT scan, not fun to have done, but made it through. Though, I've only made two steps so far, am hoping to make many more. Read Dr. Wayne Dyers' "Excuses Begone", it's truly a life changing read.

The Belly Fat Cure Diet

2010-04-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I started the Jorge Cruise Belly Fat Cure Diet along with my sister Carri. So far, I've lost nine inches and ten pounds. I'm very pleased with the whole process and the results, it's easy to follow and do, not hard at all. Here's an example one of his recipes on youtube.com. Also Jorge Cruise has a website with great information.

Freedom

2010-03-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

My Stones

2010-02-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

Yes Another One

2010-02-06T21:14:00.001-08:00

You Are a Thunderstorm

You are a bit temperamental and unpredictable. You have a lot of pent up energy.

You don't strike often, but when you do it can be deadly. You can be extremely destructive.

People find you to be amazing and awesome. You can be a bit scary at times, but that just adds to your appeal.

You tend to get other people excited whenever you're riled up. You aren't usually the only storm in town.

What Kind of Storm Are You?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

Zebra Stripes

2010-02-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged in a long time, close to a month. Lots of things are rambling around in my mind and words do not seem to want to jump out of my head and into the computer or even my journal. I am hoping that will change soon.
I found this quiz, it is a fun thing.

You Are Mysterious

You are a puzzling person to both strangers and friends. Often your actions seem to contradict each other.

You don't mind being complex, though it isn't something you necessarily strive for. You just are complicated.

You follow your heart, and often times your heart is divided. You don't tend to act consistently.

You believe that people can change, and you're good with that. You certainly change weekly - if not daily!

The Zebra Test

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

I Am Longing For Spring

2010-01-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

Trampoline Time!

2010-01-12T23:44:00.000-08:00

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I received my mini-trampoline in the mail today. I am so excited. Fun was not had when it came to assembling, true strength and patients was needed. I enjoyed my three mini two minute workouts. Right now I’m concentrating on balancing, doing the major acrobats that the lady demonstrates on the DVD is not doable, at least not yet.
I’m still in the process of working thru a lot of mental and emotional stress that’s been eating away at me. So, I’m focusing on the physical to ease some of the tension. I do have goals, dreams, desires, feelings, and I’m processing thru all of them, making doable plans that work for me. A new thing for me…

Sunday Serenity

2010-01-10T01:19:00.000-08:00

I received Dr. Wayne W Dyer’s Spiritual Solutions on DVD in the mail from NetFlix today. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the program. I watched it twice.
I gathered many cool points, I’m so thankful that I found the experiment he did in the program and also the prayer from Frances of Assi’s prayer. A lot of what he said sparked many ideas and realizations. I’m going through a hard time, re-evaluating many aspects of my life. Seems to me that I’m always doing that, maybe life is about evaluating what works and what doesn’t. I’m at a turning point in my life and a choice must be executed no matter what. I am going to follow through on something that my inner self has been telling me for a long time. It’s time… Taking a break from a certain relationship on my own terms, instead of his, and I am sure I’ll be lonely and want to contact him in some form, I also believe that I am strong and stubborn enough to not do it. I proved that to myself already with other things.

LORD, make us instruments of Your peace.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that we may not seek to much

to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardonning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen

-- Attributed to John Bernardone ("Francis of Assisi"), 13th Century

Health And Spirit My Theme For 2010

2010-01-09T03:58:00.000-08:00

I recently signed up for Netflix. I’m enjoying getting DVDs in the mail. I watched Ruby, The First 100 Pounds and I got inspired. I am on my own journey to fight the battle of being obese. I found her blog, also she’s on face book, since I do not have any way of watching TV I can keep up with her progress and read her inspiring story.
That’s not the only DVD I have gotten, I’ve been going movie crazy. As soon as I get one, I watch and send it back right away. I don’t have much of a life, plus I am still recovering from my almost two year battle to breathe. I am hoping to incorporate other things into my life, slowly, as I am on the journey to see what I love in my life. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of two books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Cheryl Richardson.
I fell in love with the movie Julie and Julia. Oh my, I love to cook, but have lost the inspiration. I do not have anyone to cook for but myself. I eat easy now a days, occasionally I will whip up a soup or stew. I still enjoyed Julie Powell’s journey of cooking through Julia Child’s French cookbook. I will be whipping up some great recipes soon, even if I am the only one who gets to enjoy them.
I’ve also watched Ghost Hunters, The Biggest Loser: Yoga, not very good in my opinion, and 1408. I am expecting Reign Over Me and Wayne Dyer: Spiritual Solutions. Do you see a theme forming? I do, health and spirit seems to be my motto for the year. My queue of movies seems to be growing as I research them out.

Demon Of The Fat Lady

2010-01-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

“You’ve been provided with a perfect body to house your soul for a few brief moments in eternity. So regardless of its size, shape, color, or any imagined infirmities, you can honor the temple that houses you by healthfully, exercising, listening to your bodies needs, and treating it with dignity and love.” Dr. Wayne Dyer.

I went to bed early and got up early. It’s four in the morning while I am writing this. I’ve been in a perpetual hell the last couple of weeks, maybe closer to a month now. A friend who I have held dear despite the many ups and downs of our past together is behaving in a malicious and cruel way towards me again. It seems from the pattern it always happens when they are in a new relationship. I have let it derail me long enough, it’s time to just let everything go and let it flow. I’m tired of being beaten up emotionally by the same old pattern of our relationship. I feel powerless, I’ve let it warp my mind to the point where I have not accomplished any of my dreams, hopes, desires, and just plain old living my life. I got out of the hospital 3 weeks ago tomorrow. The traumatic experience of not being able to breathe properly for a long time left me feeling a lot of emotional things. Then wham, another blow to me, someone decides to insult me and be a jerk. I’ve had enough, I’m tired of wallowing in the pain of rejection and dejection. I am drawing the line and putting a stop to this whack out thinking in my head.
I am obese, I have been losing weight for the last 5 years, its been going up and down. Luckily, I have not reached my highest weight 397 pounds, and I am stubborn enough not to let myself get that far gone. I am out of control in my eating again, yes, I have the classic eating addiction. I eat especially when I am going through any emotional trauma and the last 5 years has been a roller coaster of events. I proved to myself that I am a strong woman, hey, I fought not being able to breathe for 2 years, don’t you think I can fight the demon of the fat lady, who conjures herself up every time a new disaster faces her. I know I can. So, my choice is to get back on the weight loss horse and get moving. I walked down my hallway today, hopefully my new mini trampoline comes soon and I’m getting back into the practice of mindfulness that I’ve been preaching to everyone else about for many moons. It’s hard to take your own advice, so I am tired of being a talker and not a doer. So I am doing.
I am sure there will be obstacles along the way, I am hoping the tools that I do have will stop my spiral before I get to spawn on the self destructive path again.
I am going to trust the few people I have in my life and trust my inner most sacred voice that guides me.
I started the first step, I am fasting for a couple of days. From today, Friday until Monday. I am fasting, drinking lots of water and other fluids. I am jump starting my body into a new regiment. I am also doing something different, I’m going to keep track of every morsel that I put into my mouth so that I can gauge how much I am consuming every day. I’ll keep you posted on my progress every Friday that will help me be accountable. Until next Friday, have a healthy and blissful week.

Starbucks An Old Friend, And Self Evauluation

2010-01-06T00:26:00.000-08:00

I met with an old friend that I have not seen in many years, Sarah. I enjoyed our visit. My nerves were jumping up and down waiting to met up with her at Starbucks, she and I were never that close of friends. I did admire her from afar. We both got awake tea, she crochet while we visited.
I have a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly whats on my mind is where do I go from here. Everyone has ideas and opinions, usually, I would jump up and do whatever anyone would say that I needed to do. I am too exhausted to even think of doing that, each person in my life has an idea. I have been focusing on this one friendship for many years, up and down, all around it goes. I am on nauseating roller coaster ride that continues to be the same thing. I am so tired of it. How many times do you have to hear from someone they do not enjoy your company, you embarrass them in public, or whatever other cruel things they say to you? I am apparently not human in this persons eyes.
I am tired of being in an unhealthy relationship. I sometimes feel like I want to avoid having any type of relationship with anyone, but I know that is not the answer. I do need some time to myself, I feel in my heart that is the next step, I've been putting that off, like I've been putting off exercising, eating correctly, reading, writing, school, and so many other things that I can't think of them all.
So, after two weeks from the surgery and my near death experience, I'm once again waiting for the next step. I want to scream, wheres my next step universe. What the hell am I suppose to do now? My house shows the chaotic state that I am in now, I am one of those believers that believe the clutter demonstrates the state that you are in. Since I've moved into my apartment last August, I've been keeping it clean and organized, I've been slacking off on it since Monte, yep, that's the friend I am speaking about.
I am choosing to let all the painful communication go between us and concentrate on what I want for a change. I am going to figure that out. That truly is the next step. I cannot do what someone else expects me to do anymore. I've got to go about things in my own timing and way. Quoting my sister Vickie and my friend Sarah, "It is what it is". I am taking those words into my psyche.

Happy Birthday Mom.

2010-01-04T00:22:00.000-08:00

Sunday was my mom's 78th birthday, so all four of us kids got to spend it with her. i had a great time...

Levi my nephew.

My mom opening her birthday gifts.

My sister Joy and our mom. My mom's 78 as of Sunday...

My sister Joy sewing one of her bookmarks.

Picture Of The Day

2010-01-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

Here is a photograph I took yesterday on my road trip to Rice Hill with two of my sisters and my niece. We had a grand day...

Snowy Weather

2009-12-29T20:59:00.000-08:00

It’s snowing! It’s gorgeous outside, I’m thankful I didn’t have to drive in it. I had fun watching the giant snowflakes fall from the sky, and watching the kids play in the snow.
I now have a TV to watch my DVDs on, a friend’s mother gave me a 19 inch TV and I just got it all set up today. I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to for 2010, my sister Joy is visiting from Phoenix Oregon, school, more weight loss, I can breath, and of course, my beautiful apartment. I am slowly getting back into the groove of my life, concentrating on getting healthy for the fall quarter of college. I am still a bit sick, coughing, but I still sound good and its not getting me down at all.

Christmas Blessings

2009-12-26T15:19:00.000-08:00

A slight set back made itself know the last couple of days. My right ankle swelled up and my left wrist and elbow too. I am still grateful that I can breath and these are symptoms of my body trying to heal itself with oxygen and also I haven’t been able to function for a long time. Epsom salt baths help the pain and so does ibuprofen.
Despite the pain, I went to my brother Rob’s house for Christmas where we had a fabulous dinner. I got to see my mom, who hasn’t been able to see me well and she’s doing awesome herself, my sister Carri and her son Levi, and of course, Rob’s family. I enjoyed myself playing games of Apple to Apples and a new game of Catan. My brother Rob who doesn’t usually participate in games played both with us. It was fun…
I received a blood pressure monitor and warm fuzzy socks for Christmas from my sister Carri and my mom. I also got a new wardrobe from my sister Vickie too. My friend Monte gave me a gift card for Barnes and Nobles, a nice surprise.
I am still taking it easy, not going to let my ankle, elbow, and wrist detour me from exercising or accomplishing my plans. I won’t be my usual bull self and over do it.
I got an unexpected coffee invite from an old friend that I have not seen in forever. I am going. It will be awesome to see her and hear about her adventures.
I am also working on my list of goals for 2010 and I’ll be posting them here and on Creative Change. I feel that I have missed so much with the strydor breathing issue that I am having a hard time not overwhelming myself with everything I want to do and accomplish. I am having a hard time remembering that I must take it easy… It’s also about choices and I believe I am going to just choose 3 things at a time for now. I don’t want to wear myself out or discourage myself from even trying. How do you encourage yourself when you have new goals ahead of you?

Sick, But Grateful!

2009-12-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

I feel terrible. After last weeks big deal, now I am fighting a stuffy nose, sore throat, and an ear ache. I want to go spend Christmas with my brother Rob and his family, but I fear that will not happen if I continue to have this sickness. On top of that, someone that I consider to be a friend is acting like a butthead. Saying he only likes hanging with me half the time and I make him uncomfortable and so on. I don’t need anymore. I am feeling so exhausted by last weeks ordeal and the year long battle to get some oxygen and now this. My head cold is not what’s bothering me. It’s the fact that for 5 years this same old battle with my friend goes on and on. He is not clear on anything, I do not know what the heck is going on. I never will, I realize.
I am taking a week to myself, to rest, to heal, to get better both physically and emotionally. I need this. Today, I did absolutely nothing, no chores, nothing at all. I watched several movies Alexander with Colin Ferrell and Angelina Jolie. I don’t know if I like Oliver Stones version or not.
Despite being sick, I am thankful I can take a deep breath and walk to my mail box and not sound like a moose. I am still making long term plans for my future. I need rest and retreat to come to terms with everything I’ve gone through. I’ll keep everyone posted on what everything and my progress.

I Can Breath!

2009-12-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

I am back on the net. I haven’t been able to blog for five months. In the mean time, so many things have happened to me.
For over a year, I’ve been literally fighting to breath. It first started when I gained seventy five pounds of water in two days, they couldn’t hear my lungs with the stethoscope. That was over a year ago. Slowly, as time went on, it got worse. I do not know how to describe the debilitating feeling and embarrassment I felt going out in public. I sounded like a moose to myself, so I can just imagine what it sounded like to everyone else. I knew something was wrong, family and friends did to, but nothing was discovered which was irritating. I couldn’t function well, I forced myself to accomplish what I had to. It was not a life at all.
In March of 2009 I moved in with my nephew and his wife, did not go well. They couldn’t handle watching me, I truly do not blame them. While there, I got myself established with a great doctor. Dr. Collins started helping me, doing blood tests, I wasn’t making blood, a vital part of being a human. He couldn’t figure out why. In October, I got so tired of living a mundane existence that I made an appointment with him to help me with my breathing. It seemed to have gotten worse. I could take a breath in, but I couldn’t feel it in my lungs. Try this, take a huge breath, feel your lungs and see your chest rise, mine was not doing that. When I got to his office on that October day, he heard my moose call, it alarmed him. He gave me a nebulizer treatment, a steroid shot, an inhaler, and steroid pills. It all seemed to help for a brief moment, I felt high, but still no lung action. He also scheduled me for a lung function test, thank God he did that instead of an x-ray or a CT scan, because that is what ultimately saved my life. On December 10th, my sister Carri and I went in for my lung function test. Oh man, that was the hardest thing I had to do. I couldn’t do it. Carl the technician was patient and kind and seemed alarmed. He made several comments to me " I never seen anyway breathe that way before". In the car, Carri my sister told me that my lips were blue. After the test, I drove home. Rob, my brother met me at my apartment and carried my groceries in. I had to take several breaks. 15 minutes after Rob left, Dr. Collins called me personally. He couldn’t reach me, because my stupid cell phone kept going to voice mail. Finally he reached me, he told me that the lung function test said I had a constriction somewhere in my neck or chest. He wanted me to go back to Longview a forty five minute drive back to get a CT scan and then I was to go back to his office where he was going to have me admitted. I did not feel up to driving back to Longview, so my sister in law and my sister got me there. Carri, a trooper stayed with me thru out the whole ordeal. I had to wait 3 hours in the CT scan for the blood test and then they injected contrast die into my arm and ran the test. Then we waited in the waiting room for hours it seemed. Where the desk nurse thought for sure I was going to be admitted. Dr. Collins went home, and his on call Dr., Dr. Randall called the desk to talk to me and told me the CT scan saw nothing and I was free to go home. He said to me that I should be ok sense I’ve been dealing with this for over a year. I was too pooped to scream or do anything. That is what I wanted to do. Carri saw that my face was disappointed and I was going to cry, but I didn’t. So we called my big sister in Alabama and told her what was going on. She told Carri to take me to the ER. So, we went. The desk lady there heard my strydor cough. A strydor cough is the cough that happens when you are getting close to dying. She rushed me into the ER room, and the doctor was in there in seconds. I had several nurses working on me. I felt overwhelmed, tired, pissed off, grateful, and so many feelings that I couldn’t keep it all together. I tried to remain calm, but I felt this stinging anger towards Dr. Randall. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t hear what everyone else heard. Dr. Lucas, the ER doctor, called a Dr. Davis, an Ear Nose and Throat doctor from his home. He thought I sounded like an interesting case. He came in, talked for a minute then took out his lycroscope, which is a long tool, looks like a fishing pole with a microscope at the end of it. He stuck it in and down my left nostril and to the base of my throat and had me do sounds so he could seem thru my voice box. That was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever gone thru. It didn’t hurt, felt so strange having something go down my nose and to my throat. Felt like a big, long burger, yuck. I felt like one of those alien movies where the alien was sticking his probe down my nose. I am thankful for that tool, because of that tool, Dr. Davis saw what the problem was. He didn’t say anything, accept that he was going to see the CT scan and then talk to the radiologist. He came back with Dr. Lucas and told us what was up. I felt relieved. Scared, but relieved, because finally there was an answer. I was admitted to the hospital at OHSU in Portland Oregon. I was so glad I didn’t drive myself. I didn’t leave for OHSU until 2 Am and got to OHSU at about 3 AM. Where I got examined and admitted into the hospital, at about 5 AM I had my room. I was so exhausted, but still felt relieved. I had a beautiful room, the presidential suit at OHSU. I saw Mt. Hood and a glorious sunrise. My room was so huge for just one person. Even though I was struggling with breathing, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my body. I didn’t mind the IVS, the blood pressure checks, the IV drip, and all the hoopla associated with being in the hospital. I had a team of Doctors who were going to help and I’ll soon be able to function again.
At 11 Am, I went in for my surgery. Dr. Flint performed the surgery, thank you so much. They put another IV into my wrist, ouch… I had a 90 percent blockage of scar tissue just below my voice box. They took a biopsy, all the tests were clear. They think I have an auto immune disease. So, I am going in for blood tests to see if that is the case. There is a 50 percent chance it can come back, at least now Dr. Collins and I can take care of it. My throat still feels sore and I feel stretched just below my neck, yet, I am so thankful for all the doctors, family, and my few friends who have and are still supporting me. My sister Vickie flew up from Alabama to stay with me. She just went home today. We had a great time visiting and getting to know each other as adults. She went with me to Dr. Collins office. She told me she felt that I was just going to give up and that was what I was doing. Ricky my nephew felt that was too. That wasn’t the case. Dr. Collins, Dr. Flint both asked how did I do it. How did I not lay down and give up on my life? All I could say was I do not know. I forced myself, but that really isn’t the answer. I feel that it wasn't my time to go. I still have many goals and pursuits to journey thru. I have been told and I am thinking to myself, since I am strong enough to survive this, I can do anything I set my mind to.
Now, I am on my way to recovering. I now feel that I will be able to go back to school next fall, to lose the 80 pounds to reach 200 pounds, and whatever my heart desires. Now I feel free to dream again. All I could concentrate on was trying to breathe, that I didn’t dream of other projects, or try to do anything else but survive. I feel, look, and have a different outlook on my life. Thank you universe, Carri, Vickie, Joy, Rob, and my friends…

Vitamin D

2009-07-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got a phone call from my doctors office, concerning my blood test that I got done last week. Low and behold, I am low in vitamin D. Normal range is 30, and I'm at 11.5. So, he prescribed me vitamin D, 50,000 IU's, and I only have to take the small pill once a week for six weeks. How do they get so much into such a tiny pill?
I went on the internet and found out some information about vitamin D. I learned that it causes depression, hypertension, heart disease, fatigue, and obesity. I am suffering from a few of these. I am looking forward to seeing how taking a vitamin D pill will help me feel better...

New Moon

2009-07-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

I can't wait until November 20th when the second book becomes a movie and the series continues. Here's a trailer of the movie, looks so awesome... I'm excited.

On Writing

2009-07-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, another Tori video. I like how she thinks and how she writes.

An Artist

2009-07-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

Found this great interview on Tori's latest album and wanted to share...

Maybe

2009-07-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

Tori

Got Tori on the brain still, can you tell?

Little Earthquakes

2009-07-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thoughts

2009-07-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

"So strange. Woke up to a world that I am not a part except when I can play it's stranger." Tori Amos

A photo of the theater ceiling in Portland Oregon called Arlene Schnitzer Hall. I was privileged to see Tori Amos on Saturday night in this amazing place.
I am in awe of the blessing to get to see her perform many of her songs. She performed for two yours, and man can she perform. She's a passionate spirit that knows herself and her soul comes thru in every song she does.
It's a rainy Monday. Many thought cloud my mind today, yesterday too. I love this line from one of her songs... I am going to get lost in the story world of Tori and my new book... Enjoy your Monday.

Tori Amos

2009-07-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

I went to see Tori Amos last night with my friend Monte last night. I have been in a funk for awhile, going to the show energized my spirit. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love and appreciate her music.
She put on a fantastic 2 hour show, that blew me away. I was so impressed with her talent of playing two keyboards at once. WOW!

Expedition

2009-07-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

I started watching Expedition Africa show on Hulu, because it filled a sense of adventure to me. I’ve always wanted to travel around the world, to experience different cultures, food, music, and people. Miriyea, Kevin, Benedict, and Pasquale, explorers who are following Henry Morton Stanley and Dr. David Livingstone expedition in 1871 through Ujiji Africa. So, I got off my butt, went out and saw the front yard this morning. I counted it as my exercise today, because I was using my muscles. Baby Girl went with me, we explored our front yard. I took photos until my battery died.
I enjoyed myself, a good meditative experience for me.

Sport Bikes

2009-07-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not normally into sport bikes, since its my nephew Ric, I am posting his youtube video on my blog. He's been into sport bikes since being a boy, and always loved doing stunts.

Apologize

2009-07-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePyRrb2-fzs

Green

2009-06-29T01:34:00.000-07:00

I've been sick the last few days. Thankfully, I am starting to feel better... I took this photograph at the public library two weeks ago. I absolutely love trees...

Learning To Fly

2009-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

Went to the library today with Jessica and Micah. I didn’t actually go into the library, but I did enjoy sitting outside looking at the pretty trees and flowers. I wanted to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air, and do something different than what I’ve been doing. I got my camera out and start snapping photographs, something I love to do. Still breaking out of my funk, and learning to fly. I listened to Tom Petty last night, the song “Learning To Fly” resonated deep within my soul. So much so, that I have chosen it to be my call tone, so when someone calls me that’s what they’ll hear. That's what's on my mind...

Learning To Fly
Tom Petty
Greatest Hits

Well I started out down a dirty road
Start out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I’ve started out for God knows where
I guess I’ll know when I get there

I’m learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must come down.

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Boy, Does That Taste Good!

2009-06-23T03:48:00.000-07:00

This is Baby Girl, the newest edition to Ric and Jessica's family. I needed to laugh, and this photo made me laugh...

Sewing Or Sowing...

2009-06-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

I decided that I needed to get out of my funky mood, so I went to Joanne’s craft store with Jessica today. I got a new cross stitch project. I am doing a small pattern on pillow cases, butterflies, daisies, and ferns, in colors of white, peach, and shades of green, beautiful. I got all the threads organized, wrapped around the plastic holders, ready for me to start stitching. While handling the colorful threads, I started seeing some things. At first, I was mindlessly wrapping the thread around the pearl white holder, then suddenly thoughts of where my life is heading came to me. Somehow, I have ended up back at the beginning of my life, the stitches have unraveled, and now, a clean slate lays before. I still have some of the holes left where previous stitches have gone before, but do I even want to go back into that same hole, or do I want to make another pattern.? I want another pattern. I want my life to go into another direction, and I want whole new thread.
I believe, that my funks, or depression, whatever you call it, happens when someone finally gets tired of the mucky, chunky diaherra of their lives and the soul is speaking to them. My soul’s talking to me. I am listening. I do believe in what the bible, and other books say, “you sow what you reap” and “Karma”. So, with this new cross stitch project, and other projects that I want to accomplish, I am making a new pattern for my life. I do know, despite my negative thoughts, I do have several people who do love me, they just don’t show it in the way I can see it now, maybe soon I’ll be able to see it better…

Pocket Full Of Sunshine.

2009-06-21T01:41:00.000-07:00

This song says how I am feeling... I just added my photo to it.

"Pocketful Of Sunshine"

[Interlude]
I got a pocket,
got a pocket full of sunshine
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine
oh.oh,oh
Do what you want,
but you're never gonna break me,
sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
oh,oh,oh

[Chorus]
Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)

[Interlude]

I got pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine
oh,oh,oh

Wish that you could,
but you ain't gonna own me
do anything you can to control me
oh,oh,oh

[Chorus]

[Hook]
There's a place that I go
That nobody knows
Where the rivers flow
And I call it home
And there's no more lies
And the darkness is light
And nobody cries
there's only butterflies

[Chorus 2x]

[Chorus & Interlude]

The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be alright

The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be alright

Journey To Self

2009-06-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

Watching the chick flicks, “The Holiday” and “Sex And The City, The Movie”, I kept wondering what the heck is wrong with me. These romances, searching for the prince that’ll sweep you off your feet, a relationship, that’s full of love, trust, and issues, and here I am not evening willing to chance it. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of these movies and other romantic movies, just that I have always thought it would never happen to me. Somehow, ingrained in my mind, heart, and soul were the words from my sister, mom, and a few others, that you will never attract a man, or be relationship material. I thought I was lucky that I had a ten year relationship, but when he died, I thought that was it. I have signed up for some dating sites, but only at the urging of my friends. I don’t feel satisfied, I feel creepy about the whole process of advertising yourself, putting the make-up and having those sexy photos on there to attract a man. I still have issues with the whole process. Yet, deep down inside, where I hide a lot of things, I do have the desire of a relationship, that’s different than I have ever had, but the fear, the shame, the whole humiliating process of finding him makes me run and hide under my blankets. I keep deluding myself into thinking that I have to do some major changing before that’ll ever happen. That I have to be perfect, that the gross, stinky mess that my life’s in has to be completely abolish before I even start. I have reverted too far the other way, to where, I purposely hide from people, men, women, the romance, so I don’t have to deal with the painful rejection, or even have to work at all, saying to myself and to others that I am perfectly happy alone, am I really? No, that’s a big fat lie. I do like to spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation, but I also enjoy the company of people who make me laugh, that I can have deep spiritual and intellectual talks about many different subjects with. So, at the age of 35, I am forging a new path of self discovery, but the thing is, this path is not new. It’s the one I started in 2004 when Rick died and all these new and exciting experiences started happening for me. I have had some key people in my life who have shinned their beacon of knowledge on me, that I still hold in high esteem. Yet, a lot of these relationships are changing, hopefully to something better.
I am in a moment of asking questions to the universe. What’s my purpose? Who can I trust? Where do I want to go? Some of the questions roaming around in my old noggin. In my dreams, I have gotten some answers, some of them have been complete surprises coming out of nowhere, and some I have already known. Yet, I possess this lazy, unmotivated, hard headed chick who says screw this, I’m going to travel down this path, even if I totally destroy myself. That’s the part of me I want to shut up.
As I sit here, in my pajamas, propped up by pillows on my bed, gazing out the window at a big evergreen tree and mass vines of blackberry bushes and morning glories, I am beginning to ponder many things in my life. The people, the places I’ve been, and my role in this universe. I only know one thing for sure, that some part of me is waiting for the big fireworks to tap me on the shoulder and guide me to where I am meant to be and where I actually have some peace of mind and happiness. That’s just another Jamie fantasy, this divine being guiding me to where I need to be, to where I am to be blissfully happy, all knowing, all glowing with the joyfulness of finally figuring out the great cosmic universe. Yeah right, that’s every going to happen. Scientist can’t even say they know the whole universe of life and what exactly happen, that’s why they argue about it. Maybe that’s just it, I’m going to have to accept that I am not going to know anything more until it’s ready to be revealed to me. Ugh! I don’t like that at all, what can I do about I? Nothing, it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not.
Can you tell, that I am seconding guessing my thoughts, feelings, passions, goals, you name it, I am probably doing it. I admit to the public and to myself that I have a major problem with follow thru, finding and keeping my motivation, and most importantly losing the real perspective of life. I am so good at seeing it for everyone else, when it comes to me, I have the blinders on.
Perhaps, the question what happens now? Do I keep whining, do I perhaps stay stuck in an unhealthy situation? Or do I follow the knowledge and wisdom that my dreams tell me? To be continued as this enlightening journey leads me…

Library

2009-06-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

The Longview Public Library... I love the way the tree leaves cover the brick building.

Give

2009-06-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

With the fear of losing my photographs on my computer, I have saved them all onto a DVD-R. It took a good 30 minutes to accomplish this goal. I had 6 g’s of photos on the disc when it was all finished. I chose to do this after not having my computer for a couple of months, because I thought the plug part on the computer was fried, turned out to be the cord, thankfully. I am happy to be back on the computer, to have my music, my photographs, and to be back on the net. Now that I have my computer, now I am on a quest to make a sanctuary for myself in the room, I have been given.
I am hoping to get my stuff out of storage this weekend and to unpack some of my items and then maybe I might feel like I am home, instead of this feeling of discontent. I am adding a collection of photos that I’ve taken the last couple months of not having my computer.

Cross Stitching Adventure

2009-06-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Jessica, my niece in law encouraged me to try cross stitching, because she's working on this beautiful fairy. She had this pillow case pattern that she found at the thriftstore, so I started with that. There weren't any directions, so, I got to choose the colors. Jessica showed me the stitch, which wasn't that difficult at all. I actually enjoyed doing it. While watching movies, 'Rose Red", "Stargate", "The Sixth Sense", and "She-Devil", I cross stitched this pillow case. I ended up giving it to my sister/friend Joy. She can sew it into anything she wants to. She's creative in that way...
I have decided to expand my creative adventures a bit. I have not started another project, but I have been drooling over this cross stitch pattern book that Jessica has, so an idea is coming along. Right now, the biggest creative endeavor I'm going to be doing is getting my small room organized, and decorated the way I want it to be. I got some major ideas and plans to accomplish my the fall...

Such A Long Time

2009-06-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have been away for a long time. My computer's cord decided not to work and finally I had the time to call HP for a replacement. Now, I'm back.

Several changes have accured since my move back to Longview. First, my friend Amber got married this Monday and is now moving to Idaho. I'm excited, but deeply sad by this. Then there's the changes with my friendship with Monte too. And then dealing with the social dynamics of Rick and Jessica. I love them all, I want more. I do realize, that maybe it's me who has to do some changing. I am an introvert, I don't like sharing my thoughts, concerns, fears, especially with my family. I feel ashamed, humiliation, you can just imagine the spectrum of emotions. I have a long journey that's awaiting me.

Pictures

2009-03-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Ode To The River

2009-03-25T04:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up early today. I have a lot of stuff on my mind, I am working towards a lot of issues that have been perplexing to me for a long time. I am not positive of what the answers are, have this sneaky suspicion that the answers don't really exist, who knows?

My apartment is still being constructed. The bathroom is finally starting to look like a bathroom, and soon, I am hoping I will have my own spot. Thats one thing I am truly missing, my own spot. Where my stuff is, where I can make my own food, where I am not being invaded on my big dogs, or big humans, or pouncing cats, or other things, as often. I love my family, I am truly grateful for everything, but sometimes you just need some space.

I am officially starting my physical theraphy this morning, I am a bit nervous about it. I am hoping to build up the strength in both of my legs, and to also build on endurance. I have a feeling that I will be sore today, I'll be exercising in a swimming pool. Jennelle seems like a great physical therapist and she knows what she is doing. I have reverted to toe walking on my left leg, when I was 16 I had achillis tendon surgery on both of my legs. I was a toe walker my entire life, up to that point, my guardians noticed and got something done about it. My right leg is not as flexible either, but I am not toe walking on it. I don't want to go back to that predicament. Now, I have some goals, losing another 100 pounds, my physical theraphy so I don't end up back as a toe walker, getting my own spot, going back to school, and not acting like a complete lunatic over all the changes in my personal life and relationships.

These photographs at the top were taken last Saturday at Willow Grove Beach. Jessica and I went there to let the dogs, Christy, Steve, and Thomas run. The horse was trotting on the water front and Christy the dog wanted to sniff its bottome for a greeting. The horse was not having that. lol Anyway, I brought home a big piece of drift wood, that I want Jesscia to paint a Lord Of The Rings face on for me. Have a great morning...

Happy Spring!

2009-03-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am still treading along, waiting for my own spot, but feeling well. I felt a momenttary lapse of irritation today, but everything went smoothly.
The daffodils are in bloom and that makes me happy. I have fond memories of daffodils. My mom's been a mast gardener and they were the first signs of spring. Walking home from school, I always knew home was close by when I saw the happy yellow faces swaying in the breeze.

Harvey, the bunny, became my new furry friend last night. He is so cute, fluffy, and soft, and of course, loveable.

Sunday's At Tiffanys'

2009-03-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

This the big house project still going on. Dave, Jessica's uncle had to replace the entire plumbing, so he spent most of his time under the house. Now, Rick and Jess need a new kitchen sink, the previous owner did not put it in correctly. We have no kitchen sink, but at least the bathrooms back.
My friend Amber got a pendulum, and I got myself some crystals. I bought a white quarts, pink quartz, and tourlamine. At the Moonshadow store, I saw some cool Tarots while there, Amber got a cool Celtic one. I also bought some Sarsaprilla, whole herb. Sarsaprilla is the root that root beer is made from. I love the sweet smell of it and it makes delicious tea.
I have talked about my friendship with Monte many times on this blog. Well, once again he is doing his normal spill of being offish, its frustrating, but something inside of me is changing. Maybe its the fact that I am growing, though I am camping out in Rick and Jess' living room, I am content. I am still wanting my own spot, but that will happen soon enough. I love having animals back in my life, plus I am swimming for my physical theraphy, and I have made another doctors appointment about my lungs. Seeds have been planted, causing major growth in my life, can you tell?

Give Me J

2009-03-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

I am without water, the contractors working on the plumbing today, as he was yesterday. Yesterday, Jessica and I went to the YMCA and we went to water theraphy, then to lunch, where we meet my friend Amber. This morning, I am feeling so tired. Though, I have watched my 3 movies I got from Netflix. Quarantine (wow, all I have to say is if that really happened we would be screwed.), Tinkerbell (was not impressed by what Disney did, but I still love you Tinkerbell.), and Mamma Mia (I love Abbas music and Meryil Streep and Pierce Bronson OMG, such a feel good movie).

You Are Shrewd and Talented

When You Are Comfortable or At Your Best:

You are ambitious, and hard-working. Adversity allows you to shine. You resourceful and able to make due.
People see you as honest to the point of bluntness. But they always know that you'll be fair. You have the good intentions.

When You Are in a Social Setting:

You are a powerful, competitive person. While you want to succeed, you are also able to find balance in your life.
People see you as self-sufficient. They are impressed by how much you are able to do on your own.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoyourinitialssayaboutyouquiz/">What Do Your Initials Say About You?

Close My Eyes

2009-03-05T11:08:00.001-08:00

The photo is the man made pond that Rick and Jessica made in their front yard. They have fish, if you look closely you can see them.
Today, so far, mainly been about organizing and making my spot functional. I am currently camping out in the living room, sleeping on an air mattress, while my place is still being built. Strangely, I am not discontent. I am finding plenty of time to be alone, and do my own thing.
I know that I made the right choice. It's been a week since I've been back into my old home town. I am feeling peaceful and happy. Its about time.

Blue Skies

2009-03-04T07:45:00.000-08:00

Blue skies shinning thru again. I don't mean just literally, but also metaphoracally. I am alot happier back home in Longview. I am enjoying spending my time with the animals. Told Rick and Jessica that we should charge admission for their zoo. They have 4 dogs, 5 cats, 7 bunnies, and 3 mice. It's been awhile since I've been around critters, it's a love that I share with Vickie and Rick. A family trait that we all possess. The last two days have been great. My good friend Amber came up to my new home two days in a row, we drove around the old neighborhood and hung out. She got to mee the critters and see my propsective home. We also talked about things also, which is so cool. Anyway, life's progressing and I see blue skies ahead.

Ode To The Lady Bug

2009-03-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Beauty was everywhere yesterday. Early in the morning my good friend Amber came up to my new home in Longview and we hung out most of the day.
The truly miraculous part of my day happened when I was sitting on the front porch watching Dave and Jessica pouring cement into the newly formed parking area out front. I have never had a lady bug land on me, it happened yesterday in the sun. I looked down and there was a lady bug on my hand. Luckily I had my camera with me, only because I was shooting photos of the workers, the pretty clouds, and my furries buddies, those will be posted in the future.

Accomplishment

2009-03-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

I'm officially moved. Yay! Took three days, my new start here in Longview will be a good thing for everyone. I love having animals back in my life, even the rowdy human kind. That'll take some getting use to. lol My quarters are not finished, not until the end of March. So, I am camping out in the living room and my furnitures in storage for a month. New experiences, the feeling of hope continues on.

Rick, Jessica, and Sam. They just finished spreading the new gravel on the parking space.

Rick and his motorcycle.

My new friend Christy. She's my nephew Rick's dog, I have finally moved. It's all done. Yay!!! Jessica, Rick's wife and I were watching Horton Hears A Who and Christy decided to cuddle with, she had her head on my breast. I love having a dog, actually, 4 dogs in my life, also 5 cats. I can actually remember their names. \\