Questions

1. What do you think of space? Do you think we should explore it, or stay here on Earth and tend to matters here? I think we should explore space, we can learn much from the other planets.

2. If you could travel anywhere off Earth, where would you go? Why? There are two places I would love to go, the Sun and Jupiter. I think it would be cool to see the sun first hand, of course, I’d have to have protective gear from the heat. Jupiter looks so beautiful from pictures I have seen, it would be awesome to see it in person.

3. Do you think we're doing enough to facilitate science? Why/why not? What would you do to change things? I cannot answer this question, honestly. I think science is important, we can learn to cure diseases, explore things, and there are so many aspects to it.

4. How much patience do you have when it comes to your health? How much is too much? What do you do to fix the situation? I don’t have much patience, I should, because I need to take care of myself. Lose the last 130 pounds and become active again, get my blood pressure under control and eat better.

5. What's the one thing you have zero patience for? Why? I have zero patience for inconsiderate and judgmental individuals. The reason why is, because we all have faults, differences, beliefs, and things that are wrong with us. I have no right to condemn, demoralize, ridicule, insult, inflict, violate, or hurt anyone’s feelings in these matters and I don’t like having it done to me. I avoid these types of people like the plaque. The funny thing is some of my family is like this and they do not realize it, they do it under the name of God.

6. What are the top 3 things in your life that are most important to you? 1) the individuals in my life who have stuck by me no matter what and have forgiven me and believe in me. 2) finding happiness for myself and discovering what I am all about 3) finding balance in my life through love, truth, and grace.

7. Do you take steps to facilitate the importance of those things? How so/how not so? I believe so, I value the people in life, I am there whenever they need me to encourage them, love me them, and listen, I also am loving me too. That helps in relationships as well. I am trying to find happiness, learning what it is I truly and engulfing myself in these things. I am finding balance by admitting that I am human, that I have to learn and accept that I am not perfect and things will not be perfect EVER, and that I can still do things in spite of the imperfections. I am not in denial about these things anymore. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes and making amends to myself and the people I’ve wronged.


8. Would you ever think about changing the way you do things (priorities) so that you can pay more attention to the things that matter the most? Yes, I would. That is the step I am at right now. I am taking in consideration that I am important, that I do not have to cater and take care of anyone but myself. I do not have to give away my money, possessions, or time to anyone. It is not being selfish to say no and it is not being a horrible person either. That is finding the balance in things. Life is about balance.

9. Do natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes, blizzards, tsunamis) worry you? Why/why not? No, things will happen, you can’t stop it, so why stop living.

10. Where you live, which natural disaster are you most prone to? Does it make you want to move somewhere else? Why/Why not? We get wind storms, fires, and earthquakes once in awhile.


11. Have you ever been affected by an Act of Nature? If so, do tell! Yes, we have had floods here in the North West on several occasions that affected me.


12 Are you really into music? Does it get you excited, or can you take it or leave it? Yes, I love music. There is so many different types of music and I enjoy most of them. It can make me feel good when I am blue or when I need to relieve some anger or anxiety it does, or even when I need to relax. I do not know how to play an instrument, but I do know some musicians and I have great respect for these individuals that can play notes and make their own music. Showing there passion in how they play, I enjoy it a lot.


13. .Do you look forward to new albums coming out? Are you one of those ppl that waits with bated breath, or do you just buy albums when you are walking by a kiosk or something like that? No, I am not like that. I lived with someone who was like that with Elvis, I hated it. I generally down load my music off the internet or I buy my CDS at a used CD store like Everyday Music. I down sized a lot with the music, though I do enjoy it a lot.


14. What kind of music did you listen to as a kid (0-18)?. What do you listen to now? I loved country, Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and I loved Rock N Roll Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Van Helen, Pat Benetar, Poison, and Whitesnake . I enjoy the same music, but I have added some new stuff to it. I can’t get enough of Mary J Blige’s song Enough Crying, it fit’s the mood I am in now. I also discovered Tori Amos and I love her music now too. Her words are so awe inspiring to me.



15. What are your favorite colors? Do you use them in your everyday life (clothing, decor, etc)? I love Pink, Red, and Black. I love most of the colors too, but these are my favorites. I have a red mirror that I bought at the good will last summer and I have it hanging in my living room. I have black in my home too and I have pink too. I wear pinks and reds a lot too.

16. What is your favorite type of food? How do you incorporate it into your life? I enjoy Italian and Greek food a lot, I love to incorporate different types of cuisine in my life. I enjoy cooking and making up recipes, though it is more fun to cook for someone else, but I am learning to enjoy my own cooking for just me. There is a great Greek restaurant in Portland that I have enjoyed going to, I haven’t been there for awhile, I am thinking of treating myself one day soon.

17. What are your favorite types of clothing? Why? I am casual, though I do like to wear dresses and skirts on occasions, especially doing the summer time.

18. Do you like to garden? Why/why not? If you do, what type of gardening do you do? Yes, I miss having a plot to call my own. I am blessed that I have my own deck and I have a container garden. I am growing basil, oregano, dill, thyme, rosemary, and chocolate pepper mint in pots. I also have Glads, Pansy’s, Sweet Alyssums, Begonia, Parsley, Fuscias, and another pot that I do not remember what is in it. They are flowers that resemble roses, but they aren’t. I enjoy my deck now, I have a nice chair and my wind chimes and bird feeders out there.


19. Do you have plants at home/at your office? Are you able to keep them alive? Yes, I have a lot of houseplants, and I am able to keep them alive. I love them, they create such a pleasant atmosphere to my home and they produce good oxygen too.

20. Are you the kind of person who needs live things around (plants, flowers, etc) or does it not matter to you? Why/why not? Yes, I love having my plants, I do not know how I lived so long without them before. I didn’t start growing house plants until after Rick passed away, maybe because I had to take care of him and I couldn’t fathom taking care of anything that need time and attention. I want to get a fish tank full of fish soon too.

Feminism and the Davinci Code

I read this interesting article on the Davinci Code and women. I found it interesting, because the movie brought up a lot of anger out of the Christians, mainly the Catholic Church. This article is intriguing and it gets you to think. Enjoy….

Land Of The Living

“Land Of The Living” written by Nicci French is a spell binding book. The heroine, Abigail is put through quite an ordeal. Losing her memory, not being believed that she was kidnapped and tortured, and made out to be some mad woman. It has intrigue, romance, mystery, and an ending that is truly inspiring of how strong a woman can be. I highly recommend this novel, I started it last night and I had a hard time putting it down to do anything else. Abigail literally tortured, slowly being choked to death by a crazy serial killer, who has killed many women before her. She escaped, in the hospital they didn’t believe her story. They thought she made it up to explain the bruises for the battery she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, whom she left 4 days before she was kidnapped. She didn’t realize she left her boyfriend, until she was released. The courage, strength, and determination to prove herself and the way she captured the psycho and saved another poor woman is grand. If you get a chance, I highly recommend you read this fantastic novel.

5 Things

If money, time and opportunity were no issue, what five things would you most like to do?

1. Go and stay a month in Italy
2. Go to a spa for a week and have all the treatments done, once a month.
3. Buy my dream home and have fun decorating it.
4. Buy myself a mustang
5. Buy myself a beach house and stay a month in the fall there.

The Davinci Code

I just finished a great book called “The Davinci Code” written by Dan Brown. Now it is time for the movie, I wanted to read the book before I watched the movie. I enjoyed this book so much, the art history, spiritual history, and the mystery is so captivating to me, why couldn’t it be true? Rick was a Catholic when he was in his younger years. He went to a Catholic private school, and they really are that strict and violent at times. They destroyed the great Alexandrian Library, after I heard that I lost respect for the high authority of the pope, bishops, and priests, they have to seek out and destroy anything that held any truth from the people. It reminds me of the Christian churches in America and everywhere. Why destroy knowledge that will help you find out the truth of what is out there? They did this with the Dead Sea Scrolls when a small boy found them in the 40’s in Quaram, they also left out important books of the bible that were written by women, I want to obtain and read the book of Mary.
I am not bashing Christians or Catholics, I am angry that people can bluntly, violently, violate someone’s freedom of choice in religion, politics, and themselves just so they can have total power, total control over their person hood, so that these people in power can feel like they have control of everything that a person says, does, and finances. Well they may have control of their things that they can see or hear, but they cannot control a persons thoughts or spiritual things around them. That is internal and can only be controlled by that one individual. Will they ever learn that?

Darkness and Light

Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
-Meister Eckhart

Dead Mans Chest.

I watched the new movie with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom “Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Mans Chest”. Man oh man, it is a great adventure packed movie, I liked it. I liked the first Pirates movie too. It is so awesome. Johnny Depp is so hot dressed as a pirate. I am glad that I went and saw this movie, I recommend it.

Happy Fourth Of July

Happy Independence Day!!!!!

Ilussions

I am sadden by the illusion that I have made for myself. The illusion of the life that I thought made me happy. The death of my soul, the death of my one time happy spirit. Why did I rip my heart out and leave it out on the platter for the carnivorous vampires to eat? I can see my beating heart laying there as they tiptoe around, circling my body, licking their lips, waiting for the right moment to pounce on it and start eating. I can see the blood dripping from their mouths when they looked up into my eyes. My eyes showing the pain and the confusion, slowly the life drained from my body. I suddenly cannot feel anything, no pain, no emotions, no feeling in my arms, legs, and my heart. Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I lay their willingly being their sacrifice? I lost control over my body, I gave it up willingly. AS I lay here defiantly, fighting the ultimate control over my spirit, I am suddenly alone. The black spirit, that stunk, cried, wailed, tortured, scorched every one who showed any real love towards me, causing them to run to close their hearts to my pitiful body laying in the pool of blood. I suddenly realize no one can save me, no one. I have to save myself, am I able to. The beautiful spirit that I possess is rising, above the clouds of doubt, self loathing, and pain that has overtaken my entire life. No more, there is hope after all. I am capable of loving and being loved. I am worthy of love, even if I have to give it to myself. Though I dream of a companion, someone to share my hopes, dreams, and life with, it, is easier to be alone and scare off the people who dare to come near me. That is what I have done, to the good prospects, I scare them off. I have to show my passion for my life, how else is someone going to see me, if I don’t open the closed doors to myself. I am expanding my possibilities and moving forward. I hope it is not too late in a few of my relationships, I hope that time and my change will make a great difference.

How Interesting

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 100% Dragon 83% Mermaid 75% Faerie 75% WereWolf 25% Demon 17% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Musings

I have had a busy mid week, I finally got a haircut after talking about getting one for a year. I love it, it is layered and is cut where it doesn’t show my thinning hair. I bought myself some treatment for my thinning problem, part of loving me. Amber’s boyfriend has never seen my hair down in the year that we’ve known each other. Seeing me with my hair down and Jackie, Ambers little sister cutting my hair in the kitchen was priceless. I looked beautiful that night when I went and saw Superman Returns, by the way it's a good movie, go see it. I went and bought the necessary hair care products for my hair, I hope this stuff works with the regrowth of hair. I am learning new and interesting things in my life about taking care of myself. I have known it is something that I must do, now I am feeling strong and capable enough to do it.
I went to Windy Ridge last night with Amber and Russell. I have not been up on that side of Mt. Saint Helens since they reopened Johnson’s Ridge when I was a teenager. I forgot how steep those stairs are, but I made it up. It was my first hiking excursion for the year. It felt great doing it. The drive was way long, but well worth it, at least I had great company.
I finally bought a nice chair for my deck outside, I already have the beautiful plants, bird feeder, and chimes, I just needed a place to sit and relax at night when the sun is down. It feels wonderful to get this done, so I can enjoy my work.
I am tired, something strange is happening to me inside, I cannot explain it.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns is an awesome movie. I went to the movie theatre for the first time in over a year to see it. It is a tear jerker. I recommend you go see it. I didn’t like the original Superman movies with Christopher Reeves, though Mr. Reeves is a great actor. I just am not into super hero’s. The only super hero that I loved was Wonder Woman. They should make a remake of that one. You know I'll be going seeing that one.

Climbing A Tree

I went to Riverside Park today, I climbed a tree with a 7, 34, 31, and 5 year old this evening. It felt great having my bare feet in the grass, climbing a tree, seeing a squirrel, and hanging out with friends. Here is a picture of Amber and I taken with Russ’ cell phone this evening.
It felt wonderful being out of the house, having a serious talk with Amber and Russ this evening, spending time with Duncan and Cullen, and shopping. I got dressed up in my pretty pink skirt and black shirt, can you imagine what a sight seeing a grown woman climb a tree in skirt? Actually it was two grown women and two small children, it was an amazing experience. It was nice connecting and being with a friend who likes me and wanted to spend time with me. I also have been talking more with Monte, though I do not understand him at times, I decided not to leave in delusion Ville any longer. I love him and he loves me, he says he does, and I have to believe him. Though now, after knowing someone he is in a relationship, which is strange, since not that long ago he was talking about another woman and how he wanted to be with her. Saturday night to be exact. LOL. I know he has said it to me, he wants companionship, and he is desperate for it. I want him to be happy, though I have a feeling this one is not going to last long at all. All I can do is just be there for him, like I’ve always been. I am tired and I need to check my email. Good night!!!

I Am So Pissed

Tonight someone broke into my car at my own apartments. I don’t know when it happened, I know it happened from last night after 10pm to today at 8pm when I went to my car. They tried to get my stereo out of my car, but were unlucky, thank God. It pisses me off that someone could do such a thing to me. I am lucky they didn’t rip it out and gotten away with it. Something stopped them from taking it completely out, I am lucky. I took the face plate off, so they do not have any reason to take it out now. I am so angry and grateful at the same time.

Mysteries

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
-Albert Einstein

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

-William A. Ward

I am

I am adventurous
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a good cook
I am spontaneous
I am loyal
I am capable
I am worthy
I am loved
I am special
I am cherished
I am realistic
I am passionate
I am graceful
I am funny
I am witty
I am faithful
I am kind
I am patient
I am a woman
I am a lady
I am sexy
I am generous
I am talented
I am great
I am pretty
I am blessed
I am deserving
I am secure
I am dignified
I am a warrior
I am strong
I am competent
I am ready
I am able
I am able to love me
I am able to love others
I am able to learn.
It is suddenly clear, the truth is laid out before me. The shroud of loathing is lifting its ugly head.

Loathe

I learned a new word today LOATHE, which means intense hatred and disgust. I feel this way towards me, I realized. It shows in my appearance, in my relationship with myself and with others, and in so many ways that it would take me a long time to list them all. I am reading a book that I bought for myself 4 years ago, I read it, I got some important information out of it, but the full concept of the book didn’t hit me until now. A couple of the chapters hit home. A moment of truth came over me, my heart started palpitating with this new insight, the words leaping hitting my minds eye, ingraining themselves into my brain. I screamed out “I LOATHE MYSELF!!” That is the problem, I am so disgusted with myself. So I asked myself this question “why do I loathe myself?” I came up with nine reasons rather quickly.

1) I give into others expectations, demands, ideals, views, opinions about my soul, happiness, possessions, future, past, present, and a lot of areas by.
A) people view me not as a lady/woman because of my appearance, manners, dress, and I have given them permission to do such a thing.
B) My appearance and expectations are high and so I give up without even trying, because I am not perfect or the ideal woman or lady.
C) by giving all my time, energy, finances, and spirit to benefit others and not myself.
D) Being nice and diplomatic when I want to feel like a bitch.

2) Because I do not stand up for myself, so I feel I don’t have integrity, dignity, and a soul.

3) Not being perfect in social situations. In my appearance, manner of speech, writing, eating, dressing, and so on.

4) I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts, being negative about others in my personal and outside life, and not trusting myself or others.

5) Feeling like a leach, user not only in finances, but draining of others energy and time.

6) Not being able to manage myself. Being told that I am incapable of such a feat by some people in my life and that I should relinquish control to them.

7) That I have a lot of flaws, including, weight, hair, dress, and so on.

8) Caring too much what others think or feel about me or other areas of my life. Their experiences are not mine, they should be valued, but not dissuade me from going down my path.

9) Lying to myself and others about all sorts of things.

I have read that W.B. Yeats described loathing oneself as such: “Self loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. You don’t feel or see the life force fleeing until it’s no longer there, and then, of course it’s too late.” Is it too late for me? I am not dead yet and I must be on some road to recovery, if I am able to comprehend and process this now. I also liked what Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote about self loathing too. She said : “If I were to assign a color to self loathing, it would be the bluish black and purple of an ugly bruise. This is what self loathing is, an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives or on our bodies; a warning that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within.”
I have to accept that I am not going to meet anyone’s expectations, and therefore, shouldn’t expect anything from anyone else. I have to take time and love who I am, as well, as accept my flaws. No one is perfect and the illusion that I will become perfect is faulty. If I can accept with grace and truth that Monte, Amber, Vickie, Joy, Maurine, Carri, and whomever else I am in relationship with flaws, then why can’t I accept my own. That is my quest, I am making a conscious choice to accept all of me, flaws and all.

Choices

What in the world am I going to do? Why am I keeping myself in this box that I made for myself? Why do I create chaos for myself? These are thoughts that are ravishing my brain this morning. I am contemplating and searching for the answers to these questions. These questions came to me last night, when in a moment of weakness I went back to my old ways, my self destructive ways, ways that do not serve me, but hinder me and the people I love.

So I am making a CHOICE, I am stopping this before it gets any further, before I permanently destroy myself. I have to make a CHOICE, to kick down the walls that are holding me in and move on. This is going to be an obstacle for me, but if I am conscious and think before I take action, the outcome will be better. I am choosing to live. Sarah Ban Breathnach says in her book “Something More” : “You may not realize it, but your life at this exact moment-it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or who’s getting ready to jerk your chain-is a direct result of CHOICES you made once upon a time. Thirty minutes or thirty years ago.”

This hit a sore spot for me, big time. I hate making decisions, I absolutely hate it. By me not making decisions is a CHOICE and that CHOICE lead me down this road that I am on now. I have given up my authority by CHOICE, because the fear of being wrong, thought of as stupid, or because I did not want to hurt someone, I made the CHOICE to relinquish control to someone else to decide what I wanted, needed, desired to live, or believed. I made the CHOICE to sit here disgusted, in pain, hurt, angry, frustrated, and like a doll, letting my every move be made for me. Consequently, I have wallowed and played the blame game, blaming everyone else for the problems that I have, the abuse they inflicted on me, the callused way they’ve treated me, and most importantly taking my freedom away. I also played into them thinking that I am scum, incapable, and not able to be. I made the Choice to live with Rick and stay for the eleven years, I made the Choice to stay stagnant and not do what I must to be the real me, that I dreamed of becoming. Instead I lived in a fantasy world of possibilities, never once taking a step forward. I got scared of the success of the hard work, dedication, time, and effort it would take to accomplish what I wanted. It was easier.

I do not like where I am right now, so I am making a conscious Choice to take the steps and be who I want to be, the person I know I am. My worse fears are coming true, I am becoming like my mother, living in a state of denial, grasping for air in my lungs. I have to step out of this perpetual hell that I made for myself and find my integrity, dignity, self worth, and love for myself. If I don’t I will surely become a bitter old hag. I cannot be in denial any longer and it is so easy to be that way. I am making the CHOICE to ask the universe to guide me, heal me, and show me the lighted path that is my destiny and not one that is not my own.

Coming Out Of The Cocoon

It is wonderful, how soothing a hot bath can be to your soul. I am rediscovering that tool again, I lost it for so long. When I lived in my old house in Longview, Rick had to have a handicap shower stall and I lost my bathtub. I missed it. That house, boy, I can write a whole book on how much work that house needed. The house wasn’t the only thing that needed fixing, I did. I lost sight of who I was, it has been two years and 5 months since Ricks’ passing and I am still struggling with self care, and knowing how to become who I truly am. I have undermined myself in numerous ways, with my negative self talk, insecurities and I almost completely ruined a good relationship with a new found friend, who can’t understand why I don’t love me, since in his words “I have a good heart, and I am a good person.” We are rebuilding our relationship, I have been acting like a crazy lunatic and harassing him. I know why, it is complicated, it is something I have to actually take the time to heal before I lose everything. My core is broken, now I have to pick up the pieces that are shattered and piece them back together. It is not going to be easy, these steps, these lessons that I am learning, are helping me grow into a woman, the woman that I want to be. In the process of caring and loving someone else, I forgot to love me. I lost my mind, body, and soul to giving care to someone else. I am not in denial of the life that I have had, it makes me who I am. All the broken, battered pieces laying all around me, ready for me to discover them, pick them up, seal them with the gold and silver of the love that I have for me. It is a long road to recovery from that kind of life, a life of self destructiveness, self hate, and battery to myself and to the people who love me. It is so easy for me to give up and to just strangle someone else with my need to take care of them and with my own misery. I keep asking for patience, and then I keep wallowing in the pain. I am tired of wallowing in the pain, that is what I have been doing, I’ve been doing it for so long, it is hard to break out of the comfort zone. Everyone has given up on me, my sisters Vickie, Joy, my mom, Monte, Amber, Christina, Karen, Linda, and of course the most important person in all of this, ME. The cocoon is finally coming off, miraculously, I feel like the butterfly, I have for a long time, nestled in the cocoon, growing, changing, finding the colors that make her who she is, and then finally busting out of the cocoon. Beautiful, graceful, lovely, and herself, and not afraid to show others what she is all about. When you give up on the butterfly in the cocoon, she finally emerges out, flying happily away. Happy to be out of the dark place she was at, being herself, she doesn’t know where she is going, but she is going to wherever she is destined to be. That is the state of mind I am in right now. I am a student and I am ready to be taught to listen to my own voice.

Words To Ponder

I find that it is not the circumstances in which we are placed, but the spirit in which we face them, that constitutes our comfort.
-Elizabeth T. King


Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Editing.

I know the importance of editing, there is meaning in that word. Editing is usually associated with writing and writers, but if you think about it we edit our lives. We put into balance the words on the paper, with the correct grammar, punctuation, and structure of sentences. Isn’t that what we do with our lives, putting into balance mind, body, and spirit.
I have been doing a lot of editing in my life, last night talking with a friend I discovered I need to do some more. I am not sure where yet, but I am sure I will figure it out. The answers always come, that is something I have discovered.

Miss Congeniality

I finally watched the movie “Miss Congeniality” starring Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Pratt this morning. I like this movie a lot. I love Sandra Bullock as an actress, I loved her in “Speed” with Kneau Reeves, I have a fond memory of watching that movie with Amber and Summer at the drive in when it first came out. She has been in some awesome movies, I should put her on a list of actress’ that I want to see all their movies. The story line is cool, it is about this woman who does not know how to be a lady. I am a lot like her, I have never cared about the hair, clothes, makeup, waxing, plucking, shoes, or anything of that short. I have come to some reality here in the last few years about my appearance and taking care of myself. It is away of showing you care about you, you don’t have to look like a super model, go all out getting plastic surgery or anything so ghastly, but you have to nurture you. I have recently decided to care about my appearance out in pubic, home is another matter. I watched “In Her Shoes” that made me have appreciation for shoes now and clothes. I think I am changing, better watch out.

The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare

I just finished reading “The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare” written by Lilian Jackson Braun. I picked this book up at a thrift store a few years ago, but haven’t read it until last night. It didn’t take me long to finish. It's an easy read and easy to follow. The story line is intriguing, but the writing is simple and is well suited for young adult. There are several in a serious, according to the website, all written about cats who help their owners solve mysteries. This story is about two Siamese cats named Koko and Yum Yum, who help their owner solve a murder mystery in a small Minnesota town. The story makes you wonder about how much animals can communicate to their owners. It's not a spin tingling mystery, but it makes you laugh, and it makes you wonder how did those cat know that. I might not read all 30 books in her series, but I did enjoy this one.

Hope

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
-George Iles

Ann Lander Quotes

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
--Ann Landers

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength.
However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go -- and then do it.
--Ann Landers

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

I was listening to the my CDS this morning and this song popped out at me. Trisha Yearwood has a great voice and I like her song choices.
Here are the lyrics:
If I would have known the way that this would end. If I would have read the last page first. If I would have had the strength to walk away. If I would have known how this would hurt. I would’ve loved you anyway. I’d do it all the same. Not a second I would change. Not a touch that I would trade. Had I known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway. It’s bittersweet to look back now. At memories withered on the vine just to hold you close to me. For a moment in time and even if I’d seen it coming, You’d still would have seen me running straight into your arms.

Quote Of The Day

The power of the word is real whether or not you are conscious of it. Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Behind every word flows energy.
-Sonia Choquette

Quotes To Ponder

Money is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.
P.T. Barnum


I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.
–Pablo Casals

"No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves." -- Dwight Eisenhower

"It seems to me that it's actually harder to invent excuses than it is to be successful." -- Jeffrey Gitomer

Expect to lose sometimes, but a loss can be a stepping stone to victory if it's utilized in the right way.

Jake Gaither (1903-1994)
College football coach

Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish.

Ovid (c. 43 B.C.-c. A.D. 17)
Poet

Safety First

I found this article about buying enviroment safe products. I found it interesting and informative, especially a new law they want to pass that business' have to prove their product is safe before it goes on the market. That makes sense to me, why didn't they do that in the first place? I didn't know that business' didn't have to prove their product was safe before we purchased it. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Thinking For Myself

"No doubt another may also think for me; but it is not therefore desirable that he should do so to the exclusion of my thinking for myself." --Henry David Thoreau

I got this quote in an email this evening, it got me to thinking. Thinking for myself, can I do that? Is that possible? I want to think for myself,. Recently, I have been analyzing how I have given my authority away. I have given it away for so long, that I thought I lost it. Many of the people in my life have done it, maybe without realizing that they have. Letting others think for themselves is a challenge, when you have a family of strong women and men in your life, who have major opinions on a lot of subjects that do not mesh, it is a struggle. Mainly, lately, I have been concentrating solely on one thing in my life, whether or not a certain person is a friend or what he is. That is stupid, it is causing me problems, Whether or not he is a friend, I do not need to dwell on it anymore. I cannot waste my brain cells on this issue anymore. I have more important things to think about. I have been given a gift , a second chance with my future, my life. I screwed it up last time, and I do not plan on doing it again. I have to make plans, I have to follow through with my plans, and I have to think about what it is I truly want, and not what others think I should want, do, believe, go for, or accomplish. This is my gift, this is something that I worked for, this is something that deserve. I am valuable, I am pretty, I am smart, I am intelligent, I have grace, I have talent, I have beauty, I have spirit, I have passion, and I most definitely have ambition. All these things were taken from me from an early age, and I am reclaiming them, these are my gifts, these are my talismans. I have to respect myself and I hope that others will follow in this pursuit, and respect me also. The road that I am on now, is clearer, the debris is not so thick, it isn’t causing me to shutter with every whack that I make. I am feeling more confident, at peace with what I must do, and I am on my way to making the plans, the steps, and the accomplishments that I must make for myself. I have experienced a heartache, I have experienced the anger, now I must use the anger, that heartache and make the recovery to the Jamie that will bust out of the cocoon that was made for her and fly away. My wings are growing faster daily, soon I will be off with my map, compass, and machete, and mark my course more deliberately. I know I have many people in my life who are cheering me on, and I hope that they know I am cheering them on with their journey’s. WE are all a family. I love them all.

Andy Rooney On The Iraq War

Andy Rooney spoke on the Iraqi war, he said we are spending 5.6 million dollars a month on this unnecessary war. He compared our spending on military to other countries spending. He also stated that we have enough nuclear weapons to kill the human race. This got me to thinking, how dare we go into other countries and demand they give up their nuclear weapons, when we in fact have so many that can destroy the whole world.

Happy Father's Day!!!

My father, today is father’s day. This is the first father’s day without my dad. He has been gone for nine months now. I miss him a lot. I dream about him, he comes to me in my dream, kisses my cheek. He did that on the day of my birthday on May 21st, his was the 22nd, we usually celebrated together, this year was different. He came to me in my dream, kissed my cheek and wished me happy birthday. It was a sweet dream. Cherish your father, for they are precious. They are wonderful men who have love us, protects us, and teach us what we know. Dad, I miss you, I love you, and I hope you are pain free and at peace. You are missed by all your beautiful and wonderful children.

The First Step

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
—Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.E.)

My first semester in college, my professor Mrs. Hutchinson had this quote written on the marker board. I had not been in school in ten years, I was a nervous wreck. After Ricks passing, I could not finish my college career, too much to do after someone you’ve been with for eleven years passes away, sorting of books, Elvis collectables, estate issues, and massive amounts of clutter that possessed our five bedroom house. Three years later, I am not in grief over his passing. I have evolved, because ours was an unhappy union. I made a promise, I kept it, and though it almost destroyed me, I am healing from it. Now, as I am taking the first few steps into my journey. My path is being shown to me, the stones I walk on illuminating my path, and I’m hatching away with my machete the debris of my past life, and choices I have made. I have a chance at something different and I have many choices laid out before me. This is the third year of this process, the day I gained my independence and the chains around the lips of my inner voice came off and I have a voice. I have to make some decisions in the next few weeks. I must prepare myself for my future and think of myself. I have to discover what it is I want, truly want, and hear that woman’s voice inside of my soul. The voice that is dying to get out and express herself freely. This is a new concept for me. I am nervous, scared, and also excited. These emotions welding up inside of me, as I am venturing out, making decisions, deciding what my steps should be in this life. I have some issues that I am not sure how to deal with yet, but I cannot let them detour me any longer. I cannot waste my time on these thoughts anymore. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. I have no control over it at all. I have to trust in my instincts, in my intuition, and my path that is laid out before.

Explorations Of My Heart

I want to see the Redwood trees in California, I want to see Tuscany in Italy, explore the countryside, see the villa’s, see the old olive trees, stomp on grapes and make wine, feel the culture that is there. I want to spend a month at the beach, walking the coast line, hearing the surf, I hear it calling me. I can feel the gritty sand on my feet, I can taste the salt on my lips, I can smell the sea, and I can feel the wind upon my face. I have not gone to the ocean in a long time, I have been cooped up in the drudgery of the dark, I am ready for the light, I am ready for all my senses to explore the places that I want to go. I am not content in the life that I have right now. I need the requiem of the ocean, the balance that I always feel when I am in it’s presence. The balance of the sky upon the water, the sand, the seagulls, the waves, and the noises of the surf brings me peace to my soul. I need it’s peace and the quiet. I usually go to the beach with family or friends, I want to go by myself. I want to center myself, and listen to my voice. I don’t want the negative voice that keeps talking, but the one that is positive and can see things clearly, and without bitterness.

Quote Of The Day

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

-Anais Nin

Contemplative Dreams

I must be feeling rage or something, my dreams are reflecting this. Several of my dreams, one where this group of ten fine looking men purchased machine guns, staked out a church in a secluded area, and made a plan for a Sunday when the congregation is full of people. I even saw the shoot out complete with the blood, bullets, machine gun sounds, and the people falling, dead. One woman got out in my dream, I heard her thinking and talking in my head, as she made her way down the gravel road, she used her cell phone to call for the police. I saw their sirens wailing as they made it up to the church, I saw the woman who got away, who was shot in the side, get the medical help she desperately needed. Then I saw the ten men get captured, I saw their eyes full of rage and complete hate, and then I saw the spirits of the dead men, women, and children confront them and help the police to capture them. One of the gun slingers was not going to go so willingly, he got his gun, still full of bullets, and he started shooting, until this one woman, grabbed it out of his hand and started kicking his butt, not for the death of her, but causing the death of her family and friends.

My next dream is not so violent, I think I got my rage out in the first one. The second one, I was cleaning a bathroom, I’m not sure if it was mine or of someone I know. All of sudden the back of the toilet, where the water comes in for you to flush the toilet, the water pipe broke off and started spraying water everywhere, I was desperately trying to fix it, make the water go back into the toilet, but it had a mind of its own. I finally got it tamed and put back in the tank, when Mr. Man, my friend Montes’ cat came into the bathroom, and showed me some love, tenderness like he always does when he sees me, rubbing himself around my legs, until I picked him up and we started greeting each other. Then I heard this voice, it sounded familiar, it was Monte’s voice, saying “What the fuck?”. Then I woke up.

Life Will Throw Dirt At You

I got this in an email this morning, it hit home. I get forwards from people all the time, I use to feel obligated to send them off to the next person. I got sick of doing it, plus I was being annoying to some people. Every once in awhile I get a cool one like this, I don't mind sharing. I find this one insightful and how it is. It is like the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

And The moral is
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Holocaust and The Red Cross

The holocaust is one of the subjects that has been in my mind since I was a little girl, when I saw the movie Anne Frank starring Millie Perkins. It amazed me that someone could be so filled with hate for another culture. It still upsets me that hate is so abundant in the world. That said, this article in the LA Times says that the Red Cross is going to make the records public, isn't it about time? What took them so long to come to that decision? The families of the people who were tortured and or slaughtered should have answers that they have been seeking for close to 60 years now. I mean enslavenment is wrong in any sense, but the families should know what happened to their mothers, fathers, sisters, cousins, friends, or brothers, shouldn't they?

Music Of The Soul

I am listening to a CD of some of my favorite songs, right now what is playing are the Supremes singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. I just finished a few Aretha Franklin songs “Respect”, “Chain Of Fools”, and of course the classic “Natural Woman”. Earlier, it was country, blues, rock n roll, and heavy metal. I have a wide range of musical tastes, always have. I give anything a chance and I have an open mind to the different possibilities of musical expression. The words and the way the music is played with the different notes and how those combination of notes can change to make a different sound. Songs can express anger like Lucinda Williams song “Drunken Angel”, or it can express sadness like Heartwells “Letters In Lipstick”. It can express goodbyes, hellos, I love you, I adore you, you pissed me off, or any of the different emotions you are feeling at the time. Old, new, and semi old music can express and touch your heart. From Beethoven, Frank Sinatra, Slayer, Heart, Tori Amos, Smashing Pumpkins, Vivaldi, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Martina McBride, Norah Jones, and Jewell. Each artist has their own perspective and way of expressing themselves in their writing. Earlier today I listened to Led Zepplin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crow, Dolly Parton, Madonna, and Shania Twain. Music is a part of my life, as are movies, books, and plants.

Talent

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.

-Erica Jong

Quotes By Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou, she is a wise woman.

The needs of society determine its ethics.
--Maya Angelou

It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself
which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable
--Maya Angelou

There's a world of difference between truth and facts.
Facts can obscure truth.
--Maya Angelou American poet, writer, and actress

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
--Maya Angelou

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
--Maya Angelou

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told,
'I am with you kid Let's go!'
--Maya Angelou

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
--Maya Angelou

Quotes By Emily Dickinson

I love Emily Dickinson and Virginia Wolf. I ALWAYS HAVE, THEY WROTE DEEPLY AND PASSIONATELY FOR THEIR TIME. Here are some that I have accumulated over the years. They are my favorites by Emily Dickinson.

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
--Emily Dickinson

Affection is like bread, unnoticed till we starve,
and then we dream of it, and sing of it, and paint it,
when every urchin in the street has more than he can eat.
--Emily Dickinson

Saying nothing... sometimes says the most.
--Emily Dickinson

A word is dead when it is said, some say.
I say it just begins to live that day
--Emily Dickinson

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of
Him as somewhat of a recluse.
--Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

The mere sense of living is joy enough.
--Emily Dickinson

My friends are my estate.
--Emily Dickinson

Me

My Political View

I have chosen to stay out of the political arena, mainly because it is a farce and it is powered by men who do not know the value of human life. They profess to care about the public, but from what I have seen, they do not. All they care about is what is best for themselves, not for the masses. It is ironic that they want to make sure all the countries do not have nuclear weapons, but who, we ourselves have them. If we cared about such things, why don’t we make the first stand and get rid of ours? We are not a peace loving nation, we are a war ravage nation, that loves drama, and wants to have absolute control of everything around us. I am sure there are some politicians who are sincerely trying to fight against the bull that is running our government. It is not Bush who is running our government, it is the people who are backing him up. I have not read enough to know who these people are, or what their motive is, but I know they are there. Bush has displayed his utter stupidity in his speeches, interviews, and the way he stands there like a little boy with his hands in his pocket, not knowing what is really going on. I bet he is a good man, he loves his wife Laura and their children. I see that, I do have respect for him, though I do not share the same opinions or views.
I am also deeply perplexed by these people who think global warming is not happening. My brother Rob is in agreement with this idea, he says it is a farce and it is not happening. I felt like saying to him and to the mass others who share this view, are you blind? I have noticed some things that are happening in my area and around me. The weather change, the way the rivers are getting higher, and countless other things that are happening. A few weekends ago, Amber and I went to Willow Grove beach to have a bon fire with some friends. We noticed that the pier has gotten higher and are covering a lot of things on the Columbia River. The water level is much higher than it had been, a few months ago when I went with my sister Carri. You cannot tell me that pollution is not real, global warming is not happening, and that it is a big lie. It reminds me of when people that the world was flat and the few who said it was round were laughed at. It is the same thing, but in a different arena. I want to see Al Gore’s movie about global warming. I saw him interviewed on Jay Leno a few nights ago, I rarely watch Jay Leno, I do not like him, but hearing Al Gore talking about something that interest me, stopped me in my tracks.

Women

I usually keep my political views to myself, I do not like arguing with individuals whose views I do not share. What is the point, you just end up pissing each other off, what does it solve. I chose to let each person have their own views on things, but when it is interfering with someone’s rights as a human being, that is crossing the line. I know that in America, women have a lot more freedom then those in Arabia, and other countries alike. These fundamentalists that prohibit someone’s rights to their own views, beliefs, choices, and opinions, cross the line in ever aspect of the Jesus, or God they profess to worship. I am offended as a woman that men blame women for their raging hormones, the reason they can’t keep it in their pants, the reason that they desire a woman, first off, it is their brain that is causing those desires, not the woman. All she could be doing is licking an ice cream cone, in a pair of jogging pants and a baggy t-shirt and some man would find that alluring and want to pounce on her. I am offended that we are portrayed as dumb women, who should not have a voice, who should not work, whose sole purpose is to take care of their husbands every whim to the determent of their health. I know this first hand, I’ve lived it. I am even more offended that women who have chosen to live without a man, to not put up with the garbage that is thrown at them, are called old hags, or a ball busting bitch. It is offensive to me. I am also not saying that all men have these same views, but a lot do. What baffles me even further is the way women are in denial about how much control they have given away of their own mind, body, and soul to the media, men, organizations, and illusions of what is reality. Everyday I see this, from the many women that I have in my life. I am lucky enough to have a few women who are not taking the world view of what a real woman is and killing themselves to being what everyone else is. I can name a few women who have demonstrated these qualities. I am also glad we have the internet and that there are brave women who sharing their voice. That said, I read this article on Irani Women and it horrified me. It is not as far off to what my own teenage years were like, the only difference is we didn’t have to wear a cover over our heads.
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=2780

The Unknown Answer

The dream goddess came into my dreams last night and comforted me, showed me what I must do in my relationship with Monte and with myself. She told me I needed to listen to that wise voice inside of me. That I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I can accomplish what I need to. The voice has told me for a long time now, to stop calling Monte and see if he is really interested in a friendship with me or if it is bullshit. That is the answer I am seeking.

Butterflies and Tigers, Oh My

I am reading about animal totems and finding your own. In this book “The complete book of women’s wisdom” by Cassandra Eason, the way to do it is in your dreams. An animal that you dream about. I have two that I dream about, Tigers and Butterflies.
Eason writes on Butterflies “The butterfly is often associated with the sixteenth-century mystic St Teresa of Avila, who likened the process of dying to a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Because of its transience, the butterfly is also a symbol of living in the present, a reminder to enjoy each day for what it is without always worrying about a past that cannot be changed or a future as yet unmade.”
Then she says about tigers “Representing strongly animus power, the tiger is the totem of a number of women I have interviewed who function in highly competitive or chauvinistic work places. The tiger is the king of beasts in mythology.” What a combination.
I took a nice, long, hot bath and meditated for awhile. I have not meditated in a long time. I needed to release some negative energy that is around me. I must do this daily for my own sanity, I realized. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I did something last night that I read in the Eason book. Except that I adapted it to my own liking. Instead of drawing pictures of a monster with all my negative energy and then drawing things to counteract them, I cut out pictures. I cannot draw at all. Instead, I just did the positive, I just cut out positive words that reflected me. It was fun, I had not done that since I was a little kid. It is fun getting back to my roots. Several authors have suggested making collages as a way to meditate and find your core person, to discover you inner compass. It is about time I learned what my voice is telling me, follow my instincts, and my creativity. I have to value my own opinions and listen to the inner voice that is speaking. I can hear her calling me………

Ramblings

On a cloudy, thunderous day, I talked to a couple of good friends, which I have not done in a long while. Monte believes that I can move past these things that are holding me down, I just need to get moving. Getting moving is the hardest part for me, getting started in any project. The other day Amber and I were talking about this same subject, concerning housekeeping. We both hate it, but once we get started we cannot stop. It is the getting started that is the problem.
I am proposing that I have not gotten started on my quest to use my compass, the deep impact of my soul to guide me. I hear it speaking to me when I am sleeping, telling me what I need to do, to accomplish, but I do nothing. Instead I give in to my whims and make those phone calls or do those things that I know I should not.
I must sit down and write out ten things I want to accomplish by September, but I have not gotten started. I procrastinated again, finding solace in a warm better, sleeping, dreaming, and not accomplishing anything. I needed to rest, my face has been hurting for awhile and I am feeling exhausted, though some of the exhaustion is lifting. I am tired of telling people that I want to change, but then I sit there still in the same spot crying oh woe is me. I am tired of hearing myself whining about the same thing. I want to move past my past and step forward into the future I know I can have. I have to start listening to my inner voice and actually follow through on something. Maybe if I break it down into baby steps, I’ll be able to accomplish what I need to do this year in discovering who I am and what I am all about.

Choices That Are Hard To Make

I got some good advice from a friend this morning, I do not follow through with the plans that I want to make. Actually, my first step would be to actually sit down and make a list of goals and the actions I need to take to accomplish them. I have not done that yet. I do not need a life coach for that purpose. I have been good at inspiring others, so why can’t I inspire myself. I have so much and it is so overwhelming. I guess I should write down ten things to accomplish for the next 4 months and then work from there. Maybe if I break it down into smaller steps, I will be able to actually do something. I am so focused on losing Monte friendship, that I have lost focus of me and what I need to accomplish. I am sitting here waiting for him to notice me, what kind of life is that. Waiting by the phone, waiting for him to notice me, miss me, want me, and love me. I cannot live like that, I do not want to live like that. He does not want me to be that way either. I am driving him and myself crazy with this. I know he likes me, he does not want to lose our friendship. I believe him when he says it, I’ve looked in his eyes. I think tonight, I am going to sit down, write out ten things I want to accomplish by September and then go on from there. Then I want to start making lists of things I want to do every day, to keep myself busy and my mind off of everything. I know that I am driving myself crazy sitting here in this apartment and not living my life. I need to take the bull by the balls and rip them off and start living.

Numerology Report

I tried a free numerology report on the web, it looked interesting to me. Astrology, stars, tarot, and horoscopes. My friend Karen believes in this stuff and has her charts done.Your Inner or Soul's Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction.Number: 6You desire responsibility, steadfast love, a harmonious home, domesticity, and maintaining long-standing family traditions. The perfect environment for you has ease, comfort, beauty, music, and harmony.You empathize with those who, through no fault of their own, are suffering. You are sympathetic to the needs of humanity. If you knew how, you would correct all injustice as a cosmic parent or guardian would. You have a good sense of loyalty and are a natural counselor.You are artistic, kind, understanding, inclined toward conventionality but broad-minded. When your emotions aren't too involved, you are a fine judge of character.Your life can be richer if you cultivate firmness and assertiveness to better balance your emotions and sense of justice, and realize that others have their own valid points of view.Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you.Number: 5You are seen as curious, sensual, witty, carefree, capricious, and restless. Monotony does not survive around you. You are adept with words and can entertain new ideas with relish, making you an enjoyable person to be around.You tend to be fashion conscious.You may go to extremes in outerwear (and underwear), just to be daring and watch people's reactions or to be in the limelight. Realize your personality can be stylishly expressed, without overdoing it, and still fit the occasion.Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, "shoulds", and "shouldn'ts" -- this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams..Number: 5You travel to all countries of the world and experience the cultures they have to offer. You are fluent in all native languages and thrill with understanding many and varied points of view. Ties and responsibilities are not present. You live for adventure and constant new experience.Your thoughts and pleasure are not predictable, even to yourself, but always relate to learning or experiencing new things.Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days.Number: 11Your destiny is to serve the human race. You see where the spirituality of the world can be improved and work tirelessly to bring it about.You are intuitive, psychic, visionary, and inspired, with an innate desire for harmony and impersonal perspective; all of which allow you to serve most ably as a diplomat, reconciliator, counselor, and mediator. You enjoy exploring, inventing, writing, lecturing, and working with minute details; and you feel rewarded for your efforts whenever you receive tender acknowledgment from those who feel close to you. With your instinctive response to rhythm, you can contribute much with music.You are refined, spiritual, inspired, and have a vibrant personality.Your Life's Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path.Number: 11You are drawn to movements or organizations with idealistic aims. You have a tendency to become caught up in fanatical cults or other fringe movements. Your path includes diplomacy in its various aspects -- smoothing the affairs of others with discretion, tact, intuition, cooperation, patience, persistence, persuasion, and loyalty to those you serve; being the peacemaker, cultivating friendships, and helping others reach their goals. Your path is easier when you express kindness and gentleness and are considerate of others' feelings.Your path includes developing your talents of invention, seeking the discovery of new principles, and elevating everything to the plane of inspiration. If you decide to investigate the psychic, healing, and metaphysical fields, you will be able to put them to their highest use. Trust your intuitions. Inspire by your own example. You can effect more change through persuasion than by force.Your opportunities are along spiritual lines or in the realms of invention, metaphysics, politics, or acting. You are liable to achieve great public attention and influence if you do not seek them from ulterior motives. You do well helping others reach their goals.This Year's Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year -- your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year.Number: 7This is your year for personal reflection and perfection, a year of introspection. You feel like analyzing everything you have been and are doing. You think about beauty, love, perfection, and what life is all about.You spend a good deal of time alone, getting acquainted with yourself and your new inner power. This year you gain a better understanding of your emotions and your spiritual nature. Take time out to rest, study, read, and travel, and to look at life from a different angle. Find outlets for personal creative expression.If you have psychic, spiritual, new age, or mystic interests, this is the year to pursue those studies.Quality is your standard.Next Year's Path.Number: 8This is your year of achievement, your year to make great strides in business, employment, promotions, monetary compensation, and/or the accumulation of possessions. It is your harvest time.You feel ambition stirring, a desire to better your financial condition. To accomplish this, it is necessary to be businesslike, efficient, and practical all year.Many opportunities present themselves. To gain your rewards, move forward in a businesslike manner and with sustained effort. Your state of mind, mental capacity, education, experience, and self-confidence are all part of your success and financial advancement.You feel desire to make a special effort to improve or bring to a successful conclusion some of the ideas and dreams of the past years.This is a year of action. Place your abilities on the market with a sense of self-confidence and authority.Last Year's Path.Number: 6This is a year of service for you, a duty year. You feel you're assuming new responsibilities. People make more demands of you this year. You are needed in many directions.Warmth and good will toward others, along with love and harmony, will make everything worthwhile. Justice, fair play, and honesty are important. It is a year for unselfish service.Take care of your health because without it you cannot help others. Find time for rest and relaxation. This is a year to be thorough and conscientious about everything that you do.It is a year of fine and friendly influence for marriage, tranquil home conditions, and traditional family activities. You may feel a strong desire to get settled.

Phenomenal Woman

I heard this poem being read by Maya Angelou awhile back and I saw it in a book that I am reading and I love it so much. I wanted to share.


Phenomenal Woman
By Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size, but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies. I say, it’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride in my step, the curl of my lips. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. I walk into a room just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can’t touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can’t see. I say, it’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Now you understand just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it ought to make you proud. I say, it’s in the click of my heels, the bend in my hair, the palm of my hand, the need for my care. ‘Cause I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.

In Remembrance Of My Dad

It is memorial day, a time to remember our loved ones. I am remembering my dad, Richard. He passed away in October and he is greatly missed by all who knew him.

Richard Wayne Coon

Richard Wayne Coon, 74, Longview, passed from death into eternal life on September 24, 2005 at home. He was born May 22, 1931 in Paul, Idaho, to William Fay and Jeannette (Hoppe) Coon. He graduated from Heyburn High School in 1949. After attending telegraphy school in Spokane, he joined the U.S. Navy in 1950 and served on the USS Dixie (a repair ship) till he was honorably discharged in 1954. He married Maurine (Myers) Coon in Gerber, California, August 7, 1955. After graduating from the Longview Business College in 1956, he worked for Roemer Electric Steel Foundry as office manager and expeditor until 1992. He is survived by his wife, Maurine; son, Robert Perry Coon of Portland and daughters, Joy Renee Davis of Phoenix, Oregon, Carrilee Sue Urquhart of Longview and Jamie Jean Holloway of Vancouver; five grandchildren, Jesse, Joshua, Nichole and Sarah Coon and Levi Urquhart. Also surviving are two brothers, Dean Coon of Spokane and Don Coon of Yuma, Arizona. Richard has dedicated his life to serving his Lord, after putting his trust in the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior when he was about 18. He enjoyed his volunteer work and served as Secretary/Treasure for the Bible Chapel and Signs for the Lord for the past 50 years. He also belonged to several organizations RSVP, LCOD (Lower Columbia Organization on Disability), BVI (Blind and Visually Impaired support group) and faithfully drove his wife to several other organizations involving disabilities and senior issues-some across the state. Richard and his wife have been mutually recognized several times for volunteer service. In 1999 they received the Cowlitz County Outstanding Senior Award, with recognition by the Area Agency on Aging. In 2004 they received the President's Call to Service Award for dedicating over 4,000 volunteer hours. In 2005 they were recognized as Outstanding Volunteers for Washington State by Gov. Christine Gregoire. Richard was known as a very quiet, gentle person ready to help when needed. He enjoyed several years of teaching Sunday School classes, fixing things up around the house, working in the flower garden (growing flowers to share), playing horse shoes, bowling and playing checkers with his grandchildren. He enjoyed working with his computer-especially the accounting aspect. But his greatest love was reading his Bible and sharing the love of the Lord Jesus Christ. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him.

Changing

I have been thinking a lot about what my sister Vickie and I discussed the other day. My entire life, I have built on what others have thought of me, whatever I could do to make them happy, I took on that responsibility, whatever their moods were, problems they were having, and if they were mad, sad, pissed, angry, or frustrated I took that upon myself, and it was my fault that they were in those moods. Why? I do not know why, I don’t. Thinking back on it, it must have started with my real mom, I felt responsible for her mood swings and her problems. Though they had nothing to do with me, I still took them upon my shoulders.
So last night and this morning, I made up my mind, I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I cannot control the world, and I do not control others. I can only control what I think, say, or believe. I am not going to be the victim and let others put me in the victim role any longer. It is not my responsibility. I refuse to put it on my shoulders whether or not I make you happy. I have to be me, I have my own voice, opinions, thoughts, tastes, dreams, and desires. I am not going to please and make you happy and I am not obligated to do so. I can only make me happy. I believe this. I can only make myself happy. I have my freedom now, I do not have to bend to anyone’s whims and unrealistic expectations. I am free.
I will be lonely, bored, sad, angry, frustrated, at times, but I have to be grateful for what I have in my life. I have been given many gifts and I have not picked them up, I have been bind by others expectations and their thoughts of what I should be. I cannot do that any longer. The core person is in jeopardy and I cannot let her get lost any further than she already is. I feel that the end of the long journey that I have been on is coming to an end. I am grateful for my life and what I have been taught so far. I am changing my perspective and getting out of the delusion of my own making. I am not blinded by the masks any more. They are gone, I see truth and I am being set free.

Revelations From A Tired Soul

A revelation came to me in my sleep. I took this picture on my road trip last summer with my friend Amber. It is a peaceful picture, it reminds of the journey that I have been traveling on for the last couple of years. The rocky road, no one in sight, just me, my supplies, and my hatchet.

I found myself acting like I did a few months ago with a certain friend of mine, Monte. I see it now, I do not know how to stop. I some how want him to save me from something. That is unfair to him, unfair to me. He is not my savior or protector. He is a friend. I am acting like the crazy lunatic that I was and that is not me. I do not understand why every time we become friend again this ends up happening. It is tiring.

I do not want to waste anymore of my energy on this subject. It is boring. I want to live. I want to live, I tell you.

Under The Tuscan Sun

I watched on of my favorite movies tonight, Under The Tuscan Sun, Francis went to visit this vivacious woman that is full of life and she went up to this woman’s apartment and she told her to “Stop Wallowing”. That hit a nerve with me. I have been wallowing in the pain for so long, that I do not know what the light of day looks like. This pit of hell that I made for myself is tiring me out.
Upon examination, I realized that I have let myself go again. It shows, in my appearance, my apartment, and most importantly in my relationships. I am tired of the negative talk that overtakes me at different aspects of my day. I think I am going mad, when I criticize myself, my friends, my family, and every one else, especially in reality I am not any better than of them. I realize recently that this is a family trait, putting others down, gossiping about them behind their backs, pointing fingers, and most importantly putting guilt trips on them. I hate it. It drives me nuts to think that I have become like that. I do not want to be that way.
So on this rainy Sunday morning, after writing a long essay, I decided to stop wallowing in the pain and move on down the line. Now I need to get the rubber boots on and start wadding into the discovery of the deep waters of me…….

Reviving The Dead Woman

Reality struck me in the head, leaving a mark on me that is not going to go away unless I do something about it. I set out with major goals at the end of April and here I am, I feel like I am losing my mind. This negative self talk, mainly in my mothers voice, coming in to haunt me. My dreams tell me something different, showing me the light of the situation. There are hands out here wanting to help me accomplish what it is to be me. I do not want to live in denialville any longer. I know that for sure.
I cannot live in the lies that I make for myself any longer, or depend on someone else to be my everything. I find myself doing the exact same thing that ran him off last time, our relationship is on shaky ground already. I can feel the tension between us, but I can also feel the love and care he feels for me. He is a good friend, moody, but a good friend. I care a lot about him. We have been through so much together. These problems I have, long before I even met him, are mine to deal with. It is unfair to burden him with my bullshit and he is sick and tired of talking about our friendship and our many problems. I am sick of it too. I am choosing to end that right now. I have to focus on myself, the things I want, my hopes, dreams, desires, happiness, and get out of this rut that I am in. I do not want to be here any longer. I do not like myself any more.
I had a dream a few weeks back, I was climbing a mountain, Monte, Amber, Vickie, Linda, and several others were already on top, waiting for me to get there. Amber, Linda, and the others were not paying attention to me, but Monte was looking at me, offering me his hand to help me up where he was. He said you can do it, I know you can, I believe in you, I felt like I was going to fall and I did not. Then all of a sudden I morphed and I was looking at myself in a mirror, the face did not belong to me. Looking at it, it began to look mean, evil, cruel, and then it suddenly started to bleed.
Talking about the dream today, I realized what it meant, what it symbolizes. I am a true believer that dreams are tellers, they can help you solves problems in your lives. I know mine have. The meaning in this dream, is that I have been stuck on the side of this mountain and I am almost to the top of it, and I only have a small bit to go. The fears, self doubt, and insecurities in my head are paralyzing me to the point where I am going crazy. There are key people in my life who would be so happy that I made it, that I am finally myself, free to do what I want, need, and found my happiness. These people also are tired of me leaning on them constantly having them tell me who I am and bitching about this same thing over and over again. They are also tired of me doubting their love, care, and tenderness for me. They do not want me to make them feel guilty, manipulating them into being my friend, entertaining me, and being my constant companion. I saw this today, I am making a conscious choice to change that right now, before I lose anymore.
What can I do to get out from under the black rock that is crushing me into tiny little pieces, will the pieces be put back together? Can they be, is the more logical question? I have goals, here they are from when I typed them out in April.
Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.
Goal 5~~~ Volunteer at some place to get more experience…
I have been procrastinating on goals 3, 4, and 5. Either that or I have been living in denial land for awhile when it comes to those things. I think it is that I have been living in denial land for a long time, and it is easy to go back into the land of denial, bitching, and sobbing my way through a hopeless existence. I am making myself miserable with this rut that I am in. I am deciding today, I am going to get these things that I want. I am not going to be in denial in how things are and I am not going to sit around waiting for life to just happen. I do have to make an effort, I have to make a start. I cannot cling to the people who are in my life and expect them to live my life for me, tell me who I am, make choices for me. I have a voice. I want to use it. I am going to exercise my voice and let my voice be heard.

Why?

Why am I so afraid to tell people who care about me what is going with me? That I am miserable, unhappy, that things do not always work out as I have hoped, things have to be postponed, etc……… I hate disappointing people, why is that? Why do I feel like I have to make a production out of something that is so simple, that I just have to state it out right? Things are difficult for me right now, after my breakdown in March, where I lost it, depending on someone to make me happy. I cannot live that way again, I did that far too long already. Why is it so easy to go back to where you do not want to be?
I am feeling overwhelmed, anxious, alone, and sad. The two years since Rick’s death and I feel that I have not accomplished a thing. I wanted a life, I did not have a life with Rick. I got used to staying at home, doing nothing, slowly dying myself. Why did I do that to myself? Now, I am having a hard time with getting my own life, so I grab onto anyone that will let me. I feel alone, I tell others that is what I want, to be alone. In reality, I do not wish to be that. I just do not know how to reach out and let someone near me. It scares me to death. I met a friend that I feel a connection with, I feel I have destroyed the relationship, because of my ways. I care about him a lot, we have talked about a lot of things with each other, he was there when no one else was, during the anniversary of Ricks passing. I missed him the few times he told me to fuck off, because I was harassing him. I do not want to do that again. I find myself in the same predicament as before. It scares me to think that I am going to lose his friendship or any of the great people I know in my life. I feel like I have to bribe them to be around me, to like me, yet, I do not want that at all. It makes me feel like no one is truly a friend that way. I have to stop anyways, if I keep giving everything I have away, including me, what do I have left. I cannot give it away any longer, I am at the end of the line. I am closer to the end than I think any one realizes. I have kept a lot of the things that I am experiencing to myself. I do not know how to open up, speak out, and let me flow. I am still cooped up in the past life that I lived in Longview. The muck, the mire, the shit, that was my existence is gone, but is it really? It does not feel like it is at times.
Rick and I lived a lonely, bitter existence in Longview. His bitterness towards life, wore on me, I have been noticing that I have taken up some of his actions. I am not happy about that, I am having a hard time trusting and I find myself being manipulative, angry, frustrated, hurt, and irrational. I have not felt any of things ever before and I do not like it. I do not like bullshit and I feel that I am feeding it to people. If it keeps up, no one will want me around and I rather like some of the people in my life. I need to change some of this aspects, but I am at a lost to how or even what to change.
As you can probably tell, I have had a lot of things on my mind. It is tiresome and it does not get me anywhere. I have so much to change and I do not even know where to begin or even how to start. That is my dilemma……

Week In Review

I have been fighting off my urges to call Monte. I am proud of myself. The temptations been great, but I have not given in. The first week has been the hardest, in the pursuit that I seek for myself in this matter. I am waiting for him to contact me. I believe what he said about not wanting to lose my friendship. I am learning new things while doing this about myself, about Monte, about my other relationships. I have not explored all the options that I have in this area. I have different types of relationships in my life. That is my quest right now, exploring them and engaging in these relationships and not just expecting one person to be my sole everything.
Tuesday, I went to my mothers for a visit. I have not been down there in awhile. It is hard to be in the house sometimes, because of my dad not being there anymore. I keep having this expectation of him walking out of his office with a book in his hand and start talking about his latest read. This time, my mom and I had a big talk about things, a serious talk. We have never engaged in such a conversation. We were talking about the loss of our partners in life. It has been over two years since Rick passed and my dad passed away 9 months ago. My mom does not show her emotions easily, everything is in a Polly Anna world to her. It was nice to have my mom be real about the emotional state she has been in, concerning my dads death and her twin sisters. After our talk, we went out to the backyard and gardened. I love gardening, getting my hands all dirty, seeing the worms, cocoons (wondering if they are for lady bugs, butterflies, or moths), and the Beatles. We worked in the yard for over an hour, talking too, you would be amazed what you talk about when you are working together. After working in the garden I went home and I found three of the movies I first ordered from Netflix, Walk The Line, Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, and Designing Women. I watched Designing Women first because I love that show on tv. I did not care for the episodes they chose to put on the DVD. Oh well, it nice to laugh. Then I watched Bridget Jones, I love it. I love the first one too. She is so real. It is so cool. I laughed, cried, and had insight. I love it when you get all these things from a movie.
On Wednesday, I watched Walk The Line movie, I didnt care for it all that much. I didnt even care for the Lord Of The Rings movies either. I know music history, thanks to Rick. I hate it when they do not follow exactly how it happened. I wish I was ignorant in this area, my life would be so much easier.
Last night, Friday night, I went to Ambers house. We went to Prescott beach, it is near the Trojan Nuclear plant. We wanted to get some snap shots before they destroy it. I am going to have one cool birthday candle that day, by birthday is May 21st and that is when they are destroying Trojan.. Trojan has been a land mark to me since I can remember. I always knew home is not too far away. I will miss that massive tower. Back to the beach, I slide down the sandy hill on my butt to get to the water. I bet it was a glorious sight. Jackie and I wrote everyones name in the sand and enjoyed the dirt on our feet. I am so glad I wore flip flops that day. I felt sorry for Russ because he wore tennis shoes. Amber didnt go down, she was up top of the massive hill taking pictures of us. The fun part came, when I tried to go up the sandy hill. I climbed it like I was a baby learning to crawl for the first time. I enjoyed it, water calms me, relaxes me, centers me it always has. I love the beach, water, trees, flowers, and animals. I met some cool animal friends yesterday, as well. I saw my nephew Ricks new home and spent most of the day with his wife Jessica and their furry critters. Steve, Christy, Spooky, Coats, and gazer. Steve is a lover, he kept coming up and kissing me and loving on me. It took Christy a moment, but she warmed up to me. Gazer, much to Jessicas surprise came up to me. He is skittish and doesnt go up to strangers. What can I say, animals love me. LOL Back to Ambers now, when we got back from the beach, we watched a scary movie, that made us all scream. It is called Into The Darkness, it is an independent film. It a psychological thriller and I love those, so does Amber.
Today, my new batch of movies are here, In her Shoes, The Good Son, and Proof, I know what I am doing today and tonight. If anyone has any recommendations for movies, please send them by..

Ultimate Weight Solution

“The Ultimate Weight Solution” by Dr. Phil McGraw, this is a book I am reading now. I picked it up last summer, but I haven’t read it yet. I just started it this morning. A lot of truth is in this book. I am enjoying it. It has some ideas in it for goal setting, such as, setting realistic goals, what to do instead of, and a lot of other ideas. I decided I have 135 pounds to lose to get to my ideal weight and I have an action plan to help me get to that goal. I have gotten some fabulous ideas for other parts of my life, while I am reading this book. I am in the chapter that is explaining the first key to his plan, “Right Thinking”. I am finding it helpful, because my thinking been distorted by things in my life, that I have to change the way I think about myself and things in my life. I have to be accountable to myself, I have to acknowledge, work through, and decide what I need to do. I have known this for a long time, I am more than positive there have been people in my life who have spoken to me, but I have not listened to what they had to say. I was not ready to learn or to be out of the pit of denial that I built around myself. I have been ruled by lies, muck, pain, the past, and frankly, I am tired of living in the self destructive way. I deserve better, I have better, if only I let myself have it. I am realizing this, though, the people who have proclaimed they care about me, maybe they do. I do not know, that is something that will be revealed when the time is right. As of now, my goals are these: I am going to share them, even though they are personal.

Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.

Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.

Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.

Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.

These are my goals for right now, they are probably going to change as I explore things in my life. I am awake, maybe for the first time in my life. I am feeling happy, hopeful, and at peace with the path that I am on. I am choosing to go ahead and stop living in my past, living the life that was the views of someone else, I am changing it and I have the authority and the power to do so.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is as valuable to the one forgiven as to the one who forgives.Amish proverb
I got this proverb in an email. It made me think about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? I have had many people tell me what forgiveness is, their definition, their opinion, but I never thought about my own interpretation to this word, emotion, and attribute. I have been told I am a forgiving person, that I just forgive, let bygones be bygones, and accept their apology or non apology. Frankly, I am tired of talking about things that people have done wrong to me in my past. That is all I focus on, that is all anyone wants to focus on. Yes, I have had a terrible past, been abused, ridiculed, hurt, and tormented by lots of people. Up until just recently, I’ve lived in my past. Not looking forward to my future, to my possibilities, goals, dreams, hopes, and the things that are me. I am finally discovering this, and strangely I am at peace with everything that is around me. Even the fact, I will be alone on my birthday. My friends are going to be either out of town or doing something else, my family will be in Arizona for my nephew’s graduation. I decided, instead of feeling blue, disappointed, hurt, or anything I am going to make it special for me. I am going to make myself a fabulous dinner, and watch movies all weekend, since my birthday is a weekend. If anyone out there has any suggestions for movies to watch, let me know?

Epiphany

I took this picture at the beach last summer. I like it a lot, it is peaceful. This morning an epiphany came to me, hitting me upside the head. A lot of things have been happening in my life, since the day Rick passed away. A lot of changes have been happening, my dads' death, changing relationships, selling my home, starting a new life, and changing the core of who I am. I have not liked who I was before. I thought I knew myself, I thought I had things together, I thought a lot of things that were not accurate or true. For starters I hate waiting, waiting for answers from someone else, especially when it is not quick and doesn't come at my own timing. I do not have the right to demand an answer from someone who is not ready to give it. I hate it when I am put in that predicament. In a lot of ways I am thoughtful, in some others I am not. I do have compassion and understanding, but I also possess selfishness, lack of self control, and impatients. I am learning these things about myself. It is hard to look yourself in the mirror. The last few months I have gotten to the core of my being, my soul, my spirit. Though, I have had to to a lot of examinating and declarations. I have not gotten all of it. I am burned to ashes, the bird thats inside of me is growing. Though, I am not sure what that means, I have not gotten the pieces back together in my life. I have made some awful mistakes. I have made some decisions, I am not going to live in the past. Though, the people in my life will try and drag me down to that level. I know what my past is, I know how has effected me. I am choosing to let it go, move on, and stop wallowing in the pain of broken hearts, dreams, relationships, and most importantly loss of everything. My bank account is overdrawn, no more withdrawals are going to be made. I have never stood up to myself or to anyone in my life. Saying no, the other day to a dear friend, brought on some understanding. I have to do things for myself, it is not being selfish. My friends and family have learned this and have no problem thinking of themselves. If it will hurt me financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am not going to do it. I have done that more than once in my life and I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for a long time. I have given everything away and the things I have now, I am keeping. The gifts that are coming into my life, I am keeping. I'm not giving them away to anyone. On another note, I have also decided to fight my urges, and let it go with Monte. The confusion about our friendship is still there, but I am not going to wallow in it any more. I know it will be tough for me, I give in to my doubts and the part that misses his laughter and jokes. I have to prove something to myself and to him, that I am not dependent on him for anything. I am hopeful that in time we will be able to talk and laugh again. I am learning a lot of things this year about myself.

Beauty And The Beast

What is beauty? This is a subject that is on my mind this afternoon. There are several reasons for this subject on my mind. First, is a week ago, my big sister and I discussing beauty from an essay from Sarah Ban Breathnach titled "You are beautiful". She states in the first sentences "You are beautiful right now. Today. Just the way you are, just the way you look as you read these three words. You. Are. Beautiful." Boy did this bring up a discussion, one that took awhile on the subject of beauty. This is not my normal care, not until recently. I don't care about all the hype, makeup, hair, products, looks, and stuff. I have taken this rebel attitude to the fullest of the full. So far, in fact, that I am offensive to some people. Partly, this is due to a past life that I lived, and the other is do to what the heck do you do about some of these things that come up. Some of them are embarassing. I do have one dear friend Amber, who has showed me things about make-up, I have taken some of her methods and even invented some of my own. Finally, I am able to apply foundation, and all that goop on my face without feeling nervous anymore. I apperciate Amber's view point, it does make you feel better when you take care of yourself. That includes some beauty regiments and learning to appreciate yourself and realizing that taking time in caring for yourself is important. I have discovered, just recently, that there are ways to take care of your hygiene needs on a tight budget, or actually a almost none exhistant budget. I am not perfect at this concept yet, it is still new to me. I am taking notice, I am loving me enough to care about my beauty. I know I'm not going to be no Cindy Crawford, Madonna, Charlize Terron, or even Angelina Jolie. I am going to be me. I am beautiful inside and out the way I am. I have one hope that every woman realizes this and appreciate each others beauty and differences

Music Of The Heart

A new beginning, a different start. Tonight, while I am cleaning, checking email, doing myspace, and such. I am listening to some cds. It's been awhile since I actually listened to music, can you believe that I am saying that? I am listening to my country. It stems from my childhood, I am well rounded in my music. I love a little bit of every thing. Old, new, in between, and odd stuff that some people never heard of. Living with a man, who had a massive collection of music. I gave so many cds, cassettes, and lps away that I looked like a freak. I kept some for myself, don't get me wrong. I like Reba McEntire, yes, she isn't the best singer in the world, but she happens to choose thought out and passionate songs. I have to be in the mood for her, just like any of the music that I happen to have in my collection. I have to be in the mood, the only artist that I am in the mood for all the time is Tori Amos. This one song caught me off guard by Reba tonight. In fact, I replayed it a couple of times to make sure the words sung, were what I heard. This one section of the song, I absolutely triggered a thought into my head. How in the heck did the writter of this song get into my head? How did they know my life? How did they know period? I experience that in songs all the time. I experience that not only in songs, but in books, tv, movies, and all kinds of things. Lately, my eyes have been open to a lot of the things around me. The people in my life, friends, family, neighbors, grocery clerks, other students, and artists. The part of the song that blew me out of the water.....
What i was so afraid ofTurned out to be my freedom in disguiseNow i know what i'm made ofGuess it just took some time to realizeI was blind i couldn't tellPut too much faith in someone elseI gave up on myself
Giving up on myself, I have done this.... I am in the process of mucking through the crap to get to the other side of life, my life.