Lap Band

I haven’t been on the internet for a few months, things happen that you cannot change or do anything about sometimes. I’m not gonna dwell on that subject at all, the important thing is I’m back on.

I am facing a new chapter in my life, in several areas. I have made a conscious, difficult, and painful decision. The muck of denial I immersed myself in for so long, concerning my weight and my health, the shades of denial, overlooking, giving up, loathing of myself is on a perpetual spin in a new and different direction. I have opted to get the Laparoscopic adjustable gastric banding done. I’ve been thinking about this procedure for years and years. I am finally going for the gold, concerning my weight and health. My weight finally caused me to suffer extreme health issues that I am having right now. I have to be a fighter for myself and I realize this is for my health. I do not want to become a cripple at age 33 and be the way I am now. Something has to give, and I know what it is finally. I am not good at follow through, I never have been in my life. It is easier to deny, lie, and do whatever it takes to make that other person happy for the moment, even if it meant I lost my dignity in the process. That is no more. I made the first step by contacting the “Legacy Good Samaritan Obesity Institute” in Portland Oregon. I went to their information seminar and I got the application and I filled out the paperwork and mailed it in today. Hopefully, soon I will be hearing from them concerning this surgery and get the changes started. I have read the many pamphlets and researched it on my own, as well. I am confident with my decision, I am at peace that this is the path that I am meant to be on. When Rick passed away from complications from obesity two years ago, I knew then something needed to be done. I lost weight, but I have not been able to go pass the 300 pound mark. I always gained and lost, it is difficult and painful for me. I am opening up about my weight issues, these feelings that I am going through. I am grateful that I have a few people in my life who are going to support me through this life alternating experience. I am sending a huge thank you, I love you, and you are awesome to these people. My mom, my brother Rob and his family, my sisters Vickie, Joy, and Carri, my dear sweet friends Monte, Amber, and Christina. It means a lot to me to have all your support.

Desert Island and 5 DVDS

You're on a desert island with a TV, DVD Player and 5 DVDs (plus enough batteries to run them). Which ones are they?


1. The golden girls box set
2. Pretty In Pink
3. Miss Congeniality
4. First Wives Club
5. Star Wars

Denialville or Illusion Island

Is the effort really worth it? This question is haunting me at this moment in my life. Crawling around on the floor, vacuuming trying to keep a clean environment in my two-bedroom apartment. I do not want to become like I was in Longview in my 5-bedroom house, wallowing in filth and unhappiness. Effort is apart of life, I realize. I am struggling with things on my plate, with my family and friends. I am scared of the truth, but sometimes the truth bites you in the ass when you least expect it. The shroud of illusion that has engulfed me for my entire life, is ripping apart. The red thick tapestry of fabric slowly, tearing down the middle of what I thought was real. I see the truth, I see that I am not consider family to the Coon’s. Those comments and the way of life has turned me into a mess of sorts. A mess that’s encompassing me to the fullest. The reality of the situation is eminent and I have to do something or I will surely die. I have to cut away the fragments that are not truth and start over again. I started this process three long years ago, Ricks death, my father’s death, and the death of an old life that needed to be killed is coming to an end. I am not sure where or what I am going to do. I do know that change needs to happen in me and I’m not sure how to do it or even what to do. All I know is that I’m not happy. I have to do something to change this mood I’m in. I talked to Monte tonight for a few minutes and he doesn’t want me to go through this alone. I am used to being alone, figuring out things alone. The illusions I didn’t do alone, my life is like one of those mirror mazes at the carnival where you walk through these long corridors trying to find your way out into the realism of the world. I do not have what I thought I did.
These judgments that have been made against me, because of stupid choices that I’ve made are not correct. I am unclear of what my steps will be, all I know is I do not like being in this maze anymore. I do have four awesome people who want to help me, Monte, Joy, Amber, and Vickie they do not expect anything from me in return. I want to scream, I don’t want to be here anymore, but I don’t know where to go. Help Me, please, somebody.

Good Times

This picture was taken a few months ago before Trojan wasted into a pile of rubble. We decided to see it a week before it was to be destroyed. You never know what will happen when we get together, some of us get hungry for hair. LOL

Writing

While talking to my absolutely talented writing sister, Joy about my incident with the Sheriffs officer, she told me I needed to write my story out or she will do it. Joy is my soul sister friend, though we are not related by blood, we’ve always been able to connect. My blood sister Vickie and I are connected too and they’ve both been encouraging me to write out my story. I haven’t been feeling any inspiration to do it for a long time, I’ve had visions and a miraculous divine that I should, but I have not mastered the editing, punctuation, grammar, and all those things that great writers have in their repertoire. Joy is a master editor, and has that talent for it. I don’t. I do not like editing in the bit, rereading wondering if something is perfect, but yet that is apart of writing, isn’t it?
This thought came to my brain while sleeping last night, I can use this down time that I have to start writing it. Maybe the great universe is telling me it is time and so that is why this is happening. Maybe the start of my story can be what happened yesterday morning.

The Sheriff And The Toilet

Well, I had the most interesting experience in my life this morning. I fractured my left ankle again a few weeks ago, I'm suppose to stay off of my feet, so I've been a good girl this time and I've been staying off of it. Monte, Amber, my brother Rob, my nephew and his wife have been so kind in helping me out when I need anything. I can't walk and they've been helpful in grocery shopping and stuff for me, which I am grateful for. They are blessings. Back to this experience this morning, some wonderful person called the Adult Protective Services to check up on me, because I haven't been out of my apartment in awhile, so this morning the Sheriffs sent by them, let themselves into my apartment while I was sitting on the toilet. It was so embarassing to me and I'm sure it was to him too. He didn't stay too long, they just wanted to see if I was still alive and kicking. Well I"m not kicking, but I am alive. I am not angry by this, actually, it is a good thing that they have services like this, but it sure was an experience I'll never forget.

My Era

You should have grown up during the twenties You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Questions

Name seven cities you'd like to live in that you have not already lived in before.

San Francisco
Seaside
Seattle
Boulder
Boston
Any city in Maine
Astoria


How many different time zones have you lived in? Which one would you most like to live in? I have lived in one time zone

What is the current setting of your home's thermostat? Do you adjust it up or down based on the time of day, or leave it at one setting at all times? My thermostat is off, it is too freaking hot to have it on.

Go to your bedroom closet (or the closet in which you keep the majority of your clothes. Take a quick glance: what color do you see the most of? Is this color your favorite color? If not, why do you have more of it than your favorite color? My shirts are either pink or red. These are two of my favorite colors, though I do need to get some other colors going.



Imagine your dream house: how many stories would your ultimate home have? One story

Ripped from the Headlines: An underage teenager decides he does not want to undergo a particularly rough regimen of chemotherapy to treat his cancer. With his parents' blessing, he decides to pursue an alternate treatment to be supervised by a clinic that is outside of the country. Should a court intervene and force the teen to undergo the "traditional" treatment? How much does the prognosis for successful treatment with the chemotherapy affect your judgment?
The government needs to keep their freaking nose out of peoples personal choices for medicine. If the parents have okayed it and said it was alright with them, then what the hell is the problem. Secondly, chemo is not that great in the first place for treating cancer.


Name your picks for your favorite seven game shows. (If you're not a big game show fan, that's okay: just name up to seven shows you'd at least expect to see on that list.)

Wheel Of Fortune
Jeopardy
The Weakest Link
Who wants to be a millionaire
The price is right
25,000 pyramid

Wolverine

You scored as Wolverine. Wolverine is a loner, and a skilled fighter. He's got the hots for Jean Grey but a better fit for him would be Storm. He doesn't like to follow orders which pisses Cyclops off. He has terrible memories from the experimentation done on him at Weapon X. Even though he doesn't show it, he loves the X-Men. Powers: Fast healing and adamantium skeleton and claws. Wolverine 85% Nightcrawler 70% Colossus 70% Jean Grey 70% Storm 65% Emma Frost 55% Rogue 50% Iceman 45% Gambit 45% Beast 35% Cyclops 30% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Life Sucks

How do you let go? Let go of the things that are tying you down, making you feel like shit. These are the questions that are going through my mind at this present moment. I am miserable, in pain, frustrated, lonely, sad, and most of all angry at the world. Why am I in the same exact spot that I was in before? I hate this, I loathe it to the fullest extreme. I’m tired of being stuck in a perpetual wheel of grief, suffering, pain, loneliness, and anger all the time. Right now, I just want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off. Really, to fuck off, leave me the hell alone, but then I think, I love these people, some of them at least. The reason I am angry is their resilience to get back up on the horse every time something bad happens to them. Monte, keeping on calling those hotlines meeting new girls to talk to, meet, and stuff. Amber with everything going well for her. Here I sit, alone, suffering, hurting, angry, in pain, and not knowing how to get out there. I don’t want to meet anyone right now, I have so much wrong with me. I am living like I am in my 60’s or 70’s, when I am in my thirties. I can’t walk, I can’t function as a person. I am stuck in this house, alone, crying, wanting more than I can have. I feel like sometimes no one cares about me, then I realize it is my selfishness, my loneliness, my anger and pain that is speaking. I am being irrational, in their own way, they care. I mean for goodness sake, Monte came over Friday night brought me groceries and got my mail for me. Amber is coming up on Tuesday to take me out to run errands. My foot prevents me from functioning at this moment. I do not understand this emotional state that I am in. I have never been this way in my life, I cry at the drop of a hat. I bet it is the years of muck, debris that is finally coming out. I have been on a quest of digging myself out of the world of denial and illusion that has been before me for so long. I am not sure half the time if I am up or down, whether I should go this way or that way. All I know is I am tired of this hell right now. Things are suffering all around me, it is noticeable. I am tired of it, I have to do something. What it is, I do not know.

Spring

You are Spring Fresh blossom on trees and crisp dew covered grass is what you enjoy Take the Season Quiz at Quizopolis.com

I Don't Want To Be A Cripple

I don’t want to be a cripple at age 32. The pain in my left foot has finally subsided and I decided to try and walk a little bit. I didn’t do it for long, I walked like a funny, crazy, hunch back and I had to use the walls as braces to make it the small way to the bedroom. I miss walking, I miss not being able to get up and down on my own whims to get things done. I have so much to get done, cleaning, watering my plants, and taking care of business outside the safety net of my home. At my age, I shouldn’t be acting like an old lady, I’m not old, I should be vibrant, ready to get things done for me. My God, I am back at the same place I was before and it sucks. Then on top of this, I am so worried about my sister and her tests coming up for Cervical cancer. It runs in our family, my aunt Marie told me yesterday that she had it at my age and had to get a hysterectomy. If it ain’t one thing, then it is another. Life sucks sometimes, but changes happen.

Death and Rebirth

Misery, what exactly is it? The definition in the dictionary states its meaning as extreme pain, distress or misfortune, great unhappiness. This word describes me to the bone. I am unhappy, last night having an old friend who opened up my eyes with one statement broke the last cord of denial that I have for myself. I am living like I used to in Longview, in misery, hopelessness, despair, hurt, pain, suffering, and in disgust. The reason I wanted to sell the old house in Longview was to start again in Vancouver, breaking the cycle that I was on. When I least expect it, it crept back in. I am disgusting and pathetic all over again, living in my own perpetual hell. How the hell do I get out of this road I’m on?
This fracture ankle, I knew it was a sign that something has to change. The change has to happen inside of me, I have listened to advice from my sisters Joy and Vickie, to my friends Amber and Monte, to my mom, to whomever. I am not sure, I am not taking away the knowledge my loved ones have, but I am also needing to find my own path down this road that I am clearly on. I am a firm believer that everyone is on their own road, they have their own truth. I sometimes forget to remember this, especially, when a dear friend or family member is in need, but it is all true. I am so consumed by this morbid grief, that is killing my spirit and soul, making family and friends run from me, that I am torturing every aspect of my life. This demon that has this hold on me, will not let go. What is my own truth? Do I have the strength and power to usurp this negative energy and make it into something positive for myself? The match has already been lit, the flames long ago burned out, I am now ashes. Reconstructing this woman has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I have encouraged, helped, supported, loved, cared for, cried with, and laughed with all my friends and family, but I have never done these things for me. I took a tarot card reading from the Gaian Tarot Oracle website. I enjoy this ladies writing, insights, and her art. She draws and makes her own tarot cards. I found her site on another blog that I enjoy reading, writer Kim Antieau. I have never read her books, but my sister Joy has and loves her work. I got the Lovers card in the Opportunity section, the Builder in the Challenge section, and the Death and Being Born card in the Resolution section. Isn’t that interesting? My questions were, I asked two, they were: What about my relationships with Monte and Amber, what is in store with them and then I asked one about myself, about my future and my life. I clearly have to grieve, I clearly have to break down, in order to rise about this hell that I am in.
I am on a quest of some sort, for what I am not quite sure. Time will reveal what is in store for me, I can only make plans for right now. I have to be a mindful thinker and not a mindless one. I know what I have to do, I have to get these last 135 pounds off, so I do not end up like a cripple. The weight is crushing the bones in my ankle. It is scary. I am unable to walk, which is a pain in the ass. I feel like a pathetic loser. These tears that are formed in my eyes, crying over the loss of me, having friends looking at me pathetically, how in the hell did you get yourself to be like that? The scorn, the negativity, and the every beatings of myself, in my head. I am feeling so stupid, so pathetic, a loser again. I let myself go, I have turned off the power, passion, exuberance that I felt towards life when I was young. I know the exact moment I lost it, is it possible to gain it back? Has it really been beaten out of me?
This emotional turmoil will not stop, does it ever, it seems insurmountable when you are burned to the ground and are only ashes. I got news of my sister and her possibility of having cervical cancer, I so much want to be there in Alabama with her, holding her, crying with her, talking with her. I suddenly realized how much she means to me, I love her so much. We call ourselves the weird sisters, we are most definitely strange to the bone. Then another change in my friendships with Amber and Monte. I realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate they can be. I do not love them or care about them any less because of these two qualities. I am opening my eyes to reality and what I must do for myself. I love these two people greatly, and I will never tell them to get out of my life. That is simply not acceptable in my book, it is hurtful. I have had it done to me many times and I am not willing to let someone else go through it. It sucks, when you are suddenly hit in the face with a dose of reality that you did not expect. I also understand that they are having a change in their lives themselves, I do not judge them for it or condemn them for it. It is apart of human nature. Change happens, I can either lay their, crying like a fat whale on a beach getting ready to die, or I can be a fighter and figure out a way out of this place. I am choosing to be the fighter that I know I am. If I can fight for others, why can’t I do that for me?

Vegan And Type II

I got this interesting article about the Vegan diet and diabetes. I have type II Diabetes, though I do not have to take medication yet, I still have it. I have to be mindful of what I eat, sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I do not think I could go Vegan, because I love cheese and yogurt. I still found it interesting. I am aware that I need to improve my diet in a lot of ways. Why is it the cheap food is so much cheaper than the food that is good for you?

New Mission

Contemplating my own scheme of things in the areas of health, relationships, and finances is a difficult task that I have set before myself. I have been procrastinating, living in the web of denial that I have weaved for myself. That has to stop, RIGHT NOW! My body is out of balance, along with my spirit and soul. I need to stop living in this web of deceit and figure out how to get snap away this binding, tentacle that has grasped itself permanently to my body. I have been sadden lately, to be totally honest, for many years. I have gotten myself stuck in the same old rut that I wanted out so badly before. This relationship with Monte is always up in a roar. I’m struggling with this relationship, I have from the beginning. I like him a lot, I care about him too, I want to believe he feels that way towards me too. I have a hard time believing this and consequently I challenge him every change I get. Though now, I am not sure what is happening. I feel like apart of me has been cut off, violently ripped off and now I am hemorrhaging from the wound. I am slowly realizing, it isn’t him, it is me. I am the cause of my own emotional uproar, my own dilemma. I have to figure out what to do about these things, and not just with Monte. I have been way too dependent on him for help, and I think he feels it. That is why he probably runs from me. Amber is tired of hearing about my problems with Monte and she runs. I wish I could run from me too. I have so many things going on in this brain of mine. I have at least circled the problems. First, I am an emotional overeater, Second, I am passive aggressive and I get angry at myself and others when I cannot defend myself from others violations of my person hood. Thirdly, I am tired of this body I am in, I am tired of having no passion or joy in my life. Whew, that was so hard to get out. It is hard to get the truth out in the open, but I have to be honest and realistic with myself and with others in my life. Sometimes the only way is to write it out.
Now on to greener pastures, Amber and I have to decided to start our own support group for us overweight gals. We are poor and cannot afford spending our precious money on things that are frivolous as weight watchers, tops, or over eaters anonymous. I am sure those groups work, but sometimes you have to work with what you have. So instead of sitting and boo hooing over my weight, swollen ankle from the weight, health problems, and such. I am making me my mission, I have helped a lot of people in my life, so why am I not capable of helping me. Amber and I discussed this yesterday, and we want a rewards system, we want to have a system for helping each other when we are having a hard time, support, encouragement, and motivation are important factors to any new regime. If there is anyone else out there who wants to join the bang wagon, feel free to join. It is always easy to get motivated, but it is difficult to stay there. I am a strong believer that encouragement and support is important in ones life.

Apologizing For My Emotions

It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.
-Virginia Woolf

I woke up at 3am from a strange dream. Monte and I were having a conversation and I was helping him like I have always done. It felt strange because of the hurt feelings that I have towards him at this moment, but I still love him and wanted to help him. Early this evening, we had a text conversation, one that was painful to me.
You see I was apologizing for being rude to him when we got off the phone earlier today, there was a better way in telling him how I felt than what I said and I was apologizing for not what I was saying, but for being rude. He text me back “Would you please stop with that. Ur looking pathetic. Please have some self confidence. You are forgiven, but you don’t have to be sorry for something so mild.” When I got that, I was offended, and I didn’t respond right away. Then I said to him “at first I was offended by your response. I’m not pathetic and I do have self confidence and it is growing. I know You said it out of love for me, but it still hurt my feelings.” Then he wrote back “Do not apologize for how you feel.” I wrote back that “I’m not, u did hurt me and I’m not pathetic.” I have not heard back from him after that, but he was going out tonight. This dream that I had this early morning, started off with me in my old house with Rick sitting in his old chair by the telephone and answering machine. He has been dead for almost 3 years and the look on his face when I was playing back the messages from Monte on the phone and from my other friends was not good, it was strange. I realized where I got the apologizing for how I was feeling from. I was not allowed to own my emotions and feelings, I had to suppress them so that this sick man could have everything he wanted, then it warped back into me in my new apartment, a part of me is dead to the old, but still living it in some aspects. Why am I doing that? I do not have to be sorry that I am angry with him, that he hurt my feelings, or that in my opinion he is being stupid again. I have every right to feel that way and I don’t have to hide how I am feeling. I am still hurt by Montes’ words, though my rational side believes he said it out of love for me, but the emotional side is deeply wounded. I need to give myself some space from him for a little while. Though in my dream we were talking and I was helping him problem solve. I still believe that we have this deep connection, this connection is deeper than anything I have ever felt with anyone in my life. I am still unclear about our relationship, all I know is we have an odd one.

Fundamentalists

Fundamentalists are not in just Christian religion, but obvisiouly, in others. I find it irratating and annoying that many religious sects can forbid human rights, condoning abuses of women, children, and themselves in the name of God. I am fascinated that in the name of God or the Goddess they can treat someone with disrespect. There are many sects in the many religions some good, some bad, though in the Middle East they do culturally treat women as slaves, I am sure there are some who do not like this view point. Not too long ago in our own history, we were not allowed to vote, and we were in essence treated as slaves. We have our freedom now, thanks to many pioneering women in history who didn't want to be sufficated by the fierce fist that was jammed in their mouths.

Questions

1. What do you think of space? Do you think we should explore it, or stay here on Earth and tend to matters here? I think we should explore space, we can learn much from the other planets.

2. If you could travel anywhere off Earth, where would you go? Why? There are two places I would love to go, the Sun and Jupiter. I think it would be cool to see the sun first hand, of course, I’d have to have protective gear from the heat. Jupiter looks so beautiful from pictures I have seen, it would be awesome to see it in person.

3. Do you think we're doing enough to facilitate science? Why/why not? What would you do to change things? I cannot answer this question, honestly. I think science is important, we can learn to cure diseases, explore things, and there are so many aspects to it.

4. How much patience do you have when it comes to your health? How much is too much? What do you do to fix the situation? I don’t have much patience, I should, because I need to take care of myself. Lose the last 130 pounds and become active again, get my blood pressure under control and eat better.

5. What's the one thing you have zero patience for? Why? I have zero patience for inconsiderate and judgmental individuals. The reason why is, because we all have faults, differences, beliefs, and things that are wrong with us. I have no right to condemn, demoralize, ridicule, insult, inflict, violate, or hurt anyone’s feelings in these matters and I don’t like having it done to me. I avoid these types of people like the plaque. The funny thing is some of my family is like this and they do not realize it, they do it under the name of God.

6. What are the top 3 things in your life that are most important to you? 1) the individuals in my life who have stuck by me no matter what and have forgiven me and believe in me. 2) finding happiness for myself and discovering what I am all about 3) finding balance in my life through love, truth, and grace.

7. Do you take steps to facilitate the importance of those things? How so/how not so? I believe so, I value the people in life, I am there whenever they need me to encourage them, love me them, and listen, I also am loving me too. That helps in relationships as well. I am trying to find happiness, learning what it is I truly and engulfing myself in these things. I am finding balance by admitting that I am human, that I have to learn and accept that I am not perfect and things will not be perfect EVER, and that I can still do things in spite of the imperfections. I am not in denial about these things anymore. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes and making amends to myself and the people I’ve wronged.


8. Would you ever think about changing the way you do things (priorities) so that you can pay more attention to the things that matter the most? Yes, I would. That is the step I am at right now. I am taking in consideration that I am important, that I do not have to cater and take care of anyone but myself. I do not have to give away my money, possessions, or time to anyone. It is not being selfish to say no and it is not being a horrible person either. That is finding the balance in things. Life is about balance.

9. Do natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes, blizzards, tsunamis) worry you? Why/why not? No, things will happen, you can’t stop it, so why stop living.

10. Where you live, which natural disaster are you most prone to? Does it make you want to move somewhere else? Why/Why not? We get wind storms, fires, and earthquakes once in awhile.


11. Have you ever been affected by an Act of Nature? If so, do tell! Yes, we have had floods here in the North West on several occasions that affected me.


12 Are you really into music? Does it get you excited, or can you take it or leave it? Yes, I love music. There is so many different types of music and I enjoy most of them. It can make me feel good when I am blue or when I need to relieve some anger or anxiety it does, or even when I need to relax. I do not know how to play an instrument, but I do know some musicians and I have great respect for these individuals that can play notes and make their own music. Showing there passion in how they play, I enjoy it a lot.


13. .Do you look forward to new albums coming out? Are you one of those ppl that waits with bated breath, or do you just buy albums when you are walking by a kiosk or something like that? No, I am not like that. I lived with someone who was like that with Elvis, I hated it. I generally down load my music off the internet or I buy my CDS at a used CD store like Everyday Music. I down sized a lot with the music, though I do enjoy it a lot.


14. What kind of music did you listen to as a kid (0-18)?. What do you listen to now? I loved country, Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and I loved Rock N Roll Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Van Helen, Pat Benetar, Poison, and Whitesnake . I enjoy the same music, but I have added some new stuff to it. I can’t get enough of Mary J Blige’s song Enough Crying, it fit’s the mood I am in now. I also discovered Tori Amos and I love her music now too. Her words are so awe inspiring to me.



15. What are your favorite colors? Do you use them in your everyday life (clothing, decor, etc)? I love Pink, Red, and Black. I love most of the colors too, but these are my favorites. I have a red mirror that I bought at the good will last summer and I have it hanging in my living room. I have black in my home too and I have pink too. I wear pinks and reds a lot too.

16. What is your favorite type of food? How do you incorporate it into your life? I enjoy Italian and Greek food a lot, I love to incorporate different types of cuisine in my life. I enjoy cooking and making up recipes, though it is more fun to cook for someone else, but I am learning to enjoy my own cooking for just me. There is a great Greek restaurant in Portland that I have enjoyed going to, I haven’t been there for awhile, I am thinking of treating myself one day soon.

17. What are your favorite types of clothing? Why? I am casual, though I do like to wear dresses and skirts on occasions, especially doing the summer time.

18. Do you like to garden? Why/why not? If you do, what type of gardening do you do? Yes, I miss having a plot to call my own. I am blessed that I have my own deck and I have a container garden. I am growing basil, oregano, dill, thyme, rosemary, and chocolate pepper mint in pots. I also have Glads, Pansy’s, Sweet Alyssums, Begonia, Parsley, Fuscias, and another pot that I do not remember what is in it. They are flowers that resemble roses, but they aren’t. I enjoy my deck now, I have a nice chair and my wind chimes and bird feeders out there.


19. Do you have plants at home/at your office? Are you able to keep them alive? Yes, I have a lot of houseplants, and I am able to keep them alive. I love them, they create such a pleasant atmosphere to my home and they produce good oxygen too.

20. Are you the kind of person who needs live things around (plants, flowers, etc) or does it not matter to you? Why/why not? Yes, I love having my plants, I do not know how I lived so long without them before. I didn’t start growing house plants until after Rick passed away, maybe because I had to take care of him and I couldn’t fathom taking care of anything that need time and attention. I want to get a fish tank full of fish soon too.

Feminism and the Davinci Code

I read this interesting article on the Davinci Code and women. I found it interesting, because the movie brought up a lot of anger out of the Christians, mainly the Catholic Church. This article is intriguing and it gets you to think. Enjoy….

Land Of The Living

“Land Of The Living” written by Nicci French is a spell binding book. The heroine, Abigail is put through quite an ordeal. Losing her memory, not being believed that she was kidnapped and tortured, and made out to be some mad woman. It has intrigue, romance, mystery, and an ending that is truly inspiring of how strong a woman can be. I highly recommend this novel, I started it last night and I had a hard time putting it down to do anything else. Abigail literally tortured, slowly being choked to death by a crazy serial killer, who has killed many women before her. She escaped, in the hospital they didn’t believe her story. They thought she made it up to explain the bruises for the battery she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, whom she left 4 days before she was kidnapped. She didn’t realize she left her boyfriend, until she was released. The courage, strength, and determination to prove herself and the way she captured the psycho and saved another poor woman is grand. If you get a chance, I highly recommend you read this fantastic novel.

5 Things

If money, time and opportunity were no issue, what five things would you most like to do?

1. Go and stay a month in Italy
2. Go to a spa for a week and have all the treatments done, once a month.
3. Buy my dream home and have fun decorating it.
4. Buy myself a mustang
5. Buy myself a beach house and stay a month in the fall there.

The Davinci Code

I just finished a great book called “The Davinci Code” written by Dan Brown. Now it is time for the movie, I wanted to read the book before I watched the movie. I enjoyed this book so much, the art history, spiritual history, and the mystery is so captivating to me, why couldn’t it be true? Rick was a Catholic when he was in his younger years. He went to a Catholic private school, and they really are that strict and violent at times. They destroyed the great Alexandrian Library, after I heard that I lost respect for the high authority of the pope, bishops, and priests, they have to seek out and destroy anything that held any truth from the people. It reminds me of the Christian churches in America and everywhere. Why destroy knowledge that will help you find out the truth of what is out there? They did this with the Dead Sea Scrolls when a small boy found them in the 40’s in Quaram, they also left out important books of the bible that were written by women, I want to obtain and read the book of Mary.
I am not bashing Christians or Catholics, I am angry that people can bluntly, violently, violate someone’s freedom of choice in religion, politics, and themselves just so they can have total power, total control over their person hood, so that these people in power can feel like they have control of everything that a person says, does, and finances. Well they may have control of their things that they can see or hear, but they cannot control a persons thoughts or spiritual things around them. That is internal and can only be controlled by that one individual. Will they ever learn that?

Darkness and Light

Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
-Meister Eckhart

Dead Mans Chest.

I watched the new movie with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom “Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Mans Chest”. Man oh man, it is a great adventure packed movie, I liked it. I liked the first Pirates movie too. It is so awesome. Johnny Depp is so hot dressed as a pirate. I am glad that I went and saw this movie, I recommend it.

Happy Fourth Of July

Happy Independence Day!!!!!

Ilussions

I am sadden by the illusion that I have made for myself. The illusion of the life that I thought made me happy. The death of my soul, the death of my one time happy spirit. Why did I rip my heart out and leave it out on the platter for the carnivorous vampires to eat? I can see my beating heart laying there as they tiptoe around, circling my body, licking their lips, waiting for the right moment to pounce on it and start eating. I can see the blood dripping from their mouths when they looked up into my eyes. My eyes showing the pain and the confusion, slowly the life drained from my body. I suddenly cannot feel anything, no pain, no emotions, no feeling in my arms, legs, and my heart. Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I lay their willingly being their sacrifice? I lost control over my body, I gave it up willingly. AS I lay here defiantly, fighting the ultimate control over my spirit, I am suddenly alone. The black spirit, that stunk, cried, wailed, tortured, scorched every one who showed any real love towards me, causing them to run to close their hearts to my pitiful body laying in the pool of blood. I suddenly realize no one can save me, no one. I have to save myself, am I able to. The beautiful spirit that I possess is rising, above the clouds of doubt, self loathing, and pain that has overtaken my entire life. No more, there is hope after all. I am capable of loving and being loved. I am worthy of love, even if I have to give it to myself. Though I dream of a companion, someone to share my hopes, dreams, and life with, it, is easier to be alone and scare off the people who dare to come near me. That is what I have done, to the good prospects, I scare them off. I have to show my passion for my life, how else is someone going to see me, if I don’t open the closed doors to myself. I am expanding my possibilities and moving forward. I hope it is not too late in a few of my relationships, I hope that time and my change will make a great difference.

How Interesting

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 100% Dragon 83% Mermaid 75% Faerie 75% WereWolf 25% Demon 17% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Musings

I have had a busy mid week, I finally got a haircut after talking about getting one for a year. I love it, it is layered and is cut where it doesn’t show my thinning hair. I bought myself some treatment for my thinning problem, part of loving me. Amber’s boyfriend has never seen my hair down in the year that we’ve known each other. Seeing me with my hair down and Jackie, Ambers little sister cutting my hair in the kitchen was priceless. I looked beautiful that night when I went and saw Superman Returns, by the way it's a good movie, go see it. I went and bought the necessary hair care products for my hair, I hope this stuff works with the regrowth of hair. I am learning new and interesting things in my life about taking care of myself. I have known it is something that I must do, now I am feeling strong and capable enough to do it.
I went to Windy Ridge last night with Amber and Russell. I have not been up on that side of Mt. Saint Helens since they reopened Johnson’s Ridge when I was a teenager. I forgot how steep those stairs are, but I made it up. It was my first hiking excursion for the year. It felt great doing it. The drive was way long, but well worth it, at least I had great company.
I finally bought a nice chair for my deck outside, I already have the beautiful plants, bird feeder, and chimes, I just needed a place to sit and relax at night when the sun is down. It feels wonderful to get this done, so I can enjoy my work.
I am tired, something strange is happening to me inside, I cannot explain it.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns is an awesome movie. I went to the movie theatre for the first time in over a year to see it. It is a tear jerker. I recommend you go see it. I didn’t like the original Superman movies with Christopher Reeves, though Mr. Reeves is a great actor. I just am not into super hero’s. The only super hero that I loved was Wonder Woman. They should make a remake of that one. You know I'll be going seeing that one.

Climbing A Tree

I went to Riverside Park today, I climbed a tree with a 7, 34, 31, and 5 year old this evening. It felt great having my bare feet in the grass, climbing a tree, seeing a squirrel, and hanging out with friends. Here is a picture of Amber and I taken with Russ’ cell phone this evening.
It felt wonderful being out of the house, having a serious talk with Amber and Russ this evening, spending time with Duncan and Cullen, and shopping. I got dressed up in my pretty pink skirt and black shirt, can you imagine what a sight seeing a grown woman climb a tree in skirt? Actually it was two grown women and two small children, it was an amazing experience. It was nice connecting and being with a friend who likes me and wanted to spend time with me. I also have been talking more with Monte, though I do not understand him at times, I decided not to leave in delusion Ville any longer. I love him and he loves me, he says he does, and I have to believe him. Though now, after knowing someone he is in a relationship, which is strange, since not that long ago he was talking about another woman and how he wanted to be with her. Saturday night to be exact. LOL. I know he has said it to me, he wants companionship, and he is desperate for it. I want him to be happy, though I have a feeling this one is not going to last long at all. All I can do is just be there for him, like I’ve always been. I am tired and I need to check my email. Good night!!!

I Am So Pissed

Tonight someone broke into my car at my own apartments. I don’t know when it happened, I know it happened from last night after 10pm to today at 8pm when I went to my car. They tried to get my stereo out of my car, but were unlucky, thank God. It pisses me off that someone could do such a thing to me. I am lucky they didn’t rip it out and gotten away with it. Something stopped them from taking it completely out, I am lucky. I took the face plate off, so they do not have any reason to take it out now. I am so angry and grateful at the same time.

Mysteries

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
-Albert Einstein

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

-William A. Ward

I am

I am adventurous
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a good cook
I am spontaneous
I am loyal
I am capable
I am worthy
I am loved
I am special
I am cherished
I am realistic
I am passionate
I am graceful
I am funny
I am witty
I am faithful
I am kind
I am patient
I am a woman
I am a lady
I am sexy
I am generous
I am talented
I am great
I am pretty
I am blessed
I am deserving
I am secure
I am dignified
I am a warrior
I am strong
I am competent
I am ready
I am able
I am able to love me
I am able to love others
I am able to learn.
It is suddenly clear, the truth is laid out before me. The shroud of loathing is lifting its ugly head.

Loathe

I learned a new word today LOATHE, which means intense hatred and disgust. I feel this way towards me, I realized. It shows in my appearance, in my relationship with myself and with others, and in so many ways that it would take me a long time to list them all. I am reading a book that I bought for myself 4 years ago, I read it, I got some important information out of it, but the full concept of the book didn’t hit me until now. A couple of the chapters hit home. A moment of truth came over me, my heart started palpitating with this new insight, the words leaping hitting my minds eye, ingraining themselves into my brain. I screamed out “I LOATHE MYSELF!!” That is the problem, I am so disgusted with myself. So I asked myself this question “why do I loathe myself?” I came up with nine reasons rather quickly.

1) I give into others expectations, demands, ideals, views, opinions about my soul, happiness, possessions, future, past, present, and a lot of areas by.
A) people view me not as a lady/woman because of my appearance, manners, dress, and I have given them permission to do such a thing.
B) My appearance and expectations are high and so I give up without even trying, because I am not perfect or the ideal woman or lady.
C) by giving all my time, energy, finances, and spirit to benefit others and not myself.
D) Being nice and diplomatic when I want to feel like a bitch.

2) Because I do not stand up for myself, so I feel I don’t have integrity, dignity, and a soul.

3) Not being perfect in social situations. In my appearance, manner of speech, writing, eating, dressing, and so on.

4) I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts, being negative about others in my personal and outside life, and not trusting myself or others.

5) Feeling like a leach, user not only in finances, but draining of others energy and time.

6) Not being able to manage myself. Being told that I am incapable of such a feat by some people in my life and that I should relinquish control to them.

7) That I have a lot of flaws, including, weight, hair, dress, and so on.

8) Caring too much what others think or feel about me or other areas of my life. Their experiences are not mine, they should be valued, but not dissuade me from going down my path.

9) Lying to myself and others about all sorts of things.

I have read that W.B. Yeats described loathing oneself as such: “Self loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. You don’t feel or see the life force fleeing until it’s no longer there, and then, of course it’s too late.” Is it too late for me? I am not dead yet and I must be on some road to recovery, if I am able to comprehend and process this now. I also liked what Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote about self loathing too. She said : “If I were to assign a color to self loathing, it would be the bluish black and purple of an ugly bruise. This is what self loathing is, an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives or on our bodies; a warning that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within.”
I have to accept that I am not going to meet anyone’s expectations, and therefore, shouldn’t expect anything from anyone else. I have to take time and love who I am, as well, as accept my flaws. No one is perfect and the illusion that I will become perfect is faulty. If I can accept with grace and truth that Monte, Amber, Vickie, Joy, Maurine, Carri, and whomever else I am in relationship with flaws, then why can’t I accept my own. That is my quest, I am making a conscious choice to accept all of me, flaws and all.

Choices

What in the world am I going to do? Why am I keeping myself in this box that I made for myself? Why do I create chaos for myself? These are thoughts that are ravishing my brain this morning. I am contemplating and searching for the answers to these questions. These questions came to me last night, when in a moment of weakness I went back to my old ways, my self destructive ways, ways that do not serve me, but hinder me and the people I love.

So I am making a CHOICE, I am stopping this before it gets any further, before I permanently destroy myself. I have to make a CHOICE, to kick down the walls that are holding me in and move on. This is going to be an obstacle for me, but if I am conscious and think before I take action, the outcome will be better. I am choosing to live. Sarah Ban Breathnach says in her book “Something More” : “You may not realize it, but your life at this exact moment-it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or who’s getting ready to jerk your chain-is a direct result of CHOICES you made once upon a time. Thirty minutes or thirty years ago.”

This hit a sore spot for me, big time. I hate making decisions, I absolutely hate it. By me not making decisions is a CHOICE and that CHOICE lead me down this road that I am on now. I have given up my authority by CHOICE, because the fear of being wrong, thought of as stupid, or because I did not want to hurt someone, I made the CHOICE to relinquish control to someone else to decide what I wanted, needed, desired to live, or believed. I made the CHOICE to sit here disgusted, in pain, hurt, angry, frustrated, and like a doll, letting my every move be made for me. Consequently, I have wallowed and played the blame game, blaming everyone else for the problems that I have, the abuse they inflicted on me, the callused way they’ve treated me, and most importantly taking my freedom away. I also played into them thinking that I am scum, incapable, and not able to be. I made the Choice to live with Rick and stay for the eleven years, I made the Choice to stay stagnant and not do what I must to be the real me, that I dreamed of becoming. Instead I lived in a fantasy world of possibilities, never once taking a step forward. I got scared of the success of the hard work, dedication, time, and effort it would take to accomplish what I wanted. It was easier.

I do not like where I am right now, so I am making a conscious Choice to take the steps and be who I want to be, the person I know I am. My worse fears are coming true, I am becoming like my mother, living in a state of denial, grasping for air in my lungs. I have to step out of this perpetual hell that I made for myself and find my integrity, dignity, self worth, and love for myself. If I don’t I will surely become a bitter old hag. I cannot be in denial any longer and it is so easy to be that way. I am making the CHOICE to ask the universe to guide me, heal me, and show me the lighted path that is my destiny and not one that is not my own.

Coming Out Of The Cocoon

It is wonderful, how soothing a hot bath can be to your soul. I am rediscovering that tool again, I lost it for so long. When I lived in my old house in Longview, Rick had to have a handicap shower stall and I lost my bathtub. I missed it. That house, boy, I can write a whole book on how much work that house needed. The house wasn’t the only thing that needed fixing, I did. I lost sight of who I was, it has been two years and 5 months since Ricks’ passing and I am still struggling with self care, and knowing how to become who I truly am. I have undermined myself in numerous ways, with my negative self talk, insecurities and I almost completely ruined a good relationship with a new found friend, who can’t understand why I don’t love me, since in his words “I have a good heart, and I am a good person.” We are rebuilding our relationship, I have been acting like a crazy lunatic and harassing him. I know why, it is complicated, it is something I have to actually take the time to heal before I lose everything. My core is broken, now I have to pick up the pieces that are shattered and piece them back together. It is not going to be easy, these steps, these lessons that I am learning, are helping me grow into a woman, the woman that I want to be. In the process of caring and loving someone else, I forgot to love me. I lost my mind, body, and soul to giving care to someone else. I am not in denial of the life that I have had, it makes me who I am. All the broken, battered pieces laying all around me, ready for me to discover them, pick them up, seal them with the gold and silver of the love that I have for me. It is a long road to recovery from that kind of life, a life of self destructiveness, self hate, and battery to myself and to the people who love me. It is so easy for me to give up and to just strangle someone else with my need to take care of them and with my own misery. I keep asking for patience, and then I keep wallowing in the pain. I am tired of wallowing in the pain, that is what I have been doing, I’ve been doing it for so long, it is hard to break out of the comfort zone. Everyone has given up on me, my sisters Vickie, Joy, my mom, Monte, Amber, Christina, Karen, Linda, and of course the most important person in all of this, ME. The cocoon is finally coming off, miraculously, I feel like the butterfly, I have for a long time, nestled in the cocoon, growing, changing, finding the colors that make her who she is, and then finally busting out of the cocoon. Beautiful, graceful, lovely, and herself, and not afraid to show others what she is all about. When you give up on the butterfly in the cocoon, she finally emerges out, flying happily away. Happy to be out of the dark place she was at, being herself, she doesn’t know where she is going, but she is going to wherever she is destined to be. That is the state of mind I am in right now. I am a student and I am ready to be taught to listen to my own voice.

Words To Ponder

I find that it is not the circumstances in which we are placed, but the spirit in which we face them, that constitutes our comfort.
-Elizabeth T. King


Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Editing.

I know the importance of editing, there is meaning in that word. Editing is usually associated with writing and writers, but if you think about it we edit our lives. We put into balance the words on the paper, with the correct grammar, punctuation, and structure of sentences. Isn’t that what we do with our lives, putting into balance mind, body, and spirit.
I have been doing a lot of editing in my life, last night talking with a friend I discovered I need to do some more. I am not sure where yet, but I am sure I will figure it out. The answers always come, that is something I have discovered.

Miss Congeniality

I finally watched the movie “Miss Congeniality” starring Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Pratt this morning. I like this movie a lot. I love Sandra Bullock as an actress, I loved her in “Speed” with Kneau Reeves, I have a fond memory of watching that movie with Amber and Summer at the drive in when it first came out. She has been in some awesome movies, I should put her on a list of actress’ that I want to see all their movies. The story line is cool, it is about this woman who does not know how to be a lady. I am a lot like her, I have never cared about the hair, clothes, makeup, waxing, plucking, shoes, or anything of that short. I have come to some reality here in the last few years about my appearance and taking care of myself. It is away of showing you care about you, you don’t have to look like a super model, go all out getting plastic surgery or anything so ghastly, but you have to nurture you. I have recently decided to care about my appearance out in pubic, home is another matter. I watched “In Her Shoes” that made me have appreciation for shoes now and clothes. I think I am changing, better watch out.

The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare

I just finished reading “The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare” written by Lilian Jackson Braun. I picked this book up at a thrift store a few years ago, but haven’t read it until last night. It didn’t take me long to finish. It's an easy read and easy to follow. The story line is intriguing, but the writing is simple and is well suited for young adult. There are several in a serious, according to the website, all written about cats who help their owners solve mysteries. This story is about two Siamese cats named Koko and Yum Yum, who help their owner solve a murder mystery in a small Minnesota town. The story makes you wonder about how much animals can communicate to their owners. It's not a spin tingling mystery, but it makes you laugh, and it makes you wonder how did those cat know that. I might not read all 30 books in her series, but I did enjoy this one.

Hope

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
-George Iles

Ann Lander Quotes

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
--Ann Landers

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength.
However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go -- and then do it.
--Ann Landers

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

I was listening to the my CDS this morning and this song popped out at me. Trisha Yearwood has a great voice and I like her song choices.
Here are the lyrics:
If I would have known the way that this would end. If I would have read the last page first. If I would have had the strength to walk away. If I would have known how this would hurt. I would’ve loved you anyway. I’d do it all the same. Not a second I would change. Not a touch that I would trade. Had I known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway. It’s bittersweet to look back now. At memories withered on the vine just to hold you close to me. For a moment in time and even if I’d seen it coming, You’d still would have seen me running straight into your arms.

Quote Of The Day

The power of the word is real whether or not you are conscious of it. Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Behind every word flows energy.
-Sonia Choquette

Quotes To Ponder

Money is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.
P.T. Barnum


I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.
–Pablo Casals

"No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves." -- Dwight Eisenhower

"It seems to me that it's actually harder to invent excuses than it is to be successful." -- Jeffrey Gitomer

Expect to lose sometimes, but a loss can be a stepping stone to victory if it's utilized in the right way.

Jake Gaither (1903-1994)
College football coach

Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish.

Ovid (c. 43 B.C.-c. A.D. 17)
Poet

Safety First

I found this article about buying enviroment safe products. I found it interesting and informative, especially a new law they want to pass that business' have to prove their product is safe before it goes on the market. That makes sense to me, why didn't they do that in the first place? I didn't know that business' didn't have to prove their product was safe before we purchased it. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Thinking For Myself

"No doubt another may also think for me; but it is not therefore desirable that he should do so to the exclusion of my thinking for myself." --Henry David Thoreau

I got this quote in an email this evening, it got me to thinking. Thinking for myself, can I do that? Is that possible? I want to think for myself,. Recently, I have been analyzing how I have given my authority away. I have given it away for so long, that I thought I lost it. Many of the people in my life have done it, maybe without realizing that they have. Letting others think for themselves is a challenge, when you have a family of strong women and men in your life, who have major opinions on a lot of subjects that do not mesh, it is a struggle. Mainly, lately, I have been concentrating solely on one thing in my life, whether or not a certain person is a friend or what he is. That is stupid, it is causing me problems, Whether or not he is a friend, I do not need to dwell on it anymore. I cannot waste my brain cells on this issue anymore. I have more important things to think about. I have been given a gift , a second chance with my future, my life. I screwed it up last time, and I do not plan on doing it again. I have to make plans, I have to follow through with my plans, and I have to think about what it is I truly want, and not what others think I should want, do, believe, go for, or accomplish. This is my gift, this is something that I worked for, this is something that deserve. I am valuable, I am pretty, I am smart, I am intelligent, I have grace, I have talent, I have beauty, I have spirit, I have passion, and I most definitely have ambition. All these things were taken from me from an early age, and I am reclaiming them, these are my gifts, these are my talismans. I have to respect myself and I hope that others will follow in this pursuit, and respect me also. The road that I am on now, is clearer, the debris is not so thick, it isn’t causing me to shutter with every whack that I make. I am feeling more confident, at peace with what I must do, and I am on my way to making the plans, the steps, and the accomplishments that I must make for myself. I have experienced a heartache, I have experienced the anger, now I must use the anger, that heartache and make the recovery to the Jamie that will bust out of the cocoon that was made for her and fly away. My wings are growing faster daily, soon I will be off with my map, compass, and machete, and mark my course more deliberately. I know I have many people in my life who are cheering me on, and I hope that they know I am cheering them on with their journey’s. WE are all a family. I love them all.

Andy Rooney On The Iraq War

Andy Rooney spoke on the Iraqi war, he said we are spending 5.6 million dollars a month on this unnecessary war. He compared our spending on military to other countries spending. He also stated that we have enough nuclear weapons to kill the human race. This got me to thinking, how dare we go into other countries and demand they give up their nuclear weapons, when we in fact have so many that can destroy the whole world.

Happy Father's Day!!!

My father, today is father’s day. This is the first father’s day without my dad. He has been gone for nine months now. I miss him a lot. I dream about him, he comes to me in my dream, kisses my cheek. He did that on the day of my birthday on May 21st, his was the 22nd, we usually celebrated together, this year was different. He came to me in my dream, kissed my cheek and wished me happy birthday. It was a sweet dream. Cherish your father, for they are precious. They are wonderful men who have love us, protects us, and teach us what we know. Dad, I miss you, I love you, and I hope you are pain free and at peace. You are missed by all your beautiful and wonderful children.

The First Step

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
—Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.E.)

My first semester in college, my professor Mrs. Hutchinson had this quote written on the marker board. I had not been in school in ten years, I was a nervous wreck. After Ricks passing, I could not finish my college career, too much to do after someone you’ve been with for eleven years passes away, sorting of books, Elvis collectables, estate issues, and massive amounts of clutter that possessed our five bedroom house. Three years later, I am not in grief over his passing. I have evolved, because ours was an unhappy union. I made a promise, I kept it, and though it almost destroyed me, I am healing from it. Now, as I am taking the first few steps into my journey. My path is being shown to me, the stones I walk on illuminating my path, and I’m hatching away with my machete the debris of my past life, and choices I have made. I have a chance at something different and I have many choices laid out before me. This is the third year of this process, the day I gained my independence and the chains around the lips of my inner voice came off and I have a voice. I have to make some decisions in the next few weeks. I must prepare myself for my future and think of myself. I have to discover what it is I want, truly want, and hear that woman’s voice inside of my soul. The voice that is dying to get out and express herself freely. This is a new concept for me. I am nervous, scared, and also excited. These emotions welding up inside of me, as I am venturing out, making decisions, deciding what my steps should be in this life. I have some issues that I am not sure how to deal with yet, but I cannot let them detour me any longer. I cannot waste my time on these thoughts anymore. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. I have no control over it at all. I have to trust in my instincts, in my intuition, and my path that is laid out before.

Explorations Of My Heart

I want to see the Redwood trees in California, I want to see Tuscany in Italy, explore the countryside, see the villa’s, see the old olive trees, stomp on grapes and make wine, feel the culture that is there. I want to spend a month at the beach, walking the coast line, hearing the surf, I hear it calling me. I can feel the gritty sand on my feet, I can taste the salt on my lips, I can smell the sea, and I can feel the wind upon my face. I have not gone to the ocean in a long time, I have been cooped up in the drudgery of the dark, I am ready for the light, I am ready for all my senses to explore the places that I want to go. I am not content in the life that I have right now. I need the requiem of the ocean, the balance that I always feel when I am in it’s presence. The balance of the sky upon the water, the sand, the seagulls, the waves, and the noises of the surf brings me peace to my soul. I need it’s peace and the quiet. I usually go to the beach with family or friends, I want to go by myself. I want to center myself, and listen to my voice. I don’t want the negative voice that keeps talking, but the one that is positive and can see things clearly, and without bitterness.

Quote Of The Day

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

-Anais Nin

Contemplative Dreams

I must be feeling rage or something, my dreams are reflecting this. Several of my dreams, one where this group of ten fine looking men purchased machine guns, staked out a church in a secluded area, and made a plan for a Sunday when the congregation is full of people. I even saw the shoot out complete with the blood, bullets, machine gun sounds, and the people falling, dead. One woman got out in my dream, I heard her thinking and talking in my head, as she made her way down the gravel road, she used her cell phone to call for the police. I saw their sirens wailing as they made it up to the church, I saw the woman who got away, who was shot in the side, get the medical help she desperately needed. Then I saw the ten men get captured, I saw their eyes full of rage and complete hate, and then I saw the spirits of the dead men, women, and children confront them and help the police to capture them. One of the gun slingers was not going to go so willingly, he got his gun, still full of bullets, and he started shooting, until this one woman, grabbed it out of his hand and started kicking his butt, not for the death of her, but causing the death of her family and friends.

My next dream is not so violent, I think I got my rage out in the first one. The second one, I was cleaning a bathroom, I’m not sure if it was mine or of someone I know. All of sudden the back of the toilet, where the water comes in for you to flush the toilet, the water pipe broke off and started spraying water everywhere, I was desperately trying to fix it, make the water go back into the toilet, but it had a mind of its own. I finally got it tamed and put back in the tank, when Mr. Man, my friend Montes’ cat came into the bathroom, and showed me some love, tenderness like he always does when he sees me, rubbing himself around my legs, until I picked him up and we started greeting each other. Then I heard this voice, it sounded familiar, it was Monte’s voice, saying “What the fuck?”. Then I woke up.

Life Will Throw Dirt At You

I got this in an email this morning, it hit home. I get forwards from people all the time, I use to feel obligated to send them off to the next person. I got sick of doing it, plus I was being annoying to some people. Every once in awhile I get a cool one like this, I don't mind sharing. I find this one insightful and how it is. It is like the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

And The moral is
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Holocaust and The Red Cross

The holocaust is one of the subjects that has been in my mind since I was a little girl, when I saw the movie Anne Frank starring Millie Perkins. It amazed me that someone could be so filled with hate for another culture. It still upsets me that hate is so abundant in the world. That said, this article in the LA Times says that the Red Cross is going to make the records public, isn't it about time? What took them so long to come to that decision? The families of the people who were tortured and or slaughtered should have answers that they have been seeking for close to 60 years now. I mean enslavenment is wrong in any sense, but the families should know what happened to their mothers, fathers, sisters, cousins, friends, or brothers, shouldn't they?

Music Of The Soul

I am listening to a CD of some of my favorite songs, right now what is playing are the Supremes singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. I just finished a few Aretha Franklin songs “Respect”, “Chain Of Fools”, and of course the classic “Natural Woman”. Earlier, it was country, blues, rock n roll, and heavy metal. I have a wide range of musical tastes, always have. I give anything a chance and I have an open mind to the different possibilities of musical expression. The words and the way the music is played with the different notes and how those combination of notes can change to make a different sound. Songs can express anger like Lucinda Williams song “Drunken Angel”, or it can express sadness like Heartwells “Letters In Lipstick”. It can express goodbyes, hellos, I love you, I adore you, you pissed me off, or any of the different emotions you are feeling at the time. Old, new, and semi old music can express and touch your heart. From Beethoven, Frank Sinatra, Slayer, Heart, Tori Amos, Smashing Pumpkins, Vivaldi, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Martina McBride, Norah Jones, and Jewell. Each artist has their own perspective and way of expressing themselves in their writing. Earlier today I listened to Led Zepplin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crow, Dolly Parton, Madonna, and Shania Twain. Music is a part of my life, as are movies, books, and plants.

Talent

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.

-Erica Jong

Quotes By Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou, she is a wise woman.

The needs of society determine its ethics.
--Maya Angelou

It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself
which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable
--Maya Angelou

There's a world of difference between truth and facts.
Facts can obscure truth.
--Maya Angelou American poet, writer, and actress

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
--Maya Angelou

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
--Maya Angelou

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told,
'I am with you kid Let's go!'
--Maya Angelou

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
--Maya Angelou

Quotes By Emily Dickinson

I love Emily Dickinson and Virginia Wolf. I ALWAYS HAVE, THEY WROTE DEEPLY AND PASSIONATELY FOR THEIR TIME. Here are some that I have accumulated over the years. They are my favorites by Emily Dickinson.

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
--Emily Dickinson

Affection is like bread, unnoticed till we starve,
and then we dream of it, and sing of it, and paint it,
when every urchin in the street has more than he can eat.
--Emily Dickinson

Saying nothing... sometimes says the most.
--Emily Dickinson

A word is dead when it is said, some say.
I say it just begins to live that day
--Emily Dickinson

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of
Him as somewhat of a recluse.
--Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

The mere sense of living is joy enough.
--Emily Dickinson

My friends are my estate.
--Emily Dickinson

Me

My Political View

I have chosen to stay out of the political arena, mainly because it is a farce and it is powered by men who do not know the value of human life. They profess to care about the public, but from what I have seen, they do not. All they care about is what is best for themselves, not for the masses. It is ironic that they want to make sure all the countries do not have nuclear weapons, but who, we ourselves have them. If we cared about such things, why don’t we make the first stand and get rid of ours? We are not a peace loving nation, we are a war ravage nation, that loves drama, and wants to have absolute control of everything around us. I am sure there are some politicians who are sincerely trying to fight against the bull that is running our government. It is not Bush who is running our government, it is the people who are backing him up. I have not read enough to know who these people are, or what their motive is, but I know they are there. Bush has displayed his utter stupidity in his speeches, interviews, and the way he stands there like a little boy with his hands in his pocket, not knowing what is really going on. I bet he is a good man, he loves his wife Laura and their children. I see that, I do have respect for him, though I do not share the same opinions or views.
I am also deeply perplexed by these people who think global warming is not happening. My brother Rob is in agreement with this idea, he says it is a farce and it is not happening. I felt like saying to him and to the mass others who share this view, are you blind? I have noticed some things that are happening in my area and around me. The weather change, the way the rivers are getting higher, and countless other things that are happening. A few weekends ago, Amber and I went to Willow Grove beach to have a bon fire with some friends. We noticed that the pier has gotten higher and are covering a lot of things on the Columbia River. The water level is much higher than it had been, a few months ago when I went with my sister Carri. You cannot tell me that pollution is not real, global warming is not happening, and that it is a big lie. It reminds me of when people that the world was flat and the few who said it was round were laughed at. It is the same thing, but in a different arena. I want to see Al Gore’s movie about global warming. I saw him interviewed on Jay Leno a few nights ago, I rarely watch Jay Leno, I do not like him, but hearing Al Gore talking about something that interest me, stopped me in my tracks.

Women

I usually keep my political views to myself, I do not like arguing with individuals whose views I do not share. What is the point, you just end up pissing each other off, what does it solve. I chose to let each person have their own views on things, but when it is interfering with someone’s rights as a human being, that is crossing the line. I know that in America, women have a lot more freedom then those in Arabia, and other countries alike. These fundamentalists that prohibit someone’s rights to their own views, beliefs, choices, and opinions, cross the line in ever aspect of the Jesus, or God they profess to worship. I am offended as a woman that men blame women for their raging hormones, the reason they can’t keep it in their pants, the reason that they desire a woman, first off, it is their brain that is causing those desires, not the woman. All she could be doing is licking an ice cream cone, in a pair of jogging pants and a baggy t-shirt and some man would find that alluring and want to pounce on her. I am offended that we are portrayed as dumb women, who should not have a voice, who should not work, whose sole purpose is to take care of their husbands every whim to the determent of their health. I know this first hand, I’ve lived it. I am even more offended that women who have chosen to live without a man, to not put up with the garbage that is thrown at them, are called old hags, or a ball busting bitch. It is offensive to me. I am also not saying that all men have these same views, but a lot do. What baffles me even further is the way women are in denial about how much control they have given away of their own mind, body, and soul to the media, men, organizations, and illusions of what is reality. Everyday I see this, from the many women that I have in my life. I am lucky enough to have a few women who are not taking the world view of what a real woman is and killing themselves to being what everyone else is. I can name a few women who have demonstrated these qualities. I am also glad we have the internet and that there are brave women who sharing their voice. That said, I read this article on Irani Women and it horrified me. It is not as far off to what my own teenage years were like, the only difference is we didn’t have to wear a cover over our heads.
http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=2780

The Unknown Answer

The dream goddess came into my dreams last night and comforted me, showed me what I must do in my relationship with Monte and with myself. She told me I needed to listen to that wise voice inside of me. That I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I can accomplish what I need to. The voice has told me for a long time now, to stop calling Monte and see if he is really interested in a friendship with me or if it is bullshit. That is the answer I am seeking.

Butterflies and Tigers, Oh My

I am reading about animal totems and finding your own. In this book “The complete book of women’s wisdom” by Cassandra Eason, the way to do it is in your dreams. An animal that you dream about. I have two that I dream about, Tigers and Butterflies.
Eason writes on Butterflies “The butterfly is often associated with the sixteenth-century mystic St Teresa of Avila, who likened the process of dying to a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Because of its transience, the butterfly is also a symbol of living in the present, a reminder to enjoy each day for what it is without always worrying about a past that cannot be changed or a future as yet unmade.”
Then she says about tigers “Representing strongly animus power, the tiger is the totem of a number of women I have interviewed who function in highly competitive or chauvinistic work places. The tiger is the king of beasts in mythology.” What a combination.
I took a nice, long, hot bath and meditated for awhile. I have not meditated in a long time. I needed to release some negative energy that is around me. I must do this daily for my own sanity, I realized. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I did something last night that I read in the Eason book. Except that I adapted it to my own liking. Instead of drawing pictures of a monster with all my negative energy and then drawing things to counteract them, I cut out pictures. I cannot draw at all. Instead, I just did the positive, I just cut out positive words that reflected me. It was fun, I had not done that since I was a little kid. It is fun getting back to my roots. Several authors have suggested making collages as a way to meditate and find your core person, to discover you inner compass. It is about time I learned what my voice is telling me, follow my instincts, and my creativity. I have to value my own opinions and listen to the inner voice that is speaking. I can hear her calling me………

Ramblings

On a cloudy, thunderous day, I talked to a couple of good friends, which I have not done in a long while. Monte believes that I can move past these things that are holding me down, I just need to get moving. Getting moving is the hardest part for me, getting started in any project. The other day Amber and I were talking about this same subject, concerning housekeeping. We both hate it, but once we get started we cannot stop. It is the getting started that is the problem.
I am proposing that I have not gotten started on my quest to use my compass, the deep impact of my soul to guide me. I hear it speaking to me when I am sleeping, telling me what I need to do, to accomplish, but I do nothing. Instead I give in to my whims and make those phone calls or do those things that I know I should not.
I must sit down and write out ten things I want to accomplish by September, but I have not gotten started. I procrastinated again, finding solace in a warm better, sleeping, dreaming, and not accomplishing anything. I needed to rest, my face has been hurting for awhile and I am feeling exhausted, though some of the exhaustion is lifting. I am tired of telling people that I want to change, but then I sit there still in the same spot crying oh woe is me. I am tired of hearing myself whining about the same thing. I want to move past my past and step forward into the future I know I can have. I have to start listening to my inner voice and actually follow through on something. Maybe if I break it down into baby steps, I’ll be able to accomplish what I need to do this year in discovering who I am and what I am all about.

Choices That Are Hard To Make

I got some good advice from a friend this morning, I do not follow through with the plans that I want to make. Actually, my first step would be to actually sit down and make a list of goals and the actions I need to take to accomplish them. I have not done that yet. I do not need a life coach for that purpose. I have been good at inspiring others, so why can’t I inspire myself. I have so much and it is so overwhelming. I guess I should write down ten things to accomplish for the next 4 months and then work from there. Maybe if I break it down into smaller steps, I will be able to actually do something. I am so focused on losing Monte friendship, that I have lost focus of me and what I need to accomplish. I am sitting here waiting for him to notice me, what kind of life is that. Waiting by the phone, waiting for him to notice me, miss me, want me, and love me. I cannot live like that, I do not want to live like that. He does not want me to be that way either. I am driving him and myself crazy with this. I know he likes me, he does not want to lose our friendship. I believe him when he says it, I’ve looked in his eyes. I think tonight, I am going to sit down, write out ten things I want to accomplish by September and then go on from there. Then I want to start making lists of things I want to do every day, to keep myself busy and my mind off of everything. I know that I am driving myself crazy sitting here in this apartment and not living my life. I need to take the bull by the balls and rip them off and start living.

Numerology Report

I tried a free numerology report on the web, it looked interesting to me. Astrology, stars, tarot, and horoscopes. My friend Karen believes in this stuff and has her charts done.Your Inner or Soul's Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction.Number: 6You desire responsibility, steadfast love, a harmonious home, domesticity, and maintaining long-standing family traditions. The perfect environment for you has ease, comfort, beauty, music, and harmony.You empathize with those who, through no fault of their own, are suffering. You are sympathetic to the needs of humanity. If you knew how, you would correct all injustice as a cosmic parent or guardian would. You have a good sense of loyalty and are a natural counselor.You are artistic, kind, understanding, inclined toward conventionality but broad-minded. When your emotions aren't too involved, you are a fine judge of character.Your life can be richer if you cultivate firmness and assertiveness to better balance your emotions and sense of justice, and realize that others have their own valid points of view.Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you.Number: 5You are seen as curious, sensual, witty, carefree, capricious, and restless. Monotony does not survive around you. You are adept with words and can entertain new ideas with relish, making you an enjoyable person to be around.You tend to be fashion conscious.You may go to extremes in outerwear (and underwear), just to be daring and watch people's reactions or to be in the limelight. Realize your personality can be stylishly expressed, without overdoing it, and still fit the occasion.Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, "shoulds", and "shouldn'ts" -- this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams..Number: 5You travel to all countries of the world and experience the cultures they have to offer. You are fluent in all native languages and thrill with understanding many and varied points of view. Ties and responsibilities are not present. You live for adventure and constant new experience.Your thoughts and pleasure are not predictable, even to yourself, but always relate to learning or experiencing new things.Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days.Number: 11Your destiny is to serve the human race. You see where the spirituality of the world can be improved and work tirelessly to bring it about.You are intuitive, psychic, visionary, and inspired, with an innate desire for harmony and impersonal perspective; all of which allow you to serve most ably as a diplomat, reconciliator, counselor, and mediator. You enjoy exploring, inventing, writing, lecturing, and working with minute details; and you feel rewarded for your efforts whenever you receive tender acknowledgment from those who feel close to you. With your instinctive response to rhythm, you can contribute much with music.You are refined, spiritual, inspired, and have a vibrant personality.Your Life's Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path.Number: 11You are drawn to movements or organizations with idealistic aims. You have a tendency to become caught up in fanatical cults or other fringe movements. Your path includes diplomacy in its various aspects -- smoothing the affairs of others with discretion, tact, intuition, cooperation, patience, persistence, persuasion, and loyalty to those you serve; being the peacemaker, cultivating friendships, and helping others reach their goals. Your path is easier when you express kindness and gentleness and are considerate of others' feelings.Your path includes developing your talents of invention, seeking the discovery of new principles, and elevating everything to the plane of inspiration. If you decide to investigate the psychic, healing, and metaphysical fields, you will be able to put them to their highest use. Trust your intuitions. Inspire by your own example. You can effect more change through persuasion than by force.Your opportunities are along spiritual lines or in the realms of invention, metaphysics, politics, or acting. You are liable to achieve great public attention and influence if you do not seek them from ulterior motives. You do well helping others reach their goals.This Year's Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year -- your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year.Number: 7This is your year for personal reflection and perfection, a year of introspection. You feel like analyzing everything you have been and are doing. You think about beauty, love, perfection, and what life is all about.You spend a good deal of time alone, getting acquainted with yourself and your new inner power. This year you gain a better understanding of your emotions and your spiritual nature. Take time out to rest, study, read, and travel, and to look at life from a different angle. Find outlets for personal creative expression.If you have psychic, spiritual, new age, or mystic interests, this is the year to pursue those studies.Quality is your standard.Next Year's Path.Number: 8This is your year of achievement, your year to make great strides in business, employment, promotions, monetary compensation, and/or the accumulation of possessions. It is your harvest time.You feel ambition stirring, a desire to better your financial condition. To accomplish this, it is necessary to be businesslike, efficient, and practical all year.Many opportunities present themselves. To gain your rewards, move forward in a businesslike manner and with sustained effort. Your state of mind, mental capacity, education, experience, and self-confidence are all part of your success and financial advancement.You feel desire to make a special effort to improve or bring to a successful conclusion some of the ideas and dreams of the past years.This is a year of action. Place your abilities on the market with a sense of self-confidence and authority.Last Year's Path.Number: 6This is a year of service for you, a duty year. You feel you're assuming new responsibilities. People make more demands of you this year. You are needed in many directions.Warmth and good will toward others, along with love and harmony, will make everything worthwhile. Justice, fair play, and honesty are important. It is a year for unselfish service.Take care of your health because without it you cannot help others. Find time for rest and relaxation. This is a year to be thorough and conscientious about everything that you do.It is a year of fine and friendly influence for marriage, tranquil home conditions, and traditional family activities. You may feel a strong desire to get settled.

Phenomenal Woman

I heard this poem being read by Maya Angelou awhile back and I saw it in a book that I am reading and I love it so much. I wanted to share.


Phenomenal Woman
By Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size, but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies. I say, it’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride in my step, the curl of my lips. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. I walk into a room just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can’t touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can’t see. I say, it’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Now you understand just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it ought to make you proud. I say, it’s in the click of my heels, the bend in my hair, the palm of my hand, the need for my care. ‘Cause I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.