Life Makeovers

With all of the life altering transitions that I have been experiencing for the last two years of my life, since February 18th, 2004, I have decided to go on a new beginning, a different start. This decision, after many, many months of staling, fighting, and begrudging myself and others in my life, this new insight came to me. I have gone on many different starts, I have always gone back to the prison that I have made of my own negative thoughts, being afraid of the unknown, being crippled by the past, and extending energy to everyone else’s care. I am a natural born caretaker, I take on everything for everyone, I’m always there, no matter what. In fact, when my sister Carri came to visit me unrepentantly yesterday and I didn’t answer the phone, like everyone expects from me, she was concerned. I made a conscious decision to unplug my phone and not be a phone whore anymore, to spend time alone, in my own thoughts, thinking about myself, what I have to do to make my own life better and not sitting there frustrated by the lack of what I am perceiving is nothing. With that said, I decided to go on a different new path, something that I have never done before. I am working several thoughts, making them each my own, on a quest of discovery of me.
So I made a list of 25 accomplishments, recommended by Cheryl Richardson, who wrote “Life Makeovers.”

1) Walking the Clackamas mall with Amber and her clan without losing my breath and keeping up and not lagging behind.
2) Learning boundaries for myself and with my other relationships.
3) Eating healthier and not using food as a comfort.
4) Losing 25 pounds
5) Growing Italian Parsley, and my other plants.
6) Learning to listen to my intuition and voice inside, instead of ignoring them.
7) Recognizing what my strengths are
8) Coming out of the darkness and into the REAL world, and discovering that I have the key to my doors.
9) Knowing my own style
10) Being a good friend to Amber, Monte, Christina, and listening and being there for them.
11) Taking care of my health.
12) Learning to open up about my problems with my family and friends.
13) Realizing my own place in the web of life. That I’m the only person with the power to control my life.
14) Developing my writing skills with my blogs.
15) Finding out and realizing what I truly believe in.
16. Learning to make goals and plans for my life.
17. Learning to read bills and understanding what they are actually saying.
18) Being brave and gaining courage to telling people what I think.
19) Expanding my tastes in music
20) Developing my skills in many areas of my life
21) Filled out an application for a job at the library.
22) Starting a new journey in myself.
23) Getting a library card, something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but procrastinated.

Nourishing Ones Self!

"The body must be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually. We're spiritually starved in this culture -- not underfed but undernourished." --Carol Hornig

Peaceful Picture

I took this picture at the Grand Canyon over a year ago. I found it while looking through my pictures today. I find this picture peaceful and beautiful. It is helpful for a soul that is crying out for some comfort. I love the way the tree is sticking out over the edge and you can see the pretty colors in the distance of the canyon. It brings back happy memories.

My Tarot Card

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Good News

I am so excited. I am now under 300 pounds. I have lost 15 pounds since November 14th. I am so happy. I went to the hospital last night, I had extremely high blood pressure, 218/112, that is stroke level. I was not feeling good all day, I also have a bladder infection, one that has been happening for a long time now. All these things could be playing havoc on my emotional well being. I am hoping the new medications will do their job, and I’ll be able to be my normal self. The past few months, I have been having crying fits, this is new to me. I have never in my life felt this way about anything in my life. Things have been accumulating and it is frustrating me and everyone who is around me. I am lucky that I have not lost any of my relationships over it, though I have come close. My greatest fear is being like my real mom, she was a hermit. She kept everything to herself, she was not happy. I don’t want that, I have to do something now to change that. I’m still on the quest of knowing what. All I know is that I cannot go to any of my support people in my life for help any longer. This is something I am going to have to figure out for myself.

Thanksgiving Horoscope.

Yeah, right, they are complete idiots with alcohol in them. I do make a mean pumpkin cheesecake, although, I hate pumpkin. Who would have though?

Thanksgiving Horoscope for Gemini

You're the sign most likely to bring up interesting and controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner. Your signature dish: Sweet potatoes with marshmallows Your signature dessert: Pumpkin cheesecake This holiday: Play bartender. You're family is much more lively with a few drinks in them.

What's Your Thanksgiving Horoscope?

Breast Cancer

http://www.everydayhealth.com/PublicSite/Healthology/VideoPage.aspx?category=breast_cancer&cvalue=breastcancer_genescreening&utm_source=nl_womenshealth

This website is chaulk full of information about breast cancer. I know that when I was 19, I found my first lump in my breast, I know my mom, sister, and aunts have had them. It is important to check and keep track of your body.

Cold, Wet, Flooding

Preparing for a life changing event is a difficult course to undertake. I’m discovering this, as I am gathering all the tools that I am going to need to step out into the ocean of events. One of the stones I am stepping on to cross the great wide river of self appreciation concerns my weight. Food is one of those comforts that’s been there for me, when life’s biggest disappointments strikes me. The death of Rick, my dad, losing a cherished friend, moving, emotional stress of any kind, I turn to big old bear hug of a block of cheese.
I have been afraid of changing, it’s the fear of the unknown, it’s the fear of succeeding, or maybe it’s the fear of discovering a part of myself that I didn’t realize existed. These muddy illusions of what I think I want, need, feel, or desire give way to the reality of how things are. The death of my old ways is here, I have to slowly take the matches and light up the old and then immerse into the new. The moon, does this cycle of growing full and then slowly dying back down into a small crescent. I’ve been shown that I must learn the lunar ways, death is a part of life, so is the emulsification of all the forms of life that we know. Why is death the hardest to accept and enjoy? Maybe it is the cold, wet, rainy, flood like weather we are experiencing the last couple of days, maybe it is the events that are changing, and seeing cycles that I want to change that are voicing inside of my head. Yelling at me to do something and live your life, Jamie. All I know is my dreams have been wonderments of knowledge, advice, and parallels that I must acknowledge. Especially, concerning one person in my life. The universe is telling me something and I must heed to it’s call and do something before I become the vicious woman that I do not want to be.

Charlotte Martin

I discovered Charlotte Martin a year or so ago, a friend on myspace suggested that I listen to her. I like her a lot, right now this song is standing out to me. I am feeling this way about myself with several different people in my life.



On Your Shore: By Charlotte Martin

I dig my heels into the dirt cause this one's gonna hurt
Won't let the waves wash me away is what I always pray
In my heart I know you didn't see in the dark or find your way through me
Now I'm alone my hands are numb how do I carry on

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die
Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?

Now I'm held hostage in my head with every word you said
God all those lessons in my past I spit them out so fast I
See myself
With you I act so small see myself with you I always crawl
So someone leave a raft for me the water's getting deep

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die
Am I washed on your shore and barely alive?

Here I am in my insecurity
Here I am with my damaged dignity
Here I am you're pulling me in too deep
Here I am
Here I am, I'm in the mercy seat
Here I am, running without my feet
Here I am, oh what's come over me
Here I am

When I was melting in your hand you didn't understand
You slip through me like grains of sand you still don't understand
Overboard I'm thrown out to see what you are and what I mean to me
But I will always have my dream where you can swim to me

At the turn of the tide I feel this part of me die
I've been on your shore before and it was no waste of time
Over my head and in my mind
Am I washed on your shore and barely alive

Am I washed on your shore and barely alive

Stromata:
By Charlotte Martin

The clues to you and I are sprawling out like roads
And if we find a place for them they won't lead home
I only meant to say it once but it's too late
I'm into you and out again

The rotted love manipulates me
The rotted love that twists the fates seem
A bit confused by my reflection
'Cause if we die there's still direction and

I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata

If I can think on purpose then you'll be right here
A paranoia got the best of what I hold dear
The cold linoleum is talking up my shoes
Deciphering the truth of us

And now I know what I'm about to lose
Now I know what I'm about to choose
Now we go for some reaction
A little game of who's distracted more and

I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata

And see the disappointments walking in their line
But every step they take is perfectly in time
I'm singing you in every breath I'm left to heave
I feel your arms surrounding me

And when I'm in a dirty river
And my receiver meets her giver
I set a trap to come and catch you
Oh someone stop me now I can't do this

I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I you we're not thinking my stromata
I I we're not thinking my stromata
I I we're not thinking my stromata
I I we're not thinking my stromata
I I we're not thinking my stromata

Love Let Go Of Me

I discovered this song on Trisha Yearwoods Album, Inside Out. It caught me off guard, because it is beautifully written and the picture it paints in your heart is liberating.

Love Let Go (Hugh Prestwood)

Since I heard the whistle Of a mournful midnight train Sing a little duet With a siren in the rain The sang about true love Between the damned and the devout And right then for a moment The fire in me blew out And for a moment I felt my shackled heart unchained It was right then...instant liberation It was not long...but I was set free It was release...for a moment love let go of me Once I saw the moon rise As the sun climbed into bed They both shone on each other 'Til the sun blushed ruby red And then a pair of swallows Silhouetted cross its face And my heart pirouetted Through the twilight with their grace And for a moment I was not a prisoner of love It was right then...a little liberation It was so quick...but I was set free It was release...for a moment love let go of me

Links To Dreams

http://www.intuition2vishnu.homestead.com/Dreamssomeinterestingfacts.html

http://finalbookofdaniel.com/Danielbible.html

Dreams, Dreams, What Do They Mean?

There is a subject that has been on my mind for a long time now. It is something that I’ve been conflicted with since a little girl. Something that I’ve been ashamed to share with anyone, only a close few, because from the history of my family, you are considered crazy or “influenced by Satan” if you speak of such things. Though in the beloved Bible that my guardian parents loved and believed was so full of truth and great insight, they still felt it this way about it, Daniel, and other prophets had dreams that were divine answers from God, they held them in high regard. Women were not considered to be of high value or instruments used by God in this way, only as child barriers and hostess in their home. I do not share my parents views or a few of my families views on God and religion. I have my own set of views of what I believe. The reason I am so heavily compounded by this subject is that I have dreams, dreams that are mere reflections of what has happened. When anyone I care deeply for is inflicted in any way or it is coming their way, I dream about them and know what they are going to tell me before it happens. It is scary to me, I don’t know what this spiritual and powerful journey is taking me or why or where I received it from. Vickie my older sister has this ability also. It is a connection to the universe and to source that is new to me, though I‘ve had it all along. I never acknowledged it, because of the fear of being viewed as a lunatic. I do not know how to accept it or if it is because I am a loony person. I do not think it is because I am crazy at all. I believe there are others out there, who possess this same quality. How do you cherish this and cultivate this, so you are more aware of it? This is my question. I am scared of it at times, especially when it unfolds before me. Is it a warning, is it a chance for me to heal or help someone else by listening to them, so I am not caught off guard by their pain, so I know how to react? I do not know. I usually need answers to these questions. I am a seeker of understanding and knowledge, but I am discovering that this is something I am not going to be able to answer.
To help me quench this desire in my heart and soul, I decided to do some basic research on dreams. On this website they have some interesting dreams facts, such as. Dream interpretation dates back to 3000 B.C. They held great respect and even the Greek and Roman’s had dream interpreters who traveled with them into battle.
Even Christians, in the old testament book of Daniel had dream interpretation from their beloved prophet. He is held in high regard, at least in my family. My mom use to tell the story of Daniel in the lion cage and how angels helped him out of it. And the one story I will remember is when Daniel does not reveal his interpretation to the king Nebuchadnezzar, he is punished. In the Christian view, at least from what I was taught when Jesus came dreams and such were not needed anymore. I do not share that opinion.
Even the Wiccan’s have their own dream Gods/Goddess’ that help them on their dream travels. It isn’t just one religion, one culture, it is a vast majority that use dreams and their knowledge to show them the path of truth. This is a curiosity to me, since in some way I have possession of this. Symbols in dreams mean things to people. My sister Joy has symbolic dreams, where each object, animal, or being means something, some choice or decision she must face up to. I believe that myself, I have those too, but it goes much further for me. I am never at war within myself when I have these dreams. It is what Oprah coined an “Ah Ah, moment”. If there is anyone out there who has more information or insight I’d be most interested in your shared knowledge.

My Accent

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The South
The Inland North
The West
Philadelphia
North Central
The Northeast
Boston
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Movie Questions

1. What's your favorite movie genre? I like most genre’s. I’m not too choosy.

2. Name five movies you'd recommend to friends? 1) Underworld 2) Miss Congeniality 3) Under The Tuscan Sun 4) Pretty In Pink 5) all the saw movies (if you like scary movies.)

3. Do you ever watch a movie simply because of the actor in it? If so, who? Yes, John Candy, Denziel Washington, and Sandra Bullock.

4. If a movie you're planning on seeing is based on a book, do you read the book? Are you generally disappointed with one or the other? Yes, I read the book that the movie comes from. Yes, I was not impressed with Lord Of The Rings movies at all.

5. If you've ever watched a movie based on a true story, have you ever then looked to see how closely the movie followed the actual events? No, I don’t think I’ve done that, but it sounds like a good idea.

6. Do you ever watch Indie movies or do you stick with only the main stream? Yes, I have watched Indie movies. My friend Amber introduced them to me and we have fun watching them together.

7. Do you collect the movies on DVD that you've really enjoyed to watch again? Yes, I have a few movies on DVD.

5 Questions For Friday

1) Tell us about where you live: I live in Vancouver, Washington. Vancouver is a quant town that is not that far from Portland Oregon, right across the river to be exact.

2) If you could change one thing about your home, what would it be? I would have more art on the wall, I would make it a more homey feel.

3) Do you do laundry on a regular schedule? Yes, of course.

4) Describe the place that you sleep: I sleep in my bedroom on a queen bed.

5) This morning: was it easy or difficult to start the day? Pretty easy.

Being Myself

I found this graphic and I loved it. I feel this way about myself. I have to be me.

Audrey Hepburn

I enjoy Audrey Hepburn. I wanted to pay homage to her.

BEWARE SCAMMERS!!!

My friend Monte asked me to put up some speakers for sale on Craigslist, I did. Within an hour we got a hit from someone who wanted to purchase them. We were both surprised by the seemly instantaneous response we got from this guy named Johnson A. He fed us a sob story about losing his wife and how she promised his son, some nice speakers. I didn’t believe his story, but hey we were both willing to give the benefit of the doubt to him. He said he made a Western Union money order through them and even faked up a Western union confirmation email letter. Ok, that was Wednesday. I lost my power for a couple of days and when I went back on this evening, I reread the emails and I decided to call western union myself concerning this matter. They don’t even do an auction site and they don’t send out confirmation emails, as of December 31. Beware of anyone who is using this method to deceive you, when you are selling items on the internet.
This is what you should do, this is what saved Monte and I a headache of him losing his speakers and for me having the headache of dealing with this stuff.
1) Check the persons zip code that they give you to be sure it is a legitimate one.
2) if he is sending a western union money order, call western union. Do not be deceive by an email from w_u_confirmation letter@post.com . This is not a legitimate western union address.
3) do not for absolutely no reason send anything without payment, that is real.

Addictions

Addictions are hard to deal with, I do have a food addiction. I admit it and I have for a few years now. It is even more illuminating in my mind, as I am going for the laparoscopic lap band procedure and the whole process of that. I knew this isn’t going to be the cure for everything that is going on in my emotional state, but only my physical. So when my sister, Joy, Im’d this afternoon and told me to watch Oprah, because it is dealing with the weight loss surgery and the causing of patients to go to other addictions, I knew I must watch. Oprah’s program showed a lot of heart and soul, as I sat watching it, a lot of it rang true for myself. I have admired Carnie Wilson for awhile now, she is a wonderful woman, and I admire her ability to share publicly her struggles, triumphs, battles, and the outcome. This show was helpful and I enjoy Robins point of view.
I am fearful of offsetting a deep family history of alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual addictions, and gambling that strings in my family line up. I just happened to bypass all those addictions and got the food addiction. I have to change that and deal with the emotional aspect of why I am eating until I am so full, I wanna throw up, or eat until I have no food in the house, or better yet, eat until I am hurting from the stomach cramps that are brought on my overeating. I have a lot to deal with the change that is going to be necessary to be a better me.

This Is So True

"There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future!"

I got this on a Myspace bulletin from my friend Kelly. This statement is so true, it makes me cherish the people who are REAL in my life. My dad always told me that "Change is a part of life, you can either accept it and move on, or you can let it drown you in the sea of sorrow and regret." Changes are happening in my life and I am not going to be drowned in the sorrow or regrets that could encompass me, all I can do is move on down the path that I am on.

My Aura Is Blue

Another fun blogthings quiz that I took this afternoon....

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Surprise

I took this quiz just for fun and I got a surprising answer, see below. The reason it surprises' me is because I am in fact a Gemini and I cannot imagine having my true love being the same sign as I am. In fact, one of my male friends is a Gemini and we have an intense, passionate relationship at times and then he cools off, we've never looked at each other as anything more than buddies. So this is a big, ummm moment for me. It is scary, at least to me.

Your True Love Is a Gemini

Why you'll love a Gemini: Witty and sharp, a Gemini can keep up with your fast (and ever changing) mind. You're both fun loving and free spirits. You and a Gemini can enjoy each other without expectations. Why a Gemini will love you: Not only can you keep up with a Gemini's sharp tongue, you can introduce a challenge or two... You're appetite for fun and novelty will keep a Gemini interested - at least for a bit longer than usual!

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Life Chain

I went up on Dr. Phils website tonight, while I was chatting on MSN with my big sister, Joy. You might know her website http://joystory.blogspot.com/
She got on me about my negative voice that is in my head, thanks sis.
Dr. Phil's section on his website called advice, where you can get a bunch of exercise's on different aspects of your life. They sure do make you think, I'm going to try and do as many of them as I possibly can. I'm ready for change and he may be an abrasive personality, but what he says does make sense. Here are some my answers that I worked out for my first exercise. I've got a lot of things to conquer, and I'm up for the challenge now. Better late than never....

1. Where were you born? Longview Washington USA

2. Where do you live now? I live in Vancouver

3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living? My mom was a caregiver, until she got sick and passed away, I never knew my real father. Then I lived with Vickie who struggled to keep everyone’s head above water and then the Coons. Different aspects that have changed in a lot of areas, all had positive and all had negative affects on how I think and conduct myself.

4. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world? My mom hated men, thought they were scum, she said you can’t trust anyone, not even yourself. Vickie was the same way to some degree. The Coons, women were not to have a mind of their own or express themselves. They were suppose to be the caretakers of the family. Their opinion did not matter.

5. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?
My beliefs about family, religion, and politics are letting each person be who and what they want to be without judgment. I honestly cannot say what my place in this world is, I’m still struggling with that one.

6. What is your life chain?
Inconsistency.

Health

"When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and intelligence cannot be applied." --Herophilus


I got this quote in an email today. It is so true. Health is a part of every aspect of your life. I am learning that now, as I am struggling with my health. I have been so out of whack for so long, that it is a struggle to be put back into balance. When one thing goes awry everything else seems to follow right behind. Balance, isn’t that an interesting word.
My life is out of balance at this moment, though things are slowly improving as time goes on. I just wish it was faster, I am impatient, though I have to realize I didn’t get in this position in one day, so it isn’t going to take one day to fix them all. I need to find joy and comfort again. I have to let my authentic self out of the bag that I have tied it up in for so long. I am finding freedom in untying that bag. The bag is black, but when you open it you see a multitude of colors that shine out, I’m discovering that I am appreciating the differences in me and others in my life. If they don’t understand how I tick, then that is their problem. I have to be who I am, I cannot mold myself in what others expect from me. I have been told, that I am a rare person, I don’t judge, I love unconditionally, and I don’t expect anything in return. Why should I? It is everyone’s choice to be who they are, I have faults, and I don’t want someone condemning me or speaking negatively about me. Supporting someone in spite of the bullshit that mucks up relationships is difficult. I learned a long time ago, life is short, and I don’t want to waste my time . I have so many things to worry about, I’ve already wasted my time sitting here wondering why. I’ve let myself go, I have to change that. That is one of the major changes I have to make. Geese, I have so many of them to do. Don’t we all though?

10

Interesting questions (if I do say so myself), despite some of them being pretty weird:
Write down the name of ten friends next to the numbers and answer the questions.
01. Amber M
02. Amber B
03. Monte
04. Christina
05. Victoria
06. Russ
07. Jacqueline
08. Melissa
09. Joy
10. Carri
Questions:
01. Would you risk your life to save # 9's? Yes, of course. She is my sister and my friend.

02. If # 3 was in jail for murder and you knew they were guilty would you still try bailing them out?
Yes, of course. He will still need to have the trial.

03. If you were of the sex # 5 was most interested in and they asked you out do you think you'd say yes (supposing that you were then most interested in their sex too)? No, she is my big sister and that would be weird.

04. Would you party with # 10? I’ve done that already and yes we could have another slumber party adult style.

05. Would you go to 3rd base with # 6 if you were to be paid a lot of money for it? I think my friend Amber M would kill me if I did that with her man, so the answer is no.

06. How much would you settle for before you did it (if you could be convinced by money)? No amount of money would make me do it with a guy.

07. If # 2 desperately wanted to die and couldn't bare living anymore (and knew they never would) would you help assist in their suicide if they begged you to? Yes

08. If # 7 were to leave your country in 2 weeks time and made it clear they were never coming back what would you do for them? I would help them pack.

09. If you were to become a private investigator and you had to choose one of the 10 mentioned friends to work as one of those people who seduces (non-sexual) the husband/wife/ girlfriend/boyfriend of the client in order to test the client's lover's fidelity then who would you choose? Monte, because he is a flirt and would be good at something like that.

10. What features made you choose this answer? Because he is a flirt.

11. If # 4 were to suddenly lose the ability to speak your language and the only way you could understand him/her would be to learn their language (which takes a while) would you bother to learn the language so you could keep communicating with them? Sure

12. If # 8 kept truthfully saying that they were actually someone of the opposite sex who has really been crossdressing all these years but refused to show you 'proof' how long would it take (if ever) for you to finally believe them?
Awhile, because she is a pretty girl.

13. If # 6 had an obsessive compulsive reaction in which they punched you really hard whenever you said the words 'they' 'you' 'the' 'like' (when used out of context) or 'it/it's' would you still hang out with them? Actually, I would hit him back and then if that didn’t work, I’d stop using those words.

14. If # 1 were to suddenly change groups they hung out with would you move groups with them? I don’t hang out in groups.

15. Supposing you didn't move groups with them would you still keep in touch often? Yes of course.

16. What is one of the best experiences you had with #7? The day she cut my hair and did my make up and we took pictures. Oh yeah, and scary movie night.


17. If # 10 were to marry one of the other people you listed who would it most likely be? None of them.

18. Have you ever seen # 3 drunk? What is their personality like when they are drunk? Yes….

19. If # 1 were to get in a fist fight with #8 who would win? I think Amber would win.

20. If # 4 and 2 had a dance off who do you think would win? Amber would.

21. If # 9 and #5 had a drinking contest who do you think would win? My big sister Vickie.

22. What's the weirdest thing #2 has ever said to you? That is private…

23. Does #6 have any weird fetishes? (doesn't have to just be sexual.) constantly eating sweets. LOL

24. Would #1 eat a cooked insect which was made perfectly hygenic if they were dared to? I don’t think she would.

25. If you were to describe #9 as either a good influence or a bad influence which would you choose? Good

26. If #4's parents were away and they made him/her promise not to hold a party would they still hold one anyway? No

27. If you told #10 who you had a crush on are they likely to accidentally blurt it out to the guy/girl/ someone you don't want to know about the crush? No

28. Have you ever hated #7 or had a period where you didn't really like them much? No

29. What would you do if #3 started ending all their sentences in 'kupo' and refused to do otherwise? I would think he was on some kind of drug.

30. What are the first impressions people generally get from #8? How beautiful she is.

31. Does #5 have a movie/book which they love so much they can practically memorise it/tell hundreds of quotes from it? No

32. Who out of #8 or #9 would be most likely to be a swinger? Melissa would be

33. Who out of #10 and #2 would be the most likely to tell the truth in truth or dare? Carri

34. Who out of #3, #7 and #5 is the most open minded? Jacqueline

35. Who out of #1 and #4 do you think has the most celebrity crushes? Amber m

Changes Are A Coming

Changes are a coming. I’m thinking about change. I have to change a lot of things in my life or I will live a miserable life. Miserable by not having a true life. I’ve been without one for a long time that I have forgotten what it truly feels like. I forget that my friends have lives of their own and even family.
I keep making mistakes, I keep having dilemmas because I am making stupid decisions about my life. I get accused of being private, not telling the ones I love how I feel, what I want, what my opinion is, letting them know how they can help me, I don’t know what to say. This is a new experience for me, I have never been asked these questions in my life. I’ve been the caregiver of many people in my life, they acted like they were not interested, maybe some of them weren’t really. Who knows for sure now? I can’t ask those people if they were or not.
Though in my heart, I know that changes are true, but the emotional aspects are what is getting me. Do I have the self control that it is going to take to change my eating habits, do the things I am going to need to do to get healthy? Am I going to be able to get back up on my feet again in all the areas in my life? In all the aspects of my life, things are changing, I’ve been fighting the change, it seems to keep flooding out of me until the edges of the banks cannot hold the flood of water that keeps flowing over. I can’t live like this anymore and I have to practice self control and learn that fears are apart of my life. I think I will start here by writing each fear down that I have, concerning a person, place, or thing.
The first worry that I have is concerning losing weight and having self control in what I eat. I have this fear inside of me that I don’t have any self control. I let boredom overtake me sometimes. It is so much easier to head to the kitchen to eat something and watch the boob tube while I could be doing other things in my apartment to make it more mine and not a dismal existence.
The second fear I have is in my friendship with Monte, it has been an up and down relationship from the beginning. I seem to set him off, because of the way I think and do things. He tells me I am the only one who drives him crazy and he has ripped me apart a lot. He just did the other day. He did feel bad and apologized to me and I accepted it. I am just me, I don’t think like anyone else. I have a different perspective and a different attitude towards things. I also screw up a lot in my life, and it is because of my choice of being in a cocoon for so long. I am not now and I’m still on the learning, I don’t think we ever lose that learning period in our life. We learn until the day we die and maybe even after we are long dead and gone. It seems like every two months things are great and then they go bad, it is like a cycle between us and I’m going to have to go through the ebb and the flow and just be there for him and love him anyway. I do too. I also have to take care of me. He is excited about my upcoming procedure. He cares about me a lot and wants me to lose my weight. He says he is going to be there for me, it is rare for me that someone is going to be there for me and mean it. I hope he means it, I want him to mean it. I just wish that he didn’t exhibit so much anger and then all of a sudden love so often. I’ve had a lot of friendships and family relationships that were like that and I hate it. I don’t do that to them, I don’t stop loving them, ignore them, or drop out of their lives for a period of time just because they are doing something I do not like or anything, and I don’t want that done to me. I don’t like being a yoyo. I’m not talking about Monte here only, most of the people in my life have done this to me. I hate it a lot, I have accepted that, that is how some people are. I love every person in my life with my full heart and soul and I don’t want to lose relationships at all.

What Makes You Wanna Dance?

what track from the past will always make you want to get up and dance?



There are many songs from my past that make me want to get up to dance, sing, or just plain bring back memories. The artists that do this are Duran Duran, Elton John, Whitney Houston, Anita Baker, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Led Zepplin, The B-52’s, and so many more. Even Lesley Gores songs “It’s My Party” or “You Don’t Own Me” make me want to dance sometimes and bring back memories. Each song that I know has a memory attached to them and to individuals in my life who have inspired and been in my life. I will always remember them for that same reason.

Three Amigos

This is a picture of my friend Amber and her little sister Jacqueline. I just got a haircut and Jackie did my makeup. I felt pretty that day. Thanks Guys!!!

Purses

I have a secret, I love fashion. Being a big and fabulous woman, it is difficult for me to exclaim this in public or even to my peers. I like clothes, shoes, purses, and all those accessories. I love looking at clothes catalogs, fantasying what I would look like in particular outfits, with the whole effect of makeup, hair, jewelry, fabulous shoes, and a totally awesome purse. Well the purse is a totally different matter, purses are boring to some extremes, at least the ones I can afford. Vickie, my sister and I were discussing this matter today, how purses are boring. She likes to make her own, in fact, she was telling me about all her fabulous finds she found at a thrift store for less than $15. Fabric at a fabric store is expensive, compared to what you can find at a thrift store. She found an old leather skirt, some sequence pants and shorts, all great material to make purses from. The purse I have now is great. I love it. It is a black jean material and when you open it up inside, there is a bright multi striped color material inside. I feel like I am opening up a present and discovering a brightly, colored gift inside. Shouldn’t we get things that give us joy when we use them?

Interesting Questions In Case You Are Bored.

1. The time: 3:37 AM

2. The weather: Cold and Wet

3. The big news story: I do not know at this early hour.

4. Your favorite hangout: My apartment or at my friends.

5. The must-have accessory: shoes. LOL

6. Name one of your bad habits: eating when I am bored and biting my nails.

7. What do you expect from friends? This is a good question. I want them to treat me with respect, compassion, and understanding and I will do the same for them. We may have disagreements, but there is always compromise.

8. What is the last thing you wrote down? Probably this.

9. What is the last favor you did for someone else? The newest one will be helping a friend move to their new apartment.

10. What is your favorite TV show? I have a few that I enjoy watching. Bones, Oprah, any crime shows.

11. What's the last thing you broke? My ankle

12. What's the most expensive thing you've broken? My car

13. Do you consider yourself clumsy or graceful? Extremely clumsy

14. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? none

15. Someone asks for change while you're walking down the street -- what do you? If I have it, I will give it to them.

16. Where were you last night? At my apartment.

17. Did you speak with anyone? Yes, Christina, my mom, Monte, and Vickie.

18. What were you wearing? My pajamas

19. What did you eat or drink? Pasta

20. Can anyone verify your whereabouts from midnight to 5am? Nope.

21. How much TV do you watch? A lot

22. What type of show is your favorite? Crime mysteries.

23. Which talk show host do you hate? I was not a big fan of Rosie O’donnell.

24. Are you looking forward to any new season premieres? Not really

25. Which show is your guilty pleasure? None

26. When is the last time you dressed inappropriately for a situation? I don’t think I’ve ever done that.

27. How many friends do you have? A few

28. Are you running on time today? Always

29. Do you use bleach on your laundry? Depends on what I am washing.

30. What are your thoughts on guns? I do not own one, but I am not opposed to people owning them, as long as they are responsible. There are evil people out there and we do need to protect ourselves.

31. When I'm angry, I ____ yell and curse to myself and then go eat.


32. I was born in ____ a hospital in Longview Washington.

33. I laughed so hard when ____ I am hanging out with my friends.

34. Who do you live with? No one.

35. Do you like who you live with or do you want change? nope

36. Describe the ideal roommate: I don’t want a roommate. I would like a relationship with a male someday, and that would consist of mutual love and respect of each other.

37. How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours

38. Where would you love to play hide-and-seek? The forest.

39. Do you work hard or do you take the easy way out? I give everything I can give to things.

40. How's your day going? It is going.

41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Quite a few.

42. Do you consider yourself cool? I can be.

43. What's the last song you listened to? It’s not right by Whitney Houston.

44. When is the last time your phone rang in the middle of the night? I got a phone call at 12:30 from Monte, so quite often I do.

45. Who makes you yell? I don’t yell that often.

46. What do you do for fun? Ummm. I like to read, listen to music, hike, see shows, and hang out with my buds.

47. Who is number one in your life? Me

48. Do you smoke? Nope

49. Are you more likely to be caught humming, whistling or singing to yourself? All of them.

50. Have you ever been to New Orleans? Nope

51. When is the last time you saw the sun rise? It’s been awhile.

52. Can you swim? Yes

53. What don’t you understand? I don’t understand how some people can fight so foolishly over religion and politics when those things do not matter, it is being good to each other that is important.

54. Name someone in your life with blue eyes? How about most of my family.




55. When was the last time you go dirty? The last time I got seriously dirty was when I helped Summer pull her tree out of her moms yard. I laid down in the dirt to get that burger out.


56. Are you a lefty or a rigthy? I am a righty.

57. Name the last person:

Hugged: Monte

Smiled at: my neighbor


Deceived: Myself

Glared at: Monte in humor. LOL




58, Have you ever had an addiction? Yes, still do to food.

59. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope



60. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Vanilla or chocolate.

61. Have you ever been to the circus? Nope

62. What do you think of North Korea testing nuclear weapons? It is scary to think about.

63. How many foreign countries have you visited? 1 Canada

64. What do you always take with you on vacation? Clothes, shoes, camera, and money.

65. Name something you've lost recently: I can’t think of anything.

66. Do you prefer action packed vacations or relaxing ones? A little of both.

67. Other people's vacation photographs: do you really want to see them? Yes, some of them.

68. What was the last new song you discovered? I am friends with Monte, he is always introducing me to new types of music, so I’m always discovering news songs. I can’t remember their titles or the groups.

69. What was the last new dish you tasted? My mom made a grit soufflé and it was pretty good.

70. Where was the last place you visited for the first time? The Grand Canyon.


71. What was the last new toy you played with? Um. I don’t remember.

72. Name your favorite...

Candy: sweet tarts

Cookie: peanut butter

Donut: apple fritters

Cold drink: cherry coke

Hot beverage: tea

73. Do you play cards? yes

74. Do you have any rings on your hands? nope

75. Would you describe yourself as innocent? I can be.

76. What do you think of chivalry? It would be nice, but there are very many people out there who do it.

77. Have you seen The Thomas Crown Affair? Yes

78. Favorite phrase when you have:

Ate food that tasted bad: eew gross.

Stubbed your toe: Fuck

Become frustrated: What in the hell

Broken something: damn it.

Been cut off by another driver: I don’t say anything.

79. Where did you grow up? Longview Washington.

80. Have you ever been to Indiana? Nope

81. Describe yourself at age 18: Young, naïve, stupid, and a know it all.

82. How do you deal with pain? By stuffing it.

83. When is the last time you screwed up? When don’t I screw up.

More

As I wrote in my previous post, I have opted to receive the laparoscopic lap band system to aid me in losing weight. I researched all the options, when everything else fails, you sometimes have to go within and receive help in treating your problem. The lap band is an adjustable procedure. It is a laparoscopic procedure with no more than a 24 hour hospital stay. It has a low mortality rate, it is least invasive approach compared to the gastric bypass, there is a low risk of operative complications, and there is no cutting, stapling, or intestinal re-routing involved at all. All things that helped me sway towards this procedure in the first place.
I am at the beginning stages of the process, I made this decision, mailed in my application for approval and now I have to wait impatiently for approval for the surgery. I’m nervous and scared that I will not be accepted, but at the same time, I am hopeful too. I know all the requirements, that this is a lifetime of changes that I must met and change. Eating for emotional comfort or just because I am bored has to stop. I have to get more exercise and make that a priority. I also have to go to all my doctor appointments, and take care of my body. I do not want to be unable to function and require more help in the future. Things have to change and I have to put all of my gumption into this life altering decision that I have made. It is going to be a challenge, I’m going to have to step outside of my normal comfort zone and seek the help that I need, I can’t be a bystander and think I can do it myself. I can’t be ashamed anymore of how I am or what is going on in my life. This is going to be a huge undertaking and I sometimes feel that I do not have the strength to meet all the challenges that are impending, but I also know that I cannot go on living the way that I am either. This is what has been going on for the last few months, among other life changing events, but this is the one that has been the most on my mind.

Lap Band

I haven’t been on the internet for a few months, things happen that you cannot change or do anything about sometimes. I’m not gonna dwell on that subject at all, the important thing is I’m back on.

I am facing a new chapter in my life, in several areas. I have made a conscious, difficult, and painful decision. The muck of denial I immersed myself in for so long, concerning my weight and my health, the shades of denial, overlooking, giving up, loathing of myself is on a perpetual spin in a new and different direction. I have opted to get the Laparoscopic adjustable gastric banding done. I’ve been thinking about this procedure for years and years. I am finally going for the gold, concerning my weight and health. My weight finally caused me to suffer extreme health issues that I am having right now. I have to be a fighter for myself and I realize this is for my health. I do not want to become a cripple at age 33 and be the way I am now. Something has to give, and I know what it is finally. I am not good at follow through, I never have been in my life. It is easier to deny, lie, and do whatever it takes to make that other person happy for the moment, even if it meant I lost my dignity in the process. That is no more. I made the first step by contacting the “Legacy Good Samaritan Obesity Institute” in Portland Oregon. I went to their information seminar and I got the application and I filled out the paperwork and mailed it in today. Hopefully, soon I will be hearing from them concerning this surgery and get the changes started. I have read the many pamphlets and researched it on my own, as well. I am confident with my decision, I am at peace that this is the path that I am meant to be on. When Rick passed away from complications from obesity two years ago, I knew then something needed to be done. I lost weight, but I have not been able to go pass the 300 pound mark. I always gained and lost, it is difficult and painful for me. I am opening up about my weight issues, these feelings that I am going through. I am grateful that I have a few people in my life who are going to support me through this life alternating experience. I am sending a huge thank you, I love you, and you are awesome to these people. My mom, my brother Rob and his family, my sisters Vickie, Joy, and Carri, my dear sweet friends Monte, Amber, and Christina. It means a lot to me to have all your support.

Desert Island and 5 DVDS

You're on a desert island with a TV, DVD Player and 5 DVDs (plus enough batteries to run them). Which ones are they?


1. The golden girls box set
2. Pretty In Pink
3. Miss Congeniality
4. First Wives Club
5. Star Wars

Denialville or Illusion Island

Is the effort really worth it? This question is haunting me at this moment in my life. Crawling around on the floor, vacuuming trying to keep a clean environment in my two-bedroom apartment. I do not want to become like I was in Longview in my 5-bedroom house, wallowing in filth and unhappiness. Effort is apart of life, I realize. I am struggling with things on my plate, with my family and friends. I am scared of the truth, but sometimes the truth bites you in the ass when you least expect it. The shroud of illusion that has engulfed me for my entire life, is ripping apart. The red thick tapestry of fabric slowly, tearing down the middle of what I thought was real. I see the truth, I see that I am not consider family to the Coon’s. Those comments and the way of life has turned me into a mess of sorts. A mess that’s encompassing me to the fullest. The reality of the situation is eminent and I have to do something or I will surely die. I have to cut away the fragments that are not truth and start over again. I started this process three long years ago, Ricks death, my father’s death, and the death of an old life that needed to be killed is coming to an end. I am not sure where or what I am going to do. I do know that change needs to happen in me and I’m not sure how to do it or even what to do. All I know is that I’m not happy. I have to do something to change this mood I’m in. I talked to Monte tonight for a few minutes and he doesn’t want me to go through this alone. I am used to being alone, figuring out things alone. The illusions I didn’t do alone, my life is like one of those mirror mazes at the carnival where you walk through these long corridors trying to find your way out into the realism of the world. I do not have what I thought I did.
These judgments that have been made against me, because of stupid choices that I’ve made are not correct. I am unclear of what my steps will be, all I know is I do not like being in this maze anymore. I do have four awesome people who want to help me, Monte, Joy, Amber, and Vickie they do not expect anything from me in return. I want to scream, I don’t want to be here anymore, but I don’t know where to go. Help Me, please, somebody.

Good Times

This picture was taken a few months ago before Trojan wasted into a pile of rubble. We decided to see it a week before it was to be destroyed. You never know what will happen when we get together, some of us get hungry for hair. LOL

Writing

While talking to my absolutely talented writing sister, Joy about my incident with the Sheriffs officer, she told me I needed to write my story out or she will do it. Joy is my soul sister friend, though we are not related by blood, we’ve always been able to connect. My blood sister Vickie and I are connected too and they’ve both been encouraging me to write out my story. I haven’t been feeling any inspiration to do it for a long time, I’ve had visions and a miraculous divine that I should, but I have not mastered the editing, punctuation, grammar, and all those things that great writers have in their repertoire. Joy is a master editor, and has that talent for it. I don’t. I do not like editing in the bit, rereading wondering if something is perfect, but yet that is apart of writing, isn’t it?
This thought came to my brain while sleeping last night, I can use this down time that I have to start writing it. Maybe the great universe is telling me it is time and so that is why this is happening. Maybe the start of my story can be what happened yesterday morning.

The Sheriff And The Toilet

Well, I had the most interesting experience in my life this morning. I fractured my left ankle again a few weeks ago, I'm suppose to stay off of my feet, so I've been a good girl this time and I've been staying off of it. Monte, Amber, my brother Rob, my nephew and his wife have been so kind in helping me out when I need anything. I can't walk and they've been helpful in grocery shopping and stuff for me, which I am grateful for. They are blessings. Back to this experience this morning, some wonderful person called the Adult Protective Services to check up on me, because I haven't been out of my apartment in awhile, so this morning the Sheriffs sent by them, let themselves into my apartment while I was sitting on the toilet. It was so embarassing to me and I'm sure it was to him too. He didn't stay too long, they just wanted to see if I was still alive and kicking. Well I"m not kicking, but I am alive. I am not angry by this, actually, it is a good thing that they have services like this, but it sure was an experience I'll never forget.

My Era

You should have grown up during the twenties You are cool, sophisticated and hip – even by today’s standards. You like things before they are considered cool, and you like them long afterwards. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Questions

Name seven cities you'd like to live in that you have not already lived in before.

San Francisco
Seaside
Seattle
Boulder
Boston
Any city in Maine
Astoria


How many different time zones have you lived in? Which one would you most like to live in? I have lived in one time zone

What is the current setting of your home's thermostat? Do you adjust it up or down based on the time of day, or leave it at one setting at all times? My thermostat is off, it is too freaking hot to have it on.

Go to your bedroom closet (or the closet in which you keep the majority of your clothes. Take a quick glance: what color do you see the most of? Is this color your favorite color? If not, why do you have more of it than your favorite color? My shirts are either pink or red. These are two of my favorite colors, though I do need to get some other colors going.



Imagine your dream house: how many stories would your ultimate home have? One story

Ripped from the Headlines: An underage teenager decides he does not want to undergo a particularly rough regimen of chemotherapy to treat his cancer. With his parents' blessing, he decides to pursue an alternate treatment to be supervised by a clinic that is outside of the country. Should a court intervene and force the teen to undergo the "traditional" treatment? How much does the prognosis for successful treatment with the chemotherapy affect your judgment?
The government needs to keep their freaking nose out of peoples personal choices for medicine. If the parents have okayed it and said it was alright with them, then what the hell is the problem. Secondly, chemo is not that great in the first place for treating cancer.


Name your picks for your favorite seven game shows. (If you're not a big game show fan, that's okay: just name up to seven shows you'd at least expect to see on that list.)

Wheel Of Fortune
Jeopardy
The Weakest Link
Who wants to be a millionaire
The price is right
25,000 pyramid

Wolverine

You scored as Wolverine. Wolverine is a loner, and a skilled fighter. He's got the hots for Jean Grey but a better fit for him would be Storm. He doesn't like to follow orders which pisses Cyclops off. He has terrible memories from the experimentation done on him at Weapon X. Even though he doesn't show it, he loves the X-Men. Powers: Fast healing and adamantium skeleton and claws. Wolverine 85% Nightcrawler 70% Colossus 70% Jean Grey 70% Storm 65% Emma Frost 55% Rogue 50% Iceman 45% Gambit 45% Beast 35% Cyclops 30% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Life Sucks

How do you let go? Let go of the things that are tying you down, making you feel like shit. These are the questions that are going through my mind at this present moment. I am miserable, in pain, frustrated, lonely, sad, and most of all angry at the world. Why am I in the same exact spot that I was in before? I hate this, I loathe it to the fullest extreme. I’m tired of being stuck in a perpetual wheel of grief, suffering, pain, loneliness, and anger all the time. Right now, I just want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off. Really, to fuck off, leave me the hell alone, but then I think, I love these people, some of them at least. The reason I am angry is their resilience to get back up on the horse every time something bad happens to them. Monte, keeping on calling those hotlines meeting new girls to talk to, meet, and stuff. Amber with everything going well for her. Here I sit, alone, suffering, hurting, angry, in pain, and not knowing how to get out there. I don’t want to meet anyone right now, I have so much wrong with me. I am living like I am in my 60’s or 70’s, when I am in my thirties. I can’t walk, I can’t function as a person. I am stuck in this house, alone, crying, wanting more than I can have. I feel like sometimes no one cares about me, then I realize it is my selfishness, my loneliness, my anger and pain that is speaking. I am being irrational, in their own way, they care. I mean for goodness sake, Monte came over Friday night brought me groceries and got my mail for me. Amber is coming up on Tuesday to take me out to run errands. My foot prevents me from functioning at this moment. I do not understand this emotional state that I am in. I have never been this way in my life, I cry at the drop of a hat. I bet it is the years of muck, debris that is finally coming out. I have been on a quest of digging myself out of the world of denial and illusion that has been before me for so long. I am not sure half the time if I am up or down, whether I should go this way or that way. All I know is I am tired of this hell right now. Things are suffering all around me, it is noticeable. I am tired of it, I have to do something. What it is, I do not know.

Spring

You are Spring Fresh blossom on trees and crisp dew covered grass is what you enjoy Take the Season Quiz at Quizopolis.com

I Don't Want To Be A Cripple

I don’t want to be a cripple at age 32. The pain in my left foot has finally subsided and I decided to try and walk a little bit. I didn’t do it for long, I walked like a funny, crazy, hunch back and I had to use the walls as braces to make it the small way to the bedroom. I miss walking, I miss not being able to get up and down on my own whims to get things done. I have so much to get done, cleaning, watering my plants, and taking care of business outside the safety net of my home. At my age, I shouldn’t be acting like an old lady, I’m not old, I should be vibrant, ready to get things done for me. My God, I am back at the same place I was before and it sucks. Then on top of this, I am so worried about my sister and her tests coming up for Cervical cancer. It runs in our family, my aunt Marie told me yesterday that she had it at my age and had to get a hysterectomy. If it ain’t one thing, then it is another. Life sucks sometimes, but changes happen.

Death and Rebirth

Misery, what exactly is it? The definition in the dictionary states its meaning as extreme pain, distress or misfortune, great unhappiness. This word describes me to the bone. I am unhappy, last night having an old friend who opened up my eyes with one statement broke the last cord of denial that I have for myself. I am living like I used to in Longview, in misery, hopelessness, despair, hurt, pain, suffering, and in disgust. The reason I wanted to sell the old house in Longview was to start again in Vancouver, breaking the cycle that I was on. When I least expect it, it crept back in. I am disgusting and pathetic all over again, living in my own perpetual hell. How the hell do I get out of this road I’m on?
This fracture ankle, I knew it was a sign that something has to change. The change has to happen inside of me, I have listened to advice from my sisters Joy and Vickie, to my friends Amber and Monte, to my mom, to whomever. I am not sure, I am not taking away the knowledge my loved ones have, but I am also needing to find my own path down this road that I am clearly on. I am a firm believer that everyone is on their own road, they have their own truth. I sometimes forget to remember this, especially, when a dear friend or family member is in need, but it is all true. I am so consumed by this morbid grief, that is killing my spirit and soul, making family and friends run from me, that I am torturing every aspect of my life. This demon that has this hold on me, will not let go. What is my own truth? Do I have the strength and power to usurp this negative energy and make it into something positive for myself? The match has already been lit, the flames long ago burned out, I am now ashes. Reconstructing this woman has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I have encouraged, helped, supported, loved, cared for, cried with, and laughed with all my friends and family, but I have never done these things for me. I took a tarot card reading from the Gaian Tarot Oracle website. I enjoy this ladies writing, insights, and her art. She draws and makes her own tarot cards. I found her site on another blog that I enjoy reading, writer Kim Antieau. I have never read her books, but my sister Joy has and loves her work. I got the Lovers card in the Opportunity section, the Builder in the Challenge section, and the Death and Being Born card in the Resolution section. Isn’t that interesting? My questions were, I asked two, they were: What about my relationships with Monte and Amber, what is in store with them and then I asked one about myself, about my future and my life. I clearly have to grieve, I clearly have to break down, in order to rise about this hell that I am in.
I am on a quest of some sort, for what I am not quite sure. Time will reveal what is in store for me, I can only make plans for right now. I have to be a mindful thinker and not a mindless one. I know what I have to do, I have to get these last 135 pounds off, so I do not end up like a cripple. The weight is crushing the bones in my ankle. It is scary. I am unable to walk, which is a pain in the ass. I feel like a pathetic loser. These tears that are formed in my eyes, crying over the loss of me, having friends looking at me pathetically, how in the hell did you get yourself to be like that? The scorn, the negativity, and the every beatings of myself, in my head. I am feeling so stupid, so pathetic, a loser again. I let myself go, I have turned off the power, passion, exuberance that I felt towards life when I was young. I know the exact moment I lost it, is it possible to gain it back? Has it really been beaten out of me?
This emotional turmoil will not stop, does it ever, it seems insurmountable when you are burned to the ground and are only ashes. I got news of my sister and her possibility of having cervical cancer, I so much want to be there in Alabama with her, holding her, crying with her, talking with her. I suddenly realized how much she means to me, I love her so much. We call ourselves the weird sisters, we are most definitely strange to the bone. Then another change in my friendships with Amber and Monte. I realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate they can be. I do not love them or care about them any less because of these two qualities. I am opening my eyes to reality and what I must do for myself. I love these two people greatly, and I will never tell them to get out of my life. That is simply not acceptable in my book, it is hurtful. I have had it done to me many times and I am not willing to let someone else go through it. It sucks, when you are suddenly hit in the face with a dose of reality that you did not expect. I also understand that they are having a change in their lives themselves, I do not judge them for it or condemn them for it. It is apart of human nature. Change happens, I can either lay their, crying like a fat whale on a beach getting ready to die, or I can be a fighter and figure out a way out of this place. I am choosing to be the fighter that I know I am. If I can fight for others, why can’t I do that for me?

Vegan And Type II

I got this interesting article about the Vegan diet and diabetes. I have type II Diabetes, though I do not have to take medication yet, I still have it. I have to be mindful of what I eat, sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I do not think I could go Vegan, because I love cheese and yogurt. I still found it interesting. I am aware that I need to improve my diet in a lot of ways. Why is it the cheap food is so much cheaper than the food that is good for you?

New Mission

Contemplating my own scheme of things in the areas of health, relationships, and finances is a difficult task that I have set before myself. I have been procrastinating, living in the web of denial that I have weaved for myself. That has to stop, RIGHT NOW! My body is out of balance, along with my spirit and soul. I need to stop living in this web of deceit and figure out how to get snap away this binding, tentacle that has grasped itself permanently to my body. I have been sadden lately, to be totally honest, for many years. I have gotten myself stuck in the same old rut that I wanted out so badly before. This relationship with Monte is always up in a roar. I’m struggling with this relationship, I have from the beginning. I like him a lot, I care about him too, I want to believe he feels that way towards me too. I have a hard time believing this and consequently I challenge him every change I get. Though now, I am not sure what is happening. I feel like apart of me has been cut off, violently ripped off and now I am hemorrhaging from the wound. I am slowly realizing, it isn’t him, it is me. I am the cause of my own emotional uproar, my own dilemma. I have to figure out what to do about these things, and not just with Monte. I have been way too dependent on him for help, and I think he feels it. That is why he probably runs from me. Amber is tired of hearing about my problems with Monte and she runs. I wish I could run from me too. I have so many things going on in this brain of mine. I have at least circled the problems. First, I am an emotional overeater, Second, I am passive aggressive and I get angry at myself and others when I cannot defend myself from others violations of my person hood. Thirdly, I am tired of this body I am in, I am tired of having no passion or joy in my life. Whew, that was so hard to get out. It is hard to get the truth out in the open, but I have to be honest and realistic with myself and with others in my life. Sometimes the only way is to write it out.
Now on to greener pastures, Amber and I have to decided to start our own support group for us overweight gals. We are poor and cannot afford spending our precious money on things that are frivolous as weight watchers, tops, or over eaters anonymous. I am sure those groups work, but sometimes you have to work with what you have. So instead of sitting and boo hooing over my weight, swollen ankle from the weight, health problems, and such. I am making me my mission, I have helped a lot of people in my life, so why am I not capable of helping me. Amber and I discussed this yesterday, and we want a rewards system, we want to have a system for helping each other when we are having a hard time, support, encouragement, and motivation are important factors to any new regime. If there is anyone else out there who wants to join the bang wagon, feel free to join. It is always easy to get motivated, but it is difficult to stay there. I am a strong believer that encouragement and support is important in ones life.

Apologizing For My Emotions

It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.
-Virginia Woolf

I woke up at 3am from a strange dream. Monte and I were having a conversation and I was helping him like I have always done. It felt strange because of the hurt feelings that I have towards him at this moment, but I still love him and wanted to help him. Early this evening, we had a text conversation, one that was painful to me.
You see I was apologizing for being rude to him when we got off the phone earlier today, there was a better way in telling him how I felt than what I said and I was apologizing for not what I was saying, but for being rude. He text me back “Would you please stop with that. Ur looking pathetic. Please have some self confidence. You are forgiven, but you don’t have to be sorry for something so mild.” When I got that, I was offended, and I didn’t respond right away. Then I said to him “at first I was offended by your response. I’m not pathetic and I do have self confidence and it is growing. I know You said it out of love for me, but it still hurt my feelings.” Then he wrote back “Do not apologize for how you feel.” I wrote back that “I’m not, u did hurt me and I’m not pathetic.” I have not heard back from him after that, but he was going out tonight. This dream that I had this early morning, started off with me in my old house with Rick sitting in his old chair by the telephone and answering machine. He has been dead for almost 3 years and the look on his face when I was playing back the messages from Monte on the phone and from my other friends was not good, it was strange. I realized where I got the apologizing for how I was feeling from. I was not allowed to own my emotions and feelings, I had to suppress them so that this sick man could have everything he wanted, then it warped back into me in my new apartment, a part of me is dead to the old, but still living it in some aspects. Why am I doing that? I do not have to be sorry that I am angry with him, that he hurt my feelings, or that in my opinion he is being stupid again. I have every right to feel that way and I don’t have to hide how I am feeling. I am still hurt by Montes’ words, though my rational side believes he said it out of love for me, but the emotional side is deeply wounded. I need to give myself some space from him for a little while. Though in my dream we were talking and I was helping him problem solve. I still believe that we have this deep connection, this connection is deeper than anything I have ever felt with anyone in my life. I am still unclear about our relationship, all I know is we have an odd one.

Fundamentalists

Fundamentalists are not in just Christian religion, but obvisiouly, in others. I find it irratating and annoying that many religious sects can forbid human rights, condoning abuses of women, children, and themselves in the name of God. I am fascinated that in the name of God or the Goddess they can treat someone with disrespect. There are many sects in the many religions some good, some bad, though in the Middle East they do culturally treat women as slaves, I am sure there are some who do not like this view point. Not too long ago in our own history, we were not allowed to vote, and we were in essence treated as slaves. We have our freedom now, thanks to many pioneering women in history who didn't want to be sufficated by the fierce fist that was jammed in their mouths.

Questions

1. What do you think of space? Do you think we should explore it, or stay here on Earth and tend to matters here? I think we should explore space, we can learn much from the other planets.

2. If you could travel anywhere off Earth, where would you go? Why? There are two places I would love to go, the Sun and Jupiter. I think it would be cool to see the sun first hand, of course, I’d have to have protective gear from the heat. Jupiter looks so beautiful from pictures I have seen, it would be awesome to see it in person.

3. Do you think we're doing enough to facilitate science? Why/why not? What would you do to change things? I cannot answer this question, honestly. I think science is important, we can learn to cure diseases, explore things, and there are so many aspects to it.

4. How much patience do you have when it comes to your health? How much is too much? What do you do to fix the situation? I don’t have much patience, I should, because I need to take care of myself. Lose the last 130 pounds and become active again, get my blood pressure under control and eat better.

5. What's the one thing you have zero patience for? Why? I have zero patience for inconsiderate and judgmental individuals. The reason why is, because we all have faults, differences, beliefs, and things that are wrong with us. I have no right to condemn, demoralize, ridicule, insult, inflict, violate, or hurt anyone’s feelings in these matters and I don’t like having it done to me. I avoid these types of people like the plaque. The funny thing is some of my family is like this and they do not realize it, they do it under the name of God.

6. What are the top 3 things in your life that are most important to you? 1) the individuals in my life who have stuck by me no matter what and have forgiven me and believe in me. 2) finding happiness for myself and discovering what I am all about 3) finding balance in my life through love, truth, and grace.

7. Do you take steps to facilitate the importance of those things? How so/how not so? I believe so, I value the people in life, I am there whenever they need me to encourage them, love me them, and listen, I also am loving me too. That helps in relationships as well. I am trying to find happiness, learning what it is I truly and engulfing myself in these things. I am finding balance by admitting that I am human, that I have to learn and accept that I am not perfect and things will not be perfect EVER, and that I can still do things in spite of the imperfections. I am not in denial about these things anymore. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes and making amends to myself and the people I’ve wronged.


8. Would you ever think about changing the way you do things (priorities) so that you can pay more attention to the things that matter the most? Yes, I would. That is the step I am at right now. I am taking in consideration that I am important, that I do not have to cater and take care of anyone but myself. I do not have to give away my money, possessions, or time to anyone. It is not being selfish to say no and it is not being a horrible person either. That is finding the balance in things. Life is about balance.

9. Do natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes, blizzards, tsunamis) worry you? Why/why not? No, things will happen, you can’t stop it, so why stop living.

10. Where you live, which natural disaster are you most prone to? Does it make you want to move somewhere else? Why/Why not? We get wind storms, fires, and earthquakes once in awhile.


11. Have you ever been affected by an Act of Nature? If so, do tell! Yes, we have had floods here in the North West on several occasions that affected me.


12 Are you really into music? Does it get you excited, or can you take it or leave it? Yes, I love music. There is so many different types of music and I enjoy most of them. It can make me feel good when I am blue or when I need to relieve some anger or anxiety it does, or even when I need to relax. I do not know how to play an instrument, but I do know some musicians and I have great respect for these individuals that can play notes and make their own music. Showing there passion in how they play, I enjoy it a lot.


13. .Do you look forward to new albums coming out? Are you one of those ppl that waits with bated breath, or do you just buy albums when you are walking by a kiosk or something like that? No, I am not like that. I lived with someone who was like that with Elvis, I hated it. I generally down load my music off the internet or I buy my CDS at a used CD store like Everyday Music. I down sized a lot with the music, though I do enjoy it a lot.


14. What kind of music did you listen to as a kid (0-18)?. What do you listen to now? I loved country, Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and I loved Rock N Roll Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Van Helen, Pat Benetar, Poison, and Whitesnake . I enjoy the same music, but I have added some new stuff to it. I can’t get enough of Mary J Blige’s song Enough Crying, it fit’s the mood I am in now. I also discovered Tori Amos and I love her music now too. Her words are so awe inspiring to me.



15. What are your favorite colors? Do you use them in your everyday life (clothing, decor, etc)? I love Pink, Red, and Black. I love most of the colors too, but these are my favorites. I have a red mirror that I bought at the good will last summer and I have it hanging in my living room. I have black in my home too and I have pink too. I wear pinks and reds a lot too.

16. What is your favorite type of food? How do you incorporate it into your life? I enjoy Italian and Greek food a lot, I love to incorporate different types of cuisine in my life. I enjoy cooking and making up recipes, though it is more fun to cook for someone else, but I am learning to enjoy my own cooking for just me. There is a great Greek restaurant in Portland that I have enjoyed going to, I haven’t been there for awhile, I am thinking of treating myself one day soon.

17. What are your favorite types of clothing? Why? I am casual, though I do like to wear dresses and skirts on occasions, especially doing the summer time.

18. Do you like to garden? Why/why not? If you do, what type of gardening do you do? Yes, I miss having a plot to call my own. I am blessed that I have my own deck and I have a container garden. I am growing basil, oregano, dill, thyme, rosemary, and chocolate pepper mint in pots. I also have Glads, Pansy’s, Sweet Alyssums, Begonia, Parsley, Fuscias, and another pot that I do not remember what is in it. They are flowers that resemble roses, but they aren’t. I enjoy my deck now, I have a nice chair and my wind chimes and bird feeders out there.


19. Do you have plants at home/at your office? Are you able to keep them alive? Yes, I have a lot of houseplants, and I am able to keep them alive. I love them, they create such a pleasant atmosphere to my home and they produce good oxygen too.

20. Are you the kind of person who needs live things around (plants, flowers, etc) or does it not matter to you? Why/why not? Yes, I love having my plants, I do not know how I lived so long without them before. I didn’t start growing house plants until after Rick passed away, maybe because I had to take care of him and I couldn’t fathom taking care of anything that need time and attention. I want to get a fish tank full of fish soon too.

Feminism and the Davinci Code

I read this interesting article on the Davinci Code and women. I found it interesting, because the movie brought up a lot of anger out of the Christians, mainly the Catholic Church. This article is intriguing and it gets you to think. Enjoy….

Land Of The Living

“Land Of The Living” written by Nicci French is a spell binding book. The heroine, Abigail is put through quite an ordeal. Losing her memory, not being believed that she was kidnapped and tortured, and made out to be some mad woman. It has intrigue, romance, mystery, and an ending that is truly inspiring of how strong a woman can be. I highly recommend this novel, I started it last night and I had a hard time putting it down to do anything else. Abigail literally tortured, slowly being choked to death by a crazy serial killer, who has killed many women before her. She escaped, in the hospital they didn’t believe her story. They thought she made it up to explain the bruises for the battery she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, whom she left 4 days before she was kidnapped. She didn’t realize she left her boyfriend, until she was released. The courage, strength, and determination to prove herself and the way she captured the psycho and saved another poor woman is grand. If you get a chance, I highly recommend you read this fantastic novel.

5 Things

If money, time and opportunity were no issue, what five things would you most like to do?

1. Go and stay a month in Italy
2. Go to a spa for a week and have all the treatments done, once a month.
3. Buy my dream home and have fun decorating it.
4. Buy myself a mustang
5. Buy myself a beach house and stay a month in the fall there.

The Davinci Code

I just finished a great book called “The Davinci Code” written by Dan Brown. Now it is time for the movie, I wanted to read the book before I watched the movie. I enjoyed this book so much, the art history, spiritual history, and the mystery is so captivating to me, why couldn’t it be true? Rick was a Catholic when he was in his younger years. He went to a Catholic private school, and they really are that strict and violent at times. They destroyed the great Alexandrian Library, after I heard that I lost respect for the high authority of the pope, bishops, and priests, they have to seek out and destroy anything that held any truth from the people. It reminds me of the Christian churches in America and everywhere. Why destroy knowledge that will help you find out the truth of what is out there? They did this with the Dead Sea Scrolls when a small boy found them in the 40’s in Quaram, they also left out important books of the bible that were written by women, I want to obtain and read the book of Mary.
I am not bashing Christians or Catholics, I am angry that people can bluntly, violently, violate someone’s freedom of choice in religion, politics, and themselves just so they can have total power, total control over their person hood, so that these people in power can feel like they have control of everything that a person says, does, and finances. Well they may have control of their things that they can see or hear, but they cannot control a persons thoughts or spiritual things around them. That is internal and can only be controlled by that one individual. Will they ever learn that?

Darkness and Light

Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
-Meister Eckhart

Dead Mans Chest.

I watched the new movie with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom “Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Mans Chest”. Man oh man, it is a great adventure packed movie, I liked it. I liked the first Pirates movie too. It is so awesome. Johnny Depp is so hot dressed as a pirate. I am glad that I went and saw this movie, I recommend it.

Happy Fourth Of July

Happy Independence Day!!!!!

Ilussions

I am sadden by the illusion that I have made for myself. The illusion of the life that I thought made me happy. The death of my soul, the death of my one time happy spirit. Why did I rip my heart out and leave it out on the platter for the carnivorous vampires to eat? I can see my beating heart laying there as they tiptoe around, circling my body, licking their lips, waiting for the right moment to pounce on it and start eating. I can see the blood dripping from their mouths when they looked up into my eyes. My eyes showing the pain and the confusion, slowly the life drained from my body. I suddenly cannot feel anything, no pain, no emotions, no feeling in my arms, legs, and my heart. Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I lay their willingly being their sacrifice? I lost control over my body, I gave it up willingly. AS I lay here defiantly, fighting the ultimate control over my spirit, I am suddenly alone. The black spirit, that stunk, cried, wailed, tortured, scorched every one who showed any real love towards me, causing them to run to close their hearts to my pitiful body laying in the pool of blood. I suddenly realize no one can save me, no one. I have to save myself, am I able to. The beautiful spirit that I possess is rising, above the clouds of doubt, self loathing, and pain that has overtaken my entire life. No more, there is hope after all. I am capable of loving and being loved. I am worthy of love, even if I have to give it to myself. Though I dream of a companion, someone to share my hopes, dreams, and life with, it, is easier to be alone and scare off the people who dare to come near me. That is what I have done, to the good prospects, I scare them off. I have to show my passion for my life, how else is someone going to see me, if I don’t open the closed doors to myself. I am expanding my possibilities and moving forward. I hope it is not too late in a few of my relationships, I hope that time and my change will make a great difference.

How Interesting

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 100% Dragon 83% Mermaid 75% Faerie 75% WereWolf 25% Demon 17% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Musings

I have had a busy mid week, I finally got a haircut after talking about getting one for a year. I love it, it is layered and is cut where it doesn’t show my thinning hair. I bought myself some treatment for my thinning problem, part of loving me. Amber’s boyfriend has never seen my hair down in the year that we’ve known each other. Seeing me with my hair down and Jackie, Ambers little sister cutting my hair in the kitchen was priceless. I looked beautiful that night when I went and saw Superman Returns, by the way it's a good movie, go see it. I went and bought the necessary hair care products for my hair, I hope this stuff works with the regrowth of hair. I am learning new and interesting things in my life about taking care of myself. I have known it is something that I must do, now I am feeling strong and capable enough to do it.
I went to Windy Ridge last night with Amber and Russell. I have not been up on that side of Mt. Saint Helens since they reopened Johnson’s Ridge when I was a teenager. I forgot how steep those stairs are, but I made it up. It was my first hiking excursion for the year. It felt great doing it. The drive was way long, but well worth it, at least I had great company.
I finally bought a nice chair for my deck outside, I already have the beautiful plants, bird feeder, and chimes, I just needed a place to sit and relax at night when the sun is down. It feels wonderful to get this done, so I can enjoy my work.
I am tired, something strange is happening to me inside, I cannot explain it.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns is an awesome movie. I went to the movie theatre for the first time in over a year to see it. It is a tear jerker. I recommend you go see it. I didn’t like the original Superman movies with Christopher Reeves, though Mr. Reeves is a great actor. I just am not into super hero’s. The only super hero that I loved was Wonder Woman. They should make a remake of that one. You know I'll be going seeing that one.