Ultimate Weight Solution

“The Ultimate Weight Solution” by Dr. Phil McGraw, this is a book I am reading now. I picked it up last summer, but I haven’t read it yet. I just started it this morning. A lot of truth is in this book. I am enjoying it. It has some ideas in it for goal setting, such as, setting realistic goals, what to do instead of, and a lot of other ideas. I decided I have 135 pounds to lose to get to my ideal weight and I have an action plan to help me get to that goal. I have gotten some fabulous ideas for other parts of my life, while I am reading this book. I am in the chapter that is explaining the first key to his plan, “Right Thinking”. I am finding it helpful, because my thinking been distorted by things in my life, that I have to change the way I think about myself and things in my life. I have to be accountable to myself, I have to acknowledge, work through, and decide what I need to do. I have known this for a long time, I am more than positive there have been people in my life who have spoken to me, but I have not listened to what they had to say. I was not ready to learn or to be out of the pit of denial that I built around myself. I have been ruled by lies, muck, pain, the past, and frankly, I am tired of living in the self destructive way. I deserve better, I have better, if only I let myself have it. I am realizing this, though, the people who have proclaimed they care about me, maybe they do. I do not know, that is something that will be revealed when the time is right. As of now, my goals are these: I am going to share them, even though they are personal.

Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.

Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.

Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.

Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.

These are my goals for right now, they are probably going to change as I explore things in my life. I am awake, maybe for the first time in my life. I am feeling happy, hopeful, and at peace with the path that I am on. I am choosing to go ahead and stop living in my past, living the life that was the views of someone else, I am changing it and I have the authority and the power to do so.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is as valuable to the one forgiven as to the one who forgives.Amish proverb
I got this proverb in an email. It made me think about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? I have had many people tell me what forgiveness is, their definition, their opinion, but I never thought about my own interpretation to this word, emotion, and attribute. I have been told I am a forgiving person, that I just forgive, let bygones be bygones, and accept their apology or non apology. Frankly, I am tired of talking about things that people have done wrong to me in my past. That is all I focus on, that is all anyone wants to focus on. Yes, I have had a terrible past, been abused, ridiculed, hurt, and tormented by lots of people. Up until just recently, I’ve lived in my past. Not looking forward to my future, to my possibilities, goals, dreams, hopes, and the things that are me. I am finally discovering this, and strangely I am at peace with everything that is around me. Even the fact, I will be alone on my birthday. My friends are going to be either out of town or doing something else, my family will be in Arizona for my nephew’s graduation. I decided, instead of feeling blue, disappointed, hurt, or anything I am going to make it special for me. I am going to make myself a fabulous dinner, and watch movies all weekend, since my birthday is a weekend. If anyone out there has any suggestions for movies to watch, let me know?

Epiphany

I took this picture at the beach last summer. I like it a lot, it is peaceful. This morning an epiphany came to me, hitting me upside the head. A lot of things have been happening in my life, since the day Rick passed away. A lot of changes have been happening, my dads' death, changing relationships, selling my home, starting a new life, and changing the core of who I am. I have not liked who I was before. I thought I knew myself, I thought I had things together, I thought a lot of things that were not accurate or true. For starters I hate waiting, waiting for answers from someone else, especially when it is not quick and doesn't come at my own timing. I do not have the right to demand an answer from someone who is not ready to give it. I hate it when I am put in that predicament. In a lot of ways I am thoughtful, in some others I am not. I do have compassion and understanding, but I also possess selfishness, lack of self control, and impatients. I am learning these things about myself. It is hard to look yourself in the mirror. The last few months I have gotten to the core of my being, my soul, my spirit. Though, I have had to to a lot of examinating and declarations. I have not gotten all of it. I am burned to ashes, the bird thats inside of me is growing. Though, I am not sure what that means, I have not gotten the pieces back together in my life. I have made some awful mistakes. I have made some decisions, I am not going to live in the past. Though, the people in my life will try and drag me down to that level. I know what my past is, I know how has effected me. I am choosing to let it go, move on, and stop wallowing in the pain of broken hearts, dreams, relationships, and most importantly loss of everything. My bank account is overdrawn, no more withdrawals are going to be made. I have never stood up to myself or to anyone in my life. Saying no, the other day to a dear friend, brought on some understanding. I have to do things for myself, it is not being selfish. My friends and family have learned this and have no problem thinking of themselves. If it will hurt me financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am not going to do it. I have done that more than once in my life and I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for a long time. I have given everything away and the things I have now, I am keeping. The gifts that are coming into my life, I am keeping. I'm not giving them away to anyone. On another note, I have also decided to fight my urges, and let it go with Monte. The confusion about our friendship is still there, but I am not going to wallow in it any more. I know it will be tough for me, I give in to my doubts and the part that misses his laughter and jokes. I have to prove something to myself and to him, that I am not dependent on him for anything. I am hopeful that in time we will be able to talk and laugh again. I am learning a lot of things this year about myself.

Beauty And The Beast

What is beauty? This is a subject that is on my mind this afternoon. There are several reasons for this subject on my mind. First, is a week ago, my big sister and I discussing beauty from an essay from Sarah Ban Breathnach titled "You are beautiful". She states in the first sentences "You are beautiful right now. Today. Just the way you are, just the way you look as you read these three words. You. Are. Beautiful." Boy did this bring up a discussion, one that took awhile on the subject of beauty. This is not my normal care, not until recently. I don't care about all the hype, makeup, hair, products, looks, and stuff. I have taken this rebel attitude to the fullest of the full. So far, in fact, that I am offensive to some people. Partly, this is due to a past life that I lived, and the other is do to what the heck do you do about some of these things that come up. Some of them are embarassing. I do have one dear friend Amber, who has showed me things about make-up, I have taken some of her methods and even invented some of my own. Finally, I am able to apply foundation, and all that goop on my face without feeling nervous anymore. I apperciate Amber's view point, it does make you feel better when you take care of yourself. That includes some beauty regiments and learning to appreciate yourself and realizing that taking time in caring for yourself is important. I have discovered, just recently, that there are ways to take care of your hygiene needs on a tight budget, or actually a almost none exhistant budget. I am not perfect at this concept yet, it is still new to me. I am taking notice, I am loving me enough to care about my beauty. I know I'm not going to be no Cindy Crawford, Madonna, Charlize Terron, or even Angelina Jolie. I am going to be me. I am beautiful inside and out the way I am. I have one hope that every woman realizes this and appreciate each others beauty and differences

Music Of The Heart

A new beginning, a different start. Tonight, while I am cleaning, checking email, doing myspace, and such. I am listening to some cds. It's been awhile since I actually listened to music, can you believe that I am saying that? I am listening to my country. It stems from my childhood, I am well rounded in my music. I love a little bit of every thing. Old, new, in between, and odd stuff that some people never heard of. Living with a man, who had a massive collection of music. I gave so many cds, cassettes, and lps away that I looked like a freak. I kept some for myself, don't get me wrong. I like Reba McEntire, yes, she isn't the best singer in the world, but she happens to choose thought out and passionate songs. I have to be in the mood for her, just like any of the music that I happen to have in my collection. I have to be in the mood, the only artist that I am in the mood for all the time is Tori Amos. This one song caught me off guard by Reba tonight. In fact, I replayed it a couple of times to make sure the words sung, were what I heard. This one section of the song, I absolutely triggered a thought into my head. How in the heck did the writter of this song get into my head? How did they know my life? How did they know period? I experience that in songs all the time. I experience that not only in songs, but in books, tv, movies, and all kinds of things. Lately, my eyes have been open to a lot of the things around me. The people in my life, friends, family, neighbors, grocery clerks, other students, and artists. The part of the song that blew me out of the water.....
What i was so afraid ofTurned out to be my freedom in disguiseNow i know what i'm made ofGuess it just took some time to realizeI was blind i couldn't tellPut too much faith in someone elseI gave up on myself
Giving up on myself, I have done this.... I am in the process of mucking through the crap to get to the other side of life, my life.

Working On A Coal Mine

A coal furnace in Tennesse, imagine that.

Land Between The Lakes

A beauiful deer at the land between the lakes in Tennessee. There are buffalo there and shortly i'll post a picture of them.

Arizona

The Navajo plaza in Arizonia. There are a lot of indian reservations in Arizonia and new Mexico, both very beautiful states, my opinion.

Sun Records

Sun Records where Elvis, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, and lots of other stars got started.

Beale Street

Beale street in memphis Tennessee, it was so cool to be where Rock N Roll and the Blues started.

Grand Canyon

Grand Canyon, isn't she lovely!!!!!!!!!

I'm Back

Well I am back from my vacation, I also figured out how to add pics onto my blog, it took some help from my dear friend Amber, but i did it. The two weeks on the road, going through Oregon, California, Arizonia, New Mexico, Oaklahoma, Arkansas, and Tennessee our destination was awesome and cool. I have never traveled so many miles in my entire life. I enjoyed the sites, the smells, the interesting people that you look at while on the road and the great time I had with my friend Amber (my traveling partner) singing at the top of our lungs country and rock songs. We played the heck out of her Heart greatest hits cd and we played the heck out of my Leanne Womack greatest hits cd. When we were young girls we planned on doing something like this, it took us a long time to actually do this. There were some obsticles along the way, but I made it through it without a hitch. I have a lot of things do go through now and I feel a little more rested. My friend, whom I have written about in previous posts and I have had another upset and then we made up again. It is a difficult thing for me, because I have so much idle time that I forget that others have lives of their own. I haven't seen him in 2 months and hopefully when and if he comes on Sunday it will be different and we can rekindle our broken down friendship. I have a lot of growth to do in my life right now, stuff that I have been putting off for a long, long time. It is all emerging on me now and it feels like it is consuming my whole being. That is why I made a hard decision today, i decided to seek counseling, which is a big deal to me. I have to express how I feel to a stranger and decide to make the changes that I need to.

The Journey Of The Unknown

Sunday night of August 14th my friend Amber and I took off on a road trip to the great unknown, the USA. She has taken the path that we went on before, so she knew how to get to where we were going, Tennessee. We are there on, it was an adventure that I will never forget. I am here in Tennessee at a Motel 6, writing this blog. I am road weary, tired, and exhausted, but I still have some peace and awe what I have just experienced the last few days. I have journeyed through Oregon, California, Arizonia, New Mexico, Oaklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, and Tennessee. We have made several stops and took some awesome photos, even while driving, imagine that. My black honda has a sunroof, so while one of us was driving, the other was sticking her hand out of the sunroof snapping pictures on our digital cameras. Surprisingly the pictures have turned out, LOL.

While driving through the Mojave dessert on our way to Arizonia, I saw the most beautiful sunrise that I have ever experienced in my 31 years of life. It was beautiful, it looked like someone was out there with a paint brush painting the sky with pinks, purples, blues, and reds. It was awe inspiring and peaceful out there. The dessert made the sunrise even more spartacular. While driving I felt at peace, I felt alive. I have never taken a trip like this before. It was out of my comfort box, out of my normal day to day living. Yes, I have taken vacations, but this was way different I was an adult, I was free to stop anywhere I pleased, I could actually enjoy the vacation and not be in a hurry . It was great.
We made it to Arizonia, and we stopped in Havosac and saw the London bridge. This guy in 1962 bought the orginal london bridge that the tower bridge in london replaced. He numbered the bricks and pieces of the bridge and put it back to together over this lake in Havosac. Amber and I had a heck of a time finding it, but we did. It is being used today. It was as my mind pictured it, it was a cobble stone bridge, but it wasn't as big as I pictured it. I wonder if our imaginations make things better than they actually are? It was great seeing it though. Our next stop was the Grand Canyon. That was a big dream of mine since I was a child, it was coming true. It was a big thrill to me, even though I was tired, hadn't slept for a few days, I wanted to see it. We made it there, paid our 20 dollars and took some awesome pictures of that too. The grand canyon was so amazing, it took my breath away. The view, WOW, was sooooo cool. Amber and I both screamed in excitment when we saw the window trying to find a parking spot the view the canyon gave us that day. The clouds in the sky made it even more beautiful to me. Walking on the edge of the canyon was exhilarating and the view down below was so cool. It is the biggest ditch in America. LOL. My brother in law Bobby said to me on the phone the other day. We stayed in a hotel in Williams and slept and then took off again heading for our destination. New Mexico, we drove by it at night, so I didn't get to see it, on the way back I am hoping to see it in the light of day. Texas' panhandle wasn't so great to me. Nothing but dry dessert with oil fields, or a big cross that looked ridiculous out there in the dessert. It was church sign of some sort. We drove through Oaklahoma and that was cool. I saw some world war 2 air craft there and I saw some cool windmills, but that was about it. Arkansas was ok too. It was, a lot of trees and stuff to look at. I'll wirte more later.

True Colors

I have been doing alot of thinking the last few days, especially after getting the news about my dads upcoming surgery, which is tomorrow morning at 8am sharp. I have a belief that each person in our lives has a purpose, they don't just come into your life for no reason at all. I have many people in my life and each one of them has a purpose, has value, has significance in my life. Some of these people have been there for a real long time and some have just shown up. Seeing each person for who they are and accepting them as themselves is a challenge in itself. I have a hard time doing it, but how can I expect them to accept me, if I don't accept them? Obessing about someone being different isn't a good idea too. I figured out what my problem has been with some of my latest friendship, i've been obessing about them and whether or not they like me. That is ridiculous for me to think about, why else would they keep talking to me, or coming around if they didn't care about me at all. I have done a lot of growth these last few weeks, especially now. Appreciation for the things that I have, my family, my friends, my health, my home, and mostly for who I am. I have been struggling to find out who I am, what I am all about. It has been a difficult road that has been paved with many obticles in my life. I have a negative attitude, my good friend Amber, has told me to think postitivly about things. It is a difficult thing for me to do. Choices are everywhere, when you least expect it you have to make a choice, some are harder than others. Right now, I am preparing for my dads surgery, I am preparing for my upcoming vacation with my friend to Tennessee. I have never been on a road tirp before, especially one that is that long. I am looking forward to it, I love traveling and having new adventures. I have had several in the last few days and I am hoping my whole life will provide me with different adventures.

Rain Forrest

I had an awesome trip to the Olympic Rain Forrest here in Washington State. It was so beautiful, you can't even imagine what is like until you have been in the midst of it. The moss growing off the trees, the waterfalls flowing down the stream, and the smell in the air. The moss drapping off the trees, becoming a part of the tree was an awesome sight to see. The waterfalls, going down into the crystal blue water, hearing the sound of the water hitting onto the stream that was down below, was an inspiring experience for me. I felt so at peace there. The air was so clean, so pure, nothing like the city air here in Vancouver Washington. I learned a lot of interesting facts going to the Olympic National forrest near Aberdeen Washington, first that Washington state has the only rain forrest in the USA. It is sad that we are not protecting it, that we are not appreciating it's magnificiant beauty, it's purpose, and it's creation.

MT. St. Helens

I just had the greatest adventure in my life. I thought today was going to be a horrible day, especially after last night. I will tell you about it after my wonderful experience. Mt. St. Helens is a beautiful volcano that is in Washington state. When I was 6 years old it erupted and today my friend Amber and I took a helicopter ride to it. We were 1 mile away from its rim, I got some great shots from my digital camera. I have never been in a helicopted before, I was nervous. Seeing the mountain up close was a experience that I will never forget. I have never been close to this mountain in my life, it was bigger than I had ever imagined it to be. The dome that is forming now, was so big, (a team of scientists were flying in another helicopter next to us to the dome to drop a wire instrument to measure with, so we got to see how big the dome was compared to something else.) I cannot fully describe what it was like for me and for my friend.

In Light Of Truth

As time passes on, I am feeling more confident, more relaxed, and more settled in who I am becoming. This new experience has drained me, I am bouncing back. I have to quit thinking that I can't, when I am capable. I'm not dead yet. This weekend spending time with my family in Bend Oregon for the weekend was an experience. My dads health and his realization what is really important in life, was an eye opening event for me. He has inspiration, he has some hope, despite his circumstances. He is going on, accepting that he can't change what can't be changed, and changing what is in his power to chance. We all have power and authority in our own life. That is something I am discovering for myself, that I have a voice, have the power, and the authority to do what I need to do. I don't need to subcome to what others want, think, or demand that is right for me. I have to stand on my own two feet, I am getting this lesson that I must learn right now. It has been a difficult lesson for me, but I am learning it. I am actually happy about learning it.

Pain

What is pain? That is my question. Pain has many aspects to it, physical pain, emotional pain, and spiritual pain. It is amazing how much emphasis is in one word PAIN. I have had all types of pain in my life, I am sure everyone has, i'm no different.
Clearing away the pain of our lives is acheiveable. I am working on it now, it gets me, I struggle with it. I want to find the core of my being, the real me. Not the me that is fake, hides, shelters others, or fractures out. I believe God is real, I believe that he can heal, he has proven that to me on many levels. I have cleared away so much shit out of my life and I am starting to realize that I am not shit. I am a new creation, a creation that I am making with Gods help, from the people he has brought and will bring into my life, through realizations, insights, and other things.
I am struggling right now, I have pain that I am going through right now, and there has been pain that I have worked through. It has many layers, I tend to stuff, I tend to ignore, I tend to give up on myself. I can't do that anymore, I am tired of the shit. What do I intend to do about it? I am lucky, I have my faith, I have the love of God, family, and friends to help me go through it. The struggle for me is finding out what I am, what are my choices, and the belief that I am capable of it. I am, I believe that I am. That is a hard thing for me to say, since it is a new statement.
This is my year, this is the year of truth for me. That is what I am seeking, truth. Truth is another one of those words, like pain, it has a lot of emphasis behind it. That will be another topic to write about. Right now, I am working on pain, since that is what I am feeling right now. My friend Linda told me to write down everything that I am in pain about. Pain is based on fear, if you think about it. The fear of being alone, the fear of being wrong. the fear of getting what you want, the fear of not getting what you want, the fear of...... It depends on each individual. That is something that I have to work through. I am fearful and in pain in a lot of areas. My dad's passing, the newness of being in a new environment, being able to be myself with no one else around, having choices, being free, and most of all losing everyone in my life because of my fakeness. Our imaginations make things much worse than they really are, or make them something they aren't, even wonderful. I need to realize and do something about it.

Fluttering

July 29th, 2005

I am fluttering right now, so I thought this was a good title for my first blog. I am nervous, I am scared, life is scarry at times it is what you do with that fear that matters. I am learning that as I am getting older, especially now. I have always been in a cocoon, one that was made for me by factors of my life. I have made a subconcious choice to keep the cocoon around me and not let myself out. It has bitten me in the ass, especially now. The changes in my life have been hitting me hard, having someone die, that you cared about for 11 years and loved dispite their bullshit. Learning to be who you really are, when you have never been give the chance, and realizing it for the first time ever. It is a new experience, being me. I have been a chamelion, bending, shifting my opinions, my colors to whatever makes the other person who I was around happy. Who wants to be around someone like that? Right? Not many, that is why I am slowly losing people in my life, I am realizing it, I have started the hard road to changing. It is a struggle, I have lost several dear friends that have meant a lot to me. Two in particular, come to my mind, one that just happened yesterday and one that happened a few months ago. I do have some great people in my life that are standing by me, talking me through it. I am grateful to them for that. I have been inspired by them, Amber, Linda, Karen, Christina, and my three sisters Joy, Carri, and Vickie are there for me. I have to use this new experience, this new heartache as a stepping stone, their was a purpose to being shown an old pattern, so I can work it out with Gods grace and healing. I do believe in God, not the God of church, but a God that has love and value for me and for others. I have been slowly breaking the layers of my corrupt childhood and young adult hood, the layers that were the foundation of this old woman, but a new core person that God loves is emerging. I am becoming my own, I don't have to submit to someones shit. I love my sister Vickies saying "I don't like the taste of shit in my mouth, and I'm not eating yours". Yes, it is a crude remark, but it is a true one. Why do we have to absorb and bend to what others opinions are? Don't we have the right to our own thoughts, desires, and opinions? I believe we do, we are all free. God made us that way. We are free to think and do what we want. The choice is ours, I have choosen the path of renewal, the path of Gods love for me. I am valuable, I am acceptable, and yes, I do have a right to be me. I am fluttering to discover who that is and I am asking for patience as I unlock the doors that have been locked. I realize that everyone has this problem, locking up, not letting anyone in, being afraid, feeling volunarable. Why should we be afraid to share our heart and our whole core with others, especially those that love us?