Eureeka I Found My Treasure!

“A strong woman knows what to do. She must pick up the paddles and with all her courage row out there, to her very own portion of the sea. She may have to row around in circles a bit, or dive down some, but soon she will spot them either bobbing in the water or resting on the floor of the sea, the treasures she thought she had lost for good. Whether a heart full of love, or a soul that once prayed or a mind that loved learning or the body that felt better, they are still her treasures and are waiting to be reclaimed.” Christine Lemmon

Essential Ingredients

I read a complete book “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister and I am now 100 pages into “Angel Time” by Anne Rice both excellent books. I completed four lessons in “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, which consisted of me writing letters to myself. I found this difficult  but managed to do it and felt much relief after accomplishing the task.

A surprise happened on Sunday, an old friend requested to by my friend on Face Book, which if anyone knows the story would find it rather shocking. I accepted, but have found some sort of enlightenment in the hand that’s been reached out towards me.  I am still assimilating what this means and what our new found communication looks like. It’s been five years since we’ve been on good speaking terms.

This week, I’ll hopefully finish “Angel Time” by Anne Rice and do the work in “A Course In Weight Loss”. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, hopefully some more answers will be revealed. I am just taking one step at a time. I am enjoying my furry friend, Nicholas and the peacefulness of not having a dramatic roller coaster ride to sit on. Life is good. I cannot complain. 

Pain, Do Not Avoid.

"Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. However, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble." Caroline Myss (Anatomy Of The Spirit)

On my journey through my throat surgery, painful loss's have perpetually engulfed me. I had many people tell me that I'm not living a life where God can bless me. My thoughts to these accusations is how do you know? Maybe, just maybe my experiences are teaching me to appreciate my life and maybe these obstacles and truly blessings in themselves. Life is painful, yet, somehow we expect God and prayer to magically fix everything, but how do you classify a fix? My journey taught me many lessons, perserverance, patiences, appreciation, love, thankfulness, and most of all how to engage myself into not judging others and their afflictions.  Each step that I took on my path to healing was apparently meant to be  for me to value myself and the people who actually love me and to allievate me from the falseness of the people who do not love me.  That's my journey now, healing, and directing my life in a different way. The process is painful, but well worth it.

I'm Alright

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer


When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
 
 
While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him.  The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore.  Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog.  Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose.  My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely.  Well, I need to get going...

Flower Power!

“And so here is the hard part: We have to go into the sludge and look for it all. Like La Llorona, we have to drag the river for our soul life, for our creative lives. And one more thing, also difficult: We must clean up the river so La Llornona can see, so she and we can find the souls of the children and be at peace to create again.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes   

Health And Spirit My Theme For 2010

I recently signed up for Netflix. I’m enjoying getting DVDs in the mail. I watched Ruby, The First 100 Pounds and I got inspired. I am on my own journey to fight the battle of being obese. I found her blog, also she’s on face book, since I do not have any way of watching TV I can keep up with her progress and read her inspiring story.
That’s not the only DVD I have gotten, I’ve been going movie crazy. As soon as I get one, I watch and send it back right away. I don’t have much of a life, plus I am still recovering from my almost two year battle to breathe. I am hoping to incorporate other things into my life, slowly, as I am on the journey to see what I love in my life. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of two books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Cheryl Richardson.
I fell in love with the movie Julie and Julia. Oh my, I love to cook, but have lost the inspiration. I do not have anyone to cook for but myself. I eat easy now a days, occasionally I will whip up a soup or stew. I still enjoyed Julie Powell’s journey of cooking through Julia Child’s French cookbook. I will be whipping up some great recipes soon, even if I am the only one who gets to enjoy them.
I’ve also watched Ghost Hunters, The Biggest Loser: Yoga, not very good in my opinion, and 1408. I am expecting Reign Over Me and Wayne Dyer: Spiritual Solutions. Do you see a theme forming? I do, health and spirit seems to be my motto for the year. My queue of movies seems to be growing as I research them out.

Expedition

I started watching Expedition Africa show on Hulu, because it filled a sense of adventure to me. I’ve always wanted to travel around the world, to experience different cultures, food, music, and people. Miriyea, Kevin, Benedict, and Pasquale, explorers who are following Henry Morton Stanley and Dr. David Livingstone expedition in 1871 through Ujiji Africa. So, I got off my butt, went out and saw the front yard this morning. I counted it as my exercise today, because I was using my muscles. Baby Girl went with me, we explored our front yard. I took photos until my battery died.
I enjoyed myself, a good meditative experience for me.

Learning To Fly

Went to the library today with Jessica and Micah. I didn’t actually go into the library, but I did enjoy sitting outside looking at the pretty trees and flowers. I wanted to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air, and do something different than what I’ve been doing. I got my camera out and start snapping photographs, something I love to do. Still breaking out of my funk, and learning to fly. I listened to Tom Petty last night, the song “Learning To Fly” resonated deep within my soul. So much so, that I have chosen it to be my call tone, so when someone calls me that’s what they’ll hear. That's what's on my mind...

Learning To Fly
Tom Petty
Greatest Hits

Well I started out down a dirty road
Start out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I’ve started out for God knows where
I guess I’ll know when I get there

I’m learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must come down.

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Boy, Does That Taste Good!

This is Baby Girl, the newest edition to Ric and Jessica's family. I needed to laugh, and this photo made me laugh...

Journey To Self

Watching the chick flicks, “The Holiday” and “Sex And The City, The Movie”, I kept wondering what the heck is wrong with me. These romances, searching for the prince that’ll sweep you off your feet, a relationship, that’s full of love, trust, and issues, and here I am not evening willing to chance it. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of these movies and other romantic movies, just that I have always thought it would never happen to me. Somehow, ingrained in my mind, heart, and soul were the words from my sister, mom, and a few others, that you will never attract a man, or be relationship material. I thought I was lucky that I had a ten year relationship, but when he died, I thought that was it. I have signed up for some dating sites, but only at the urging of my friends. I don’t feel satisfied, I feel creepy about the whole process of advertising yourself, putting the make-up and having those sexy photos on there to attract a man. I still have issues with the whole process. Yet, deep down inside, where I hide a lot of things, I do have the desire of a relationship, that’s different than I have ever had, but the fear, the shame, the whole humiliating process of finding him makes me run and hide under my blankets. I keep deluding myself into thinking that I have to do some major changing before that’ll ever happen. That I have to be perfect, that the gross, stinky mess that my life’s in has to be completely abolish before I even start. I have reverted too far the other way, to where, I purposely hide from people, men, women, the romance, so I don’t have to deal with the painful rejection, or even have to work at all, saying to myself and to others that I am perfectly happy alone, am I really? No, that’s a big fat lie. I do like to spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation, but I also enjoy the company of people who make me laugh, that I can have deep spiritual and intellectual talks about many different subjects with. So, at the age of 35, I am forging a new path of self discovery, but the thing is, this path is not new. It’s the one I started in 2004 when Rick died and all these new and exciting experiences started happening for me. I have had some key people in my life who have shinned their beacon of knowledge on me, that I still hold in high esteem. Yet, a lot of these relationships are changing, hopefully to something better.
I am in a moment of asking questions to the universe. What’s my purpose? Who can I trust? Where do I want to go? Some of the questions roaming around in my old noggin. In my dreams, I have gotten some answers, some of them have been complete surprises coming out of nowhere, and some I have already known. Yet, I possess this lazy, unmotivated, hard headed chick who says screw this, I’m going to travel down this path, even if I totally destroy myself. That’s the part of me I want to shut up.
As I sit here, in my pajamas, propped up by pillows on my bed, gazing out the window at a big evergreen tree and mass vines of blackberry bushes and morning glories, I am beginning to ponder many things in my life. The people, the places I’ve been, and my role in this universe. I only know one thing for sure, that some part of me is waiting for the big fireworks to tap me on the shoulder and guide me to where I am meant to be and where I actually have some peace of mind and happiness. That’s just another Jamie fantasy, this divine being guiding me to where I need to be, to where I am to be blissfully happy, all knowing, all glowing with the joyfulness of finally figuring out the great cosmic universe. Yeah right, that’s every going to happen. Scientist can’t even say they know the whole universe of life and what exactly happen, that’s why they argue about it. Maybe that’s just it, I’m going to have to accept that I am not going to know anything more until it’s ready to be revealed to me. Ugh! I don’t like that at all, what can I do about I? Nothing, it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not.
Can you tell, that I am seconding guessing my thoughts, feelings, passions, goals, you name it, I am probably doing it. I admit to the public and to myself that I have a major problem with follow thru, finding and keeping my motivation, and most importantly losing the real perspective of life. I am so good at seeing it for everyone else, when it comes to me, I have the blinders on.
Perhaps, the question what happens now? Do I keep whining, do I perhaps stay stuck in an unhealthy situation? Or do I follow the knowledge and wisdom that my dreams tell me? To be continued as this enlightening journey leads me…

Give

With the fear of losing my photographs on my computer, I have saved them all onto a DVD-R. It took a good 30 minutes to accomplish this goal. I had 6 g’s of photos on the disc when it was all finished. I chose to do this after not having my computer for a couple of months, because I thought the plug part on the computer was fried, turned out to be the cord, thankfully. I am happy to be back on the computer, to have my music, my photographs, and to be back on the net. Now that I have my computer, now I am on a quest to make a sanctuary for myself in the room, I have been given.
I am hoping to get my stuff out of storage this weekend and to unpack some of my items and then maybe I might feel like I am home, instead of this feeling of discontent. I am adding a collection of photos that I’ve taken the last couple months of not having my computer.

Cross Stitching Adventure

Jessica, my niece in law encouraged me to try cross stitching, because she's working on this beautiful fairy. She had this pillow case pattern that she found at the thriftstore, so I started with that. There weren't any directions, so, I got to choose the colors. Jessica showed me the stitch, which wasn't that difficult at all. I actually enjoyed doing it. While watching movies, 'Rose Red", "Stargate", "The Sixth Sense", and "She-Devil", I cross stitched this pillow case. I ended up giving it to my sister/friend Joy. She can sew it into anything she wants to. She's creative in that way...
I have decided to expand my creative adventures a bit. I have not started another project, but I have been drooling over this cross stitch pattern book that Jessica has, so an idea is coming along. Right now, the biggest creative endeavor I'm going to be doing is getting my small room organized, and decorated the way I want it to be. I got some major ideas and plans to accomplish my the fall...

Such A Long Time

I have been away for a long time. My computer's cord decided not to work and finally I had the time to call HP for a replacement. Now, I'm back.

Several changes have accured since my move back to Longview. First, my friend Amber got married this Monday and is now moving to Idaho. I'm excited, but deeply sad by this. Then there's the changes with my friendship with Monte too. And then dealing with the social dynamics of Rick and Jessica. I love them all, I want more. I do realize, that maybe it's me who has to do some changing. I am an introvert, I don't like sharing my thoughts, concerns, fears, especially with my family. I feel ashamed, humiliation, you can just imagine the spectrum of emotions. I have a long journey that's awaiting me.

Sarsaprilla, Quartz, Tourlamine, and Journey's

This the big house project still going on. Dave, Jessica's uncle had to replace the entire plumbing, so he spent most of his time under the house. Now, Rick and Jess need a new kitchen sink, the previous owner did not put it in correctly. We have no kitchen sink, but at least the bathrooms back.
My friend Amber got a pendulum, and I got myself some crystals. I bought a white quarts, pink quartz, and tourlamine. At the Moonshadow store, I saw some cool Tarots while there, Amber got a cool Celtic one. I also bought some Sarsaprilla, whole herb. Sarsaprilla is the root that root beer is made from. I love the sweet smell of it and it makes delicious tea.
I have talked about my friendship with Monte many times on this blog. Well, once again he is doing his normal spill of being offish, its frustrating, but something inside of me is changing. Maybe its the fact that I am growing, though I am camping out in Rick and Jess' living room, I am content. I am still wanting my own spot, but that will happen soon enough. I love having animals back in my life, plus I am swimming for my physical theraphy, and I have made another doctors appointment about my lungs. Seeds have been planted, causing major growth in my life, can you tell?

Close My Eyes

The photo is the man made pond that Rick and Jessica made in their front yard. They have fish, if you look closely you can see them.
Today, so far, mainly been about organizing and making my spot functional. I am currently camping out in the living room, sleeping on an air mattress, while my place is still being built. Strangely, I am not discontent. I am finding plenty of time to be alone, and do my own thing.
I know that I made the right choice. It's been a week since I've been back into my old home town. I am feeling peaceful and happy. Its about time.

Blue Skies

Blue skies shinning thru again. I don't mean just literally, but also metaphoracally. I am alot happier back home in Longview. I am enjoying spending my time with the animals. Told Rick and Jessica that we should charge admission for their zoo. They have 4 dogs, 5 cats, 7 bunnies, and 3 mice. It's been awhile since I've been around critters, it's a love that I share with Vickie and Rick. A family trait that we all possess. The last two days have been great. My good friend Amber came up to my new home two days in a row, we drove around the old neighborhood and hung out. She got to mee the critters and see my propsective home. We also talked about things also, which is so cool. Anyway, life's progressing and I see blue skies ahead.

The Flame Of Hope.

Been busy packing, preparing myself emotionally and physically for the move back to my home town of Longview Washington. Officially, I'm moving out of my apartment on the 28th, of February. I took the picture above last night while doing a ritual to release negative energies and restoring positive into my life. I feel so much better after doing the process. My friend Amber did it with me at her own home.



My new dog buddy Christy. My nephew Rick's dog. They have 4 dogs, 5 cats, and 7 bunnies. I am moving into an apartment that's on their property, so I will be having some critter buddies. I'm not dreading this move, not as much, as I thought I would. I've been missing having critters, and it'll be nice to get to know Rick and Jessica his wife.




The flame from my candle brought a lot of peace and hope into my soul, and even the ritual and meditation. It's amazing. I have been so blessed, my friend Monte came and helped me pack on Sunday and so did another friend Amber. More to do, yet the hope and peace I feel have stayed...

Happy Inauguration

I am happy for Obama. I'm excited. I am looking forward to watching what I can find on the net about his inauguration.
Yet, the gloomy cloud of discontent follows me, not because of him. The beginning of my 2009 has not gone well, so far. I finally set up the physical theraphy, start that on Friday and more test this morning. Ugh!

Hopeful

Frijords paw, the blind leader puppy dog that my nephew Joshua is training to be a guide dog. I took a shot of just his paw, because during the week I stayed at my brothers house, Frijord sat by my legs. I thought, he was born to be a guide dog. I also wanted to test my camera out, see how close of a short I can get, got one of his nose too, like the paw one better. Somehow, a close shot of his nose, doesn't seem to sit well with me.
I am on day two of being home, though home wasn't necessarily where I was at today. I went to the Cardiologist for a checkup, almost two years ago, I was diagnosis with CHF (congestive heart failure). The doctors at Legacy hospital didn't know how else to diagnosis me, so they gave me that label, without explanation. What I thought I knew about CHF today flew out the window and I got a new knowledge that I am thankful for. I am thankful that it isn't my heart, but a form of sleep apnea, and I am soon to be tested. My first battery of tests will be on January 20th, and Thursday, after fasting for 12 hours, a slew of blood work will get done too. They also, think that I developed asthma in my adult life, which I was unaware was possible. I am more hopeful with these two new specialists, who seem to care for their patients. My knees hurt, the pain is manageable with the Ibrupfen, though I am hoping not to live on that stuff for the rest of my life. I am walking with the crutches, finally learned how to use them. They are awkward at first, but with time and practice, I am able to use them to help me get around. While at the doctors office, I discovered that I lost 15 pounds, which doesn't seem to surprise me all that much. My appetite's not been the same since this ordeal over a week ago, the pain, new environment, and new things have gotten me into some sort of loop. I know that change, taking care of yourself, through spirit, body, and mind is important, yet, it's so hard to make that commitment to myself. I am committed.

Got New Shoes, New Book, And New Groove!

The weather outside is frightful and not delightful, the picture above is a sign by my house, yes, it is snowing again. This morning got a phone call from my new neighbor Nechole about there being two packages for me that the UPS deliver guy left for me at her house. So, I went and got them, and had a great visit with Nechole and her two year old boy Michael, got home an hour later, and I got a new pair of shoes, and a delightful book about President Barack Obama that I won. YaY, so will be spending some time looking at the photos and reading the tidbits in the book, just like I did when I got an Audrey Hepburn book for Christmas from Monte this year. A good way to nurture myself, reading and learning about some cool people that I adore. The weather is apt to be the same for awhile, snowy, icy, and cold and I am not going to go anywhere. No need to, thank God. My back is better again, not hurting so much. I haven't taken any medications for it, but I've been sleeping, resting, relaxing with some herbal tea and honey, reading, and old Night Gallery reruns. I am excited that NBC has old episodes of Night Gallery and Alfred Hitchcock on their website, fun to watch, and to reminiscence. I will be doing more of that today, happy Christmas Eve and stay safe and warm.