Creating Mandala's.

I thought I’d give a progress report on the Mandala project that I started in October. I’ve created 6 so far. I’ve never imagined that I could be creative in this way. I surprised myself. I am actually enjoying creating Mandala’s. It is a good way to meditate and clear your mind of the garbage you pick up during the day. Like my friend Amber says “When I am being creative, I feel alive inside.” I agree with her statement. I feel alive inside and I feel a lot of the good qualities that I am wanting to gain coming out of my body, soul, and spirit. Here is a sample of four of my Mandala’s…

The sixth one I made.



The fifth one I made.


The fourth one I made.


The third one I made.

Christmas Eve

It's snowing outside. It isn't sticking yet, but the flakes are flying threw the air. I've been having a pleasant Holiday season this year. I went to my brother Rob's house for Christmas Eve, they don't celebrate Christmas, not many holidays to be exact. I got the invitation a couple of days ago by my sister Carri and I thought it would be a great opportunity to get some pictures of my family. I got a new toy and I'm excited, can you tell?



This is my brother Rob, he is wearing his work shirt. If you knew him you would know why. He is a mechanical person, always fixing something in the house and for other people. They don't call him the mystic marvel for nothing. Today, he was working the wiring in their bedroom downstairs. Here he is fishing for cats, lol... They have this fishing reel that has a mouse on the end, and they fling it and the cats get the mouse and you reel it back... It is fun to watch the kittens and even Petunia the dog go after it.




This is Kris, my sister in law, Robs wife and my mom. We just finished eating a fabulous dinner and even played a round of taboo, and then later on we played monopoly. It was fun.



This is a picture of me with Carri, my sister.



This is my mom with a few of her grandkids and even a furry friend, Periwinkle. One grandchild is in Iraq... We miss you Jesse.




This is Levi, he is shy...





This is my nephew Joshua and his dog Petunia. He is trainging her for a blind or disabled person... He already trained one, Elle, now he is doing it again.




My mom and I...



Nichole and her million dollar smile. Carri, was making a joke about picking her nose and I snapped it at the right moment. lol




This cat has so much charachter. He is the cutest fur ball ever. I want him...




My niece Nichole and her bundles of joy... She is taking care of them for the Human Society....




Of course, Sarah my other niece with the kitties...



Here they all are snuggled away together.



All the kitties.




This is my mom.


Nichole and Grandma Raccoon.

Sunday Serenity #17

What brings me peace is nature, water, and being out in the open. Here are some pictures I took of my walk down by the Columbia River....

The Columbia River

My friend couldn't meet me to go for a walk down by the Columbia River. So, I went by myself and I walked by the water and I feel so alive. Here are some pictures I took on my mini adventure... Enjoy!







The birds migrating south...

3 Months

The last three months have been one adventure after another. I got a job, one that I love. I enjoy working with Edna and Julius and the boys. They all keep me busy. It seems that when one thing ends, all these new and exciting things happen. Some have been emotional roller coaster rides, and some have been inspirational. They just pop out of nowhere. Today, while I was talking to a friend of mine and my big sister. They helped me realize that I’ve come a long way since October, where basically, the shit hit the fan. I didn’t break, I didn’t die, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, down a barren canyon of nothing. I put up my stiff upper lip and kept on living. A lot of big blessings happened during this time period. I got some things that I needed from the money I earn. I finally got a new digital camera that I’ve been wanting. And I still haven’t bitten my nails. It’s been a year since November. Yes, Amber, I got a garbage can for my kitchen. LOL I know, hard to believe. I am a bit confused about some issues, but I am well on the path that I know I must follow. The path to fulfillment and true happiness. I’m not perfect, but I’m learning to be mindful in the pursuit of my true destiny. Perfection is an illusion, that self discovery is propelling me to pursue my dreams.

My sister Joy visited and I got to spend on evening with her, showing her my apartment. Her first time here. I've lived here for 2 years. I got to go on a spectacular, unplanned, spur of the moment road trip with two sisters and my 17 year old niece, to Phoenix Oregon. Joy lives there and we were taking her home. Where we chatted, giggled, talked about all sorts of subjects. The age range is 50 to 17, so can you imagine all these women in one 2007 van, talking about ex boyfriends, current boyfriends, parents, things we see on the road, one that struck us all funny was a restaurant called Dung. We couldn’t believe it. And man, the things that women talk about in rest area bathrooms. We didn’t get home until 2:30 am, at least I didn’t. I’m liking these new experiences that are happening. It seems like you go down this dark tunnel, and then all of a sudden you see light. Something hit me, I’m realizing some things and valuing what I do have and most importantly, the many blessings in my life. There is one area that is still confusing, but it will eventually clear up. I’m just going to continue to walk down this same road and loving, valuing my true family and friends.

New Camera Joys

I got my new Kodak camera in the mail today. It is a Christmas present to myself. My old one died on me in July. I've been missing the thrill of taking pictures of the things around me and now I can. I'm so excited. My friend Amber and I are going walking down by the water front tomorrow afternoon, so be prepared. Here are some pictures that I took tonight. They are of me.

The Joys Of Children

I am busy babysitting my friend Ambers' two wonderful children, Cullen and Duncan. They are easy going and well behaved rugrats. We played football on the play station. I don't do video games, but Duncan wanted me to, so I gave in. I have to say, I can see the fascination. Cullen, who is autistic, behaved well. I was nervous, but he knows me. I got to cuddle on the couch, cook dinner for two wonderful boys, read two chapters in "The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain, and basically be a kid. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, watch the Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix. I want to get married and be a mom someday!
I know, I know, I thought I'd never say this, but watching Duncan and Cullen gave me my internal mothering instincts and also, yes, me a true committed relationship with a man. Gasp!!! You can close your jaw now. I'm not running out my door, yelling I need a man in the streets, nope, I have much growing and changing before I am ready for my Mr. Somebody just right for me and I become just right for that person. Today, just brought a little perspective of what it is I truly want in my life. Amber is probably on her way home from work and so is her lovely companion in life Russ, so I should post this and get going.

Sunday Serenity #16

I chose nature for what brings me at peace. I am excited because I am getting my new digital camera and I'll soon be able to go out into the world and take pictures of the beautiful things I see around me.

Reclaiming My Eve

I found I Goddess yesterday and so I went exploring, because after the video there was a bunch of you tube things to watch, so I went a watching. I saw Zsuzsanna Budapest, I liked how she talked, I liked what she has to say. I've been afraid of Wiccan, Goddess movements, I've read on them and I liked what I read and their teachings, but being brought up Christian. It frightened me. One thing that resonated in my heart and soul was her comments about EVe. That is where she gained some respect from me. I've always felt that in religions I was brought up in, Southern Baptist and the non denominational religions always protrayed women as evil, malicious, unworthy, distrsutful. I like what Budapest said in video three and four about Eve, the Genesis story, she called it a lying story. I have always thought this of many of the stories in the bible. The only parts that I didn't feel that way about was the Gospels, because Jesus portrayed women as healers, providers, and worthy of love and respect by men. Budapest has a ceremony that concerns Eve, and I liked it. I watched it mesmerized by the ritual and thinking hell yeah, it is about time that we realize that we are not evil, not worthy of love and we are not at fault for the sins of the world. That we are creators of life and we are capable of much more than we were ever told we were. Some people might think she is bashing men, but I don't feel that way about what she has to say. What she is saying to me is we need to value ourselves and take care of ourselves for our children and for our partners in life. We need to respect ourselves and everyone else in our lives.
The last one number 6 is the self blessing, I like it and I am going to incorperate it into my normal routine on Fridays. I ask you to watch all 6 of them, you will be enlightened by them.

I Goddess

I am learning that when one door closes, another one opens. The last couple of months have been a maze of steps. I've been stumbling, longer than the two month, more like 3 years. I'm awake, fully awake. I feel like the fool in the tarot deck, the one who is about to start on a new adventure, but then I just went through the death and the tower too. So, today, in my email this you tube video showed up, then some other magical occurances started happening. I got to talk to a couple of friends and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I have felt inspired or hopeful in a long time. I've been mindlessly going, taking care of someone else's needs and I know in my heart that it isn't right. That has to change somehow. I like this meditative movie from I Goddess, found below, that popped into my email this afternoon. Enjoy... To all the Goddess out there...

Sunday Serenity #15

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Sunday Serenity #14

Goddess

I found a cool website about Goddess Inspiration that I like. I wanted to share, here is a sample of the work.

Come On, Come Out

A Fine Frenzy, the song is called Come on, Come Out. I like her voice, the lyrics to her songs, and the way she plays.

I'm A 48

I got this from a forward of some sort, I don't know if it really came from Dr. Phil or not, but I still found it interesting. I scored a 48 on the test...

Below is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38.)
Some folks pay alot of money to find this stuff out!

Read on, this is very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate
and it only takes 2 minutes.
Ta ke this test for yourself
and send it to your friends.


Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Answers are for who you are now......
not who you were in the past.
Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept.
at many of the major corporations today.
It helps them get better insight
concerning their employees and prospective employees.
It's only 10 Simple questions, so...
grab a pencil and paper,
keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

Ready??

Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon &and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people, you ~
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with.
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud entrance
so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance,
looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance,
trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard,
and you're interrupted...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night,
in those last few moments
before going to sleep
you are..
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are..
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c ) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.





OVER 60 POINTS:


Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.


51 TO 60 POINTS:


Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quickto make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate


41 TO 50 POINTS:

< BR>Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.


31 TO 40 POINTS:


Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make, and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.


21 TO 30 POINTS:


Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively, or on the spur of the moment; expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle, and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.


UNDER 21 POINTS:


People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions, &who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well ~ know that you aren't.


Now forward this to others,
and put your score in the subject box of your e-mail,
like this:

"Dr. Phil's Test, I'm a __"

Sisters

I am thinking about my sisters, both ones that I am bonded with by blood and the ones that we are only bonded by heart and soul. Victoria, Joy Renea, Carrilee, Amber Dawn, and Amber May. I am so glad that you are all in my life and I am blessed to know you all.

For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.
Christina Rossetti



You should never look down on a sister except to pick her up.

Unknown




Sisters don't need words.

They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles

and frowns and winks

- expressions of shocked surprise

and incredulity and disbelief.

Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs

- that can undermine

any tale you're telling.

Pam Brown


Sisters are different. They heard the sobbing in the darkness.

They lived through all your triumphs, all your favorites,

all your loves and losses. They have no delusions.

They lived with you too long.

And so, when you achieve some victory, friends are delighted -

but sisters hold your hands in silence and shine with happiness.

For they know the cost.

Pam Brown

Amazing

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Sunday Serenity #12

Feng Shui is something I've been interested in for a long time. I do know that when my home and environment is in order and it manifests the balance that I need. Here is a guide that I found on Youtube that explains it...

Salvador Dali

My friend Amber and I were talking today about metamorphis' and Salvador Dali paintings. I couldn't remember what his paintings looked like, Rick, an old friend had a book of his paintings and I remembered that, but couldn't visualize just one. I enjoy his art, I discovered. I like the music that is playing along with the art. My two favorites are the lady looking out the window at the ocean and the one where there is a butterfly and a devil in the corner. It brought out a certain creativity inside of me. Some of his paintings depict Christ and such, which is so intriguing to me, the images he paints. I would have enjoyed talking to him, to see what he was thinking or dreaming. Since, some of his paintings look like they come from dreams.

It's A Wonderful World

My friend Amber's youngest boy Cullen singing It's A Wonderful World, he has autism, but his memory and showmanship is amazing. He loves to draw, sing, recite movie lines, and all sorts of things. He is a great kid.


Cullen sings "What A Wonderful World"

..

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Book Meme

1. Hardcover or paperback, and why?

I actually don't have a preference at all.

2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it…

I have never thought about this, I guess I would have to call it the Sitting Room or something like that.

3. My favorite quote from a book (mention the title) is…

I don't have one.

4. The author (alive or deceased) I would love to have lunch with would be ….

There would be several, like Virginia Woolfe, Maya Angelou, and Toni Morrison, Nora Roberts, and Sarah Ban Breathnach.

5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except the SAS survival guide, it would be…

boy, that is a tough one for me to answer.

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that….

Put into pictures what I am invisioning in my mind as I am reading, like a movie.

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of….

my dads library.

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be….

I am always the charachter in every book I read. At least in my imagination.

9. The most overestimated book of all time is….
I can't answer this question.

10. I hate it when a book…

doesn't have a plot or imagination.

Key Lime Pie

Wake Up Girl!

Another great song from Pat Benatar that I have a lot of recognition to.

Do you like the way it feels when you get hurt?
Maybe you should take a long hard look at your self-worth
There's an emptiness inside
It started many years ago
You always try to fill it up
It's a familiar place you go
One day you'll just have to wake up, girl

[Chorus]

You know you got a lot to learn
You've got to do it for yourself
Find your own direction, don't rely on someone else
You got to know it in your heart
You've got to build it up with love, it isn't hard to rise above
Wake up, you don't wanna make up
You've got to do it for yourself

I know it feels sometimes that loneliness is worse
And with every change there comes a melancholy search
Now you can walk away from this
It doesn't have to bring you down
Have faith in destiny you what goes around, comes around
You don't have to stay and take it, girl

[Chorus]

Got nowhere to run
Got nowhere to hide
These changes will come if you just open your eyes
Got nowhere to run
Got nowhere to hide

You gotta do it for yourself
You gotta know it in your heart
It isn't hard to rise above

Forgiveness

I saw this tonight, while researching forgiveness. I liked it's music and message.

Sunday Serenity #11

This is a song on Pat Benatar album Innamorta and this song I have been playing around for a week and it has helped me feel forgiveness towards Monte and what has happened between him and I. The only part is, he wasn't a lover, he was a dear friend. The part where she says, I want to replace you with forgiveness brought tears to my eyes, because I have to forgive him and myself. I wish him nothing but the best and I hope he is truly happy. I will always care and wish him nothing but the best always.

Pat Benatar
Angry:

I walk around pretending you were never here, but the smell of you is everywhere. I ache so bad for you I want to shed my skin. Trying to keep my thoughts from turning into you.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm not angry. I"m not angry anymore.

There is no wound as deep as a lover's betrayal. NO touch as tender as your lovers hand . You were so generous with both that I nearly died. Took all my dignity until there was nothing left inside. I'm not angry anymore, i'm not angry, I"m not angry anymore.

I just want to forget you, I just want to erase you, and replace you with forgiveness. I"m not angry anymore, i'm not angry, i'm not angry anymore.

YOu were so generous with both that i nearly died, I'm not angry anymore, i'm not angry, I'm not angry anymore. I just want to forget you and replace you with forgiveness. I'm not angry anymore. I'm not angry anymore.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

I found this while researching for my Sunday Serenity. I thought it was so cute, I had to share. It made me feel a bit more cheerful, as I laughed a bit, something I needed.

Sunday Serenity 10

Strong Women

I've been reading a book about different women in the world who were brave, strong, patient, and resilient in their lives or still are. I thought I'd share some of them, that I their stories to be amazing and caught my admiration.

1. Mary Magdalene is a woman that is mentioned in the bible a lot, she stood by Jesus. I want to read the Gospel of Mary Magdalene. Like many women have been during certain periods of time, she was banished and her gospel was not put into the bible. I found this site dedicated to her and it's information is truly interesting.

2. Boudicca was a Celtic queen who fought with the Brittish and the Roman soilders. I just admired her bravery.

3. Mary Wallstonecraft is a woman who fought for women's right in the 1700's. She wrote a book called "A Vindication Of The Rights Of Women."

4. Harriet Beecher Stowe the woman who wrote "Uncle Tom's Cabin". Anyone who is against slavery and is brave enough to write about it, is truly brave...

5. Susan B. Anthony another strong woman, fighting for women's liberation.

6. Mary Cassatt I like her images of art...

7. Marie Curie a scientist of physics.

8. Virginia Woolf I love her books and writing.

9. Ameila Earhart A woman aviatar.

10. Margaret Bourke-White a photographer

11. Dorothy Hodgkin another woman scientist, who got the nobel prize in Chemistry.

Carving A Pumpkin

Sunday Serenity #9

I'm On The Run

Heart Of The Matter

Quote Unquote...

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Albert Einstein

“Life is too short, and too long, to spend it being miserable. Life may indeed be short, but it is, for a fact, wide. It is high time we started settling for more.” Jill Conner Browne

“Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.” Buddha

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tag You're It!

I got this in an email today, I liked it. Thought I'd share.


I Resign!!!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8-year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&M's are better than money because
you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade
stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.

When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables,
and nursery rhymes,

but that did not bother you, because you didn't know what
you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware

of all the things that should

make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

That differences in people are a good thing.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and
be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains
of paperwork, depressing news,

how to survive more days in the month that there is
money in the bank, doctors bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow.

So... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and
all my responsibility.

I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to
catch me first, "cause,

"Tag! You're It."

More Quotes To Ponder

"There are no rules here. We're just trying to accomplish something" Thomas Edison

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" Werner Erhard

"All human unhappiness comes from not facing reality squarely, exactly as it is" Buddha

"Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens" Jimi Hendrix

"All great things begins as blasphemy." George Bernard Shaw

I am on a quoting spree this morning. I woke up this morning, after only getting 5 hours of sleep, feeling energized. I have to leave for work in a few minutes. Edna, is a fascinating lady and I enjoy going to her home and helping her out. After work, I plan on going grocery shopping and enjoy the reprieve from the rain and the sunshine that is in its place. Thank you for the sun...

Quotes For Today

"Believe in yourself, And believe that theres a loving Source-a Sower Of Dreams-just waiting to be be asked to help you make your dreams come true." Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Dreams grow holy, put in action" Adelaide Anne Proctor

"Intuition is a spiritual faculty, and does not explain but simply points the way" Florence Scovel Shinn

"Revelation is the marriage of knowing and feeling" Marya Mannes

"If we go down into ourselves we find that we possess exactly what we desire" Simone Weil

"Being grateful. That's the first step to the path of joy" Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest things on the earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." Katherine Mansfield

Every Day

">

I like this. I love Stevie Nicks.

I Am

I Am Strong
I Am flawed
I am open minded
I am not perfect
I am willing to try
I am full of potential
I am not believing the hype
I am loved
I am gifted
I am fascinating
I am woman


My sister Vickie sent me a card with this on the frong of it. She always, somehow knows when I need an uplift, and here it was in my mail box today. Oh, before I forget it is on American greeting cards.

I Want To Know What Love Is

I couldn't find a Wynonna version of this song, but it was on my same CD. Foreigner wrote and sang the song first. I remember it when I was a kid. It hit me hard, like it did today.

I Will Be!

Lately, a looming black cloud's been around me. Things are a changing and a certain person, whom I care deeply for, has decided to do another disappearing act and blame me for it. While, driving to work this morning, I put in my Wynonna Cd, one of 4 CDS that was not stolen a few weeks ago, and this song came on. I love the words and it put a brightness into my soul that I needed. Thank you, Wynonna and whoever wrote these lyrics...

WYNONNA JUDD LYRICS

"I Will Be"

Been caught in a downpour of a rain of stones
Felt like an exile in the world I had known
So I sought the shelter of my own soul
And stayed inside

I found no comfort in placing blame
I saw the hope that lay just beyond the pain
The past is a prison and I won't wear those chains
And I won't hide, oh no

[Chorus]
I will be here
I will be strong
I'll face my fears
When the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith
To a higher road
And I'm not there yet
But I will be

I could choose to keep my feet upon the beaten path
Never cross the open field for the one snake in the grass
But I'd rather risk my heart then never get the chance
To find my way, to find my way

[Repeat Chorus]

Music, Music, Music

Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without. –
Confucius, 551-479 B.C., Chinese Thinker and Social Philosopher

I will survive

I actually found the song....

Strong Enough

I like this song, it is happy, encouraging, like the Gloria Gaynor song "I Will Survive."

Neil Young - Heart of Gold

Neil YOung reminds me of my nephew Ric. He is only 3 years younger than I am. He used to listen to Neil Young and I would listen to Cass Elliot. I have some fond memories of Ric. When we were younger he and I would make cities for his toy cars, play fuse ball, ride our bikes around Longview, eat ice cream at the palor, play laser tag, and many other things. I remember when he was a baby, my first experience at the age of three holding a baby. He was my first baby. Vickie said, do you want to hold your baby? So, I did. He wasn't like baby dolls, he squirmed and cried. Strangly, he didn't cry while I was holding him, but he opened his eyes and looked at me and grabbed my finger, with his tiny hand. Our relationship is strand, a lot of crap has happened since we were children. Time, distance, and things that shouldn't have happened, did happen. I miss and I do love him.

Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence

Enough Said...

Mother Theresa

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

~ Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

At The End Of The Road

Writing, it scares me. I am not that great in the English department. I do not do well in spelling, grammar, punctuation, and all those other critical important things that it takes to be a writer. For some odd reason, my inner voice is telling me, “Jamie, Write.” I am saying this to myself “What the hell am I suppose to write about?” Yes, to be frank, I’ve lived enough lives of several different people, switching, transcending, and changing that I have lived in several different worlds. Still, despite many setbacks, death experiences, and treacherous people, I survived it all. I’m not the only person, Vickie has too and I’m sure many others. I don’t feel done yet, “Wow that sounds like I’m being put on the grill like St. Thomas”.
I feel intimidated, because, if you read my blog, you know about my sister/friend Joy. She is a writer, and though she does encourage me, I still feel intimidated by her talent. I actually, feel intimidated by a lot of people and their talent. Vickie, with her love of cooking, nature, and organization, Amber with her artistic ability and her singing, Joy with her writing, Monte with his musical talent, and I could go on forever. I’m not going to.
I have been reading about writing, Joy’s suggestion, and the first is finding your inner voice. I don’t know where my inner voice went? I think, she is here somewhere among the crap. I’ve dug her up a couple of times, she is actually looking kind of pale and frail from not being exposed to her true potential.
So, like the song “Sober” by Kelly Clarkson “And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time” I am going to try this approach. No second guessing my inner voice, or comparing myself to other people in my life, and be open to whatever happens. I’m taking a chance on my talent, discovering what it is and how to rope it in and do something with it.
So, here I go. A new road, a new path, and maybe peace, tranquility, and hope can be found with current relationships and future ones, and most importantly with me.

Sunday Serenity #11

I found this while I was searching for something. As my family and some friends know, I'm not happy right now and I'm searching for some peace of mind. I saw this and it helped me for a brief moment. I just typed the word serenity into the youtube search engine and this is one of a couple of things I found.

Bouncing Off Of Clouds

This Sunday isn't easy for me to find something that brings me peace. I was looking forward to seeing her in concert in December with a good friend, Monte. That has been dashed, yet again, like it was for me two years ago. I gave it up, because well, we are fighting. It hurts a bit, because we've done this before. It is hard to accept the end of something, someone that I felt close to, liked, could talk to about anything, and now have him say it didn't mean anything to him at all, and have him basically say, I want to be just your acquaintance now, instead of a friend. I'm not sure anymore. He is feeling stressed, honestly, I do not believe I am the cause of all of his stress, maybe some of it, but not all of it as he has claimed. Something else is going on and he doesn't want to talk to me about it and he doesn't have to. i'm sorry that he is going through so much and things are changing. Isn't friendship about excepting the changes we are going through and letting each other go through them without the anger. I can't think about him or talk to him any longer. It isn't healthy for me and it will bring the tears that I am trying hard to hold back. I wish him lucky in his life, I hope he finds the peace and understanding that he wants and needs in his life. I will always love and care about him. That is all I know for now.

Sunday Serenity #10

the roaring of the ocean, the salty smell in the air, the gritty feeling of sand on your feet all brings peace to my soul. I haven't gone to the beach in awhile. I've always wanted to go spend the weekend at the coast, with no distractions, with no one, but my own thoughts. Someday I will do this.

I Can't Sleep, UGH!

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I would be wondering how the heck that would have happened, since I just had my period and I haven't had sex in a long while.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Very few

3. How much money is in your wallet right now?
$20

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes

5. Name one thing you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
abuse

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
I can't imagine it.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
yes

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
different people at different times.

9. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
I would try not to.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
years ago.

11. What did the last text message you get say?
Yep

12. What feature do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
personality and butt.

13. Fill in the blank. I love __?
CHEESE

14. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
doing my mandalas and more weight loss.

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call first?
vickie

16. How many kids do you want?
none

17. Would you make a good parent?
I hope so

18. Where was your default picture taken?
at home

19. Whats your middle name?
Jean

20. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
writing, a certain someone, and my tarot reading.

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
just one little thing.

22. Shoe size?
10

23. What are you wearing right now?
jeans and a black shirt

24. Do you believe love is blind?
Yes

25. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
yes.

26. Best place to eat?
home

27. Describe your perfect date:
having someone come over, talking, drinking tea or coffee, and being kind to each other.

28. Favorite animal?
butterflies and dolphins

29. Favorite juice?
grape

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
yes.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
um, yes

32. Ever had plastic surgery?
no.

33. Who knows you the best?
me

34. Do you get along with your family?
for the most part.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
neither

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
no

38. Did you buy something today?
no.

39. Did you get sick today?
no

40. Do you miss someone today?
YES.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
not today

42. When is the last time you had a message?
it's been awhile

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
me

45. What made you cry?
I'd rather not say

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
I'm watching Leave It to Beaver reruns. lol I felt like being in the land of make believe where families were loving.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
well, since it is Sunday, I'm doing a few things before I go to work tonight.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
no one.

49. Are you happy?
getting there. I hope i'm not deceiving myself.

50. Could you be happier? What would it take?
a million dollars, 70 more pounds off of me, and peace and happiness in all relationships.

Visionary

Butterfly Thoughts

These pictures of butterflies were taken by my sister Vickie. She sent them to me today, I love butterflies. She lives in Alabama and they are everywhere in her garden.
The reason today, they seem so poignant is that I am going through a change myself, the catalyst that I've been in for so long is coming off. I am in a new and fuzzy place in my life right now. I'm still confused, unsure, and unstable about the path I am suppose to take, but I feel it will be revealed to me when I am truly ready. I'm tired of making plans, only to let myself down, and let other people discourage, critize, or be rude to me, as well. I don't know why it is difficult for me to stick to something, once I have made up my mind. I feel threatened, major self doubt, and all these thoughts roam through my head. It is like these dual thoughts that contradict each other constantly. Like I wrote on my Sunday Serenity, I am in a project that I want to finish and learn from. It is called Mandala, it is used for meditation and emotional healling. That is what I need. The time has come to either step up the plate or get off. So, I am stepping up, it is time. I built myself an altar, which, is a new concept and experience for me. It is an oak table, I have three candles on it, green, white, and blue and a figurine of mother Mary, and of course my intentions for my journey. I've done 3 Exercises so far, I have found some peace in them, but I also feel uncomfortable, well mainly, because of the newness of this spiritual experience. I was brought up into Christian fundamentalist religion, and all this self love and taking care of you, is considered a sin or of the devil. My sister Joy has found some freedom in expressing and illuminating some of these false ideas and concepts from her spirit. Though, she too still struggles. Though, my other sister Vickie struggles as well. Vickie is my half sister and Joy is my foster sister. My real mother passed away when I was 13, I went and lived with the Coons, who took me in. Though, they professed me as their daughter, I never actually and still don't feel as I am. It is the actions and the words that they use when they are around me. Joy, is actually the only one who I consider to be a real friend in that clan. I feel uncomfortable around the others, it is because I can't express or be myself around them at all. I loved Richard, and while he was going through the dying stage of his life, he became real and less reserved. I realize from my experience of watching people die, they realize what the true meaning of life is, and what actually is truly important in life. Richard did possess that quality. I do miss him. I actually miss the illusion that I had of being apart of a family, it was killed off by some rude comments that have been made and it hurt me to the core. Somehow, in the process that I've gone through, I have waken up to how many rude, cruel, comments have been made about me or about the things going on in my life. I grinned and bare the brutal, stinging force the words and actions have caused me. What I would say to these people now and next time I am in that position is this: "Once you have walked in my shoes, seen what I have seen, gone through what my experiences have been, then you can make decisions, comments, and judgements. Until then, you have no right, just like I have no right to dictate these things to you." I'm in a rebellous mood, can you tell?

My Dad

It is hard for me to believe that I haven't spoken to my dad in two years. His passing was one of the difficult things that I went through on my journey. He passed away two years ago, today. He is greatly missed.

Sunday Serenity #8

This Sunday, I decided to build my altar. I bought a book kit yesterday at Ross called “The Mandala Healing Kit” by Judith Cornell, PH.D. I read the introduction, and it recommended building a sacred altar for yourself. I am doing just that. I bought some candles, colors, green, white, and blue. Tonight, when I get home from work, I hope to hold my blessings for the altar and for me. Cornell, suggested that your write your intentions and keep it on your altar while you are doing the exercises. I write them down last night, and I am going through this process for inner peace and harmony and other things that are on my list. They are private and I don’t feel I should share them. A lot of personal conflicts and struggles are happening, once again. I don’t feel like going in the same circle and I must change something. I tell one person my intentions, I have to keep it for myself and I must let go of everything that was my past. It is a difficult process, but I feel in my heart it must be done. I do have some blessings and hope of the accomplishments that I have made in my life. I have a job that I enjoy, with a wonderful older lady. I do have a couple of girlfriends that I feel blessed are in my life. I have two older sisters who understand this journey that I want to explore and not holding me to beliefs that I do not share or hold dear any longer. I have to make peace with myself first, before I can actually do it with the ones that I feel are meant to be apart of my life. Anyway, I am most interested in hearing about other peoples altars, what makes them sacred and serene for them. This is a new experience for me, and it kind of feels strange, since the religion that I grew up in forbade it as evil.

Inspirational Art

Tonight, I decided to browse the internet, looking at different blogs, websites that I haven't been to in a long time. That is where Marcia Snedecor's art gave me light to my dark night. I'm in a another transition in my life, looking for the answers that I am seeking. And I am hoping that I will someday soon purchase one of her exquiste art pieces. I hope you enjoy it, as much, as I did.

Peace, Love, Joy, and Inspiration...

My first full week of work ended last Saturday. I like my new job, Edna is a wonderful, wise lady. I met her son, grandson and his wife, and it is nice to work with a family who clearly loves their mother and grandmother so. Life is full of interesting things that seem to happen in ones life. I discovered a secret about myself and also about some of the people in my life. Life changes, sometimes we are ready, sometimes we are not. I don’t know why, today, I am feeling full of wisdom, insight, and wonder at the many things that are happening around me. My friend, who has been a playboy, since I met him three years ago, found the one that he wants to marry. He told me on Friday. I am so happy for him, I am also a bit sad, because that means our relationship is going to change, but that is clouded by the happiness and pride I am taking in him and the new found changes he is making in his life. I am going to miss our late night talks and the time we spent together. Yet, I am also happy for him too. Cassandra is a wonderful woman. I hope with all my heart that this time it works out how he wants it to. I saw him today, we had one of our deep, inspirational talks, it helped in a lot of ways and I hoped it helped him too. It helped me to say goodbye to the old friendship that we had, and hello to the new one we are going to build. Hello, to the new phase in my life as well. I don’t feel compelled to help anyone, but me. It is a strange feeling, I’m used to being the caretaker, the encourager, but now, I don’t feel that dragging on me. It is a peaceful feeling. It helped to hear that I am important to him, that I matter to him, that I am a good and close friend to him. It helped knowing this and also seeing his face when he told me, he was happy with our conversation, because I am not being negative, insulting, or critical of this girl or him either, not like the ones in the pass. Well, if you knew them, you’d understand why. I am proud of him, I am proud of the growth that he is making in his life, and I am also proud of me. I am making clear cut changes, though the pruning is difficult, it is necessary for me to grow as a woman, friend, sister, aunt, and mostly for my own sake. I want more than a so, so existence. I deserve it, I want it, I crave it, and most of all, I’m striving for it. It has been three years, when the death of my life began. Now, I am seeing the green growth of my life, in my body, mind, soul, and spirit. My sister Vickie is coming the first week in November, I’m so looking forward to that visit. I’m excited, because, well, I haven’t seen her in awhile, not only that. I want her to see the woman that I am now, not the one I was in 2002, when she saw me in my environment. I admire, Vickie so much, she is a wise woman, helped me out of my mental anguish, because she has lived the life that I lived. She is so much happier, healthier than she was before. I am proud of her too. I, actually, have a couple of awesome women in my life, who have gone before me. I also have a couple of awesome friends in my life too. Monte is one of them. I am sending him blessings and Cassandra too. I am also sending blessings to Vickie, Joy, Carri, Amber Dawn, Amber May, and my friend Christina. I wish them happiness, love, joy, and peace that lasts…

Butterfly

I saw this video, while browsing. I love butterflies. They are graceful, beautiful, and peaceful creatures.

Sunday Serenity #8

This is one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, it is called liquid diamonds. My favorite part is the chorus that says: "I guess I'm an underwater thing so I
Guess I can't take it personally
I guess I'm an underwater thing I'm
Liquid running
There's a sea secret in me
It's plain to see it is rising
But I must be flowing liquid diamonds
Calling for my soul
At the corners of the world
I know she's playing poker with the rest of the stragglers" Solitude is a great thing, calling for yourself from all the corners of your mind, freeing yourself from the bondage of the negative doubts about the life that is around you. I got my music stolen, all my Tori Amos CDS are gone, and so is the necklace that my dad gave me when he went to Romania. There are a lot of changes, maybe that is exactly what true serenity, accepting the changes, obstacles, and negative things and still being happy and willing to still live, despite the shit in life.

Rules For Being Human

I got this in an email tonight, it is where I am at, this moment in time.

"RULES FOR BEING HUMAN":
RULE #1: You will learn lessons.
RULE #2: There are no mistakes--only lessons.
RULE #3: A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
RULE #4: If you don't learn the easy lessons, they get harder.
RULE #5: You'll know you've learned a lesson when your actions change.

-John C. Maxwell

Favorite Bands A To Z

Favorite Bands From A To Z:

A: Tori Amos
B: Pat Benetar
C: Chicago
D: Danzig
E: Eagles
F: Foo Fighters
G: Go Go’s
H: Heart
I: Janis Ian
J: Journey
K: The Killers
L: Lynyrd Skynyrd
M: Madonna
N: Nirvana
O: Olivia
P: Poison
Q: Queen
R: Ratt
S: Donna Summer
T: Thin Lizzy
U: Keith Urban
V: Sarah Vaughn
W: Weezer
X: ?
Y: Yes
Z: Z Z Top

Radiant Affirmation

I got this affirmation from my Goddess newsletter that I received. Here is the address if you are interested. goddess.com.au The reason this affirmation spoke to my spirit, I needed joy, love, and peace in my existence. It disappeared into the shadows of darkness and I am hoping saying this to myself will increase the flow of energy to maintain and keep my spirit growing. I have made some plans, decisions, and things seem to be progressing in my life. I love my job, Edna is a joy to work with and I feel like I can offer service. Things are growing and progressing, there is one thing on my mind that I am hoping will grow and become stronger, as well. I hope my dreams and desires come true.

~ I radiate love
~ I shine with joy
~ My smile comes easily
~ My peace is shared peace
~ I choose joy over sorrow
~ Hard times make me stronger
~ I blossom in response to adversity
~ I have great joy, and therefore great energy

Quote Of The Day!

The road to a friend's house is never long. – Danish Proverb


I got this quote in an email and I liked it. It is true, friends are awesome. The few close ones I have, I am so grateful for.

Cribbage And Other New Experiences

I had my first night of work, it went well. I played two hands of Cribbage with Edna tonight. It brought back old memories of playing with my dad and Uncle Don when we went camping with them in Idaho, after my junior year in high school. I quickly renewed my game playing skills and Edna enjoyed herself. This job is going to be easy and I can tell that we are going to get along. After work, I drove to Longview and visited with my old friend Amber. My other friend Amber, who was going to meet up with us, got called into graveyard duty. She is a Sheriff for Vancouver Washington. So, it was just me and Amber, we had a heart to heart talk, I told her about my plans with our mutual friend Monte, the month break that I feel I need to take for me, and she agreed. She is having problems of her own in her live in relationship and we were able to talk and even giggled a few times. It was a happy event. We went to Denny’s and ate nachos and drank cokes like we use to in high school, except it wasn’t Toppers. I am extremely tired, since it is almost 2 in the morning here in the North West, so, goodnight and sweet dreams everyone.

Sunday Serenity #7

To be honest, I truthfully don’t know what brings me serenity. Serenity means: being calm, untroubled, and cloudless in your mind and spirit. I have never really felt serene, at least right now, it is hard for to imagine what that feels like. All I know at this moment that I must get to that point in my life. I am lifting my hands up in the air, trying a new approach to my life and seeing what happens, going down a different path. I have to, if I don’t, I will drive myself crazy and not truly reach a transformation that I know I must make. I am getting ready to take a hot bath, listen to some Tori Amos (I know I enjoy her music) and listen to my soul, heart, and thoughts, without getting obsessive about what is going wrong and that feeling of helplessness. When I was so much younger, I was able to say “oh well, that is life”, now at 33, it is difficult for me to say that. Life does change, I’m releasing myself from the bondage of my negative thoughts and actions, that ultimately destroys me and going down a new path.

Inner Wisdom Of Jamie

A lot of different things have been happening in the last few months. I have stopped writing on my blog and I’ve stopped virtually being myself. I am not liking this part of me. The definition of insanity is doing something over and over expecting a different result. Starting today, this month, I am withdrawing and concentrating on my inner and physical health, which is in jeopardy. I have always said that I wanted to do this, truthfully, I have never done it. I need to listen to my inner core voice and be the wonderful woman that I know I am. I have gone through many changes in the past three years and I know that I need to do some more changing. To my friends and family, if I am not contacting you or calling you as much as I normally do, don’t take offense to it. I love you, I am just taking a sabbatical and listening to Jamie and the secrets of her heart and taking care of me.
On a chipper note, I got a new job. I am starting it tonight. I am excited and nervous and after work tonight me and my two Ambers are getting together and having a semi girls night out. I am looking forward to it. A lot of people that I haven’t talked to in a long time are coming out of the woodwork. The one friend, who I have based my life on, in part, is doing what he normally does, disappearing and being himself, and I’m not taking it personally, I am taking it as an opportunity for me to grow as a woman, friend, and family member in my life. He is still loved and cared about. I am listening to the inner wisdom of Jamie, thinking mindfully and doing what I feel is best. He needs time, so do I. I wish him happiness and normally, I would think we weren’t friends anymore, but not this time. We are, and he is valued and loved by me and I am hoping that it is the same on his side and I am trusting that our friendship bond is strong and capable of dealing with this same issue again and that the insanity of me thinking negative thoughts will stop, I’m trying a different approach than I normally do. Normally, I would hunt him down and make him talk to me, but that has always caused problems. Frankly, I am tired of discussing our issues and I don’t want to think about it any longer and neither does he. He knows I am here for him anytime and in some part I think he is there for me too. I am sending Monte blessings and contentment in his life at this moment, as, I am sending to everyone that I know in my entire life. I think I am finally growing up…

Sober

Kelly Clarkson Lyrics

Main Jane, Oh My...

This took me by surprise in a way, but oh well, I guess it can be true...

Which PLAIN Jane Are You? Main Jane

As the leader of the pack, you are always looking out for your friends and working to make your group pretty tight knit.

Take This Quiz More Quizzes

Wild Hogs

I just watched this movie tonight. I laughed so hard. I connected to all the charachters, my favorite charachter was Dudley played by W.H. Macy, because well he is a Klutz and just a loveable charachter. All the charachters were loveable and awesome. And the ending was awesome... I recommend anyone to watch this movie and have the best night of laughter ever...

I'm So Excited

I'm going to see Tori Amos in concert on December 4th, 2007 at the Arlene Schnetzer Theatre in Portland Oregon. My friend bought me a ticket to see her. This is one of my favorite songs that she has written. I'm looking forward to this performance. I enjoy her music a lot, she is a deep thinker, passionate writer, singer, and piano player. I like her religious symbolisms in her songs and the way she thinks too.

PIZZA

What Your Pizza Reveals

Your appetite is pretty average. You don't go overboard - but you don't deprive yourself either. You consider pizza to be bread... very good bread. You fit in best in the Midwest part of the US. Your taste in food tends to favor what's rich and comforting. You prefer food that will definitely satisfy you. You are generous, outgoing, and considerate with your choices. You are cultured and intellectual. You should consider traveling to Vienna. The stereotype that best fits you is upper class preppy. You don't anything too ordinary or vulgar.

What Does Your Pizza Say About You?