Goodbye To The Old, Hello To The New

I am finding it hard to say goodbye. Has anyone ever had that trouble? I love Madonna and I especially love the song "The Power Of Goodbye".  

I'm Alright

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer


When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
 
 
While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him.  The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore.  Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog.  Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose.  My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely.  Well, I need to get going...

Can You Guess What Kind Of Mood I'm In?

Trach To Trachless

Back To Myself

What a journey I've been on for the last month. July 20th was suppose to be a normal routine one day surgery and then I could go home. Did not end up that way. My brother Rob came with me, as everyone else, sisters Carri, Joy, Vickie were all busy and unable to stay with me. I thought everything would  be just fine, as I've had the procedure before. Nope, my vocal cords decided to spasm and cause the doctors a problem and myself a problem with breathing. I was incubated for one week, they cut a trek into my throat. Still there, not the actual trek, but the hole of the trek. I feel like a whale with the blow hole. A strange sensation when you sneezes come out of your throat and not your nose. I had many hallucinations in the ICU, which caused my family to worry about me. Being so long without oxygen was the cause. I cannot remember my family being there, the medicine they gave me caused amnesia, thank God for that, because apparently I had some amazing visions. This last surgery worked and I am grateful to Dr. Anderson for all his help and his skill as an ENT. He is a very compassionate doctor and I would recommend him. It has taken me a long time to find doctors who cared, years in fact I was going through this whole ordeal and no one would help. I decided to keep looking and finally my prayers were answered and Doctor Houghton recommended doctor Anderson. I spent one month in the hospital, just got home on Wednesday.I spent two weeks in rehab learning to walk and function again. I still feel wobbly, and unsure about many things. I am usually an independent person, asking for help is a big stress for me. I made some decisions though, one is to get back to my authentic self and take care of me. For years I've been focusing on someone else and it turned out to be extremely unhealthy. Secondly, I will let my family help me without the guilt. My sister Joy stayed with me from Wednesday night until Sunday. I loved her company and we've watched all 5 DVDs that I had out of my Netflix account. Get Smart, Next, Saving Grace season one, Monk season 5, and Criminal Minds season 3. More will be coming. I am changing my routine, and not isolate myself inside of my apartment. All I can say is that this whole experience has become a big learning experience for me. I learned that I had true LOVE with my family, my  brother Rob stayed by my bed when he wasn't working, reading to me. Because it took a week for the rest of the family to get there. So, he was alone for a week dealing with watching me in a bad situation. I am grateful to him, because I haven't felt particularly close to him over the years. It was nice to know that he loves me. Then Carri, driving our mom down to the hospital and organizing, doing, and accomplishing what I needed. And sticking up for me when certain people weren't painting me in a good light. Thank you Carri for all that you did. My mom for loving me, sitting with me, even though it was uncomfortable. Joy you too, thank you.Vickie for flying out here from Alabama to see me, and helping organize my finances while I was unable to.  I have an amazing family.  My friends that wrote me amazing messages on Facebook, Amber for visiting me in the hospital and the amazing orchids she gave me. Mandy for the card and the words of encouragement. Sarah, Bianca, Julie, Amber S for the same words of encouragement means a lot to me.

"Human skin is porous; the world flows through you. Your senses are large pores that let the world in. By being attuned to the wisdom of your senses, you will never become an exile in your own life, an outsider lost in an external spiritual place that your will and intellect, have constructed — John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom) ."

  

What's Love?

"No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest." John O'Donohue (Anam Cara)

Flower Power!

“And so here is the hard part: We have to go into the sludge and look for it all. Like La Llorona, we have to drag the river for our soul life, for our creative lives. And one more thing, also difficult: We must clean up the river so La Llornona can see, so she and we can find the souls of the children and be at peace to create again.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes   

Sunday Serenity

Planet Earth

Watched the BBC "Planet Earth" disc three today. Wolves were shown on the "Great Plains" episode, along with some beautiful creatures. Amazing how all these creatures survive and live thru all sorts of disasters and enemies who are out to feed off of them.

Instrument Of Peace

Lips Unsealed

Just read Belinda Carlisle's memoir "Lips Unsealed" about her life, her thoughts, and her miraculous healing from addiction from drugs and alcohol. I love Belinda Carlisle, her style, her attitude, her voice, and most of all her ability to transform herself. So, was surprised by her expressing a lack of self worth and esteem. Personally, and I'm sure not the only person who believes this, but she's a beauty. I enjoyed her memoir a lot, and felt that she was being real about her life, not unlike some memoirs you read and you feel that the person is not being real about anything. It's a great memoir and worth the time to read, especially if you are a fan.

Loving My Planet

I'm watching disc two of the BBC Planet Earth Series. This disc includes "Caves", "Desert", and "Ice Worlds". I absolutely love the two discs of this series that I've seen so far and can't wait until the other three come my way. Despite the anger that I'm feeling about the oil spill and the selfish, thoughtless acts that BP has done to our resources. I cannot help but in awe of our planet and all the critters, humans, and plant life that's all around us. We are stewards of the planet, so shouldn't we be respectful and nurturing to it? We do have to live here and we are suppose to be the smartest species, sometimes I do wonder if that's true. Anyway, just a small reminder to be nurturing to myself and to the other living things on our planet...

The Most Powerful Computer

The Brain... Amazing how powerful that walnut looking body part is. Every part of our body is controlled by some cortex of the brain and then we don't think about the care or maintenance required to sustain our lives. You are considered dead when you're brain is not functioning, even when your heart is beating, you are still gone. You are off line, not connected to your body anymore. The reason I've started on a rambling musing about the brain centers on the fact Saturday I went to a seminar with my sister Carri and several women discussing abuse, trauma, and development of the brain. And guess what happened, my fascination and curiosity followed. The speaker Partricia Warford captured my intellectual mind with her entire speech. I never realized how we developed in the womb, and how soon we actually start connecting outside the womb. Ten days after conception we start noticing, hearing, and feeling our mother. We can hear her, even thru all the gunk, we hear her. Then at three months your hearing is even stronger and you start recognizing outside, such as your father or siblings and we are drawn to that relationship. That's amazing to me. That helps our brain acquire language skills. Language I learned, is centered in the part of the brain that our emotions are in. So emotions and language are so connected. Warford got me to analyzing myself in so many ways and how to nurture your brain for healing and especially from the trauma sustained thru life. No wonder so many problematic fractures such as PTSD, RADS, and others have happened. Food for thought, food for considering the importance of nurture becomes to individuals. I took so many notes, but want to do some more research before sharing them all. So more posts will eventually be written.

Book Giveaway

My lovely sister Joy generously is hosting a giveaway on a book titled "The Cast Aways" GO sigh up for the chance to win a new summer read.

Serenity

Grace And Gratitude

Olivia Newton-Johns starred in the DVD that I watched by Deepak Chopra "The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success", she wrote and sang on the DVD and brought back the fact that I love her and her music and her spiritual journey. I want her CD "Grace And Gratitude" and will get the CD soon. The Chopra DVD is very good and inspirational, informative, and challenging.

Up In The Air

Last night before dreamland, I watched George Clooney's Movie "Up In The Air. Absolutely, loved the movie, could be simply that George Clooney charm and talent brings a certain quality to the story or the fact, that the story hit a certain spot. It's both, at least to me. Watch this movie and enjoy humor, tenderness, romance, and love, all sorts of love between all the individuals involved, that quality made the story stand out the most to me.