Change

This week this song says it all for my journey.

The End

Writing an ending to a story that’s fictional cannot be easy, these revelations came to me because I just wrote the ending to a chapter of one aspect of my story today. When fiction’s being written you can write up all sorts of scenarios to end the story, such as, someone tripping and going through a propeller blade and being scattered or a menacing man walks up the villain and whacks him in the head or they are laying in bed together and the ceiling comes crashing down on them or the lady realizes her true potential, walks away joyously and tells the guy fuck off as she walks away. All these sound so inviting to me. Yes, I do have a dark side, that I don’t like much, but realize I must embrace because it’s an aspect that’s apart of me and if I don’t accept that aspect then I don’t accept me. Since I cannot be creative in my ending, I just have to accept that and just make the ending as good as I can. So I wrote a letter telling the person I am ending our story, farewell. I feel, relieved, even though, the dark Jamie would have liked to see the person mauled by a bear and eaten. Like that’s going to happen in a city, oh darn it. The fact remains that I care about this person, despite the deviancies in our friendship. I am also not ashamed of the fact that I have also chosen to forgive them and send them love, but for a brief moment before the revelation of LOVE hit, I wanted to kick some ass and make them hurt, like I was hurting.

I got some good news yesterday from the Rhematologist, the inflammation in my blood gone down and that makes me so happy, even though my breathing is getting worse from the scar tissue in my throat, at least one aspect of my new path of achieving good health is working. That gives me great hope and enjoyment. I have noticed that the medication been working, I am able to do things without pain. I am happy, I am going to be dancing in the streets when the scar tissue is conquered and I am able to run around and be me again. Actually, I’ve been slowly getting back to me again with new experiences and even discovering old ones that I have not done in years. I’m more aware of things then I use to be and so I don’t believe anything’s been a waste of time, even dysfunctional relationships that I had to recently write the ending to. 

Essential Ingredients

I read a complete book “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister and I am now 100 pages into “Angel Time” by Anne Rice both excellent books. I completed four lessons in “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, which consisted of me writing letters to myself. I found this difficult  but managed to do it and felt much relief after accomplishing the task.

A surprise happened on Sunday, an old friend requested to by my friend on Face Book, which if anyone knows the story would find it rather shocking. I accepted, but have found some sort of enlightenment in the hand that’s been reached out towards me.  I am still assimilating what this means and what our new found communication looks like. It’s been five years since we’ve been on good speaking terms.

This week, I’ll hopefully finish “Angel Time” by Anne Rice and do the work in “A Course In Weight Loss”. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, hopefully some more answers will be revealed. I am just taking one step at a time. I am enjoying my furry friend, Nicholas and the peacefulness of not having a dramatic roller coaster ride to sit on. Life is good. I cannot complain. 

The Beginning

The first week of the year just ended. I ordered myself seven books to read while I’m in the process of healing from another surgery. This time I chose stories that weren’t doctor oriented and scary such as the Frankenstein series by Dean Koontz. I learned my lesson, do not ever read a scary story before going into surgery, because you never know what you will be hallucinating while under the influence of drugs they give you to knock you out. And I was living in my hallucinations the story of Frankenstein and using my own characters and family as part of my story, not a good thing.

My breathing issue returned I feel it. I am more aware of it than I have ever been. The closing off of my airway, gasping for air while I do my chores, or walk to my mailbox, or even around the grocery store becomes an ingredient in the choices that I make. Dr. Anderson could be injecting a cell killer to stop the scar tissue from growing; he’s reluctant because the stuff is highly toxic. You have to put it exactly where you want it and leave on for a certain amount of time. It takes precision, I believe in Dr. Anderson. He’s been the most caring doctor that I’ve had. Luckily, I have 3 of them on my team and so I don’t feel alone. Even though my family is aware of my circumstances, they cannot imagine that ordeal of losing the ability to breathe takes to ones spirit, emotions, and physical ness. There are no words to describe the terrifying feeling or even the sense of hopelessness. 

So this week my plans are to watch Hamlet with Patrick Stewart. Oh how I love this mans acting. And read one of the 10 books that I am now in possession of thanks to my sister in law Kris and to Barnes and Nobles whom I bought some books from. The first book I’ll start will be “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister. The title jumped out at me, because I love to cook. Though I have not had a chance to do it for quite some time. I am also starting “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson. I am doing this deep soul work along with the eating plan of Jorge Cruise. My sister in law and her family have started doing it, so it’s encouraged me to get back into the program. I’ve lost my ump for life. This week will be a blast. 

New Year

I cannot believe a year’s been here and the end apparently so close. My mind’s swirling with the journey I took. I feel as though I took a trip to Africa, Italy, Egypt, Ireland, Japan, and back to my own nest. I am more than positive most of you know the biggest event of the year, my month long stay at South West Washington Medical Center here in Vancouver, Washington. I feel truly blessed with a wonderful doctor who despite my spastic vocal cord kept me going. The nurses, even the ones who took care of me while I hallucinated many fantastic images kept right on working and showing me great respect anyway. I hear I’m feisty when I am not fully myself. So they deserve high praise for their calm demeanor while I became a crazy lady.

I learned lot with my experience, the love and support of my family and friends while weak and discovering the ones who weren’t such great family and friends.  2011 will be a year of more self-discovery and the journey to good health. I will have a great year.

How To Train Your Dragon.

On the recommendation from my nephew Jesse, who happens to love DRAGONS he loaned me his DVD copy of "How To Train Your Dragon". I am not a big fantasy fan yet I fell in love with the reptile in  "How To Train Your Dragon" named Toothless.  Even though his head was shaped like a snake and he would throw out fire from his mouth, he seemed playful as a dog or a cat. I don't know if Toothless changed my views on reptiles, I am willing to see that they want to live like the rest of us and maybe I won't be so apt to run away screaming. I identified with the character Hiccup and the relationships he experienced from his family and his tribe. If I had the chance to kill a dragon or even a reptile I wouldn't be able to do it either. Adult and children will both enjoy this film and enjoy the story, the animation, and the expression of the Dragons. Watch it, that's my recommendation. And thank you Jesse for the recommendation and letting your aunt borrow your DVD.

Nicholas

Meet Nicholas, my new pet. I adopted him from my niece. Six months old, rumbustious, and full of life he is. 

Obstalces And Fear

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~Orison Swett Marden

Pain, Do Not Avoid.

"Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. However, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble." Caroline Myss (Anatomy Of The Spirit)

On my journey through my throat surgery, painful loss's have perpetually engulfed me. I had many people tell me that I'm not living a life where God can bless me. My thoughts to these accusations is how do you know? Maybe, just maybe my experiences are teaching me to appreciate my life and maybe these obstacles and truly blessings in themselves. Life is painful, yet, somehow we expect God and prayer to magically fix everything, but how do you classify a fix? My journey taught me many lessons, perserverance, patiences, appreciation, love, thankfulness, and most of all how to engage myself into not judging others and their afflictions.  Each step that I took on my path to healing was apparently meant to be  for me to value myself and the people who actually love me and to allievate me from the falseness of the people who do not love me.  That's my journey now, healing, and directing my life in a different way. The process is painful, but well worth it.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Goodbye To The Old, Hello To The New

I am finding it hard to say goodbye. Has anyone ever had that trouble? I love Madonna and I especially love the song "The Power Of Goodbye".  

I'm Alright

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer


When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
 
 
While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him.  The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore.  Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog.  Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose.  My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely.  Well, I need to get going...

Can You Guess What Kind Of Mood I'm In?

Trach To Trachless

Back To Myself

What a journey I've been on for the last month. July 20th was suppose to be a normal routine one day surgery and then I could go home. Did not end up that way. My brother Rob came with me, as everyone else, sisters Carri, Joy, Vickie were all busy and unable to stay with me. I thought everything would  be just fine, as I've had the procedure before. Nope, my vocal cords decided to spasm and cause the doctors a problem and myself a problem with breathing. I was incubated for one week, they cut a trek into my throat. Still there, not the actual trek, but the hole of the trek. I feel like a whale with the blow hole. A strange sensation when you sneezes come out of your throat and not your nose. I had many hallucinations in the ICU, which caused my family to worry about me. Being so long without oxygen was the cause. I cannot remember my family being there, the medicine they gave me caused amnesia, thank God for that, because apparently I had some amazing visions. This last surgery worked and I am grateful to Dr. Anderson for all his help and his skill as an ENT. He is a very compassionate doctor and I would recommend him. It has taken me a long time to find doctors who cared, years in fact I was going through this whole ordeal and no one would help. I decided to keep looking and finally my prayers were answered and Doctor Houghton recommended doctor Anderson. I spent one month in the hospital, just got home on Wednesday.I spent two weeks in rehab learning to walk and function again. I still feel wobbly, and unsure about many things. I am usually an independent person, asking for help is a big stress for me. I made some decisions though, one is to get back to my authentic self and take care of me. For years I've been focusing on someone else and it turned out to be extremely unhealthy. Secondly, I will let my family help me without the guilt. My sister Joy stayed with me from Wednesday night until Sunday. I loved her company and we've watched all 5 DVDs that I had out of my Netflix account. Get Smart, Next, Saving Grace season one, Monk season 5, and Criminal Minds season 3. More will be coming. I am changing my routine, and not isolate myself inside of my apartment. All I can say is that this whole experience has become a big learning experience for me. I learned that I had true LOVE with my family, my  brother Rob stayed by my bed when he wasn't working, reading to me. Because it took a week for the rest of the family to get there. So, he was alone for a week dealing with watching me in a bad situation. I am grateful to him, because I haven't felt particularly close to him over the years. It was nice to know that he loves me. Then Carri, driving our mom down to the hospital and organizing, doing, and accomplishing what I needed. And sticking up for me when certain people weren't painting me in a good light. Thank you Carri for all that you did. My mom for loving me, sitting with me, even though it was uncomfortable. Joy you too, thank you.Vickie for flying out here from Alabama to see me, and helping organize my finances while I was unable to.  I have an amazing family.  My friends that wrote me amazing messages on Facebook, Amber for visiting me in the hospital and the amazing orchids she gave me. Mandy for the card and the words of encouragement. Sarah, Bianca, Julie, Amber S for the same words of encouragement means a lot to me.

"Human skin is porous; the world flows through you. Your senses are large pores that let the world in. By being attuned to the wisdom of your senses, you will never become an exile in your own life, an outsider lost in an external spiritual place that your will and intellect, have constructed — John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom) ."

  

What's Love?

"No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest." John O'Donohue (Anam Cara)

Flower Power!

“And so here is the hard part: We have to go into the sludge and look for it all. Like La Llorona, we have to drag the river for our soul life, for our creative lives. And one more thing, also difficult: We must clean up the river so La Llornona can see, so she and we can find the souls of the children and be at peace to create again.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes