Spring, I'm So Excited!

Two Diva's That I Love

Road Trip!

I will be going on a road trip to Bend Oregon with one of my sisters today, it's 3 hours from Vancouver Washington and it will be fun. I enjoy hanging out with Carri, visiting, listening to music, and watching the scenery go by. A friend of ours is getting married today and it will be a celebration of love. I will be basting in this celebration, enjoying watching my friend happy and content in her new journey that she's taking on. I will miss my fur buddy, Nicholas as I leave him behind, but I know that he'll be waiting patiently for me to come home. That is a nice feeling. Enjoy your Saturday and remember to say I love you to the people in your life.

Bread

I love bread; no I’m not talking about the musical group Bread even though I do enjoy their music. I’m speaking about the stuff we make sandwiches with, love the smell of when baking in the oven and makes us feel safe and warm. My birth mom use to make home made bread when she felt good and I loved it as a child and I have warm fuzzy memories of those rare occasions. Lately, I’ve been thinking about trying my hand at making bread, I especially love artisan bread and would love to learn to make it. I received a magazine from the cooking club with articles in it on how to make artisan bread. Eureka, I felt a slight twinge of delight of lollipop fantasies of me making my own artisan bread. I would love to make a healthier version instead of using the bleached white flour, maybe try combinations of healthier flours, I don’t know if it’s possible but I want to try. To top it all off, a few ago my mom (the one who chose to become my mom) gave me her old 60’s mixer. It’s in wonderful shape and I use to make things in it and have warm memories of using it. I believe the universe is talking to me, “Jamie, it’s time to make bread now, so get off your duff and do it.”  So if you come by my house and there’s flour all over the counter top, you hear a mixer whirling, you’ll know why and what I want to accomplish. Now I just need to get off my duff and do it, instead of letting the sick mind of mine telling me that I’m crazy or I can’t do it. Well I’m off, I won’t be making it today, busy weekend, but hopeful when I do my next shopping trip I’ll have different types of flours in my cart to experiment with. Has anyone used any type of flour besides bleached white flour to make bread? If so, let me know how it went and if it’s good or not I would love to hear your triumphs.

Warm fuzzies

I just ordered myself several Disney movies that are supposedly going back into the vault at the end of this month, Snow White, Pinochio, and Mary Poppins. I am giddy with anticipation in receiving them in the mail. I enjoy this remix someone did of the song in Snow White... Enjoy!

Eureeka I Found My Treasure!

“A strong woman knows what to do. She must pick up the paddles and with all her courage row out there, to her very own portion of the sea. She may have to row around in circles a bit, or dive down some, but soon she will spot them either bobbing in the water or resting on the floor of the sea, the treasures she thought she had lost for good. Whether a heart full of love, or a soul that once prayed or a mind that loved learning or the body that felt better, they are still her treasures and are waiting to be reclaimed.” Christine Lemmon

This week’s been a collage of different challenges and opportunities to learn something about myself. I went and got my cat scan, the results showed an improvement that makes my heart sing. I am currently doing the happy dance and feel up to planning something more than what I’ve been doing the last few months, since my last surgery. I feel as though I’ve turned the page and am now ready to write the next chapter of my life. Feels great!

Processing

I am still processing a load of emotions. I don't know why the architecture of this building brought a sense of well being to me, I just know that it did. I will be getting the results from my contrast dye CAT scan on Tuesday. My body is letting me know that my trachea is getting worse since the last one in December. I am just getting tired of being in this same old position and that is one of many things I am processing. 

Change

This week this song says it all for my journey.

The End

Writing an ending to a story that’s fictional cannot be easy, these revelations came to me because I just wrote the ending to a chapter of one aspect of my story today. When fiction’s being written you can write up all sorts of scenarios to end the story, such as, someone tripping and going through a propeller blade and being scattered or a menacing man walks up the villain and whacks him in the head or they are laying in bed together and the ceiling comes crashing down on them or the lady realizes her true potential, walks away joyously and tells the guy fuck off as she walks away. All these sound so inviting to me. Yes, I do have a dark side, that I don’t like much, but realize I must embrace because it’s an aspect that’s apart of me and if I don’t accept that aspect then I don’t accept me. Since I cannot be creative in my ending, I just have to accept that and just make the ending as good as I can. So I wrote a letter telling the person I am ending our story, farewell. I feel, relieved, even though, the dark Jamie would have liked to see the person mauled by a bear and eaten. Like that’s going to happen in a city, oh darn it. The fact remains that I care about this person, despite the deviancies in our friendship. I am also not ashamed of the fact that I have also chosen to forgive them and send them love, but for a brief moment before the revelation of LOVE hit, I wanted to kick some ass and make them hurt, like I was hurting.

I got some good news yesterday from the Rhematologist, the inflammation in my blood gone down and that makes me so happy, even though my breathing is getting worse from the scar tissue in my throat, at least one aspect of my new path of achieving good health is working. That gives me great hope and enjoyment. I have noticed that the medication been working, I am able to do things without pain. I am happy, I am going to be dancing in the streets when the scar tissue is conquered and I am able to run around and be me again. Actually, I’ve been slowly getting back to me again with new experiences and even discovering old ones that I have not done in years. I’m more aware of things then I use to be and so I don’t believe anything’s been a waste of time, even dysfunctional relationships that I had to recently write the ending to. 

Essential Ingredients

I read a complete book “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister and I am now 100 pages into “Angel Time” by Anne Rice both excellent books. I completed four lessons in “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, which consisted of me writing letters to myself. I found this difficult  but managed to do it and felt much relief after accomplishing the task.

A surprise happened on Sunday, an old friend requested to by my friend on Face Book, which if anyone knows the story would find it rather shocking. I accepted, but have found some sort of enlightenment in the hand that’s been reached out towards me.  I am still assimilating what this means and what our new found communication looks like. It’s been five years since we’ve been on good speaking terms.

This week, I’ll hopefully finish “Angel Time” by Anne Rice and do the work in “A Course In Weight Loss”. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, hopefully some more answers will be revealed. I am just taking one step at a time. I am enjoying my furry friend, Nicholas and the peacefulness of not having a dramatic roller coaster ride to sit on. Life is good. I cannot complain. 

The Beginning

The first week of the year just ended. I ordered myself seven books to read while I’m in the process of healing from another surgery. This time I chose stories that weren’t doctor oriented and scary such as the Frankenstein series by Dean Koontz. I learned my lesson, do not ever read a scary story before going into surgery, because you never know what you will be hallucinating while under the influence of drugs they give you to knock you out. And I was living in my hallucinations the story of Frankenstein and using my own characters and family as part of my story, not a good thing.

My breathing issue returned I feel it. I am more aware of it than I have ever been. The closing off of my airway, gasping for air while I do my chores, or walk to my mailbox, or even around the grocery store becomes an ingredient in the choices that I make. Dr. Anderson could be injecting a cell killer to stop the scar tissue from growing; he’s reluctant because the stuff is highly toxic. You have to put it exactly where you want it and leave on for a certain amount of time. It takes precision, I believe in Dr. Anderson. He’s been the most caring doctor that I’ve had. Luckily, I have 3 of them on my team and so I don’t feel alone. Even though my family is aware of my circumstances, they cannot imagine that ordeal of losing the ability to breathe takes to ones spirit, emotions, and physical ness. There are no words to describe the terrifying feeling or even the sense of hopelessness. 

So this week my plans are to watch Hamlet with Patrick Stewart. Oh how I love this mans acting. And read one of the 10 books that I am now in possession of thanks to my sister in law Kris and to Barnes and Nobles whom I bought some books from. The first book I’ll start will be “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister. The title jumped out at me, because I love to cook. Though I have not had a chance to do it for quite some time. I am also starting “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson. I am doing this deep soul work along with the eating plan of Jorge Cruise. My sister in law and her family have started doing it, so it’s encouraged me to get back into the program. I’ve lost my ump for life. This week will be a blast. 

New Year

I cannot believe a year’s been here and the end apparently so close. My mind’s swirling with the journey I took. I feel as though I took a trip to Africa, Italy, Egypt, Ireland, Japan, and back to my own nest. I am more than positive most of you know the biggest event of the year, my month long stay at South West Washington Medical Center here in Vancouver, Washington. I feel truly blessed with a wonderful doctor who despite my spastic vocal cord kept me going. The nurses, even the ones who took care of me while I hallucinated many fantastic images kept right on working and showing me great respect anyway. I hear I’m feisty when I am not fully myself. So they deserve high praise for their calm demeanor while I became a crazy lady.

I learned lot with my experience, the love and support of my family and friends while weak and discovering the ones who weren’t such great family and friends.  2011 will be a year of more self-discovery and the journey to good health. I will have a great year.

How To Train Your Dragon.

On the recommendation from my nephew Jesse, who happens to love DRAGONS he loaned me his DVD copy of "How To Train Your Dragon". I am not a big fantasy fan yet I fell in love with the reptile in  "How To Train Your Dragon" named Toothless.  Even though his head was shaped like a snake and he would throw out fire from his mouth, he seemed playful as a dog or a cat. I don't know if Toothless changed my views on reptiles, I am willing to see that they want to live like the rest of us and maybe I won't be so apt to run away screaming. I identified with the character Hiccup and the relationships he experienced from his family and his tribe. If I had the chance to kill a dragon or even a reptile I wouldn't be able to do it either. Adult and children will both enjoy this film and enjoy the story, the animation, and the expression of the Dragons. Watch it, that's my recommendation. And thank you Jesse for the recommendation and letting your aunt borrow your DVD.

Nicholas

Meet Nicholas, my new pet. I adopted him from my niece. Six months old, rumbustious, and full of life he is. 

Obstalces And Fear

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~Orison Swett Marden

Pain, Do Not Avoid.

"Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. However, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble." Caroline Myss (Anatomy Of The Spirit)

On my journey through my throat surgery, painful loss's have perpetually engulfed me. I had many people tell me that I'm not living a life where God can bless me. My thoughts to these accusations is how do you know? Maybe, just maybe my experiences are teaching me to appreciate my life and maybe these obstacles and truly blessings in themselves. Life is painful, yet, somehow we expect God and prayer to magically fix everything, but how do you classify a fix? My journey taught me many lessons, perserverance, patiences, appreciation, love, thankfulness, and most of all how to engage myself into not judging others and their afflictions.  Each step that I took on my path to healing was apparently meant to be  for me to value myself and the people who actually love me and to allievate me from the falseness of the people who do not love me.  That's my journey now, healing, and directing my life in a different way. The process is painful, but well worth it.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Goodbye To The Old, Hello To The New

I am finding it hard to say goodbye. Has anyone ever had that trouble? I love Madonna and I especially love the song "The Power Of Goodbye".