Am scaning my old photos onto my computer, I want to make a DVD with music for myself. Bringing up memories and also a good way for me to share with Joy...
Joy and Ed December 2nd, 1978... Beautiful bride and handsome groom.
Joy, Rob, and Joshua roller skating.
Rob, Carri, and Joy, my highschool graduation party.
For my sister Carris' wedding, wasn't she beautiful.
My first time at the beach. I was going in for my surgery the next day, so we took a trip to the beach, with my mom, dad, Carri, Joy, and Ed. Dad wasn't in the picture.
The family for Levi (nephew) first birthday, can you believe he's a freshman...Time does fly by.
The family getting readto leave or maybe going in, have no idea...
my mom Vickie Ric Joy Carri Rob Amber M Monte the people who are in my circle...
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
Another one of my favorite artists, Lisa Loeb. I love her style, and her songwriting talent, and her talent period. "I do" one of my favorite songs by her, and now I finally have her greatest hits CD and am playing it to death.
I've always loved Cass Elliott, my mom had a cassette tape of hers that I played to death the year after she passed away in 1987. The few months I lived with my big sister and her family, were extemely tough, and her soulful voice gave me comfort, while waiting out the disasters. Rick my nephew had Neil Young and I had Cass Elliott. I am going thru the same changes internally, so when a friend on a different website put up this video, it triggered a moment of clarity and rememberance to me. To update everyone, my mom, (the woman who raised me 13 and on) recovered from her hip replacement surgery, and is now sitting up. I am so thankful for this happy news. Grateful for all the prayers and support. Thank you Universe!
This morning when I woke up, the need for movement, for a journey washed over me. After getting the news that my mom broke her hip and all the changes that have been happening recently, going for a long drive to Longview Washington felt right. I went to willow grove beach, where many family picnics happened and many good memories enveloped me. Though, the fog covered the water and the place, the beauty of the natural place still was there. My thoughts and prayers are with my mom, brother, and sisters during this time.
My mom's in the hospital in California, she went there to visit family and to go to a church conference they hold there every year. My sister Carri called me at around 1PM Sunday night to tell me the news. My mom broke her hip and surgery is tomorrow at noon, please hold her in good energy and thoughts while she's going thru the surgery and the recovery afterwards. Having this happened brought some things into perspective for me, Maurine is not my biological mother, she and Richard took me in when I was 13 years old, they were both in their late 50's and already raisded three children of their own. So, they should have been done, no they choose to take me in and rasie me until I was a grown up. Richard passed a few years ago, and I miss him terribly. The thought of Maurine being gone, triggered an emotional button that's been there, but been suppressed by other factors in my life. I love you mom and get better soon.
I snagged this photo from my friend Dean, but I've greatly respected both of these men and here is a cool picture of them together. I've read several of the Dalai Lama's books and found great wisdom in his perspective and insight. Obama, I haven't read his book, hope to soon, yet, his speeches remind me of Martin Luther King, and hope will be coming to my own country. Something to look forward to.
On Oprahs webcast of Jon Kabat Zinn show she read this poem. I feel a deep connection with the words and picture that's being presented.
Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. -Dale Carnegie
As the rain falling out of the clouds becomes the life origin for plants, so the stream of creativeness becomes the source of life for a man. Let us feel the pulse of a creative spirit within a man, which sustains his or her vitality, for it, is the only way for one to join the river of eternity. As this truth submerges a man in joy like the sunrays, he or she feels incredibly happy. The spirit of creativity like a stream flowing in a man and watering a dry land of his or her soul, refreshing it and awakening up new forces – a creation of action. It seems that time and eternity merge within a man. Let us aim at awakening within ourselves this state producing success and desire for harmony. -Augustinas Rakauskas,
I don't feel creative today, it's raining outside, time for me to curl up and read a good book on a lazy Saturday... Here is a cool quiz about which Twilight Charachter You resemble. I love the charachtor Carlisle in the books series. Actually, they all are awesome.
Which Twilight character are YOU?
Your Result: Carlisle Cullen
ahh.. Carlisle.. the very smart very stongly opionated Carlisle.. and not only THAT but he's hot for a dad :) i mean REALLY sharp looking.. and rich :)
This songs been around a year so, I've just discovered it and it says how I am feeling about some things... The Lyrics:
The smell of your skin lingers on me now You're probably on your flight back to your home town I need some shelter of my own protection, baby To be with myself and center Clarity, peace, serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightening out to do And I"m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry The path that I"m walking, I must go alone I must take baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightening out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry LIke the little school mate in the school yard we'll play jacks and uno cards I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine Yes you can hold my hand if you want to 'Cause I want to hold yours too We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds but it's time for me to go home It's getting late, dark outside I need to be with myself and center Clarity, peace, serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightening out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on wiht my life It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry.
I can't come up with a better title for this post. The last week or two, I've been watching a friend of mine, doing exactly this. I don't know why her self worth is based on how attractive she is or the attention she gets from men, while neglecting some important things in her life. Then I realize, why am I pointing a finger at her? I've done this exact same thing, and I have no right to judge her. Though, this dilemma, made me pause to wonder about some things. So, I'm musing on this issue, hunting for a man or a companion, since I'm sure females aren't the only ones who are doing this. Why is our society based on looking for a mate? I've been without a constant male companionship for four years now. I do have a male friend, who off and on, replaced the companionship of Rick, but it's not exactly the same. Because well, he lives in his own apartment, and we have a passionate and tumultuous relationship. I am grateful for this relationship, because I have learned many things from this experience. He is a good friend, despite some things. My dream last night says it all to me, thanks to the pointing out of some key things from my sister, Joy. I am ok with that, I'm not on the same path, as my friends. Yet, I still love them and support them, I'm sure the feelings mutual. I am ok alone, and after Ricks passing, I made the decision to not go hunting for a man, though some of the people in my life, pushing, by making comments, and encouraging me to go on dating sites, and I'm uncomfortable, not because of getting to know a stranger, or things like that. It is more personal, it's deeper than that. My spirit, twirling around with new concepts daily, and I'm still on shaky foundation. Yes, I do get lonely, I do wish to be held, kissed, have romance in my life, somehow, I've realized, I have key issues to get through first. For example, intimacy, trust, loving myself, and learning to take care of my needs. I want to get my college education, I want to explore photography more, and explore many different subjects, that I've put off, because of grieving the loss of many things the past four years. A deep friendship that ended, because of a MAN, the tumultuous relationship with a man, the death of a dear person in my life, and the death of my dad. Learning new skills became an issue, because suddenly, I became independent of my thoughts, spirit, actions, dreams, hopes, love, desires, everything. I did not have to be on constant edge, submiting my thoughts, emotions, spirit, actions, and I became in control over my own life. A new concept for me. I became afraid of this new power, and I found ways to let others have it, but now, I am learning to enjoy that power. I am still learning, and frankly, I don't want my desire for a man to hault the new develope inside of me. The woman who harvested new life skills and can be a better companion because of them...
I've been reading the Stephanie Meyer books, I'm now onto the 4th Breaking Dawn. I'm looking forward to the movie of her first book Twilight. Here is a clip of it...
Fall, many things represnet fall to me. The leaves change color, from bright green, into yello, burnt orange, red, and finally brown, where they end up on the ground. I hear the dead leaves crunching under my feet, while I am walking to my mail box. At my apartments, we have a huge oak tree. It is shape shifting into his winter mode, where it will be barren until spring. The great oak, must be about a hundred years old. This morning, I saw a squirrel burying nuts underneath it's trunk, getting ready for winter... I don't know how squirrels do it, burying nuts, and then patting the ground until it is hard to tell where they bury them, and then finding them during the winter months. How do they do that? It's a truly amazing thing to watch...
More photographs from my trip with my friend Amber... I've been busy reading, the Stephanie Meyer books, her saga of Edward, Bella, and Jacob... The movie comes out on November 21st and I am going to see it in the theaters. I'm excited.. Twilight, I finished it in one day... Now, I'm onto New Moon... I own these two, my friemd Amber, loaned me the other two... I'm off to read...
Something inside of me, changing, like the color of the leaves in the fall. I'm beginning to see differently, things around me... Change, apart of life, something I feared, still do. My fortune cookie said to me: "Remember it's about the journey, not the final destination." I'm ready to change my color... Again!
A dream of mine came true Sunday night, I saw Heart live. I love Hearts' music, ever since I was a young girl and there first album "Dreamboat Annie" came out in 1976. I remember my sister Vickie and I singing the song "Dog and Butterfly" together. I wish my sister Vickie could have been there with me, but she was unable. Journey was awesome too, even the new lead singer gave his all and pulled it off. I enjoyed singing along to all the words with my friend Amber and seeing Ann and Nancy perform live... You girls Rock!!! Thanks for sharing your talent...
I am reading Diane Ackermans' book "Cultivating Delight", I am enjoying it, especially since I am not able to go out and enjoy nature at this moment, I am sick. Ugh!!! I took this picture this summer, when my sister Vickie came up for a visit for two weeks. The Cowee Man River is a beautiful place. I love trees, the bigger, the better they are.
I am sick, I hate it. I am coughing, my lips dry, my nose stuffed, my back aches from laying in bed, I can't lay down, because when I do I cough and cough and I can't stop. I am in a terrible mood. I did go to the hospital on Saturday, only to find out I have some form of pnemonia and it sucks, I wish the anti-biotics would kick in and heal me. I need a miracle. I am asking for a miracle here. My friend, who is going to Belgium, leaves tomorrow, I am babysitting his cat and his apartment for the two weeks he will be gone. The trooper in me, plans on still doing this, despite how I am feeling and I am going to do it. I just wish this would go away so that I can enjoy his big screen TV and my visit with Mr. Man (his cat) while he is away. I don't have any critters of my own, so I am looking forward to this time with Mr. Man. I also want to say farewell to my friend... I hate staying in bed all day, doing nothing, but looking at the walls, coughing up my lungs, and making treks to the bathroom. The pleasure of the internet is not fun anymore too. Even reading, which I enjoy, is a chore to do. Yet, I started Diane Ackermans, Cultivating Delights. I am enjoying her stories about her garden and the deer that visit her garden. For a few moments, my mind is off of being sick, then, wham! I start in on this coughing bit, my stomach hurts from all this cough, I swear, I am building up my abs, by coughing. Hey, that can be the new exercise fad that can go around, coughing to build up your abs. Can you see the info commercials now? Sorry, I'm in a bit of a mood today, actually for the last few days. I will stop for now, before I say something even worse... I wish everyone good health...
Abba music brings me serenity and joy into my life. This morning, as I am writing my morning pages, I am listenig to Abba. Take a chance on me, Dancing Queen, Fernando, Knowng me, Knowing you, all awesome songs. Thank you to Monte for making a CD copy of this cd for my collection...
I took a trip to my local library, I got tired of sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself. So, I went to my library, looking at the stacks of books that were their ripe for the picking. I went a strolled down the spiritual/religion section and I got five great finds. I'm looking forward to reading these sacred books. I also got a fiction novel to read too, for a total of six...
My mom is on my mind today, I've thinking about her, missing some of the good things about her, and also contemplating how much my life truly changed in the course of 21 years since her passing. I just finished the 6th grade, and I moved to Longview, Washington, to be with my sister and her family. Looking on it, grieving, contemplating, and an overwhelming sense of loss, waves over me like a banner. Though, I do have to say, from every experience I have learned many valuable lessons in my life. That life throw unbelievable sadness and happiness at different times in ones life. Every experience, somehow shapped me into the person I am. Somehow, that blunt, bulldog, tiger girl's been lost. That is one of my greatest fears, to become and die like my mother did. That is what I am thinking of today, my mothers life and death, and the many adventures I went on in my life. I feel like a great explorer, roaming around, observing things. When I look at the kaelodescope of my life, I see every shape, color, and demension of the people who have become a part of my life, some are still here, some are gone. Each one holds a key that unlocks a door, showing, behind the door new ways of viewing certain situations in my life. An example: I went from a single mother, who became besieged with mental problems, to a sister whose house elapsed into the drug haven of the whole city of Longview and beyond, to a fundamentalist sect Christian family, to a man who loved Elvis and nothing more. All these experiences somehow became a part of my foundation, one that I am not ashamed of anymore. I can't be, though at times it shook it, crumbled it, I still didn't break, I didn't die, I didn't became a blob of nothing. I stood it, and yet I still have my humanity. I am appreciating my blunt perspectives, my compassionate, genrious nature, and also the tiger that I am when I am fighting for someone or something I love. I can't change who I am... I've always told everyone that I don't know who I am, the fog is lifting that I've been in for so long. It is possible to love yourself and to love others the same... Balance can be reached.
Joystory is hosting a book give away from Hachette books. The books they are giving away look rather intriguing, especially the ones on leadership... Go check it out...
It's 2 in the morning, I'm wide awake, with a ton on my mind. So, I thought I'd blog about it. The things on my mind is my future, my health, my soul, and relationships. Whoa, I'm sure I'm not the only one in the universe who contemplates these many aspects of ourselves, feelings of failure, hopelessness, insecurity, and the mindless menage of things that hampers a person. That is one thing that I am truly encompassing into my life, figuring out where my place on this planet truly is, finding a spiritual path that is more true to my soul. I have realized that every spiritual leader, teacher, guide, or human being who's writen self help books, are basically saying the same things. Letting go to the Universe or Source and being a person of integrity. That balance is the true measure of happiness, be happy in the little joys of life. Today, I enjoyed my day. I got up early, went to the post office, felt bless that I was the only one in line, so I was served faster, thank you Universe. And then went to the grocery store, where I had a pleasant conversation with the lady at the cash register, she was so thoughtful, she helped me back up my purchases. Save a lot, doesn't bag up your groceries, you have to do it yourself. I don't mind, at least I know where my stuff is and I can organize it in the bag. I digress, my point is, I decided to get my mind off of a certain person, whose been in my mind and my heart for 4 years and I let it go to the universe and guess what, he contacted me and what made us friends in the first place was back. I felt blessed by it, even if at one time of the day, there was a moment of relapse, but I made it thru it. Slow progress is happening, relapses, moments of sadness, grief, happiness, and all the emotions of life, happen, I can choose to accept that or fight it. I am choosing ot accept that it is apart of life and that I am a creator of my life, along with the Universe.
A roller coaster ride that went array states how I am feeling at the moment. I hit a verbal brick wall today. My face feels broken and shattered into a million different pieces, because honestly, I've been nurturing others in my life for a long time. I've put others ahead of my own desires, in fact, so much so, that I don't know what my desires are. That is the truth of the whole thing. I've never truly took into account what I want in my own life, or developed my own talents in any endeavors. I've followed the people in my life, Vickie, Joy, Monte, Summer, Amber, so numerous, that it would take hours for me to list it all. That emptiness inside of me is coming to a head, because, the two friends that were brave enough to express themselves to me, spoke out. In two different styles, but their messages were the same. It paused me to think of my integrity, my intentions, my serenity, my foundation in my own SELF. Quick fixes don't suffice with the deep rooted pain and humiliation that I feel inside. That cause me to act out like an emotional vampire onto people in my life. It all started, when Rick died, I came unglued, I don't turn to food anymore for comfort, I got rid of the garbage of his house, and also of my own soul. I became raw inside, and then I felt empty. I wanted quick fixes to fill me up, but I became depended on others to show me how to do that. In fact, I wore them out, I'm sure. In fact, I put a dear friend in Ricks place, unconscouisly, I put a role onto Monte, that shouldn't have been his in the first place. Then, I got angry with him, when he couldn't be what I wanted him to be to me. It hurt, caused me to act out irrationally, being a total enemy of myself. So, this week, despite my fears, my reservations, I am taking some time to self evaluate many issues that have suddenly, undammed themselves in my life and deal with them one by one.
I finally got some sleep last night. I've been sleep deprived for a day, and it is unusual for me. Though, I do know why I was, change is around the corner in my life. "I am in the deapths of despire." Anne Shirley stated, that is where I have been for the last week. Truthfully, longer than that, I've been procrasinating the things I must do to get out on my way to a life that I want to make for me. So, I am finally getting over that defiant behavior. I am taking my sister Joy's suggestion about find a program on the internet that is about goal setting and making a commitment to myself. So, last night I found a great web site called Mind tools. I found some helpful advice on this web site. I started my list and making some long term plans for my future.
Here is a quick list of some of my goals:
Reaching my ideal weight of 160 pounds. by incorperating daily exercise and not binge eating.
Finding and keeping a sacred space in my home: By cleaning out all the gunk in my apartment, keeping up the chores, and commiting to a routine, like I did for Edna.
Finding my spiritual practice: Following thru with meditation and prayers that I have in my collection. Working with Creative Change which I am doing with my sister Joy. Being able to encourage myself without the help of friends or family and having a balance relationship with them and with myself. Not giving up, when things get tough and running or thinking that I want to tell everyone goodbye or get out of my life, whenever a rocky patch comes my way. Trusting in my own voice, wisdom, and power, as a woman, friend, sister, daughter, and human being.
Being more creative with my photography, taking more risks in pictures.
School: Attaining a degree in college, taking creative writing classes, photography, and computer classes, so that I can create and be more confident in my abilities. getting the money that Amber owes me, so that I can actually go to school and get started in my new endeavor.
Going out in the world: seeking new experiences in nature and in relationships.
This is a start, I am sure that I will find more as my life comes up with new tools.
The last week, I've been stuck in my bed, dreading life, feeling miserable, hopeless, sad, angry, you probably get the picture. It all started with the news from the doctor about my health, and then it even got worse today with the news from the old doctor. I got a second opinion. This time, I asked for copies of my x-rays, so I can show people. My sister works on x-ray machines, and when she was here in July, she showed me an x-ray of her head. It is truly amazing, it is art. when I get it, I'm going to see if I can scan it and send it off to people. I digress... For four years, I have been friends off and on with Monte. He amazing, talented in drumming, a great sense of humor, and can somehow cut through all the bullshit of mine. I value his friendship, tremendously. Yet, we have these outrageous fights, where, I am the cause of it. I am realizing that I am extremely insecure in a lot of areas in my life. It inhibits my true growth and my spirit of my life. I have read some great books, by the Dalai Lama, Dyer, Myss, Angelou, Williamson, to name a few, and I have gathered some great information. Somehow it's been hard for me to follow through on the tools and tips that they give you. Instead, I act like a total asshole, pardon my french, but that is how I have been behaving. I do, I act like a total jerk, demanding of others time and energy concerning him, my insecurity, what am I gonna do, and still not heeding their advice, some of it has been great advice, even from Monte himself. I have been so focus on him, that I have stopped taking care of my own needs, and causing him as much pain over things, as myself. Tonight, Monte and I had a fight, then a heart to heart talk. I believe he wants my friendship, like I do his. I'm glad that this outburst happened, I am seeing things from a new perspective, I can't live like this, it is helping me or him. I obviously don't love who I am. The signs are all there, and it is truly up to me to change it. I can't change because someone wants me to, I have to do it for me. I have known this for a long time, and it is the reason Joy and I have started the Creative Change project that we did. She wants to change her life, as much as I do. I did realize something while I was talking to him. I am not in love with him, he took Rick's place in my life. The companionship role that Rick had, and yes, Monte has some of the qualities that Rick had. Rick passed away 4 years ago, almost 5 and I don't think I am truly over it. I don't think that is something I can get over, the death of someone who I truly loved and cared about for 10 years of my life. Here is what I want to accomplish in my life at this moment, and it will take me awhile to get to where I am going, probably my life time. It is still worth it. I want to accomplish my long time goal of losing another 120 pounds and getting to a healthy place in my life. I want to be out in the public, walking, hiking, being out in nature, instead of cooped up in my apartment. I want to find the true joy in my life. And enjoy being in my own company, (Yes, Joy, I am getting it), and doing my own thing. I need to love and respect me and do what I need to do for me, instead of worrying about others in my life. That is my commitment to myself...
I met a bird in the doorway of my apartment. I felt bad, because I disturbed him, while he was sleeping. Though, it surprised me that he didn't fly off, he sat there, looking at me. I said "I'm not here to hurt you, I just want to get into my own bed." It is strange, but I thought he understood. I did, get a snapshot of the bird. I don't know what kind he is or even if it is a he.
I couldn't think of anything to write about today. My mind's been twirling with many thoughts, that cloud up my mind. The thunder storm brought in cool air, which I am thankful for, especially, after the heat wave we've endured the last couple of days.
What is your salad dressing of choice? I love blue cheese dressing.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? I enjoy Alexis in Portland Oregon, it is a great Greek restaurant, I haven't been there for many years.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Cheese.
What are your pizza toppings of choice? olives, cheese, mushrooms, and sausage.
What do you like to put on your toast? butter
TECHNOLOGY What is your wallpaper on your computer? I have a picture I took of my sister Vickie, niece in law Jessica, and myself.
How many televisions are in your house? 1
What color cell phone do you have? Black
BIOLOGY Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes, I had a cyst removed from my breast when I was a teenager.
What is the last heavy item you lifted? the TV tube from my old TV set.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No, I'd stress out trying to get all the things done on "my list of things to do before I die".
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I've grown used to my name
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No way
DUMBOLOGY*
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 2
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? gosh, let me see a couple of years.
What do you want to be when you grow up? balanced
Last person you talked to? Victoria
Last person you hugged? Monte
FAVORITOLOGY
Season? Fall and spring
Holiday? eh, none
Day of the week? Any day
Month? May
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone? yes, several people in my life
Mood? a mixture of different moods.
Listening to? muriels weddings
Watching? computer monitor
Worrying about? a lot
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning? To the restroom
Spending time with friends brings peace to my soul. I haven't hung out with these quacky people forever, last night I got to. Russ, Amber, Monte, and Jackie. Thanks guys for making me laugh...
Sunday night, a friend and I went for a drive, driving the out skirts of Vancouver, where I live. The adventure, brought back a joy that I truly enjoyed, out exploring things. The wonderful houses, animals, cars, trees, clouds, and music we saw and listened to, brought out a different side that I hadn't felt in a long while. Thank you to the universe for a wonderful day!!!
Life can throw you fist fulls of challenging, agrivating, and humorous situations. I've been dealt a heavy blow, actually several. A quote from my dad "Life is full of change, you either sit there and die in them, asking why is this happening to me, or you can accept it and go with the flow of this challenge and smile anyway." I never fully understood this, not until now. My weight is a huge issue, one of the biggest challenges of my life. Guess what? I can't blame anyone but myself. I am an emotional binge eater, you know the type. The ones who don't eat in front of anyone, but when they get alone, they pig out. I do that, I can clean out my fridge in one night. I am serious, I have done that in emotionally challenging situations. Though, in the four years since my independence day, I have lost 100 pounds, I still do have 120 pounds more to lose. Yes, I am being honest about my weight, my eating habits, and the formidable challenge of making a change in my life style so that I can be healthy again. At age 34, I've developed heart failue and one collapsed lung. So, something sure does need to change, or I will be buried deep in dirt and no more enjoyments of life. The devastating news from the doctor, that I am not eligible for a surgery that would help improve my life, because of my fatness, makes me feel like a failure of life and beyond. Because, I've done some things to improve my life, which have helped somewhat, but then again I don't totally follow through on them. So, my challenge, is to become more of a follow through kind of gal, and actually take those vatiamins that I have, eat properly, meaning don't pig out on those cold lonely nights, or because some thoughtless jerk hurt my feelings, or because I'm bored out of my mind. That is the challenge, the real challenge that I am facing. Because, to be honest, I've taken care, entertained, took on other people challenges, that I've neglected my own. I'm not sure where my soul, my passion, my talent is. I do have an idea, but it isn't formated fully into my spirit, where I can pull them out of me to actually doing them. Admiting my faults, not hiding the truth of my weight battle, or the other battles of my life, is probably the wisest first step I have done and I am hopefuly that I can continue on a path that is more into the enlightenment phase I want to be in. I am going to blog, and I do have some resources that I hope to enlist in the near future. It's not hopeless! A weak smile, but it is still a smile.
The trials of living, man I could speak volumes of what this one statement means. Today, alone brought many adventures, some were completely disgusting. I hate it when the toilet decides to overflow, it is nasty, it smells, and words cannot describ the mess it makes. That is what I've been doing, well most of it. I bought some dark brown hair color last night, so I set off to do that this afternoon. After, I got the dye in, the toilet decides to do it's putrid dance all over the bathroom floor. So, I've been cleaning up that horendous mess, trying not to throw up, and trying not to scream at the porcelain bowl... The plunger worked, but still. Though, I did have a clarifying moment while plunging. I know, it sounds utterly strange that you can have a new perspective on life, while plunging the toilet. I swear, I did. Here's my thought: It is amazing how many time we get plugged up on everyday catastrophes, where we suddenly decide to spew all over ourselves and others in life the garbage that we ultimately hold in, all we need is a plunger, to plunge those negative thoughts, judgements, meaness towards ourselves and others down into the drain of nastiness. Wouldn't that be something, if that was possibly? I do think it is possible, change is a part of life, it is an opportunity to plunge ourselves into a new direction, to forget the past, to bascially take what we've learned and go into a different path.
All three authors that I recently read. Reading brought great pleasure to me, last weekend. I spent Saturday and Sunday reading, in quiet, peaceful, bliss devouring the stories that I read.
Anne Cushman's book "Enlightenment For Idiots" is well written, and brought me laughter, awe, admiration, envy, and fantasy of writing my own idiot guides and seeing what true spiritual leaders must be like and making my own choice, instead of following the pack. Amanda is a well thought out charachter and her crew is every so enlightening. Reminded me of my own life. I highly recommend her book to anyone.
Anne Sanders book "Goodbye, Jimmy Choo" is an amazing book and it delighted my senses, since I love herb and natural products. The story of Izzie and Maddies' friendship inspired me in my own female relationships. Good read and I recommend this book too. True Jacqualine Mitchards book "Twelve Times Blessed" is a joyful book too. I am not much on romance or such. This book seemed different in a lot of ways. I enjoyed her other book "Deep End Of The Ocean" and I thought I would another. It is well worth reading.
I feel like that Dixie Chicks song "Long Time Gone". It's been ages since I've written a blog. Well, my old desk top computer's been a poop. It decided to the old turn off thing and my new ISP provider wouldn't work on it either. All I could do was Email and messenger, but couldn't get to any of my favorite haunts on the web. Now, I am back, with passion for my blog again. I am hoping to write some things about what I've been reading, doing, and I am heading back to school on September 22nd, so new hope is in the air. Oh yeah, I love my new lap top. It's an HP and I'm elated at all the new possabilities. Chow, I'll be back tomorrow to write more.
From a young age, Music brought me comfort, peace, and creativity into my life. I took this quiz, which is fun to do a times. During this period in my life, with everything that is going on, with my diagnosis of heart failure at age 33, and having to choose between living or dying, and then being asked by my best friend to be a brides maid in her wedding next year, a lot of great things are happening, meaningful, thought provoking, and scary all in one big package.
You Are Classical Music
You are a somewhat serious person who enjoys studying subjects deeply.
Art of all kinds interests you, and a good piece of art can really effect you emotionally.
You are inspired by human achievement, and you appreciate work that takes years to accomplish.
For you, the finer things in life are not about snobbery - they're about quality.
