Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him. The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore. Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog. Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose. My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely. Well, I need to get going...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What a journey I've been on for the last month. July 20th was suppose to be a normal routine one day surgery and then I could go home. Did not end up that way. My brother Rob came with me, as everyone else, sisters Carri, Joy, Vickie were all busy and unable to stay with me. I thought everything would be just fine, as I've had the procedure before. Nope, my vocal cords decided to spasm and cause the doctors a problem and myself a problem with breathing. I was incubated for one week, they cut a trek into my throat. Still there, not the actual trek, but the hole of the trek. I feel like a whale with the blow hole. A strange sensation when you sneezes come out of your throat and not your nose. I had many hallucinations in the ICU, which caused my family to worry about me. Being so long without oxygen was the cause. I cannot remember my family being there, the medicine they gave me caused amnesia, thank God for that, because apparently I had some amazing visions. This last surgery worked and I am grateful to Dr. Anderson for all his help and his skill as an ENT. He is a very compassionate doctor and I would recommend him. It has taken me a long time to find doctors who cared, years in fact I was going through this whole ordeal and no one would help. I decided to keep looking and finally my prayers were answered and Doctor Houghton recommended doctor Anderson. I spent one month in the hospital, just got home on Wednesday.I spent two weeks in rehab learning to walk and function again. I still feel wobbly, and unsure about many things. I am usually an independent person, asking for help is a big stress for me. I made some decisions though, one is to get back to my authentic self and take care of me. For years I've been focusing on someone else and it turned out to be extremely unhealthy. Secondly, I will let my family help me without the guilt. My sister Joy stayed with me from Wednesday night until Sunday. I loved her company and we've watched all 5 DVDs that I had out of my Netflix account. Get Smart, Next, Saving Grace season one, Monk season 5, and Criminal Minds season 3. More will be coming. I am changing my routine, and not isolate myself inside of my apartment. All I can say is that this whole experience has become a big learning experience for me. I learned that I had true LOVE with my family, my brother Rob stayed by my bed when he wasn't working, reading to me. Because it took a week for the rest of the family to get there. So, he was alone for a week dealing with watching me in a bad situation. I am grateful to him, because I haven't felt particularly close to him over the years. It was nice to know that he loves me. Then Carri, driving our mom down to the hospital and organizing, doing, and accomplishing what I needed. And sticking up for me when certain people weren't painting me in a good light. Thank you Carri for all that you did. My mom for loving me, sitting with me, even though it was uncomfortable. Joy you too, thank you.Vickie for flying out here from Alabama to see me, and helping organize my finances while I was unable to. I have an amazing family. My friends that wrote me amazing messages on Facebook, Amber for visiting me in the hospital and the amazing orchids she gave me. Mandy for the card and the words of encouragement. Sarah, Bianca, Julie, Amber S for the same words of encouragement means a lot to me.