A great journey in progress!

Friday, June 30, 2006

Superman Returns

Superman Returns is an awesome movie. I went to the movie theatre for the first time in over a year to see it. It is a tear jerker. I recommend you go see it. I didn’t like the original Superman movies with Christopher Reeves, though Mr. Reeves is a great actor. I just am not into super hero’s. The only super hero that I loved was Wonder Woman. They should make a remake of that one. You know I'll be going seeing that one.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Climbing A Tree

I went to Riverside Park today, I climbed a tree with a 7, 34, 31, and 5 year old this evening. It felt great having my bare feet in the grass, climbing a tree, seeing a squirrel, and hanging out with friends. Here is a picture of Amber and I taken with Russ’ cell phone this evening.
It felt wonderful being out of the house, having a serious talk with Amber and Russ this evening, spending time with Duncan and Cullen, and shopping. I got dressed up in my pretty pink skirt and black shirt, can you imagine what a sight seeing a grown woman climb a tree in skirt? Actually it was two grown women and two small children, it was an amazing experience. It was nice connecting and being with a friend who likes me and wanted to spend time with me. I also have been talking more with Monte, though I do not understand him at times, I decided not to leave in delusion Ville any longer. I love him and he loves me, he says he does, and I have to believe him. Though now, after knowing someone he is in a relationship, which is strange, since not that long ago he was talking about another woman and how he wanted to be with her. Saturday night to be exact. LOL. I know he has said it to me, he wants companionship, and he is desperate for it. I want him to be happy, though I have a feeling this one is not going to last long at all. All I can do is just be there for him, like I’ve always been. I am tired and I need to check my email. Good night!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I Am So Pissed

Tonight someone broke into my car at my own apartments. I don’t know when it happened, I know it happened from last night after 10pm to today at 8pm when I went to my car. They tried to get my stereo out of my car, but were unlucky, thank God. It pisses me off that someone could do such a thing to me. I am lucky they didn’t rip it out and gotten away with it. Something stopped them from taking it completely out, I am lucky. I took the face plate off, so they do not have any reason to take it out now. I am so angry and grateful at the same time.


The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
-Albert Einstein

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

-William A. Ward

Monday, June 26, 2006

I am

I am adventurous
I am smart
I am beautiful
I am a good cook
I am spontaneous
I am loyal
I am capable
I am worthy
I am loved
I am special
I am cherished
I am realistic
I am passionate
I am graceful
I am funny
I am witty
I am faithful
I am kind
I am patient
I am a woman
I am a lady
I am sexy
I am generous
I am talented
I am great
I am pretty
I am blessed
I am deserving
I am secure
I am dignified
I am a warrior
I am strong
I am competent
I am ready
I am able
I am able to love me
I am able to love others
I am able to learn.
It is suddenly clear, the truth is laid out before me. The shroud of loathing is lifting its ugly head.

Sunday, June 25, 2006


I learned a new word today LOATHE, which means intense hatred and disgust. I feel this way towards me, I realized. It shows in my appearance, in my relationship with myself and with others, and in so many ways that it would take me a long time to list them all. I am reading a book that I bought for myself 4 years ago, I read it, I got some important information out of it, but the full concept of the book didn’t hit me until now. A couple of the chapters hit home. A moment of truth came over me, my heart started palpitating with this new insight, the words leaping hitting my minds eye, ingraining themselves into my brain. I screamed out “I LOATHE MYSELF!!” That is the problem, I am so disgusted with myself. So I asked myself this question “why do I loathe myself?” I came up with nine reasons rather quickly.

1) I give into others expectations, demands, ideals, views, opinions about my soul, happiness, possessions, future, past, present, and a lot of areas by.
A) people view me not as a lady/woman because of my appearance, manners, dress, and I have given them permission to do such a thing.
B) My appearance and expectations are high and so I give up without even trying, because I am not perfect or the ideal woman or lady.
C) by giving all my time, energy, finances, and spirit to benefit others and not myself.
D) Being nice and diplomatic when I want to feel like a bitch.

2) Because I do not stand up for myself, so I feel I don’t have integrity, dignity, and a soul.

3) Not being perfect in social situations. In my appearance, manner of speech, writing, eating, dressing, and so on.

4) I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts, being negative about others in my personal and outside life, and not trusting myself or others.

5) Feeling like a leach, user not only in finances, but draining of others energy and time.

6) Not being able to manage myself. Being told that I am incapable of such a feat by some people in my life and that I should relinquish control to them.

7) That I have a lot of flaws, including, weight, hair, dress, and so on.

8) Caring too much what others think or feel about me or other areas of my life. Their experiences are not mine, they should be valued, but not dissuade me from going down my path.

9) Lying to myself and others about all sorts of things.

I have read that W.B. Yeats described loathing oneself as such: “Self loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. You don’t feel or see the life force fleeing until it’s no longer there, and then, of course it’s too late.” Is it too late for me? I am not dead yet and I must be on some road to recovery, if I am able to comprehend and process this now. I also liked what Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote about self loathing too. She said : “If I were to assign a color to self loathing, it would be the bluish black and purple of an ugly bruise. This is what self loathing is, an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives or on our bodies; a warning that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within.”
I have to accept that I am not going to meet anyone’s expectations, and therefore, shouldn’t expect anything from anyone else. I have to take time and love who I am, as well, as accept my flaws. No one is perfect and the illusion that I will become perfect is faulty. If I can accept with grace and truth that Monte, Amber, Vickie, Joy, Maurine, Carri, and whomever else I am in relationship with flaws, then why can’t I accept my own. That is my quest, I am making a conscious choice to accept all of me, flaws and all.


What in the world am I going to do? Why am I keeping myself in this box that I made for myself? Why do I create chaos for myself? These are thoughts that are ravishing my brain this morning. I am contemplating and searching for the answers to these questions. These questions came to me last night, when in a moment of weakness I went back to my old ways, my self destructive ways, ways that do not serve me, but hinder me and the people I love.

So I am making a CHOICE, I am stopping this before it gets any further, before I permanently destroy myself. I have to make a CHOICE, to kick down the walls that are holding me in and move on. This is going to be an obstacle for me, but if I am conscious and think before I take action, the outcome will be better. I am choosing to live. Sarah Ban Breathnach says in her book “Something More” : “You may not realize it, but your life at this exact moment-it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or who’s getting ready to jerk your chain-is a direct result of CHOICES you made once upon a time. Thirty minutes or thirty years ago.”

This hit a sore spot for me, big time. I hate making decisions, I absolutely hate it. By me not making decisions is a CHOICE and that CHOICE lead me down this road that I am on now. I have given up my authority by CHOICE, because the fear of being wrong, thought of as stupid, or because I did not want to hurt someone, I made the CHOICE to relinquish control to someone else to decide what I wanted, needed, desired to live, or believed. I made the CHOICE to sit here disgusted, in pain, hurt, angry, frustrated, and like a doll, letting my every move be made for me. Consequently, I have wallowed and played the blame game, blaming everyone else for the problems that I have, the abuse they inflicted on me, the callused way they’ve treated me, and most importantly taking my freedom away. I also played into them thinking that I am scum, incapable, and not able to be. I made the Choice to live with Rick and stay for the eleven years, I made the Choice to stay stagnant and not do what I must to be the real me, that I dreamed of becoming. Instead I lived in a fantasy world of possibilities, never once taking a step forward. I got scared of the success of the hard work, dedication, time, and effort it would take to accomplish what I wanted. It was easier.

I do not like where I am right now, so I am making a conscious Choice to take the steps and be who I want to be, the person I know I am. My worse fears are coming true, I am becoming like my mother, living in a state of denial, grasping for air in my lungs. I have to step out of this perpetual hell that I made for myself and find my integrity, dignity, self worth, and love for myself. If I don’t I will surely become a bitter old hag. I cannot be in denial any longer and it is so easy to be that way. I am making the CHOICE to ask the universe to guide me, heal me, and show me the lighted path that is my destiny and not one that is not my own.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Coming Out Of The Cocoon

It is wonderful, how soothing a hot bath can be to your soul. I am rediscovering that tool again, I lost it for so long. When I lived in my old house in Longview, Rick had to have a handicap shower stall and I lost my bathtub. I missed it. That house, boy, I can write a whole book on how much work that house needed. The house wasn’t the only thing that needed fixing, I did. I lost sight of who I was, it has been two years and 5 months since Ricks’ passing and I am still struggling with self care, and knowing how to become who I truly am. I have undermined myself in numerous ways, with my negative self talk, insecurities and I almost completely ruined a good relationship with a new found friend, who can’t understand why I don’t love me, since in his words “I have a good heart, and I am a good person.” We are rebuilding our relationship, I have been acting like a crazy lunatic and harassing him. I know why, it is complicated, it is something I have to actually take the time to heal before I lose everything. My core is broken, now I have to pick up the pieces that are shattered and piece them back together. It is not going to be easy, these steps, these lessons that I am learning, are helping me grow into a woman, the woman that I want to be. In the process of caring and loving someone else, I forgot to love me. I lost my mind, body, and soul to giving care to someone else. I am not in denial of the life that I have had, it makes me who I am. All the broken, battered pieces laying all around me, ready for me to discover them, pick them up, seal them with the gold and silver of the love that I have for me. It is a long road to recovery from that kind of life, a life of self destructiveness, self hate, and battery to myself and to the people who love me. It is so easy for me to give up and to just strangle someone else with my need to take care of them and with my own misery. I keep asking for patience, and then I keep wallowing in the pain. I am tired of wallowing in the pain, that is what I have been doing, I’ve been doing it for so long, it is hard to break out of the comfort zone. Everyone has given up on me, my sisters Vickie, Joy, my mom, Monte, Amber, Christina, Karen, Linda, and of course the most important person in all of this, ME. The cocoon is finally coming off, miraculously, I feel like the butterfly, I have for a long time, nestled in the cocoon, growing, changing, finding the colors that make her who she is, and then finally busting out of the cocoon. Beautiful, graceful, lovely, and herself, and not afraid to show others what she is all about. When you give up on the butterfly in the cocoon, she finally emerges out, flying happily away. Happy to be out of the dark place she was at, being herself, she doesn’t know where she is going, but she is going to wherever she is destined to be. That is the state of mind I am in right now. I am a student and I am ready to be taught to listen to my own voice.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Words To Ponder

I find that it is not the circumstances in which we are placed, but the spirit in which we face them, that constitutes our comfort.
-Elizabeth T. King

Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, June 22, 2006


I know the importance of editing, there is meaning in that word. Editing is usually associated with writing and writers, but if you think about it we edit our lives. We put into balance the words on the paper, with the correct grammar, punctuation, and structure of sentences. Isn’t that what we do with our lives, putting into balance mind, body, and spirit.
I have been doing a lot of editing in my life, last night talking with a friend I discovered I need to do some more. I am not sure where yet, but I am sure I will figure it out. The answers always come, that is something I have discovered.

Miss Congeniality

I finally watched the movie “Miss Congeniality” starring Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Pratt this morning. I like this movie a lot. I love Sandra Bullock as an actress, I loved her in “Speed” with Kneau Reeves, I have a fond memory of watching that movie with Amber and Summer at the drive in when it first came out. She has been in some awesome movies, I should put her on a list of actress’ that I want to see all their movies. The story line is cool, it is about this woman who does not know how to be a lady. I am a lot like her, I have never cared about the hair, clothes, makeup, waxing, plucking, shoes, or anything of that short. I have come to some reality here in the last few years about my appearance and taking care of myself. It is away of showing you care about you, you don’t have to look like a super model, go all out getting plastic surgery or anything so ghastly, but you have to nurture you. I have recently decided to care about my appearance out in pubic, home is another matter. I watched “In Her Shoes” that made me have appreciation for shoes now and clothes. I think I am changing, better watch out.

The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare

I just finished reading “The Cat Who Knew Shakespeare” written by Lilian Jackson Braun. I picked this book up at a thrift store a few years ago, but haven’t read it until last night. It didn’t take me long to finish. It's an easy read and easy to follow. The story line is intriguing, but the writing is simple and is well suited for young adult. There are several in a serious, according to the website, all written about cats who help their owners solve mysteries. This story is about two Siamese cats named Koko and Yum Yum, who help their owner solve a murder mystery in a small Minnesota town. The story makes you wonder about how much animals can communicate to their owners. It's not a spin tingling mystery, but it makes you laugh, and it makes you wonder how did those cat know that. I might not read all 30 books in her series, but I did enjoy this one.


Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
-George Iles

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Ann Lander Quotes

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
--Ann Landers

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength.
However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go -- and then do it.
--Ann Landers

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

I was listening to the my CDS this morning and this song popped out at me. Trisha Yearwood has a great voice and I like her song choices.
Here are the lyrics:
If I would have known the way that this would end. If I would have read the last page first. If I would have had the strength to walk away. If I would have known how this would hurt. I would’ve loved you anyway. I’d do it all the same. Not a second I would change. Not a touch that I would trade. Had I known my heart would break, I would have loved you anyway. It’s bittersweet to look back now. At memories withered on the vine just to hold you close to me. For a moment in time and even if I’d seen it coming, You’d still would have seen me running straight into your arms.

Quote Of The Day

The power of the word is real whether or not you are conscious of it. Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Behind every word flows energy.
-Sonia Choquette

Monday, June 19, 2006

Quotes To Ponder

Money is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master.
P.T. Barnum

I feel the capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest significance.
–Pablo Casals

"No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves." -- Dwight Eisenhower

"It seems to me that it's actually harder to invent excuses than it is to be successful." -- Jeffrey Gitomer

Expect to lose sometimes, but a loss can be a stepping stone to victory if it's utilized in the right way.

Jake Gaither (1903-1994)
College football coach

Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish.

Ovid (c. 43 B.C.-c. A.D. 17)

Safety First

I found this article about buying enviroment safe products. I found it interesting and informative, especially a new law they want to pass that business' have to prove their product is safe before it goes on the market. That makes sense to me, why didn't they do that in the first place? I didn't know that business' didn't have to prove their product was safe before we purchased it. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Thinking For Myself

"No doubt another may also think for me; but it is not therefore desirable that he should do so to the exclusion of my thinking for myself." --Henry David Thoreau

I got this quote in an email this evening, it got me to thinking. Thinking for myself, can I do that? Is that possible? I want to think for myself,. Recently, I have been analyzing how I have given my authority away. I have given it away for so long, that I thought I lost it. Many of the people in my life have done it, maybe without realizing that they have. Letting others think for themselves is a challenge, when you have a family of strong women and men in your life, who have major opinions on a lot of subjects that do not mesh, it is a struggle. Mainly, lately, I have been concentrating solely on one thing in my life, whether or not a certain person is a friend or what he is. That is stupid, it is causing me problems, Whether or not he is a friend, I do not need to dwell on it anymore. I cannot waste my brain cells on this issue anymore. I have more important things to think about. I have been given a gift , a second chance with my future, my life. I screwed it up last time, and I do not plan on doing it again. I have to make plans, I have to follow through with my plans, and I have to think about what it is I truly want, and not what others think I should want, do, believe, go for, or accomplish. This is my gift, this is something that I worked for, this is something that deserve. I am valuable, I am pretty, I am smart, I am intelligent, I have grace, I have talent, I have beauty, I have spirit, I have passion, and I most definitely have ambition. All these things were taken from me from an early age, and I am reclaiming them, these are my gifts, these are my talismans. I have to respect myself and I hope that others will follow in this pursuit, and respect me also. The road that I am on now, is clearer, the debris is not so thick, it isn’t causing me to shutter with every whack that I make. I am feeling more confident, at peace with what I must do, and I am on my way to making the plans, the steps, and the accomplishments that I must make for myself. I have experienced a heartache, I have experienced the anger, now I must use the anger, that heartache and make the recovery to the Jamie that will bust out of the cocoon that was made for her and fly away. My wings are growing faster daily, soon I will be off with my map, compass, and machete, and mark my course more deliberately. I know I have many people in my life who are cheering me on, and I hope that they know I am cheering them on with their journey’s. WE are all a family. I love them all.

Andy Rooney On The Iraq War

Andy Rooney spoke on the Iraqi war, he said we are spending 5.6 million dollars a month on this unnecessary war. He compared our spending on military to other countries spending. He also stated that we have enough nuclear weapons to kill the human race. This got me to thinking, how dare we go into other countries and demand they give up their nuclear weapons, when we in fact have so many that can destroy the whole world.

Happy Father's Day!!!

My father, today is father’s day. This is the first father’s day without my dad. He has been gone for nine months now. I miss him a lot. I dream about him, he comes to me in my dream, kisses my cheek. He did that on the day of my birthday on May 21st, his was the 22nd, we usually celebrated together, this year was different. He came to me in my dream, kissed my cheek and wished me happy birthday. It was a sweet dream. Cherish your father, for they are precious. They are wonderful men who have love us, protects us, and teach us what we know. Dad, I miss you, I love you, and I hope you are pain free and at peace. You are missed by all your beautiful and wonderful children.

The First Step

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
—Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.E.)

My first semester in college, my professor Mrs. Hutchinson had this quote written on the marker board. I had not been in school in ten years, I was a nervous wreck. After Ricks passing, I could not finish my college career, too much to do after someone you’ve been with for eleven years passes away, sorting of books, Elvis collectables, estate issues, and massive amounts of clutter that possessed our five bedroom house. Three years later, I am not in grief over his passing. I have evolved, because ours was an unhappy union. I made a promise, I kept it, and though it almost destroyed me, I am healing from it. Now, as I am taking the first few steps into my journey. My path is being shown to me, the stones I walk on illuminating my path, and I’m hatching away with my machete the debris of my past life, and choices I have made. I have a chance at something different and I have many choices laid out before me. This is the third year of this process, the day I gained my independence and the chains around the lips of my inner voice came off and I have a voice. I have to make some decisions in the next few weeks. I must prepare myself for my future and think of myself. I have to discover what it is I want, truly want, and hear that woman’s voice inside of my soul. The voice that is dying to get out and express herself freely. This is a new concept for me. I am nervous, scared, and also excited. These emotions welding up inside of me, as I am venturing out, making decisions, deciding what my steps should be in this life. I have some issues that I am not sure how to deal with yet, but I cannot let them detour me any longer. I cannot waste my time on these thoughts anymore. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. I have no control over it at all. I have to trust in my instincts, in my intuition, and my path that is laid out before.

Explorations Of My Heart

I want to see the Redwood trees in California, I want to see Tuscany in Italy, explore the countryside, see the villa’s, see the old olive trees, stomp on grapes and make wine, feel the culture that is there. I want to spend a month at the beach, walking the coast line, hearing the surf, I hear it calling me. I can feel the gritty sand on my feet, I can taste the salt on my lips, I can smell the sea, and I can feel the wind upon my face. I have not gone to the ocean in a long time, I have been cooped up in the drudgery of the dark, I am ready for the light, I am ready for all my senses to explore the places that I want to go. I am not content in the life that I have right now. I need the requiem of the ocean, the balance that I always feel when I am in it’s presence. The balance of the sky upon the water, the sand, the seagulls, the waves, and the noises of the surf brings me peace to my soul. I need it’s peace and the quiet. I usually go to the beach with family or friends, I want to go by myself. I want to center myself, and listen to my voice. I don’t want the negative voice that keeps talking, but the one that is positive and can see things clearly, and without bitterness.

Quote Of The Day

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

-Anais Nin

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Contemplative Dreams

I must be feeling rage or something, my dreams are reflecting this. Several of my dreams, one where this group of ten fine looking men purchased machine guns, staked out a church in a secluded area, and made a plan for a Sunday when the congregation is full of people. I even saw the shoot out complete with the blood, bullets, machine gun sounds, and the people falling, dead. One woman got out in my dream, I heard her thinking and talking in my head, as she made her way down the gravel road, she used her cell phone to call for the police. I saw their sirens wailing as they made it up to the church, I saw the woman who got away, who was shot in the side, get the medical help she desperately needed. Then I saw the ten men get captured, I saw their eyes full of rage and complete hate, and then I saw the spirits of the dead men, women, and children confront them and help the police to capture them. One of the gun slingers was not going to go so willingly, he got his gun, still full of bullets, and he started shooting, until this one woman, grabbed it out of his hand and started kicking his butt, not for the death of her, but causing the death of her family and friends.

My next dream is not so violent, I think I got my rage out in the first one. The second one, I was cleaning a bathroom, I’m not sure if it was mine or of someone I know. All of sudden the back of the toilet, where the water comes in for you to flush the toilet, the water pipe broke off and started spraying water everywhere, I was desperately trying to fix it, make the water go back into the toilet, but it had a mind of its own. I finally got it tamed and put back in the tank, when Mr. Man, my friend Montes’ cat came into the bathroom, and showed me some love, tenderness like he always does when he sees me, rubbing himself around my legs, until I picked him up and we started greeting each other. Then I heard this voice, it sounded familiar, it was Monte’s voice, saying “What the fuck?”. Then I woke up.

Life Will Throw Dirt At You

I got this in an email this morning, it hit home. I get forwards from people all the time, I use to feel obligated to send them off to the next person. I got sick of doing it, plus I was being annoying to some people. Every once in awhile I get a cool one like this, I don't mind sharing. I find this one insightful and how it is. It is like the saying "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

And The moral is
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Holocaust and The Red Cross

The holocaust is one of the subjects that has been in my mind since I was a little girl, when I saw the movie Anne Frank starring Millie Perkins. It amazed me that someone could be so filled with hate for another culture. It still upsets me that hate is so abundant in the world. That said, this article in the LA Times says that the Red Cross is going to make the records public, isn't it about time? What took them so long to come to that decision? The families of the people who were tortured and or slaughtered should have answers that they have been seeking for close to 60 years now. I mean enslavenment is wrong in any sense, but the families should know what happened to their mothers, fathers, sisters, cousins, friends, or brothers, shouldn't they?

Music Of The Soul

I am listening to a CD of some of my favorite songs, right now what is playing are the Supremes singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. I just finished a few Aretha Franklin songs “Respect”, “Chain Of Fools”, and of course the classic “Natural Woman”. Earlier, it was country, blues, rock n roll, and heavy metal. I have a wide range of musical tastes, always have. I give anything a chance and I have an open mind to the different possibilities of musical expression. The words and the way the music is played with the different notes and how those combination of notes can change to make a different sound. Songs can express anger like Lucinda Williams song “Drunken Angel”, or it can express sadness like Heartwells “Letters In Lipstick”. It can express goodbyes, hellos, I love you, I adore you, you pissed me off, or any of the different emotions you are feeling at the time. Old, new, and semi old music can express and touch your heart. From Beethoven, Frank Sinatra, Slayer, Heart, Tori Amos, Smashing Pumpkins, Vivaldi, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Martina McBride, Norah Jones, and Jewell. Each artist has their own perspective and way of expressing themselves in their writing. Earlier today I listened to Led Zepplin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dixie Chicks, Sheryl Crow, Dolly Parton, Madonna, and Shania Twain. Music is a part of my life, as are movies, books, and plants.


Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.

-Erica Jong

Quotes By Maya Angelou

I love Maya Angelou, she is a wise woman.

The needs of society determine its ethics.
--Maya Angelou

It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself
which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable
--Maya Angelou

There's a world of difference between truth and facts.
Facts can obscure truth.
--Maya Angelou American poet, writer, and actress

How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!
--Maya Angelou

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
--Maya Angelou

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told,
'I am with you kid Let's go!'
--Maya Angelou

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
--Maya Angelou

Quotes By Emily Dickinson

I love Emily Dickinson and Virginia Wolf. I ALWAYS HAVE, THEY WROTE DEEPLY AND PASSIONATELY FOR THEIR TIME. Here are some that I have accumulated over the years. They are my favorites by Emily Dickinson.

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
--Emily Dickinson

Affection is like bread, unnoticed till we starve,
and then we dream of it, and sing of it, and paint it,
when every urchin in the street has more than he can eat.
--Emily Dickinson

Saying nothing... sometimes says the most.
--Emily Dickinson

A word is dead when it is said, some say.
I say it just begins to live that day
--Emily Dickinson

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of
Him as somewhat of a recluse.
--Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

The mere sense of living is joy enough.
--Emily Dickinson

My friends are my estate.
--Emily Dickinson

Friday, June 16, 2006


My Political View

I have chosen to stay out of the political arena, mainly because it is a farce and it is powered by men who do not know the value of human life. They profess to care about the public, but from what I have seen, they do not. All they care about is what is best for themselves, not for the masses. It is ironic that they want to make sure all the countries do not have nuclear weapons, but who, we ourselves have them. If we cared about such things, why don’t we make the first stand and get rid of ours? We are not a peace loving nation, we are a war ravage nation, that loves drama, and wants to have absolute control of everything around us. I am sure there are some politicians who are sincerely trying to fight against the bull that is running our government. It is not Bush who is running our government, it is the people who are backing him up. I have not read enough to know who these people are, or what their motive is, but I know they are there. Bush has displayed his utter stupidity in his speeches, interviews, and the way he stands there like a little boy with his hands in his pocket, not knowing what is really going on. I bet he is a good man, he loves his wife Laura and their children. I see that, I do have respect for him, though I do not share the same opinions or views.
I am also deeply perplexed by these people who think global warming is not happening. My brother Rob is in agreement with this idea, he says it is a farce and it is not happening. I felt like saying to him and to the mass others who share this view, are you blind? I have noticed some things that are happening in my area and around me. The weather change, the way the rivers are getting higher, and countless other things that are happening. A few weekends ago, Amber and I went to Willow Grove beach to have a bon fire with some friends. We noticed that the pier has gotten higher and are covering a lot of things on the Columbia River. The water level is much higher than it had been, a few months ago when I went with my sister Carri. You cannot tell me that pollution is not real, global warming is not happening, and that it is a big lie. It reminds me of when people that the world was flat and the few who said it was round were laughed at. It is the same thing, but in a different arena. I want to see Al Gore’s movie about global warming. I saw him interviewed on Jay Leno a few nights ago, I rarely watch Jay Leno, I do not like him, but hearing Al Gore talking about something that interest me, stopped me in my tracks.


I usually keep my political views to myself, I do not like arguing with individuals whose views I do not share. What is the point, you just end up pissing each other off, what does it solve. I chose to let each person have their own views on things, but when it is interfering with someone’s rights as a human being, that is crossing the line. I know that in America, women have a lot more freedom then those in Arabia, and other countries alike. These fundamentalists that prohibit someone’s rights to their own views, beliefs, choices, and opinions, cross the line in ever aspect of the Jesus, or God they profess to worship. I am offended as a woman that men blame women for their raging hormones, the reason they can’t keep it in their pants, the reason that they desire a woman, first off, it is their brain that is causing those desires, not the woman. All she could be doing is licking an ice cream cone, in a pair of jogging pants and a baggy t-shirt and some man would find that alluring and want to pounce on her. I am offended that we are portrayed as dumb women, who should not have a voice, who should not work, whose sole purpose is to take care of their husbands every whim to the determent of their health. I know this first hand, I’ve lived it. I am even more offended that women who have chosen to live without a man, to not put up with the garbage that is thrown at them, are called old hags, or a ball busting bitch. It is offensive to me. I am also not saying that all men have these same views, but a lot do. What baffles me even further is the way women are in denial about how much control they have given away of their own mind, body, and soul to the media, men, organizations, and illusions of what is reality. Everyday I see this, from the many women that I have in my life. I am lucky enough to have a few women who are not taking the world view of what a real woman is and killing themselves to being what everyone else is. I can name a few women who have demonstrated these qualities. I am also glad we have the internet and that there are brave women who sharing their voice. That said, I read this article on Irani Women and it horrified me. It is not as far off to what my own teenage years were like, the only difference is we didn’t have to wear a cover over our heads.

The Unknown Answer

The dream goddess came into my dreams last night and comforted me, showed me what I must do in my relationship with Monte and with myself. She told me I needed to listen to that wise voice inside of me. That I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I can accomplish what I need to. The voice has told me for a long time now, to stop calling Monte and see if he is really interested in a friendship with me or if it is bullshit. That is the answer I am seeking.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Butterflies and Tigers, Oh My

I am reading about animal totems and finding your own. In this book “The complete book of women’s wisdom” by Cassandra Eason, the way to do it is in your dreams. An animal that you dream about. I have two that I dream about, Tigers and Butterflies.
Eason writes on Butterflies “The butterfly is often associated with the sixteenth-century mystic St Teresa of Avila, who likened the process of dying to a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Because of its transience, the butterfly is also a symbol of living in the present, a reminder to enjoy each day for what it is without always worrying about a past that cannot be changed or a future as yet unmade.”
Then she says about tigers “Representing strongly animus power, the tiger is the totem of a number of women I have interviewed who function in highly competitive or chauvinistic work places. The tiger is the king of beasts in mythology.” What a combination.
I took a nice, long, hot bath and meditated for awhile. I have not meditated in a long time. I needed to release some negative energy that is around me. I must do this daily for my own sanity, I realized. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I did something last night that I read in the Eason book. Except that I adapted it to my own liking. Instead of drawing pictures of a monster with all my negative energy and then drawing things to counteract them, I cut out pictures. I cannot draw at all. Instead, I just did the positive, I just cut out positive words that reflected me. It was fun, I had not done that since I was a little kid. It is fun getting back to my roots. Several authors have suggested making collages as a way to meditate and find your core person, to discover you inner compass. It is about time I learned what my voice is telling me, follow my instincts, and my creativity. I have to value my own opinions and listen to the inner voice that is speaking. I can hear her calling me………

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


On a cloudy, thunderous day, I talked to a couple of good friends, which I have not done in a long while. Monte believes that I can move past these things that are holding me down, I just need to get moving. Getting moving is the hardest part for me, getting started in any project. The other day Amber and I were talking about this same subject, concerning housekeeping. We both hate it, but once we get started we cannot stop. It is the getting started that is the problem.
I am proposing that I have not gotten started on my quest to use my compass, the deep impact of my soul to guide me. I hear it speaking to me when I am sleeping, telling me what I need to do, to accomplish, but I do nothing. Instead I give in to my whims and make those phone calls or do those things that I know I should not.
I must sit down and write out ten things I want to accomplish by September, but I have not gotten started. I procrastinated again, finding solace in a warm better, sleeping, dreaming, and not accomplishing anything. I needed to rest, my face has been hurting for awhile and I am feeling exhausted, though some of the exhaustion is lifting. I am tired of telling people that I want to change, but then I sit there still in the same spot crying oh woe is me. I am tired of hearing myself whining about the same thing. I want to move past my past and step forward into the future I know I can have. I have to start listening to my inner voice and actually follow through on something. Maybe if I break it down into baby steps, I’ll be able to accomplish what I need to do this year in discovering who I am and what I am all about.

Choices That Are Hard To Make

I got some good advice from a friend this morning, I do not follow through with the plans that I want to make. Actually, my first step would be to actually sit down and make a list of goals and the actions I need to take to accomplish them. I have not done that yet. I do not need a life coach for that purpose. I have been good at inspiring others, so why can’t I inspire myself. I have so much and it is so overwhelming. I guess I should write down ten things to accomplish for the next 4 months and then work from there. Maybe if I break it down into smaller steps, I will be able to actually do something. I am so focused on losing Monte friendship, that I have lost focus of me and what I need to accomplish. I am sitting here waiting for him to notice me, what kind of life is that. Waiting by the phone, waiting for him to notice me, miss me, want me, and love me. I cannot live like that, I do not want to live like that. He does not want me to be that way either. I am driving him and myself crazy with this. I know he likes me, he does not want to lose our friendship. I believe him when he says it, I’ve looked in his eyes. I think tonight, I am going to sit down, write out ten things I want to accomplish by September and then go on from there. Then I want to start making lists of things I want to do every day, to keep myself busy and my mind off of everything. I know that I am driving myself crazy sitting here in this apartment and not living my life. I need to take the bull by the balls and rip them off and start living.

Numerology Report

I tried a free numerology report on the web, it looked interesting to me. Astrology, stars, tarot, and horoscopes. My friend Karen believes in this stuff and has her charts done.Your Inner or Soul's Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction.Number: 6You desire responsibility, steadfast love, a harmonious home, domesticity, and maintaining long-standing family traditions. The perfect environment for you has ease, comfort, beauty, music, and harmony.You empathize with those who, through no fault of their own, are suffering. You are sympathetic to the needs of humanity. If you knew how, you would correct all injustice as a cosmic parent or guardian would. You have a good sense of loyalty and are a natural counselor.You are artistic, kind, understanding, inclined toward conventionality but broad-minded. When your emotions aren't too involved, you are a fine judge of character.Your life can be richer if you cultivate firmness and assertiveness to better balance your emotions and sense of justice, and realize that others have their own valid points of view.Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you.Number: 5You are seen as curious, sensual, witty, carefree, capricious, and restless. Monotony does not survive around you. You are adept with words and can entertain new ideas with relish, making you an enjoyable person to be around.You tend to be fashion conscious.You may go to extremes in outerwear (and underwear), just to be daring and watch people's reactions or to be in the limelight. Realize your personality can be stylishly expressed, without overdoing it, and still fit the occasion.Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, "shoulds", and "shouldn'ts" -- this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams..Number: 5You travel to all countries of the world and experience the cultures they have to offer. You are fluent in all native languages and thrill with understanding many and varied points of view. Ties and responsibilities are not present. You live for adventure and constant new experience.Your thoughts and pleasure are not predictable, even to yourself, but always relate to learning or experiencing new things.Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days.Number: 11Your destiny is to serve the human race. You see where the spirituality of the world can be improved and work tirelessly to bring it about.You are intuitive, psychic, visionary, and inspired, with an innate desire for harmony and impersonal perspective; all of which allow you to serve most ably as a diplomat, reconciliator, counselor, and mediator. You enjoy exploring, inventing, writing, lecturing, and working with minute details; and you feel rewarded for your efforts whenever you receive tender acknowledgment from those who feel close to you. With your instinctive response to rhythm, you can contribute much with music.You are refined, spiritual, inspired, and have a vibrant personality.Your Life's Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path.Number: 11You are drawn to movements or organizations with idealistic aims. You have a tendency to become caught up in fanatical cults or other fringe movements. Your path includes diplomacy in its various aspects -- smoothing the affairs of others with discretion, tact, intuition, cooperation, patience, persistence, persuasion, and loyalty to those you serve; being the peacemaker, cultivating friendships, and helping others reach their goals. Your path is easier when you express kindness and gentleness and are considerate of others' feelings.Your path includes developing your talents of invention, seeking the discovery of new principles, and elevating everything to the plane of inspiration. If you decide to investigate the psychic, healing, and metaphysical fields, you will be able to put them to their highest use. Trust your intuitions. Inspire by your own example. You can effect more change through persuasion than by force.Your opportunities are along spiritual lines or in the realms of invention, metaphysics, politics, or acting. You are liable to achieve great public attention and influence if you do not seek them from ulterior motives. You do well helping others reach their goals.This Year's Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year -- your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year.Number: 7This is your year for personal reflection and perfection, a year of introspection. You feel like analyzing everything you have been and are doing. You think about beauty, love, perfection, and what life is all about.You spend a good deal of time alone, getting acquainted with yourself and your new inner power. This year you gain a better understanding of your emotions and your spiritual nature. Take time out to rest, study, read, and travel, and to look at life from a different angle. Find outlets for personal creative expression.If you have psychic, spiritual, new age, or mystic interests, this is the year to pursue those studies.Quality is your standard.Next Year's Path.Number: 8This is your year of achievement, your year to make great strides in business, employment, promotions, monetary compensation, and/or the accumulation of possessions. It is your harvest time.You feel ambition stirring, a desire to better your financial condition. To accomplish this, it is necessary to be businesslike, efficient, and practical all year.Many opportunities present themselves. To gain your rewards, move forward in a businesslike manner and with sustained effort. Your state of mind, mental capacity, education, experience, and self-confidence are all part of your success and financial advancement.You feel desire to make a special effort to improve or bring to a successful conclusion some of the ideas and dreams of the past years.This is a year of action. Place your abilities on the market with a sense of self-confidence and authority.Last Year's Path.Number: 6This is a year of service for you, a duty year. You feel you're assuming new responsibilities. People make more demands of you this year. You are needed in many directions.Warmth and good will toward others, along with love and harmony, will make everything worthwhile. Justice, fair play, and honesty are important. It is a year for unselfish service.Take care of your health because without it you cannot help others. Find time for rest and relaxation. This is a year to be thorough and conscientious about everything that you do.It is a year of fine and friendly influence for marriage, tranquil home conditions, and traditional family activities. You may feel a strong desire to get settled.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Phenomenal Woman

I heard this poem being read by Maya Angelou awhile back and I saw it in a book that I am reading and I love it so much. I wanted to share.

Phenomenal Woman
By Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size, but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies. I say, it’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride in my step, the curl of my lips. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. I walk into a room just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can’t touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can’t see. I say, it’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Now you understand just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing it ought to make you proud. I say, it’s in the click of my heels, the bend in my hair, the palm of my hand, the need for my care. ‘Cause I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.