A great journey in progress!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Being Myself

myspace layouts, myspace codes, glitter graphics

I found this graphic and I loved it. I feel this way about myself. I have to be me.

Audrey Hepburn

I enjoy Audrey Hepburn. I wanted to pay homage to her.

Friday, October 27, 2006


My friend Monte asked me to put up some speakers for sale on Craigslist, I did. Within an hour we got a hit from someone who wanted to purchase them. We were both surprised by the seemly instantaneous response we got from this guy named Johnson A. He fed us a sob story about losing his wife and how she promised his son, some nice speakers. I didn’t believe his story, but hey we were both willing to give the benefit of the doubt to him. He said he made a Western Union money order through them and even faked up a Western union confirmation email letter. Ok, that was Wednesday. I lost my power for a couple of days and when I went back on this evening, I reread the emails and I decided to call western union myself concerning this matter. They don’t even do an auction site and they don’t send out confirmation emails, as of December 31. Beware of anyone who is using this method to deceive you, when you are selling items on the internet.
This is what you should do, this is what saved Monte and I a headache of him losing his speakers and for me having the headache of dealing with this stuff.
1) Check the persons zip code that they give you to be sure it is a legitimate one.
2) if he is sending a western union money order, call western union. Do not be deceive by an email from w_u_confirmation letter@post.com . This is not a legitimate western union address.
3) do not for absolutely no reason send anything without payment, that is real.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Addictions are hard to deal with, I do have a food addiction. I admit it and I have for a few years now. It is even more illuminating in my mind, as I am going for the laparoscopic lap band procedure and the whole process of that. I knew this isn’t going to be the cure for everything that is going on in my emotional state, but only my physical. So when my sister, Joy, Im’d this afternoon and told me to watch Oprah, because it is dealing with the weight loss surgery and the causing of patients to go to other addictions, I knew I must watch. Oprah’s program showed a lot of heart and soul, as I sat watching it, a lot of it rang true for myself. I have admired Carnie Wilson for awhile now, she is a wonderful woman, and I admire her ability to share publicly her struggles, triumphs, battles, and the outcome. This show was helpful and I enjoy Robins point of view.
I am fearful of offsetting a deep family history of alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual addictions, and gambling that strings in my family line up. I just happened to bypass all those addictions and got the food addiction. I have to change that and deal with the emotional aspect of why I am eating until I am so full, I wanna throw up, or eat until I have no food in the house, or better yet, eat until I am hurting from the stomach cramps that are brought on my overeating. I have a lot to deal with the change that is going to be necessary to be a better me.

This Is So True

"There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future!"

I got this on a Myspace bulletin from my friend Kelly. This statement is so true, it makes me cherish the people who are REAL in my life. My dad always told me that "Change is a part of life, you can either accept it and move on, or you can let it drown you in the sea of sorrow and regret." Changes are happening in my life and I am not going to be drowned in the sorrow or regrets that could encompass me, all I can do is move on down the path that I am on.

Monday, October 23, 2006

My Aura Is Blue

Another fun blogthings quiz that I took this afternoon....

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.

You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.

The purpose of your life: showing love to other people

Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah

Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor


I took this quiz just for fun and I got a surprising answer, see below. The reason it surprises' me is because I am in fact a Gemini and I cannot imagine having my true love being the same sign as I am. In fact, one of my male friends is a Gemini and we have an intense, passionate relationship at times and then he cools off, we've never looked at each other as anything more than buddies. So this is a big, ummm moment for me. It is scary, at least to me.

Your True Love Is a Gemini

Why you'll love a Gemini:

Witty and sharp, a Gemini can keep up with your fast (and ever changing) mind.

You're both fun loving and free spirits. You and a Gemini can enjoy each other without expectations.

Why a Gemini will love you:

Not only can you keep up with a Gemini's sharp tongue, you can introduce a challenge or two...

You're appetite for fun and novelty will keep a Gemini interested - at least for a bit longer than usual!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Life Chain

I went up on Dr. Phils website tonight, while I was chatting on MSN with my big sister, Joy. You might know her website http://joystory.blogspot.com/
She got on me about my negative voice that is in my head, thanks sis.
Dr. Phil's section on his website called advice, where you can get a bunch of exercise's on different aspects of your life. They sure do make you think, I'm going to try and do as many of them as I possibly can. I'm ready for change and he may be an abrasive personality, but what he says does make sense. Here are some my answers that I worked out for my first exercise. I've got a lot of things to conquer, and I'm up for the challenge now. Better late than never....

1. Where were you born? Longview Washington USA

2. Where do you live now? I live in Vancouver

3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living? My mom was a caregiver, until she got sick and passed away, I never knew my real father. Then I lived with Vickie who struggled to keep everyone’s head above water and then the Coons. Different aspects that have changed in a lot of areas, all had positive and all had negative affects on how I think and conduct myself.

4. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world? My mom hated men, thought they were scum, she said you can’t trust anyone, not even yourself. Vickie was the same way to some degree. The Coons, women were not to have a mind of their own or express themselves. They were suppose to be the caretakers of the family. Their opinion did not matter.

5. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?
My beliefs about family, religion, and politics are letting each person be who and what they want to be without judgment. I honestly cannot say what my place in this world is, I’m still struggling with that one.

6. What is your life chain?


"When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and intelligence cannot be applied." --Herophilus

I got this quote in an email today. It is so true. Health is a part of every aspect of your life. I am learning that now, as I am struggling with my health. I have been so out of whack for so long, that it is a struggle to be put back into balance. When one thing goes awry everything else seems to follow right behind. Balance, isn’t that an interesting word.
My life is out of balance at this moment, though things are slowly improving as time goes on. I just wish it was faster, I am impatient, though I have to realize I didn’t get in this position in one day, so it isn’t going to take one day to fix them all. I need to find joy and comfort again. I have to let my authentic self out of the bag that I have tied it up in for so long. I am finding freedom in untying that bag. The bag is black, but when you open it you see a multitude of colors that shine out, I’m discovering that I am appreciating the differences in me and others in my life. If they don’t understand how I tick, then that is their problem. I have to be who I am, I cannot mold myself in what others expect from me. I have been told, that I am a rare person, I don’t judge, I love unconditionally, and I don’t expect anything in return. Why should I? It is everyone’s choice to be who they are, I have faults, and I don’t want someone condemning me or speaking negatively about me. Supporting someone in spite of the bullshit that mucks up relationships is difficult. I learned a long time ago, life is short, and I don’t want to waste my time . I have so many things to worry about, I’ve already wasted my time sitting here wondering why. I’ve let myself go, I have to change that. That is one of the major changes I have to make. Geese, I have so many of them to do. Don’t we all though?


Interesting questions (if I do say so myself), despite some of them being pretty weird:
Write down the name of ten friends next to the numbers and answer the questions.
01. Amber M
02. Amber B
03. Monte
04. Christina
05. Victoria
06. Russ
07. Jacqueline
08. Melissa
09. Joy
10. Carri
01. Would you risk your life to save # 9's? Yes, of course. She is my sister and my friend.

02. If # 3 was in jail for murder and you knew they were guilty would you still try bailing them out?
Yes, of course. He will still need to have the trial.

03. If you were of the sex # 5 was most interested in and they asked you out do you think you'd say yes (supposing that you were then most interested in their sex too)? No, she is my big sister and that would be weird.

04. Would you party with # 10? I’ve done that already and yes we could have another slumber party adult style.

05. Would you go to 3rd base with # 6 if you were to be paid a lot of money for it? I think my friend Amber M would kill me if I did that with her man, so the answer is no.

06. How much would you settle for before you did it (if you could be convinced by money)? No amount of money would make me do it with a guy.

07. If # 2 desperately wanted to die and couldn't bare living anymore (and knew they never would) would you help assist in their suicide if they begged you to? Yes

08. If # 7 were to leave your country in 2 weeks time and made it clear they were never coming back what would you do for them? I would help them pack.

09. If you were to become a private investigator and you had to choose one of the 10 mentioned friends to work as one of those people who seduces (non-sexual) the husband/wife/ girlfriend/boyfriend of the client in order to test the client's lover's fidelity then who would you choose? Monte, because he is a flirt and would be good at something like that.

10. What features made you choose this answer? Because he is a flirt.

11. If # 4 were to suddenly lose the ability to speak your language and the only way you could understand him/her would be to learn their language (which takes a while) would you bother to learn the language so you could keep communicating with them? Sure

12. If # 8 kept truthfully saying that they were actually someone of the opposite sex who has really been crossdressing all these years but refused to show you 'proof' how long would it take (if ever) for you to finally believe them?
Awhile, because she is a pretty girl.

13. If # 6 had an obsessive compulsive reaction in which they punched you really hard whenever you said the words 'they' 'you' 'the' 'like' (when used out of context) or 'it/it's' would you still hang out with them? Actually, I would hit him back and then if that didn’t work, I’d stop using those words.

14. If # 1 were to suddenly change groups they hung out with would you move groups with them? I don’t hang out in groups.

15. Supposing you didn't move groups with them would you still keep in touch often? Yes of course.

16. What is one of the best experiences you had with #7? The day she cut my hair and did my make up and we took pictures. Oh yeah, and scary movie night.

17. If # 10 were to marry one of the other people you listed who would it most likely be? None of them.

18. Have you ever seen # 3 drunk? What is their personality like when they are drunk? Yes….

19. If # 1 were to get in a fist fight with #8 who would win? I think Amber would win.

20. If # 4 and 2 had a dance off who do you think would win? Amber would.

21. If # 9 and #5 had a drinking contest who do you think would win? My big sister Vickie.

22. What's the weirdest thing #2 has ever said to you? That is private…

23. Does #6 have any weird fetishes? (doesn't have to just be sexual.) constantly eating sweets. LOL

24. Would #1 eat a cooked insect which was made perfectly hygenic if they were dared to? I don’t think she would.

25. If you were to describe #9 as either a good influence or a bad influence which would you choose? Good

26. If #4's parents were away and they made him/her promise not to hold a party would they still hold one anyway? No

27. If you told #10 who you had a crush on are they likely to accidentally blurt it out to the guy/girl/ someone you don't want to know about the crush? No

28. Have you ever hated #7 or had a period where you didn't really like them much? No

29. What would you do if #3 started ending all their sentences in 'kupo' and refused to do otherwise? I would think he was on some kind of drug.

30. What are the first impressions people generally get from #8? How beautiful she is.

31. Does #5 have a movie/book which they love so much they can practically memorise it/tell hundreds of quotes from it? No

32. Who out of #8 or #9 would be most likely to be a swinger? Melissa would be

33. Who out of #10 and #2 would be the most likely to tell the truth in truth or dare? Carri

34. Who out of #3, #7 and #5 is the most open minded? Jacqueline

35. Who out of #1 and #4 do you think has the most celebrity crushes? Amber m

Changes Are A Coming

Changes are a coming. I’m thinking about change. I have to change a lot of things in my life or I will live a miserable life. Miserable by not having a true life. I’ve been without one for a long time that I have forgotten what it truly feels like. I forget that my friends have lives of their own and even family.
I keep making mistakes, I keep having dilemmas because I am making stupid decisions about my life. I get accused of being private, not telling the ones I love how I feel, what I want, what my opinion is, letting them know how they can help me, I don’t know what to say. This is a new experience for me, I have never been asked these questions in my life. I’ve been the caregiver of many people in my life, they acted like they were not interested, maybe some of them weren’t really. Who knows for sure now? I can’t ask those people if they were or not.
Though in my heart, I know that changes are true, but the emotional aspects are what is getting me. Do I have the self control that it is going to take to change my eating habits, do the things I am going to need to do to get healthy? Am I going to be able to get back up on my feet again in all the areas in my life? In all the aspects of my life, things are changing, I’ve been fighting the change, it seems to keep flooding out of me until the edges of the banks cannot hold the flood of water that keeps flowing over. I can’t live like this anymore and I have to practice self control and learn that fears are apart of my life. I think I will start here by writing each fear down that I have, concerning a person, place, or thing.
The first worry that I have is concerning losing weight and having self control in what I eat. I have this fear inside of me that I don’t have any self control. I let boredom overtake me sometimes. It is so much easier to head to the kitchen to eat something and watch the boob tube while I could be doing other things in my apartment to make it more mine and not a dismal existence.
The second fear I have is in my friendship with Monte, it has been an up and down relationship from the beginning. I seem to set him off, because of the way I think and do things. He tells me I am the only one who drives him crazy and he has ripped me apart a lot. He just did the other day. He did feel bad and apologized to me and I accepted it. I am just me, I don’t think like anyone else. I have a different perspective and a different attitude towards things. I also screw up a lot in my life, and it is because of my choice of being in a cocoon for so long. I am not now and I’m still on the learning, I don’t think we ever lose that learning period in our life. We learn until the day we die and maybe even after we are long dead and gone. It seems like every two months things are great and then they go bad, it is like a cycle between us and I’m going to have to go through the ebb and the flow and just be there for him and love him anyway. I do too. I also have to take care of me. He is excited about my upcoming procedure. He cares about me a lot and wants me to lose my weight. He says he is going to be there for me, it is rare for me that someone is going to be there for me and mean it. I hope he means it, I want him to mean it. I just wish that he didn’t exhibit so much anger and then all of a sudden love so often. I’ve had a lot of friendships and family relationships that were like that and I hate it. I don’t do that to them, I don’t stop loving them, ignore them, or drop out of their lives for a period of time just because they are doing something I do not like or anything, and I don’t want that done to me. I don’t like being a yoyo. I’m not talking about Monte here only, most of the people in my life have done this to me. I hate it a lot, I have accepted that, that is how some people are. I love every person in my life with my full heart and soul and I don’t want to lose relationships at all.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

What Makes You Wanna Dance?

what track from the past will always make you want to get up and dance?

There are many songs from my past that make me want to get up to dance, sing, or just plain bring back memories. The artists that do this are Duran Duran, Elton John, Whitney Houston, Anita Baker, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Led Zepplin, The B-52’s, and so many more. Even Lesley Gores songs “It’s My Party” or “You Don’t Own Me” make me want to dance sometimes and bring back memories. Each song that I know has a memory attached to them and to individuals in my life who have inspired and been in my life. I will always remember them for that same reason.

Three Amigos

This is a picture of my friend Amber and her little sister Jacqueline. I just got a haircut and Jackie did my makeup. I felt pretty that day. Thanks Guys!!!

Friday, October 20, 2006


I have a secret, I love fashion. Being a big and fabulous woman, it is difficult for me to exclaim this in public or even to my peers. I like clothes, shoes, purses, and all those accessories. I love looking at clothes catalogs, fantasying what I would look like in particular outfits, with the whole effect of makeup, hair, jewelry, fabulous shoes, and a totally awesome purse. Well the purse is a totally different matter, purses are boring to some extremes, at least the ones I can afford. Vickie, my sister and I were discussing this matter today, how purses are boring. She likes to make her own, in fact, she was telling me about all her fabulous finds she found at a thrift store for less than $15. Fabric at a fabric store is expensive, compared to what you can find at a thrift store. She found an old leather skirt, some sequence pants and shorts, all great material to make purses from. The purse I have now is great. I love it. It is a black jean material and when you open it up inside, there is a bright multi striped color material inside. I feel like I am opening up a present and discovering a brightly, colored gift inside. Shouldn’t we get things that give us joy when we use them?

Interesting Questions In Case You Are Bored.

1. The time: 3:37 AM

2. The weather: Cold and Wet

3. The big news story: I do not know at this early hour.

4. Your favorite hangout: My apartment or at my friends.

5. The must-have accessory: shoes. LOL

6. Name one of your bad habits: eating when I am bored and biting my nails.

7. What do you expect from friends? This is a good question. I want them to treat me with respect, compassion, and understanding and I will do the same for them. We may have disagreements, but there is always compromise.

8. What is the last thing you wrote down? Probably this.

9. What is the last favor you did for someone else? The newest one will be helping a friend move to their new apartment.

10. What is your favorite TV show? I have a few that I enjoy watching. Bones, Oprah, any crime shows.

11. What's the last thing you broke? My ankle

12. What's the most expensive thing you've broken? My car

13. Do you consider yourself clumsy or graceful? Extremely clumsy

14. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? none

15. Someone asks for change while you're walking down the street -- what do you? If I have it, I will give it to them.

16. Where were you last night? At my apartment.

17. Did you speak with anyone? Yes, Christina, my mom, Monte, and Vickie.

18. What were you wearing? My pajamas

19. What did you eat or drink? Pasta

20. Can anyone verify your whereabouts from midnight to 5am? Nope.

21. How much TV do you watch? A lot

22. What type of show is your favorite? Crime mysteries.

23. Which talk show host do you hate? I was not a big fan of Rosie O’donnell.

24. Are you looking forward to any new season premieres? Not really

25. Which show is your guilty pleasure? None

26. When is the last time you dressed inappropriately for a situation? I don’t think I’ve ever done that.

27. How many friends do you have? A few

28. Are you running on time today? Always

29. Do you use bleach on your laundry? Depends on what I am washing.

30. What are your thoughts on guns? I do not own one, but I am not opposed to people owning them, as long as they are responsible. There are evil people out there and we do need to protect ourselves.

31. When I'm angry, I ____ yell and curse to myself and then go eat.

32. I was born in ____ a hospital in Longview Washington.

33. I laughed so hard when ____ I am hanging out with my friends.

34. Who do you live with? No one.

35. Do you like who you live with or do you want change? nope

36. Describe the ideal roommate: I don’t want a roommate. I would like a relationship with a male someday, and that would consist of mutual love and respect of each other.

37. How much sleep did you get last night? 8 hours

38. Where would you love to play hide-and-seek? The forest.

39. Do you work hard or do you take the easy way out? I give everything I can give to things.

40. How's your day going? It is going.

41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Quite a few.

42. Do you consider yourself cool? I can be.

43. What's the last song you listened to? It’s not right by Whitney Houston.

44. When is the last time your phone rang in the middle of the night? I got a phone call at 12:30 from Monte, so quite often I do.

45. Who makes you yell? I don’t yell that often.

46. What do you do for fun? Ummm. I like to read, listen to music, hike, see shows, and hang out with my buds.

47. Who is number one in your life? Me

48. Do you smoke? Nope

49. Are you more likely to be caught humming, whistling or singing to yourself? All of them.

50. Have you ever been to New Orleans? Nope

51. When is the last time you saw the sun rise? It’s been awhile.

52. Can you swim? Yes

53. What don’t you understand? I don’t understand how some people can fight so foolishly over religion and politics when those things do not matter, it is being good to each other that is important.

54. Name someone in your life with blue eyes? How about most of my family.

55. When was the last time you go dirty? The last time I got seriously dirty was when I helped Summer pull her tree out of her moms yard. I laid down in the dirt to get that burger out.

56. Are you a lefty or a rigthy? I am a righty.

57. Name the last person:

Hugged: Monte

Smiled at: my neighbor

Deceived: Myself

Glared at: Monte in humor. LOL

58, Have you ever had an addiction? Yes, still do to food.

59. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope

60. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Vanilla or chocolate.

61. Have you ever been to the circus? Nope

62. What do you think of North Korea testing nuclear weapons? It is scary to think about.

63. How many foreign countries have you visited? 1 Canada

64. What do you always take with you on vacation? Clothes, shoes, camera, and money.

65. Name something you've lost recently: I can’t think of anything.

66. Do you prefer action packed vacations or relaxing ones? A little of both.

67. Other people's vacation photographs: do you really want to see them? Yes, some of them.

68. What was the last new song you discovered? I am friends with Monte, he is always introducing me to new types of music, so I’m always discovering news songs. I can’t remember their titles or the groups.

69. What was the last new dish you tasted? My mom made a grit soufflé and it was pretty good.

70. Where was the last place you visited for the first time? The Grand Canyon.

71. What was the last new toy you played with? Um. I don’t remember.

72. Name your favorite...

Candy: sweet tarts

Cookie: peanut butter

Donut: apple fritters

Cold drink: cherry coke

Hot beverage: tea

73. Do you play cards? yes

74. Do you have any rings on your hands? nope

75. Would you describe yourself as innocent? I can be.

76. What do you think of chivalry? It would be nice, but there are very many people out there who do it.

77. Have you seen The Thomas Crown Affair? Yes

78. Favorite phrase when you have:

Ate food that tasted bad: eew gross.

Stubbed your toe: Fuck

Become frustrated: What in the hell

Broken something: damn it.

Been cut off by another driver: I don’t say anything.

79. Where did you grow up? Longview Washington.

80. Have you ever been to Indiana? Nope

81. Describe yourself at age 18: Young, naïve, stupid, and a know it all.

82. How do you deal with pain? By stuffing it.

83. When is the last time you screwed up? When don’t I screw up.

Thursday, October 19, 2006


As I wrote in my previous post, I have opted to receive the laparoscopic lap band system to aid me in losing weight. I researched all the options, when everything else fails, you sometimes have to go within and receive help in treating your problem. The lap band is an adjustable procedure. It is a laparoscopic procedure with no more than a 24 hour hospital stay. It has a low mortality rate, it is least invasive approach compared to the gastric bypass, there is a low risk of operative complications, and there is no cutting, stapling, or intestinal re-routing involved at all. All things that helped me sway towards this procedure in the first place.
I am at the beginning stages of the process, I made this decision, mailed in my application for approval and now I have to wait impatiently for approval for the surgery. I’m nervous and scared that I will not be accepted, but at the same time, I am hopeful too. I know all the requirements, that this is a lifetime of changes that I must met and change. Eating for emotional comfort or just because I am bored has to stop. I have to get more exercise and make that a priority. I also have to go to all my doctor appointments, and take care of my body. I do not want to be unable to function and require more help in the future. Things have to change and I have to put all of my gumption into this life altering decision that I have made. It is going to be a challenge, I’m going to have to step outside of my normal comfort zone and seek the help that I need, I can’t be a bystander and think I can do it myself. I can’t be ashamed anymore of how I am or what is going on in my life. This is going to be a huge undertaking and I sometimes feel that I do not have the strength to meet all the challenges that are impending, but I also know that I cannot go on living the way that I am either. This is what has been going on for the last few months, among other life changing events, but this is the one that has been the most on my mind.

Lap Band

I haven’t been on the internet for a few months, things happen that you cannot change or do anything about sometimes. I’m not gonna dwell on that subject at all, the important thing is I’m back on.

I am facing a new chapter in my life, in several areas. I have made a conscious, difficult, and painful decision. The muck of denial I immersed myself in for so long, concerning my weight and my health, the shades of denial, overlooking, giving up, loathing of myself is on a perpetual spin in a new and different direction. I have opted to get the Laparoscopic adjustable gastric banding done. I’ve been thinking about this procedure for years and years. I am finally going for the gold, concerning my weight and health. My weight finally caused me to suffer extreme health issues that I am having right now. I have to be a fighter for myself and I realize this is for my health. I do not want to become a cripple at age 33 and be the way I am now. Something has to give, and I know what it is finally. I am not good at follow through, I never have been in my life. It is easier to deny, lie, and do whatever it takes to make that other person happy for the moment, even if it meant I lost my dignity in the process. That is no more. I made the first step by contacting the “Legacy Good Samaritan Obesity Institute” in Portland Oregon. I went to their information seminar and I got the application and I filled out the paperwork and mailed it in today. Hopefully, soon I will be hearing from them concerning this surgery and get the changes started. I have read the many pamphlets and researched it on my own, as well. I am confident with my decision, I am at peace that this is the path that I am meant to be on. When Rick passed away from complications from obesity two years ago, I knew then something needed to be done. I lost weight, but I have not been able to go pass the 300 pound mark. I always gained and lost, it is difficult and painful for me. I am opening up about my weight issues, these feelings that I am going through. I am grateful that I have a few people in my life who are going to support me through this life alternating experience. I am sending a huge thank you, I love you, and you are awesome to these people. My mom, my brother Rob and his family, my sisters Vickie, Joy, and Carri, my dear sweet friends Monte, Amber, and Christina. It means a lot to me to have all your support.