A great journey in progress!

Monday, May 29, 2006

In Remembrance Of My Dad

It is memorial day, a time to remember our loved ones. I am remembering my dad, Richard. He passed away in October and he is greatly missed by all who knew him.

Richard Wayne Coon

Richard Wayne Coon, 74, Longview, passed from death into eternal life on September 24, 2005 at home. He was born May 22, 1931 in Paul, Idaho, to William Fay and Jeannette (Hoppe) Coon. He graduated from Heyburn High School in 1949. After attending telegraphy school in Spokane, he joined the U.S. Navy in 1950 and served on the USS Dixie (a repair ship) till he was honorably discharged in 1954. He married Maurine (Myers) Coon in Gerber, California, August 7, 1955. After graduating from the Longview Business College in 1956, he worked for Roemer Electric Steel Foundry as office manager and expeditor until 1992. He is survived by his wife, Maurine; son, Robert Perry Coon of Portland and daughters, Joy Renee Davis of Phoenix, Oregon, Carrilee Sue Urquhart of Longview and Jamie Jean Holloway of Vancouver; five grandchildren, Jesse, Joshua, Nichole and Sarah Coon and Levi Urquhart. Also surviving are two brothers, Dean Coon of Spokane and Don Coon of Yuma, Arizona. Richard has dedicated his life to serving his Lord, after putting his trust in the Lord Jesus Christ as his Savior when he was about 18. He enjoyed his volunteer work and served as Secretary/Treasure for the Bible Chapel and Signs for the Lord for the past 50 years. He also belonged to several organizations RSVP, LCOD (Lower Columbia Organization on Disability), BVI (Blind and Visually Impaired support group) and faithfully drove his wife to several other organizations involving disabilities and senior issues-some across the state. Richard and his wife have been mutually recognized several times for volunteer service. In 1999 they received the Cowlitz County Outstanding Senior Award, with recognition by the Area Agency on Aging. In 2004 they received the President's Call to Service Award for dedicating over 4,000 volunteer hours. In 2005 they were recognized as Outstanding Volunteers for Washington State by Gov. Christine Gregoire. Richard was known as a very quiet, gentle person ready to help when needed. He enjoyed several years of teaching Sunday School classes, fixing things up around the house, working in the flower garden (growing flowers to share), playing horse shoes, bowling and playing checkers with his grandchildren. He enjoyed working with his computer-especially the accounting aspect. But his greatest love was reading his Bible and sharing the love of the Lord Jesus Christ. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him.


I have been thinking a lot about what my sister Vickie and I discussed the other day. My entire life, I have built on what others have thought of me, whatever I could do to make them happy, I took on that responsibility, whatever their moods were, problems they were having, and if they were mad, sad, pissed, angry, or frustrated I took that upon myself, and it was my fault that they were in those moods. Why? I do not know why, I don’t. Thinking back on it, it must have started with my real mom, I felt responsible for her mood swings and her problems. Though they had nothing to do with me, I still took them upon my shoulders.
So last night and this morning, I made up my mind, I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I cannot control the world, and I do not control others. I can only control what I think, say, or believe. I am not going to be the victim and let others put me in the victim role any longer. It is not my responsibility. I refuse to put it on my shoulders whether or not I make you happy. I have to be me, I have my own voice, opinions, thoughts, tastes, dreams, and desires. I am not going to please and make you happy and I am not obligated to do so. I can only make me happy. I believe this. I can only make myself happy. I have my freedom now, I do not have to bend to anyone’s whims and unrealistic expectations. I am free.
I will be lonely, bored, sad, angry, frustrated, at times, but I have to be grateful for what I have in my life. I have been given many gifts and I have not picked them up, I have been bind by others expectations and their thoughts of what I should be. I cannot do that any longer. The core person is in jeopardy and I cannot let her get lost any further than she already is. I feel that the end of the long journey that I have been on is coming to an end. I am grateful for my life and what I have been taught so far. I am changing my perspective and getting out of the delusion of my own making. I am not blinded by the masks any more. They are gone, I see truth and I am being set free.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Revelations From A Tired Soul

A revelation came to me in my sleep. I took this picture on my road trip last summer with my friend Amber. It is a peaceful picture, it reminds of the journey that I have been traveling on for the last couple of years. The rocky road, no one in sight, just me, my supplies, and my hatchet.

I found myself acting like I did a few months ago with a certain friend of mine, Monte. I see it now, I do not know how to stop. I some how want him to save me from something. That is unfair to him, unfair to me. He is not my savior or protector. He is a friend. I am acting like the crazy lunatic that I was and that is not me. I do not understand why every time we become friend again this ends up happening. It is tiring.

I do not want to waste anymore of my energy on this subject. It is boring. I want to live. I want to live, I tell you.

Under The Tuscan Sun

I watched on of my favorite movies tonight, Under The Tuscan Sun, Francis went to visit this vivacious woman that is full of life and she went up to this woman’s apartment and she told her to “Stop Wallowing”. That hit a nerve with me. I have been wallowing in the pain for so long, that I do not know what the light of day looks like. This pit of hell that I made for myself is tiring me out.
Upon examination, I realized that I have let myself go again. It shows, in my appearance, my apartment, and most importantly in my relationships. I am tired of the negative talk that overtakes me at different aspects of my day. I think I am going mad, when I criticize myself, my friends, my family, and every one else, especially in reality I am not any better than of them. I realize recently that this is a family trait, putting others down, gossiping about them behind their backs, pointing fingers, and most importantly putting guilt trips on them. I hate it. It drives me nuts to think that I have become like that. I do not want to be that way.
So on this rainy Sunday morning, after writing a long essay, I decided to stop wallowing in the pain and move on down the line. Now I need to get the rubber boots on and start wadding into the discovery of the deep waters of me…….

Reviving The Dead Woman

Reality struck me in the head, leaving a mark on me that is not going to go away unless I do something about it. I set out with major goals at the end of April and here I am, I feel like I am losing my mind. This negative self talk, mainly in my mothers voice, coming in to haunt me. My dreams tell me something different, showing me the light of the situation. There are hands out here wanting to help me accomplish what it is to be me. I do not want to live in denialville any longer. I know that for sure.
I cannot live in the lies that I make for myself any longer, or depend on someone else to be my everything. I find myself doing the exact same thing that ran him off last time, our relationship is on shaky ground already. I can feel the tension between us, but I can also feel the love and care he feels for me. He is a good friend, moody, but a good friend. I care a lot about him. We have been through so much together. These problems I have, long before I even met him, are mine to deal with. It is unfair to burden him with my bullshit and he is sick and tired of talking about our friendship and our many problems. I am sick of it too. I am choosing to end that right now. I have to focus on myself, the things I want, my hopes, dreams, desires, happiness, and get out of this rut that I am in. I do not want to be here any longer. I do not like myself any more.
I had a dream a few weeks back, I was climbing a mountain, Monte, Amber, Vickie, Linda, and several others were already on top, waiting for me to get there. Amber, Linda, and the others were not paying attention to me, but Monte was looking at me, offering me his hand to help me up where he was. He said you can do it, I know you can, I believe in you, I felt like I was going to fall and I did not. Then all of a sudden I morphed and I was looking at myself in a mirror, the face did not belong to me. Looking at it, it began to look mean, evil, cruel, and then it suddenly started to bleed.
Talking about the dream today, I realized what it meant, what it symbolizes. I am a true believer that dreams are tellers, they can help you solves problems in your lives. I know mine have. The meaning in this dream, is that I have been stuck on the side of this mountain and I am almost to the top of it, and I only have a small bit to go. The fears, self doubt, and insecurities in my head are paralyzing me to the point where I am going crazy. There are key people in my life who would be so happy that I made it, that I am finally myself, free to do what I want, need, and found my happiness. These people also are tired of me leaning on them constantly having them tell me who I am and bitching about this same thing over and over again. They are also tired of me doubting their love, care, and tenderness for me. They do not want me to make them feel guilty, manipulating them into being my friend, entertaining me, and being my constant companion. I saw this today, I am making a conscious choice to change that right now, before I lose anymore.
What can I do to get out from under the black rock that is crushing me into tiny little pieces, will the pieces be put back together? Can they be, is the more logical question? I have goals, here they are from when I typed them out in April.
Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.
Goal 5~~~ Volunteer at some place to get more experience…
I have been procrastinating on goals 3, 4, and 5. Either that or I have been living in denial land for awhile when it comes to those things. I think it is that I have been living in denial land for a long time, and it is easy to go back into the land of denial, bitching, and sobbing my way through a hopeless existence. I am making myself miserable with this rut that I am in. I am deciding today, I am going to get these things that I want. I am not going to be in denial in how things are and I am not going to sit around waiting for life to just happen. I do have to make an effort, I have to make a start. I cannot cling to the people who are in my life and expect them to live my life for me, tell me who I am, make choices for me. I have a voice. I want to use it. I am going to exercise my voice and let my voice be heard.

Friday, May 26, 2006


Why am I so afraid to tell people who care about me what is going with me? That I am miserable, unhappy, that things do not always work out as I have hoped, things have to be postponed, etc……… I hate disappointing people, why is that? Why do I feel like I have to make a production out of something that is so simple, that I just have to state it out right? Things are difficult for me right now, after my breakdown in March, where I lost it, depending on someone to make me happy. I cannot live that way again, I did that far too long already. Why is it so easy to go back to where you do not want to be?
I am feeling overwhelmed, anxious, alone, and sad. The two years since Rick’s death and I feel that I have not accomplished a thing. I wanted a life, I did not have a life with Rick. I got used to staying at home, doing nothing, slowly dying myself. Why did I do that to myself? Now, I am having a hard time with getting my own life, so I grab onto anyone that will let me. I feel alone, I tell others that is what I want, to be alone. In reality, I do not wish to be that. I just do not know how to reach out and let someone near me. It scares me to death. I met a friend that I feel a connection with, I feel I have destroyed the relationship, because of my ways. I care about him a lot, we have talked about a lot of things with each other, he was there when no one else was, during the anniversary of Ricks passing. I missed him the few times he told me to fuck off, because I was harassing him. I do not want to do that again. I find myself in the same predicament as before. It scares me to think that I am going to lose his friendship or any of the great people I know in my life. I feel like I have to bribe them to be around me, to like me, yet, I do not want that at all. It makes me feel like no one is truly a friend that way. I have to stop anyways, if I keep giving everything I have away, including me, what do I have left. I cannot give it away any longer, I am at the end of the line. I am closer to the end than I think any one realizes. I have kept a lot of the things that I am experiencing to myself. I do not know how to open up, speak out, and let me flow. I am still cooped up in the past life that I lived in Longview. The muck, the mire, the shit, that was my existence is gone, but is it really? It does not feel like it is at times.
Rick and I lived a lonely, bitter existence in Longview. His bitterness towards life, wore on me, I have been noticing that I have taken up some of his actions. I am not happy about that, I am having a hard time trusting and I find myself being manipulative, angry, frustrated, hurt, and irrational. I have not felt any of things ever before and I do not like it. I do not like bullshit and I feel that I am feeding it to people. If it keeps up, no one will want me around and I rather like some of the people in my life. I need to change some of this aspects, but I am at a lost to how or even what to change.
As you can probably tell, I have had a lot of things on my mind. It is tiresome and it does not get me anywhere. I have so much to change and I do not even know where to begin or even how to start. That is my dilemma……

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Week In Review

I have been fighting off my urges to call Monte. I am proud of myself. The temptations been great, but I have not given in. The first week has been the hardest, in the pursuit that I seek for myself in this matter. I am waiting for him to contact me. I believe what he said about not wanting to lose my friendship. I am learning new things while doing this about myself, about Monte, about my other relationships. I have not explored all the options that I have in this area. I have different types of relationships in my life. That is my quest right now, exploring them and engaging in these relationships and not just expecting one person to be my sole everything.
Tuesday, I went to my mothers for a visit. I have not been down there in awhile. It is hard to be in the house sometimes, because of my dad not being there anymore. I keep having this expectation of him walking out of his office with a book in his hand and start talking about his latest read. This time, my mom and I had a big talk about things, a serious talk. We have never engaged in such a conversation. We were talking about the loss of our partners in life. It has been over two years since Rick passed and my dad passed away 9 months ago. My mom does not show her emotions easily, everything is in a Polly Anna world to her. It was nice to have my mom be real about the emotional state she has been in, concerning my dads death and her twin sisters. After our talk, we went out to the backyard and gardened. I love gardening, getting my hands all dirty, seeing the worms, cocoons (wondering if they are for lady bugs, butterflies, or moths), and the Beatles. We worked in the yard for over an hour, talking too, you would be amazed what you talk about when you are working together. After working in the garden I went home and I found three of the movies I first ordered from Netflix, Walk The Line, Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, and Designing Women. I watched Designing Women first because I love that show on tv. I did not care for the episodes they chose to put on the DVD. Oh well, it nice to laugh. Then I watched Bridget Jones, I love it. I love the first one too. She is so real. It is so cool. I laughed, cried, and had insight. I love it when you get all these things from a movie.
On Wednesday, I watched Walk The Line movie, I didnt care for it all that much. I didnt even care for the Lord Of The Rings movies either. I know music history, thanks to Rick. I hate it when they do not follow exactly how it happened. I wish I was ignorant in this area, my life would be so much easier.
Last night, Friday night, I went to Ambers house. We went to Prescott beach, it is near the Trojan Nuclear plant. We wanted to get some snap shots before they destroy it. I am going to have one cool birthday candle that day, by birthday is May 21st and that is when they are destroying Trojan.. Trojan has been a land mark to me since I can remember. I always knew home is not too far away. I will miss that massive tower. Back to the beach, I slide down the sandy hill on my butt to get to the water. I bet it was a glorious sight. Jackie and I wrote everyones name in the sand and enjoyed the dirt on our feet. I am so glad I wore flip flops that day. I felt sorry for Russ because he wore tennis shoes. Amber didnt go down, she was up top of the massive hill taking pictures of us. The fun part came, when I tried to go up the sandy hill. I climbed it like I was a baby learning to crawl for the first time. I enjoyed it, water calms me, relaxes me, centers me it always has. I love the beach, water, trees, flowers, and animals. I met some cool animal friends yesterday, as well. I saw my nephew Ricks new home and spent most of the day with his wife Jessica and their furry critters. Steve, Christy, Spooky, Coats, and gazer. Steve is a lover, he kept coming up and kissing me and loving on me. It took Christy a moment, but she warmed up to me. Gazer, much to Jessicas surprise came up to me. He is skittish and doesnt go up to strangers. What can I say, animals love me. LOL Back to Ambers now, when we got back from the beach, we watched a scary movie, that made us all scream. It is called Into The Darkness, it is an independent film. It a psychological thriller and I love those, so does Amber.
Today, my new batch of movies are here, In her Shoes, The Good Son, and Proof, I know what I am doing today and tonight. If anyone has any recommendations for movies, please send them by..