Monday, August 29, 2005
Well I am back from my vacation, I also figured out how to add pics onto my blog, it took some help from my dear friend Amber, but i did it. The two weeks on the road, going through Oregon, California, Arizonia, New Mexico, Oaklahoma, Arkansas, and Tennessee our destination was awesome and cool. I have never traveled so many miles in my entire life. I enjoyed the sites, the smells, the interesting people that you look at while on the road and the great time I had with my friend Amber (my traveling partner) singing at the top of our lungs country and rock songs. We played the heck out of her Heart greatest hits cd and we played the heck out of my Leanne Womack greatest hits cd. When we were young girls we planned on doing something like this, it took us a long time to actually do this. There were some obsticles along the way, but I made it through it without a hitch. I have a lot of things do go through now and I feel a little more rested. My friend, whom I have written about in previous posts and I have had another upset and then we made up again. It is a difficult thing for me, because I have so much idle time that I forget that others have lives of their own. I haven't seen him in 2 months and hopefully when and if he comes on Sunday it will be different and we can rekindle our broken down friendship. I have a lot of growth to do in my life right now, stuff that I have been putting off for a long, long time. It is all emerging on me now and it feels like it is consuming my whole being. That is why I made a hard decision today, i decided to seek counseling, which is a big deal to me. I have to express how I feel to a stranger and decide to make the changes that I need to.
Friday, August 19, 2005
We made it to Arizonia, and we stopped in Havosac and saw the London bridge. This guy in 1962 bought the orginal london bridge that the tower bridge in london replaced. He numbered the bricks and pieces of the bridge and put it back to together over this lake in Havosac. Amber and I had a heck of a time finding it, but we did. It is being used today. It was as my mind pictured it, it was a cobble stone bridge, but it wasn't as big as I pictured it. I wonder if our imaginations make things better than they actually are? It was great seeing it though. Our next stop was the Grand Canyon. That was a big dream of mine since I was a child, it was coming true. It was a big thrill to me, even though I was tired, hadn't slept for a few days, I wanted to see it. We made it there, paid our 20 dollars and took some awesome pictures of that too. The grand canyon was so amazing, it took my breath away. The view, WOW, was sooooo cool. Amber and I both screamed in excitment when we saw the window trying to find a parking spot the view the canyon gave us that day. The clouds in the sky made it even more beautiful to me. Walking on the edge of the canyon was exhilarating and the view down below was so cool. It is the biggest ditch in America. LOL. My brother in law Bobby said to me on the phone the other day. We stayed in a hotel in Williams and slept and then took off again heading for our destination. New Mexico, we drove by it at night, so I didn't get to see it, on the way back I am hoping to see it in the light of day. Texas' panhandle wasn't so great to me. Nothing but dry dessert with oil fields, or a big cross that looked ridiculous out there in the dessert. It was church sign of some sort. We drove through Oaklahoma and that was cool. I saw some world war 2 air craft there and I saw some cool windmills, but that was about it. Arkansas was ok too. It was, a lot of trees and stuff to look at. I'll wirte more later.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Clearing away the pain of our lives is acheiveable. I am working on it now, it gets me, I struggle with it. I want to find the core of my being, the real me. Not the me that is fake, hides, shelters others, or fractures out. I believe God is real, I believe that he can heal, he has proven that to me on many levels. I have cleared away so much shit out of my life and I am starting to realize that I am not shit. I am a new creation, a creation that I am making with Gods help, from the people he has brought and will bring into my life, through realizations, insights, and other things.
I am struggling right now, I have pain that I am going through right now, and there has been pain that I have worked through. It has many layers, I tend to stuff, I tend to ignore, I tend to give up on myself. I can't do that anymore, I am tired of the shit. What do I intend to do about it? I am lucky, I have my faith, I have the love of God, family, and friends to help me go through it. The struggle for me is finding out what I am, what are my choices, and the belief that I am capable of it. I am, I believe that I am. That is a hard thing for me to say, since it is a new statement.
This is my year, this is the year of truth for me. That is what I am seeking, truth. Truth is another one of those words, like pain, it has a lot of emphasis behind it. That will be another topic to write about. Right now, I am working on pain, since that is what I am feeling right now. My friend Linda told me to write down everything that I am in pain about. Pain is based on fear, if you think about it. The fear of being alone, the fear of being wrong. the fear of getting what you want, the fear of not getting what you want, the fear of...... It depends on each individual. That is something that I have to work through. I am fearful and in pain in a lot of areas. My dad's passing, the newness of being in a new environment, being able to be myself with no one else around, having choices, being free, and most of all losing everyone in my life because of my fakeness. Our imaginations make things much worse than they really are, or make them something they aren't, even wonderful. I need to realize and do something about it.
July 29th, 2005
I am fluttering right now, so I thought this was a good title for my first blog. I am nervous, I am scared, life is scarry at times it is what you do with that fear that matters. I am learning that as I am getting older, especially now. I have always been in a cocoon, one that was made for me by factors of my life. I have made a subconcious choice to keep the cocoon around me and not let myself out. It has bitten me in the ass, especially now. The changes in my life have been hitting me hard, having someone die, that you cared about for 11 years and loved dispite their bullshit. Learning to be who you really are, when you have never been give the chance, and realizing it for the first time ever. It is a new experience, being me. I have been a chamelion, bending, shifting my opinions, my colors to whatever makes the other person who I was around happy. Who wants to be around someone like that? Right? Not many, that is why I am slowly losing people in my life, I am realizing it, I have started the hard road to changing. It is a struggle, I have lost several dear friends that have meant a lot to me. Two in particular, come to my mind, one that just happened yesterday and one that happened a few months ago. I do have some great people in my life that are standing by me, talking me through it. I am grateful to them for that. I have been inspired by them, Amber, Linda, Karen, Christina, and my three sisters Joy, Carri, and Vickie are there for me. I have to use this new experience, this new heartache as a stepping stone, their was a purpose to being shown an old pattern, so I can work it out with Gods grace and healing. I do believe in God, not the God of church, but a God that has love and value for me and for others. I have been slowly breaking the layers of my corrupt childhood and young adult hood, the layers that were the foundation of this old woman, but a new core person that God loves is emerging. I am becoming my own, I don't have to submit to someones shit. I love my sister Vickies saying "I don't like the taste of shit in my mouth, and I'm not eating yours". Yes, it is a crude remark, but it is a true one. Why do we have to absorb and bend to what others opinions are? Don't we have the right to our own thoughts, desires, and opinions? I believe we do, we are all free. God made us that way. We are free to think and do what we want. The choice is ours, I have choosen the path of renewal, the path of Gods love for me. I am valuable, I am acceptable, and yes, I do have a right to be me. I am fluttering to discover who that is and I am asking for patience as I unlock the doors that have been locked. I realize that everyone has this problem, locking up, not letting anyone in, being afraid, feeling volunarable. Why should we be afraid to share our heart and our whole core with others, especially those that love us?