A great journey in progress!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Butterfly Goddess

What I'm Thanksful For

My list today:

1) Seeing Monte and Sarah tonight.
2) Having my dryer fixed.
3) My beautiful bamboo plant, that I replanted in a beautiful glass bowl today.
4) My mom, she can at times say something so kind to me that makes me feel good.
5) Movies

Friday, December 29, 2006

A Through Z

A friend sent this to me, so I thought I'd post it here.

A- Available or single? Single

B- Best Friend? Amber

C- Cake or pie? Peach pie.

D- Drink of choice? Iced tea or cherry coke.

E- Essential item I use every day. toothbrush

F- Favorite color: I like pinks and reds

G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worm? neither

H- Hometown? Longview, Washington

I- Indulgence: Cheese

J- January or February? I have never honestly thought about it, I guess it would be January, because is a new beginning of a new year.

K- Kids and names: I don’t know, I’m too old for this game.

L- Life is incomplete without? Family and friends.

M- Marriage date: who knows?

N- Number of siblings: Carri, Rob, Joy, and Vickie.

O- Oranges or apples? I like both.

P- Phobias or fears? Let’s see, snakes. They make my skin crawl, I don’t want to see that movie “Snakes in the plane.” That would be my worst nightmare coming true.

Q- Favorite quote? - I have a few.

R- Reasons to smile: me

S- Season: Spring or fall.

T- Tag 3 or 4 people. I refuse to.

U- Unknown fact about me: I can’t think of anything.

V- Vegetable you don’t like: hominy

W- Worst habit: biting my nails and eating when I am bored or depressed.

X- X-Rays: I have had a few of these.

Y- Your favorite food? Cheese.

Z- Zodiac sign: Gemini


What I am thankful for today:

1) My plans with Monte on January first.
2) My mom feeling better from her cold and getting her strength back.
3) For finally seeing what Monte is trying to tell me about his comment the other day.
4) For my renewed strength and exuberance for exercise.
5) Learning to be me.

End Of A Year

The end of a new year is coming in just a few days and soon a new year will begin. The whole month of December has been a trying experience for me, as I am going through a cycle of change, death, and rebirth inside of myself. The last few months have been that way, things around me have been shifting. I do not deal with change well, really, do any of us?
One of the relationships that I have held dearly to my heart is in turmoil again, this cycle between us happens a lot. I don’t know if it is his moody behavior, his constant need for new people in his life, or his boredom with the old friends that he proclaims to care about, all I know is that it doesn’t feel good to be stabbed in the chest. I still care, I still want this relationship, but I am finding it difficult to let go and let him go on these rampages, especially when they literally tear me apart. I don’t like being called a parasite, or a flea that makes his skin crawl, or being told whenever, when I ask when we will hang out again, when I haven’t seen him in a month and he supposedly has a present for me for Christmas.
This I know for sure, I have to release this anger that is welling up inside of me, anger that I have never felt towards anyone in my life, even the abusers who have tormented and tortured me. When I dreamed that I went to his apartment, and I beat the living shit out of him, all the while screaming at him, that is a sign that I need to somehow release this anger, or else this relationship is going to go south quickly. I am a flexible person, I always have been, but for some reason, I am angry, maybe it is because the last few weeks, going to my councilor I have been dredging up my past and the authentic woman inside is angry and she is taking it out on the person who is closest and who is being a total jerk to her. See that is the problem, I see his side of it too, he has met a new friend that he wants to spend all his time with, and that is only human nature to do that, and I also know that we go through cycles in our relationship, and we always have.
So sitting in the bath tub this morning, I made a plan for me. I don’t want the end of a year to end badly, in losing a friendship, that I still hold close to my heart, so I decided to step back, let go, take no action, and turn inward to myself. Let others come to me, if they do, great, and if they don’t, I will be sad, but my tears will go away. They have before. It is hard for me to let go, it is going to take great strength and power inside of me to do this task, but it must be done. I am leaving it up to him, he wants the control, well he can have it. I am taking no action, and I’m doing that with all of my relationships. I have been the one to fight and nurture my relationships, and frankly, I am tired. My health, my spiritual self, and my authentic self all needs time to find the voice and the peace inside of me that I am going to need for the next half of my life.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Todays Gratitude

What I am thankful for today:

1) Spending time with family.
2) Changs Grill in Portland Oregon. It is good food.
3) For books
4) Friends
5) TV and Phones. LOL

Week 3

This weeks challenge wasn’t that hard for me to do, scheduling time for yourself. Well I did it differently, I don’t have people demanding anything from me, at least not anymore. So, I’m instead decided to unplug the phone and spend time finding the real Jamie. Wish me luck.

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things that make me happy

1. My family: all of them. Rob and his family, Carri and her son, Joy, Vickie and her family. They are supportive despite me being a pain through my life changes.
2. My friends: Christina, Amber and Russ, and Monte. They are great and have supported me through the process of my life change. Though I have been a pain.
3. Good food: things that are cheesy and gooey, yummy.
4. Good music: some of my favorites are Tori Amos, Evanescence, and Heart. Music that has good lyrics, or they can make you want to boogey.
5. Good movies: some of my favorites that can cheer me up when I am having a bad day are: Breakfast at tiffany’s, Under The Tuscan Sun, and Pretty In Pink.
6. Having belly laughs with friends or family. You know those kinds of laughs that you can’t stop no matter what.
7. Cooking in the kitchen with someone, whether it is a friend or family member.
8. Enjoying a good meal with friends or family.
9. Going for a walk along side the beach, feeling the wet sand on your feet.
10. Reading a good book, laying on the couch with a blanket.
11. Taking care of something that I love…
12. Spending time by myself, turning the phone off and being in my own thoughts.
13. Watching my favorite TV programs.
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


I found this quote in a book that I was reading called "Naomi's Breakthrough Guide"
written by Naomi Judd. I have enjoyed reading this book, though my spiritual beliefs are far different than heres. It still had some great thoughts and ideas in it for a healthy lifestyle. The way she became healthy after contacting hepatitis C and her miracle. I found the 20 tips she offered inspiring and helpful on my own quest.

Health is an intuitive perception of the universe as being of one fabric. Health is maintaining communication with the animals and plants and minerals and stars. It is knowing death and life and knowing no difference. It is blending and melding, seeking solitude and seeking companionship to understand one’s many selves. Health is seeking out all the experiences of creation and turning them over and over, feeling their texture and multiple meanings. Health is expanding beyond one’s singular state of consciousness to experience the ripples and waves of the universe.
Jeanne Achterberg

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


May I be at peace.
May my heart remain open.
May I awaken to the light of my own true nature.
May I be healed.
May I be the source of healing for others.

What I'm Grateful For

1) My mom, Carri, Rob & family, Monte, Amber, Christina, Joy, Vickie, and myself.
2) For sappy Christmas movies
3) The peaceful feeling you get when listening to good music
4) Empowering books, that give you insight in a different direction.
5) The power of change and transition.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Goodbye 2006

Good Bye 2006 Forever

best friend: Amber
lost any friends: No
gained any friends: A couple

went out of the country: No, I wish.
moved: nope
new school: nope
how many times on an airplane: 2

have you changed: Yes, a lot. I am discovering who I am on a daily basis.
new look: well, I am losing weight, so I am looking forward to next year.
most depressed time this year: having some fights with a close friend.
best time this year: hanging out with Russ and Amber, and Monte.

did you get heartbroken: Yes, but it was my stupidity.
who was your summer love: no one

favorite Season: spring and fall
least favorite season: Winter
good birthday?: yes, I went out to dinner with Monte and watch Trojan get blown to pieces.
any snow this year: Yup

got arrested: no
had a crush: nope
lost a family member: not this year, thank God.
got a myspace: YEP
kept a secret: Lots of them.
told a secret: nope, I don’t spill.
done something you totally regret: come one now, who hasn’t.
tried to change something you cant?: come on, who hasn’t.
Who do you picture yourself with right now?: Well, I am with now on a self discovery quest and I don’t want to be in a relationship until I figure it out, it doesn’t have to be all figure out, just the important parts.

[x] broke a promise
[] made a new best friend
[] fallen out of love
[x] lied
[] went behind your parents back
[X] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[X] hid a secret
[X]pretended to be happy
[] kissed in the rain
[x]slept under the stars
[]kept your new years resolution
[X] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed my life
[] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[] pretended to be sick
[] left the country
[] almost died
[X] given up something important to you
[] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[X] tried something you normally wouldnt try and liked it
[X] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[X] pigged out over the summer
[X] cried over the silliest thing
[]was never home on weekends
[x] gotten into a car accident
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had someone close to me die
[X] had a high cell phone bill
[] wasted most of my money on food
[] had a fist fight
[] went to the beach
[] saw a celebrity
[x] gotten sick
[] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[] became closer to a lot of people

Sunday, December 24, 2006

5 Things To Be Thankful For

1) The movie “It’s a wonderful life”
2) Family and Friends
3) The upcoming new year
4) The ending of another year
5) New beginnings

Saturday, December 23, 2006


A survey that I received.


Name: Jamie
Birth date: May 21
Birthplace: Longview, Washington
Eye color: blue
Hair color: Brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty...
Zodiac Sign: Gemini, (I am born on the cusp, so I am actually a Taurus/Gemini, in others words, I’m a double bull. LOL)


Your heritage: American
Shoes you wore today: leather clogs
Your weakness: cheese
Your fears: snakes
Your perfect Pizza: one with a ton of cheese


Your most overused phrase on AIM/MSN: LOL
Your thoughts waking up: Do I have to?
Your best physical feature: my face.
Your bedtime: whenever
Your most missed memory (ies): I have a lot of them.


Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: neither
Single or Group Dates: Depends
Adidas or Nike: I don’t care
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla: both
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino


Smoke: nope
Cuss: Yes, I have a potty mouth. LOL
Single: Yes
Take a shower everyday: yes
Think you've been in love: nope
Like(d) high school: Yes, especially the peanut club at lunch time.
Want to get married: Not especially.
Believe in yourself: I have my moments
Get motion sickness: no
Think you are attractive: I can be
Think you're a health freak: I’m turning into one.
Get along with your parents: most of the time.
Like thunderstorms: Yes, especially when you are at the beach.


Drank alcohol: No, actually.
Done a drug: Nope..
Gone on a date: nope
Gone to the mall: Yep
Been on stage: Nope
Eaten sushi: Nope
Been dumped: Nope..
Gone skating: Nope
Gone skinny-dipping: Nope
Dyed your hair: nope
Stolen anything: nope


Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: nope
Been caught "doing something": Yes. J)
Changed who you were to fit in: who hasn‘t come on now. ...


Age you hope to be married: 50, I don’t know
Number of children: none
How do you want to die: happily
What do you want to be when you grow up?: I don’t know yet. LOL


Best eye color? either
Best hair color? Brownish.
Short or Long Hair: doesn’t matter
Height: 6ft
Best first date location: dinner.

Number of people I could trust with my life: 6 or 7
Number of piercings: 2
Number of tattoos: none, maybe someday
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 3 times, all in obituaries.
Number of scars on my body: a lot, I’m not going to count them.
Number of things in my past that I regret: I don’t regret anything, they are all beautiful lessons and they shaped who I am.

Week 2

Week two of Life Makeovers with Cheryl Richardson: The take action challenge has given me an adventure in a lot of things. First, I had to think about what character qualities I wanted to develop over the next year. I choose a few of them:
Being courageous
Trusting of family and friends
Being honest with myself and others
Being Financially responsible
This is a challenge for me, all of them. I always stuffing things and it is difficult for to trust anyone, and money, oh man, that is a another thing. I wrote out my affirmations for each one of these.
I will be courageous
I will trust my family and friends that they won’t abandon me because of what I believe or how I am feeling.
I will be financially responsibly, by being realistic about what I can afford, and not spending all my money on others.
I will be honest with myself about what is going on in my life and with others too.
Boy, that is a large load to take on, but I am capable of doing these. It was a challenge to not think of the negative self talk that would whip me into submission when the obstacles came into focus.
I realized, after awhile, that I don’t know my authentic self well enough. It has been buried for so long, under the muck, mire, and sewage that has been shoved down my throat for so long. I have a voice, I heard it talking the last week. Must to my amazement I like this woman, and she isn’t that far off in what I truly am.


Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael
the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of
God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel
Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God,
and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a
place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be
poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is
a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State,
the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers
and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from
Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the
idiots I put there!

Friday, December 22, 2006


Today was a good day. I had many uplifting blessings, here are 5 of them.

1) Monte and I talked and made up in a way.
2) Turkey!!, Yes, Turkey. I cooked it, took it all off the bone and now I’m making broth.
3) My warm apartment
4) Magazines and books. I’ve been enjoying reading again, something I haven’t done in awhile.
5) My family and friends.


I wanted to do something fun for Christmas.

You Are Prancer

You are the perfect reindeer, with perfect hooves and perfect flying form.

Why You're Naughty: Because you're Santa's pet, and you won't let anyone show you up.

Why You're Nice: You have the softest fur and the sweetest carrot breath.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Five Blessings

I thought things were going to be crappy for me this Christmas, well because, with a certain friend, that I have had major troubles with, decided he needed another break from me, we had that settled, then he calls me today and tells me he is done. We talked for a little bit, and I said it is said if we can't call once in awhile to say hi and see what is up, he said you can't do once in awhile. It is still unsettled, because if it is truly done, why would he say I'll call you back, so we can talk about it. I am confused by this. Knowing Monte, he does this a lot, he has done this to me, twice before. I called back tonight, I left him a nice message, and I left it in his corner. I am taking a risk, this is difficult for me, I like him, and when I care about someone, I get close to them, it is hard for me to let go. I have to let go, I can’t force someone in my life if they don’t want to be there. I got on a tangent, didn’t I? I wanted to write out the blessings that I am receiving this holiday season. The gifts from people that I didn’t expect. I need to find things to be grateful for in my life, and not focus on the negative. I have to change my mind set or negativity will run rapid, and I don’t want to be like my real mom. So here it goes: Here are five to get me started. I’m going to do this daily, lets see what happens.
1) Unexpected gifts from a sister who lives far away. Vickie and I don’t share Christmas, we never did growing up, the last two days, I have gotten two things. A one year magazine subscription to Better Homes and Gardens, and a box of cheese and summer sausage, (anyone who knows me, knows that cheese is my absolutely favorite food)
2) Turkey is a blessing, I love turkey.
3) Spending time with my sister in law, Kris and her two girls Nichole and Sarah.
4) Giving hope a chance in the situation with Monte, and taking a risk.
5) My nice red pajamas.

Good Bacteria

I thought this article about probiotics showed some great informational about the healthy bacteria that our bodies need. I have learned this from my big sister Vickie. I needed some to help me with some stomach trouble I was having, and sure enough, it helped a lot. Yogurt is a good source of probiotics, but also you can get it in pill form too.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Thursday Thirteen # 1

Thirteen Things about Jamie

Thursday Thirteen Number One:
1. I am 31
2. My sister Joy got me into blogging and Thursday Thirteen
3. I live in Vancouver Washington
4. I enjoy cooking, photography, reading, and my houseplants.
5. I just got a library card in the city I live in now.
6. I am on a life altering journey.
7. I have 3 sisters and one brother
8. My brother Rob is called the mystic marvel, because he can fix anything, he is married to a wonderful woman and has 4 children, My sister Carri is a fabulous artist, and she is home schooling her little boy. My sister Joy, is a awesome writer, and loves books, blue, and babies and lives too far away, I miss her. My sister Vickie lives in Alabama, and she a magnificent woman and I love them all. I love all of my siblings.
9. I lost my dad to colon cancer a little over a year ago, and I miss him a lot.
10. Rick, my significant other passed away almost three years ago, and I still miss him in a lot of ways. I sold our house, in hopes of forgetting about things. It didn’t work.
11. I love the cheese
12. I just lost 25 pounds and I am on a quest to lose more, after going a year without losing any. The previous year, I lost 86 pounds. I had a long plateau.
13. I believe in having a balance life and that is ultimately my goal.
Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Monday, December 18, 2006


I got this article about anxiety and the research that is being done. I have a couple of family members who suffer from anxiety, all for different reasons. I myself at times have been emotionally effect, by watching the people I love suffer from this debilitating disease. I am glad they are coming up with new medications to help.

Lovely Poem

The House Of Belonging:
David Whyte

I awoke
This morning
In the gold light
Turning this way
And that

Thinking for
A moment
It was one
Like any other.

The veil had gone
From my darkened heart
And I thought
It must have been the quiet
That filled my room

It must have been
The first
Easy rhythm
With which I breathed
Myself to sleep,

It must have been
The prayer I said
Speaking to the otherness
Of the night.

And I thought
This is the good day
You could
Meet your love.

House Of Belonging

I just read a marvelous book by Sarah Ban Breathnach called “Moving On”. I first encountered this grand writer when my sister Joy sent me her book “Simple Abundance”, as a gift. I loved it, though I do have to admit that I never actually followed it day by day or discovered the many treasures that were in it. I still have the book, and now upon reading this creation, I have a renewed interest in reading it day by day, starting with the new year. “Moving On”, is a candid self description of her trials and errors, coming from her success to failure and back to success. It gives a renewed hope that if this famous author can go through tragedies and survive, well then maybe I can to. I recommend this book for any woman, who is losing hope, and needs a reinvention of herself. You will surely find it here.

Christmas Spirit

Miracle On 34th Street, I just finished watching this lovely film. It brings you into the Christmas spirit. Last night I watched the old classic, “It’s A Wonderful Life”. I needed some Christmas spirit. These two movies bring the hope that we all need about man kind, friends, and family. Having faith in all that you are, and believing that things will be ok. I have been struggling with this my whole life, having faith, having trust, having belief in yourself and that all shall be well. I want to believe, it is difficult, especially for the child that is in me. I feel like that little girl, who wants to believe in Christmas, but is struggling with it. I need to trust and have faith.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Life Makeovers

With all of the life altering transitions that I have been experiencing for the last two years of my life, since February 18th, 2004, I have decided to go on a new beginning, a different start. This decision, after many, many months of staling, fighting, and begrudging myself and others in my life, this new insight came to me. I have gone on many different starts, I have always gone back to the prison that I have made of my own negative thoughts, being afraid of the unknown, being crippled by the past, and extending energy to everyone else’s care. I am a natural born caretaker, I take on everything for everyone, I’m always there, no matter what. In fact, when my sister Carri came to visit me unrepentantly yesterday and I didn’t answer the phone, like everyone expects from me, she was concerned. I made a conscious decision to unplug my phone and not be a phone whore anymore, to spend time alone, in my own thoughts, thinking about myself, what I have to do to make my own life better and not sitting there frustrated by the lack of what I am perceiving is nothing. With that said, I decided to go on a different new path, something that I have never done before. I am working several thoughts, making them each my own, on a quest of discovery of me.
So I made a list of 25 accomplishments, recommended by Cheryl Richardson, who wrote “Life Makeovers.”

1) Walking the Clackamas mall with Amber and her clan without losing my breath and keeping up and not lagging behind.
2) Learning boundaries for myself and with my other relationships.
3) Eating healthier and not using food as a comfort.
4) Losing 25 pounds
5) Growing Italian Parsley, and my other plants.
6) Learning to listen to my intuition and voice inside, instead of ignoring them.
7) Recognizing what my strengths are
8) Coming out of the darkness and into the REAL world, and discovering that I have the key to my doors.
9) Knowing my own style
10) Being a good friend to Amber, Monte, Christina, and listening and being there for them.
11) Taking care of my health.
12) Learning to open up about my problems with my family and friends.
13) Realizing my own place in the web of life. That I’m the only person with the power to control my life.
14) Developing my writing skills with my blogs.
15) Finding out and realizing what I truly believe in.
16. Learning to make goals and plans for my life.
17. Learning to read bills and understanding what they are actually saying.
18) Being brave and gaining courage to telling people what I think.
19) Expanding my tastes in music
20) Developing my skills in many areas of my life
21) Filled out an application for a job at the library.
22) Starting a new journey in myself.
23) Getting a library card, something I have been wanting to do for a long time, but procrastinated.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Nourishing Ones Self!

"The body must be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually. We're spiritually starved in this culture -- not underfed but undernourished." --Carol Hornig

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Peaceful Picture

I took this picture at the Grand Canyon over a year ago. I found it while looking through my pictures today. I find this picture peaceful and beautiful. It is helpful for a soul that is crying out for some comfort. I love the way the tree is sticking out over the edge and you can see the pretty colors in the distance of the canyon. It brings back happy memories.

My Tarot Card

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Good News

I am so excited. I am now under 300 pounds. I have lost 15 pounds since November 14th. I am so happy. I went to the hospital last night, I had extremely high blood pressure, 218/112, that is stroke level. I was not feeling good all day, I also have a bladder infection, one that has been happening for a long time now. All these things could be playing havoc on my emotional well being. I am hoping the new medications will do their job, and I’ll be able to be my normal self. The past few months, I have been having crying fits, this is new to me. I have never in my life felt this way about anything in my life. Things have been accumulating and it is frustrating me and everyone who is around me. I am lucky that I have not lost any of my relationships over it, though I have come close. My greatest fear is being like my real mom, she was a hermit. She kept everything to herself, she was not happy. I don’t want that, I have to do something now to change that. I’m still on the quest of knowing what. All I know is that I cannot go to any of my support people in my life for help any longer. This is something I am going to have to figure out for myself.