A great journey in progress!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Thank You Universe

It's 2 in the morning, I'm wide awake, with a ton on my mind. So, I thought I'd blog about it.
The things on my mind is my future, my health, my soul, and relationships. Whoa, I'm sure I'm not the only one in the universe who contemplates these many aspects of ourselves, feelings of failure, hopelessness, insecurity, and the mindless menage of things that hampers a person. That is one thing that I am truly encompassing into my life, figuring out where my place on this planet truly is, finding a spiritual path that is more true to my soul. I have realized that every spiritual leader, teacher, guide, or human being who's writen self help books, are basically saying the same things. Letting go to the Universe or Source and being a person of integrity. That balance is the true measure of happiness, be happy in the little joys of life. Today, I enjoyed my day. I got up early, went to the post office, felt bless that I was the only one in line, so I was served faster, thank you Universe. And then went to the grocery store, where I had a pleasant conversation with the lady at the cash register, she was so thoughtful, she helped me back up my purchases. Save a lot, doesn't bag up your groceries, you have to do it yourself. I don't mind, at least I know where my stuff is and I can organize it in the bag. I digress, my point is, I decided to get my mind off of a certain person, whose been in my mind and my heart for 4 years and I let it go to the universe and guess what, he contacted me and what made us friends in the first place was back. I felt blessed by it, even if at one time of the day, there was a moment of relapse, but I made it thru it.
Slow progress is happening, relapses, moments of sadness, grief, happiness, and all the emotions of life, happen, I can choose to accept that or fight it. I am choosing ot accept that it is apart of life and that I am a creator of my life, along with the Universe.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Balancing Act

A roller coaster ride that went array states how I am feeling at the moment. I hit a verbal brick wall today. My face feels broken and shattered into a million different pieces, because honestly, I've been nurturing others in my life for a long time. I've put others ahead of my own desires, in fact, so much so, that I don't know what my desires are. That is the truth of the whole thing. I've never truly took into account what I want in my own life, or developed my own talents in any endeavors. I've followed the people in my life, Vickie, Joy, Monte, Summer, Amber, so numerous, that it would take hours for me to list it all. That emptiness inside of me is coming to a head, because, the two friends that were brave enough to express themselves to me, spoke out. In two different styles, but their messages were the same. It paused me to think of my integrity, my intentions, my serenity, my foundation in my own SELF. Quick fixes don't suffice with the deep rooted pain and humiliation that I feel inside. That cause me to act out like an emotional vampire onto people in my life. It all started, when Rick died, I came unglued, I don't turn to food anymore for comfort, I got rid of the garbage of his house, and also of my own soul. I became raw inside, and then I felt empty. I wanted quick fixes to fill me up, but I became depended on others to show me how to do that. In fact, I wore them out, I'm sure. In fact, I put a dear friend in Ricks place, unconscouisly, I put a role onto Monte, that shouldn't have been his in the first place. Then, I got angry with him, when he couldn't be what I wanted him to be to me. It hurt, caused me to act out irrationally, being a total enemy of myself.
So, this week, despite my fears, my reservations, I am taking some time to self evaluate many issues that have suddenly, undammed themselves in my life and deal with them one by one.

Thoughts For The Day

I finally got some sleep last night. I've been sleep deprived for a day, and it is unusual for me. Though, I do know why I was, change is around the corner in my life. "I am in the deapths of despire." Anne Shirley stated, that is where I have been for the last week. Truthfully, longer than that, I've been procrasinating the things I must do to get out on my way to a life that I want to make for me.
So, I am finally getting over that defiant behavior. I am taking my sister Joy's suggestion about find a program on the internet that is about goal setting and making a commitment to myself. So, last night I found a great web site called Mind tools. I found some helpful advice on this web site. I started my list and making some long term plans for my future.

Here is a quick list of some of my goals:

Reaching my ideal weight of 160 pounds.
by incorperating daily exercise and not binge eating.

Finding and keeping a sacred space in my home: By cleaning out all the gunk in my apartment, keeping up the chores, and commiting to a routine, like I did for Edna.

Finding my spiritual practice: Following thru with meditation and prayers that I have in my collection. Working with Creative Change which I am doing with my sister Joy. Being able to encourage myself without the help of friends or family and having a balance relationship with them and with myself. Not giving up, when things get tough and running or thinking that I want to tell everyone goodbye or get out of my life, whenever a rocky patch comes my way. Trusting in my own voice, wisdom, and power, as a woman, friend, sister, daughter, and human being.

Being more creative with my photography, taking more risks in pictures.

School: Attaining a degree in college, taking creative writing classes, photography, and computer classes, so that I can create and be more confident in my abilities.
getting the money that Amber owes me, so that I can actually go to school and get started in my new endeavor.

Going out in the world: seeking new experiences in nature and in relationships.

This is a start, I am sure that I will find more as my life comes up with new tools.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Self Acknowledgment And Renewal

The last week, I've been stuck in my bed, dreading life, feeling miserable, hopeless, sad, angry, you probably get the picture. It all started with the news from the doctor about my health, and then it even got worse today with the news from the old doctor. I got a second opinion. This time, I asked for copies of my x-rays, so I can show people. My sister works on x-ray machines, and when she was here in July, she showed me an x-ray of her head. It is truly amazing, it is art. when I get it, I'm going to see if I can scan it and send it off to people. I digress...
For four years, I have been friends off and on with Monte. He amazing, talented in drumming, a great sense of humor, and can somehow cut through all the bullshit of mine. I value his friendship, tremendously. Yet, we have these outrageous fights, where, I am the cause of it. I am realizing that I am extremely insecure in a lot of areas in my life. It inhibits my true growth and my spirit of my life. I have read some great books, by the Dalai Lama, Dyer, Myss, Angelou, Williamson, to name a few, and I have gathered some great information. Somehow it's been hard for me to follow through on the tools and tips that they give you. Instead, I act like a total asshole, pardon my french, but that is how I have been behaving. I do, I act like a total jerk, demanding of others time and energy concerning him, my insecurity, what am I gonna do, and still not heeding their advice, some of it has been great advice, even from Monte himself. I have been so focus on him, that I have stopped taking care of my own needs, and causing him as much pain over things, as myself. Tonight, Monte and I had a fight, then a heart to heart talk. I believe he wants my friendship, like I do his. I'm glad that this outburst happened, I am seeing things from a new perspective, I can't live like this, it is helping me or him. I obviously don't love who I am. The signs are all there, and it is truly up to me to change it. I can't change because someone wants me to, I have to do it for me. I have known this for a long time, and it is the reason Joy and I have started the Creative Change project that we did. She wants to change her life, as much as I do. I did realize something while I was talking to him. I am not in love with him, he took Rick's place in my life. The companionship role that Rick had, and yes, Monte has some of the qualities that Rick had. Rick passed away 4 years ago, almost 5 and I don't think I am truly over it. I don't think that is something I can get over, the death of someone who I truly loved and cared about for 10 years of my life.
Here is what I want to accomplish in my life at this moment, and it will take me awhile to get to where I am going, probably my life time. It is still worth it.
I want to accomplish my long time goal of losing another 120 pounds and getting to a healthy place in my life. I want to be out in the public, walking, hiking, being out in nature, instead of cooped up in my apartment. I want to find the true joy in my life. And enjoy being in my own company, (Yes, Joy, I am getting it), and doing my own thing. I need to love and respect me and do what I need to do for me, instead of worrying about others in my life. That is my commitment to myself...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

A Resting Place

I met a bird in the doorway of my apartment. I felt bad, because I disturbed him, while he was sleeping. Though, it surprised me that he didn't fly off, he sat there, looking at me. I said "I'm not here to hurt you, I just want to get into my own bed." It is strange, but I thought he understood. I did, get a snapshot of the bird. I don't know what kind he is or even if it is a he.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


I couldn't think of anything to write about today. My mind's been twirling with many thoughts, that cloud up my mind. The thunder storm brought in cool air, which I am thankful for, especially, after the heat wave we've endured the last couple of days.

What is your salad dressing of choice?
I love blue cheese dressing.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I enjoy Alexis in Portland Oregon, it is a great Greek restaurant, I haven't been there for many years.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
olives, cheese, mushrooms, and sausage.

What do you like to put on your toast?

What is your wallpaper on your computer?
I have a picture I took of my sister Vickie, niece in law Jessica, and myself.

How many televisions are in your house?

What color cell phone do you have?

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yes, I had a cyst removed from my breast when I was a teenager.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
the TV tube from my old TV set.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, I'd stress out trying to get all the things done on "my list of things to do before I die".

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I've grown used to my name

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No way


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
gosh, let me see a couple of years.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Last person you talked to?

Last person you hugged?


Fall and spring

eh, none

Day of the week?
Any day



Missing someone?
yes, several people in my life

a mixture of different moods.

Listening to?
muriels weddings

computer monitor

Worrying about?
a lot


First place you went this morning?
To the restroom

What can you not wait to do?
go to the beach

What's the last movie you saw?
muriels wedding

Do you smile often?
not often enough

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sunday Serenity

Spending time with friends brings peace to my soul. I haven't hung out with these quacky people forever, last night I got to. Russ, Amber, Monte, and Jackie. Thanks guys for making me laugh...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Sunday night, a friend and I went for a drive, driving the out skirts of Vancouver, where I live. The adventure, brought back a joy that I truly enjoyed, out exploring things. The wonderful houses, animals, cars, trees, clouds, and music we saw and listened to, brought out a different side that I hadn't felt in a long while. Thank you to the universe for a wonderful day!!!

My Challenge

Life can throw you fist fulls of challenging, agrivating, and humorous situations. I've been dealt a heavy blow, actually several. A quote from my dad "Life is full of change, you either sit there and die in them, asking why is this happening to me, or you can accept it and go with the flow of this challenge and smile anyway." I never fully understood this, not until now.
My weight is a huge issue, one of the biggest challenges of my life. Guess what? I can't blame anyone but myself. I am an emotional binge eater, you know the type. The ones who don't eat in front of anyone, but when they get alone, they pig out. I do that, I can clean out my fridge in one night. I am serious, I have done that in emotionally challenging situations. Though, in the four years since my independence day, I have lost 100 pounds, I still do have 120 pounds more to lose. Yes, I am being honest about my weight, my eating habits, and the formidable challenge of making a change in my life style so that I can be healthy again. At age 34, I've developed heart failue and one collapsed lung. So, something sure does need to change, or I will be buried deep in dirt and no more enjoyments of life. The devastating news from the doctor, that I am not eligible for a surgery that would help improve my life, because of my fatness, makes me feel like a failure of life and beyond. Because, I've done some things to improve my life, which have helped somewhat, but then again I don't totally follow through on them. So, my challenge, is to become more of a follow through kind of gal, and actually take those vatiamins that I have, eat properly, meaning don't pig out on those cold lonely nights, or because some thoughtless jerk hurt my feelings, or because I'm bored out of my mind. That is the challenge, the real challenge that I am facing. Because, to be honest, I've taken care, entertained, took on other people challenges, that I've neglected my own. I'm not sure where my soul, my passion, my talent is. I do have an idea, but it isn't formated fully into my spirit, where I can pull them out of me to actually doing them. Admiting my faults, not hiding the truth of my weight battle, or the other battles of my life, is probably the wisest first step I have done and I am hopefuly that I can continue on a path that is more into the enlightenment phase I want to be in. I am going to blog, and I do have some resources that I hope to enlist in the near future. It's not hopeless! A weak smile, but it is still a smile.


You Are Black Tea

You have a bold personality. You're not afraid of simply being yourself.

You have the courage to speak the truth. You are fearless in your actions.

You come off as a bit intimidating and unapproachable. Only confident people are attracted to you.

You don't try to scare off anyone. You're just an intense person!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Dark Brown

The trials of living, man I could speak volumes of what this one statement means. Today, alone brought many adventures, some were completely disgusting. I hate it when the toilet decides to overflow, it is nasty, it smells, and words cannot describ the mess it makes. That is what I've been doing, well most of it. I bought some dark brown hair color last night, so I set off to do that this afternoon. After, I got the dye in, the toilet decides to do it's putrid dance all over the bathroom floor. So, I've been cleaning up that horendous mess, trying not to throw up, and trying not to scream at the porcelain bowl... The plunger worked, but still. Though, I did have a clarifying moment while plunging. I know, it sounds utterly strange that you can have a new perspective on life, while plunging the toilet. I swear, I did. Here's my thought: It is amazing how many time we get plugged up on everyday catastrophes, where we suddenly decide to spew all over ourselves and others in life the garbage that we ultimately hold in, all we need is a plunger, to plunge those negative thoughts, judgements, meaness towards ourselves and others down into the drain of nastiness. Wouldn't that be something, if that was possibly? I do think it is possible, change is a part of life, it is an opportunity to plunge ourselves into a new direction, to forget the past, to bascially take what we've learned and go into a different path.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Cushman, Sanders, Mitchard

All three authors that I recently read. Reading brought great pleasure to me, last weekend. I spent Saturday and Sunday reading, in quiet, peaceful, bliss devouring the stories that I read.

Anne Cushman's book "Enlightenment For Idiots" is well written, and brought me laughter, awe, admiration, envy, and fantasy of writing my own idiot guides and seeing what true spiritual leaders must be like and making my own choice, instead of following the pack. Amanda is a well thought out charachter and her crew is every so enlightening. Reminded me of my own life. I highly recommend her book to anyone.

Anne Sanders book "Goodbye, Jimmy Choo" is an amazing book and it delighted my senses, since I love herb and natural products. The story of Izzie and Maddies' friendship inspired me in my own female relationships. Good read and I recommend this book too.
Jacqualine Mitchards book "Twelve Times Blessed" is a joyful book too. I am not much on romance or such. This book seemed different in a lot of ways. I enjoyed her other book "Deep End Of The Ocean" and I thought I would another. It is well worth reading.

Long Time Gone

I feel like that Dixie Chicks song "Long Time Gone". It's been ages since I've written a blog. Well, my old desk top computer's been a poop. It decided to the old turn off thing and my new ISP provider wouldn't work on it either. All I could do was Email and messenger, but couldn't get to any of my favorite haunts on the web. Now, I am back, with passion for my blog again. I am hoping to write some things about what I've been reading, doing, and I am heading back to school on September 22nd, so new hope is in the air. Oh yeah, I love my new lap top. It's an HP and I'm elated at all the new possabilities. Chow, I'll be back tomorrow to write more.