A great journey in progress!

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Ultimate Weight Solution

“The Ultimate Weight Solution” by Dr. Phil McGraw, this is a book I am reading now. I picked it up last summer, but I haven’t read it yet. I just started it this morning. A lot of truth is in this book. I am enjoying it. It has some ideas in it for goal setting, such as, setting realistic goals, what to do instead of, and a lot of other ideas. I decided I have 135 pounds to lose to get to my ideal weight and I have an action plan to help me get to that goal. I have gotten some fabulous ideas for other parts of my life, while I am reading this book. I am in the chapter that is explaining the first key to his plan, “Right Thinking”. I am finding it helpful, because my thinking been distorted by things in my life, that I have to change the way I think about myself and things in my life. I have to be accountable to myself, I have to acknowledge, work through, and decide what I need to do. I have known this for a long time, I am more than positive there have been people in my life who have spoken to me, but I have not listened to what they had to say. I was not ready to learn or to be out of the pit of denial that I built around myself. I have been ruled by lies, muck, pain, the past, and frankly, I am tired of living in the self destructive way. I deserve better, I have better, if only I let myself have it. I am realizing this, though, the people who have proclaimed they care about me, maybe they do. I do not know, that is something that will be revealed when the time is right. As of now, my goals are these: I am going to share them, even though they are personal.

Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.

Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.

Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.

Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.

These are my goals for right now, they are probably going to change as I explore things in my life. I am awake, maybe for the first time in my life. I am feeling happy, hopeful, and at peace with the path that I am on. I am choosing to go ahead and stop living in my past, living the life that was the views of someone else, I am changing it and I have the authority and the power to do so.

Saturday, April 29, 2006


Forgiveness is as valuable to the one forgiven as to the one who forgives.Amish proverb
I got this proverb in an email. It made me think about forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive? I have had many people tell me what forgiveness is, their definition, their opinion, but I never thought about my own interpretation to this word, emotion, and attribute. I have been told I am a forgiving person, that I just forgive, let bygones be bygones, and accept their apology or non apology. Frankly, I am tired of talking about things that people have done wrong to me in my past. That is all I focus on, that is all anyone wants to focus on. Yes, I have had a terrible past, been abused, ridiculed, hurt, and tormented by lots of people. Up until just recently, I’ve lived in my past. Not looking forward to my future, to my possibilities, goals, dreams, hopes, and the things that are me. I am finally discovering this, and strangely I am at peace with everything that is around me. Even the fact, I will be alone on my birthday. My friends are going to be either out of town or doing something else, my family will be in Arizona for my nephew’s graduation. I decided, instead of feeling blue, disappointed, hurt, or anything I am going to make it special for me. I am going to make myself a fabulous dinner, and watch movies all weekend, since my birthday is a weekend. If anyone out there has any suggestions for movies to watch, let me know?

Friday, April 28, 2006


I took this picture at the beach last summer. I like it a lot, it is peaceful. This morning an epiphany came to me, hitting me upside the head. A lot of things have been happening in my life, since the day Rick passed away. A lot of changes have been happening, my dads' death, changing relationships, selling my home, starting a new life, and changing the core of who I am. I have not liked who I was before. I thought I knew myself, I thought I had things together, I thought a lot of things that were not accurate or true. For starters I hate waiting, waiting for answers from someone else, especially when it is not quick and doesn't come at my own timing. I do not have the right to demand an answer from someone who is not ready to give it. I hate it when I am put in that predicament. In a lot of ways I am thoughtful, in some others I am not. I do have compassion and understanding, but I also possess selfishness, lack of self control, and impatients. I am learning these things about myself. It is hard to look yourself in the mirror. The last few months I have gotten to the core of my being, my soul, my spirit. Though, I have had to to a lot of examinating and declarations. I have not gotten all of it. I am burned to ashes, the bird thats inside of me is growing. Though, I am not sure what that means, I have not gotten the pieces back together in my life. I have made some awful mistakes. I have made some decisions, I am not going to live in the past. Though, the people in my life will try and drag me down to that level. I know what my past is, I know how has effected me. I am choosing to let it go, move on, and stop wallowing in the pain of broken hearts, dreams, relationships, and most importantly loss of everything. My bank account is overdrawn, no more withdrawals are going to be made. I have never stood up to myself or to anyone in my life. Saying no, the other day to a dear friend, brought on some understanding. I have to do things for myself, it is not being selfish. My friends and family have learned this and have no problem thinking of themselves. If it will hurt me financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am not going to do it. I have done that more than once in my life and I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for a long time. I have given everything away and the things I have now, I am keeping. The gifts that are coming into my life, I am keeping. I'm not giving them away to anyone. On another note, I have also decided to fight my urges, and let it go with Monte. The confusion about our friendship is still there, but I am not going to wallow in it any more. I know it will be tough for me, I give in to my doubts and the part that misses his laughter and jokes. I have to prove something to myself and to him, that I am not dependent on him for anything. I am hopeful that in time we will be able to talk and laugh again. I am learning a lot of things this year about myself.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Beauty And The Beast

What is beauty? This is a subject that is on my mind this afternoon. There are several reasons for this subject on my mind. First, is a week ago, my big sister and I discussing beauty from an essay from Sarah Ban Breathnach titled "You are beautiful". She states in the first sentences "You are beautiful right now. Today. Just the way you are, just the way you look as you read these three words. You. Are. Beautiful." Boy did this bring up a discussion, one that took awhile on the subject of beauty. This is not my normal care, not until recently. I don't care about all the hype, makeup, hair, products, looks, and stuff. I have taken this rebel attitude to the fullest of the full. So far, in fact, that I am offensive to some people. Partly, this is due to a past life that I lived, and the other is do to what the heck do you do about some of these things that come up. Some of them are embarassing. I do have one dear friend Amber, who has showed me things about make-up, I have taken some of her methods and even invented some of my own. Finally, I am able to apply foundation, and all that goop on my face without feeling nervous anymore. I apperciate Amber's view point, it does make you feel better when you take care of yourself. That includes some beauty regiments and learning to appreciate yourself and realizing that taking time in caring for yourself is important. I have discovered, just recently, that there are ways to take care of your hygiene needs on a tight budget, or actually a almost none exhistant budget. I am not perfect at this concept yet, it is still new to me. I am taking notice, I am loving me enough to care about my beauty. I know I'm not going to be no Cindy Crawford, Madonna, Charlize Terron, or even Angelina Jolie. I am going to be me. I am beautiful inside and out the way I am. I have one hope that every woman realizes this and appreciate each others beauty and differences

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Music Of The Heart

A new beginning, a different start. Tonight, while I am cleaning, checking email, doing myspace, and such. I am listening to some cds. It's been awhile since I actually listened to music, can you believe that I am saying that? I am listening to my country. It stems from my childhood, I am well rounded in my music. I love a little bit of every thing. Old, new, in between, and odd stuff that some people never heard of. Living with a man, who had a massive collection of music. I gave so many cds, cassettes, and lps away that I looked like a freak. I kept some for myself, don't get me wrong. I like Reba McEntire, yes, she isn't the best singer in the world, but she happens to choose thought out and passionate songs. I have to be in the mood for her, just like any of the music that I happen to have in my collection. I have to be in the mood, the only artist that I am in the mood for all the time is Tori Amos. This one song caught me off guard by Reba tonight. In fact, I replayed it a couple of times to make sure the words sung, were what I heard. This one section of the song, I absolutely triggered a thought into my head. How in the heck did the writter of this song get into my head? How did they know my life? How did they know period? I experience that in songs all the time. I experience that not only in songs, but in books, tv, movies, and all kinds of things. Lately, my eyes have been open to a lot of the things around me. The people in my life, friends, family, neighbors, grocery clerks, other students, and artists. The part of the song that blew me out of the water.....
What i was so afraid ofTurned out to be my freedom in disguiseNow i know what i'm made ofGuess it just took some time to realizeI was blind i couldn't tellPut too much faith in someone elseI gave up on myself
Giving up on myself, I have done this.... I am in the process of mucking through the crap to get to the other side of life, my life.