Friday, July 29, 2005
Clearing away the pain of our lives is acheiveable. I am working on it now, it gets me, I struggle with it. I want to find the core of my being, the real me. Not the me that is fake, hides, shelters others, or fractures out. I believe God is real, I believe that he can heal, he has proven that to me on many levels. I have cleared away so much shit out of my life and I am starting to realize that I am not shit. I am a new creation, a creation that I am making with Gods help, from the people he has brought and will bring into my life, through realizations, insights, and other things.
I am struggling right now, I have pain that I am going through right now, and there has been pain that I have worked through. It has many layers, I tend to stuff, I tend to ignore, I tend to give up on myself. I can't do that anymore, I am tired of the shit. What do I intend to do about it? I am lucky, I have my faith, I have the love of God, family, and friends to help me go through it. The struggle for me is finding out what I am, what are my choices, and the belief that I am capable of it. I am, I believe that I am. That is a hard thing for me to say, since it is a new statement.
This is my year, this is the year of truth for me. That is what I am seeking, truth. Truth is another one of those words, like pain, it has a lot of emphasis behind it. That will be another topic to write about. Right now, I am working on pain, since that is what I am feeling right now. My friend Linda told me to write down everything that I am in pain about. Pain is based on fear, if you think about it. The fear of being alone, the fear of being wrong. the fear of getting what you want, the fear of not getting what you want, the fear of...... It depends on each individual. That is something that I have to work through. I am fearful and in pain in a lot of areas. My dad's passing, the newness of being in a new environment, being able to be myself with no one else around, having choices, being free, and most of all losing everyone in my life because of my fakeness. Our imaginations make things much worse than they really are, or make them something they aren't, even wonderful. I need to realize and do something about it.
July 29th, 2005
I am fluttering right now, so I thought this was a good title for my first blog. I am nervous, I am scared, life is scarry at times it is what you do with that fear that matters. I am learning that as I am getting older, especially now. I have always been in a cocoon, one that was made for me by factors of my life. I have made a subconcious choice to keep the cocoon around me and not let myself out. It has bitten me in the ass, especially now. The changes in my life have been hitting me hard, having someone die, that you cared about for 11 years and loved dispite their bullshit. Learning to be who you really are, when you have never been give the chance, and realizing it for the first time ever. It is a new experience, being me. I have been a chamelion, bending, shifting my opinions, my colors to whatever makes the other person who I was around happy. Who wants to be around someone like that? Right? Not many, that is why I am slowly losing people in my life, I am realizing it, I have started the hard road to changing. It is a struggle, I have lost several dear friends that have meant a lot to me. Two in particular, come to my mind, one that just happened yesterday and one that happened a few months ago. I do have some great people in my life that are standing by me, talking me through it. I am grateful to them for that. I have been inspired by them, Amber, Linda, Karen, Christina, and my three sisters Joy, Carri, and Vickie are there for me. I have to use this new experience, this new heartache as a stepping stone, their was a purpose to being shown an old pattern, so I can work it out with Gods grace and healing. I do believe in God, not the God of church, but a God that has love and value for me and for others. I have been slowly breaking the layers of my corrupt childhood and young adult hood, the layers that were the foundation of this old woman, but a new core person that God loves is emerging. I am becoming my own, I don't have to submit to someones shit. I love my sister Vickies saying "I don't like the taste of shit in my mouth, and I'm not eating yours". Yes, it is a crude remark, but it is a true one. Why do we have to absorb and bend to what others opinions are? Don't we have the right to our own thoughts, desires, and opinions? I believe we do, we are all free. God made us that way. We are free to think and do what we want. The choice is ours, I have choosen the path of renewal, the path of Gods love for me. I am valuable, I am acceptable, and yes, I do have a right to be me. I am fluttering to discover who that is and I am asking for patience as I unlock the doors that have been locked. I realize that everyone has this problem, locking up, not letting anyone in, being afraid, feeling volunarable. Why should we be afraid to share our heart and our whole core with others, especially those that love us?