Change

This week this song says it all for my journey.

The End

Writing an ending to a story that’s fictional cannot be easy, these revelations came to me because I just wrote the ending to a chapter of one aspect of my story today. When fiction’s being written you can write up all sorts of scenarios to end the story, such as, someone tripping and going through a propeller blade and being scattered or a menacing man walks up the villain and whacks him in the head or they are laying in bed together and the ceiling comes crashing down on them or the lady realizes her true potential, walks away joyously and tells the guy fuck off as she walks away. All these sound so inviting to me. Yes, I do have a dark side, that I don’t like much, but realize I must embrace because it’s an aspect that’s apart of me and if I don’t accept that aspect then I don’t accept me. Since I cannot be creative in my ending, I just have to accept that and just make the ending as good as I can. So I wrote a letter telling the person I am ending our story, farewell. I feel, relieved, even though, the dark Jamie would have liked to see the person mauled by a bear and eaten. Like that’s going to happen in a city, oh darn it. The fact remains that I care about this person, despite the deviancies in our friendship. I am also not ashamed of the fact that I have also chosen to forgive them and send them love, but for a brief moment before the revelation of LOVE hit, I wanted to kick some ass and make them hurt, like I was hurting.

I got some good news yesterday from the Rhematologist, the inflammation in my blood gone down and that makes me so happy, even though my breathing is getting worse from the scar tissue in my throat, at least one aspect of my new path of achieving good health is working. That gives me great hope and enjoyment. I have noticed that the medication been working, I am able to do things without pain. I am happy, I am going to be dancing in the streets when the scar tissue is conquered and I am able to run around and be me again. Actually, I’ve been slowly getting back to me again with new experiences and even discovering old ones that I have not done in years. I’m more aware of things then I use to be and so I don’t believe anything’s been a waste of time, even dysfunctional relationships that I had to recently write the ending to. 

Essential Ingredients

I read a complete book “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister and I am now 100 pages into “Angel Time” by Anne Rice both excellent books. I completed four lessons in “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson, which consisted of me writing letters to myself. I found this difficult  but managed to do it and felt much relief after accomplishing the task.

A surprise happened on Sunday, an old friend requested to by my friend on Face Book, which if anyone knows the story would find it rather shocking. I accepted, but have found some sort of enlightenment in the hand that’s been reached out towards me.  I am still assimilating what this means and what our new found communication looks like. It’s been five years since we’ve been on good speaking terms.

This week, I’ll hopefully finish “Angel Time” by Anne Rice and do the work in “A Course In Weight Loss”. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday, hopefully some more answers will be revealed. I am just taking one step at a time. I am enjoying my furry friend, Nicholas and the peacefulness of not having a dramatic roller coaster ride to sit on. Life is good. I cannot complain. 

The Beginning

The first week of the year just ended. I ordered myself seven books to read while I’m in the process of healing from another surgery. This time I chose stories that weren’t doctor oriented and scary such as the Frankenstein series by Dean Koontz. I learned my lesson, do not ever read a scary story before going into surgery, because you never know what you will be hallucinating while under the influence of drugs they give you to knock you out. And I was living in my hallucinations the story of Frankenstein and using my own characters and family as part of my story, not a good thing.

My breathing issue returned I feel it. I am more aware of it than I have ever been. The closing off of my airway, gasping for air while I do my chores, or walk to my mailbox, or even around the grocery store becomes an ingredient in the choices that I make. Dr. Anderson could be injecting a cell killer to stop the scar tissue from growing; he’s reluctant because the stuff is highly toxic. You have to put it exactly where you want it and leave on for a certain amount of time. It takes precision, I believe in Dr. Anderson. He’s been the most caring doctor that I’ve had. Luckily, I have 3 of them on my team and so I don’t feel alone. Even though my family is aware of my circumstances, they cannot imagine that ordeal of losing the ability to breathe takes to ones spirit, emotions, and physical ness. There are no words to describe the terrifying feeling or even the sense of hopelessness. 

So this week my plans are to watch Hamlet with Patrick Stewart. Oh how I love this mans acting. And read one of the 10 books that I am now in possession of thanks to my sister in law Kris and to Barnes and Nobles whom I bought some books from. The first book I’ll start will be “The School Of Essential Ingredients” by Erica Bauermeister. The title jumped out at me, because I love to cook. Though I have not had a chance to do it for quite some time. I am also starting “A Course In Weight Loss” by Marianne Williamson. I am doing this deep soul work along with the eating plan of Jorge Cruise. My sister in law and her family have started doing it, so it’s encouraged me to get back into the program. I’ve lost my ump for life. This week will be a blast.