Pain

What is pain? That is my question. Pain has many aspects to it, physical pain, emotional pain, and spiritual pain. It is amazing how much emphasis is in one word PAIN. I have had all types of pain in my life, I am sure everyone has, i'm no different.
Clearing away the pain of our lives is acheiveable. I am working on it now, it gets me, I struggle with it. I want to find the core of my being, the real me. Not the me that is fake, hides, shelters others, or fractures out. I believe God is real, I believe that he can heal, he has proven that to me on many levels. I have cleared away so much shit out of my life and I am starting to realize that I am not shit. I am a new creation, a creation that I am making with Gods help, from the people he has brought and will bring into my life, through realizations, insights, and other things.
I am struggling right now, I have pain that I am going through right now, and there has been pain that I have worked through. It has many layers, I tend to stuff, I tend to ignore, I tend to give up on myself. I can't do that anymore, I am tired of the shit. What do I intend to do about it? I am lucky, I have my faith, I have the love of God, family, and friends to help me go through it. The struggle for me is finding out what I am, what are my choices, and the belief that I am capable of it. I am, I believe that I am. That is a hard thing for me to say, since it is a new statement.
This is my year, this is the year of truth for me. That is what I am seeking, truth. Truth is another one of those words, like pain, it has a lot of emphasis behind it. That will be another topic to write about. Right now, I am working on pain, since that is what I am feeling right now. My friend Linda told me to write down everything that I am in pain about. Pain is based on fear, if you think about it. The fear of being alone, the fear of being wrong. the fear of getting what you want, the fear of not getting what you want, the fear of...... It depends on each individual. That is something that I have to work through. I am fearful and in pain in a lot of areas. My dad's passing, the newness of being in a new environment, being able to be myself with no one else around, having choices, being free, and most of all losing everyone in my life because of my fakeness. Our imaginations make things much worse than they really are, or make them something they aren't, even wonderful. I need to realize and do something about it.