Denialville or Illusion Island

Is the effort really worth it? This question is haunting me at this moment in my life. Crawling around on the floor, vacuuming trying to keep a clean environment in my two-bedroom apartment. I do not want to become like I was in Longview in my 5-bedroom house, wallowing in filth and unhappiness. Effort is apart of life, I realize. I am struggling with things on my plate, with my family and friends. I am scared of the truth, but sometimes the truth bites you in the ass when you least expect it. The shroud of illusion that has engulfed me for my entire life, is ripping apart. The red thick tapestry of fabric slowly, tearing down the middle of what I thought was real. I see the truth, I see that I am not consider family to the Coon’s. Those comments and the way of life has turned me into a mess of sorts. A mess that’s encompassing me to the fullest. The reality of the situation is eminent and I have to do something or I will surely die. I have to cut away the fragments that are not truth and start over again. I started this process three long years ago, Ricks death, my father’s death, and the death of an old life that needed to be killed is coming to an end. I am not sure where or what I am going to do. I do know that change needs to happen in me and I’m not sure how to do it or even what to do. All I know is that I’m not happy. I have to do something to change this mood I’m in. I talked to Monte tonight for a few minutes and he doesn’t want me to go through this alone. I am used to being alone, figuring out things alone. The illusions I didn’t do alone, my life is like one of those mirror mazes at the carnival where you walk through these long corridors trying to find your way out into the realism of the world. I do not have what I thought I did.
These judgments that have been made against me, because of stupid choices that I’ve made are not correct. I am unclear of what my steps will be, all I know is I do not like being in this maze anymore. I do have four awesome people who want to help me, Monte, Joy, Amber, and Vickie they do not expect anything from me in return. I want to scream, I don’t want to be here anymore, but I don’t know where to go. Help Me, please, somebody.