Epiphany

I took this picture at the beach last summer. I like it a lot, it is peaceful. This morning an epiphany came to me, hitting me upside the head. A lot of things have been happening in my life, since the day Rick passed away. A lot of changes have been happening, my dads' death, changing relationships, selling my home, starting a new life, and changing the core of who I am. I have not liked who I was before. I thought I knew myself, I thought I had things together, I thought a lot of things that were not accurate or true. For starters I hate waiting, waiting for answers from someone else, especially when it is not quick and doesn't come at my own timing. I do not have the right to demand an answer from someone who is not ready to give it. I hate it when I am put in that predicament. In a lot of ways I am thoughtful, in some others I am not. I do have compassion and understanding, but I also possess selfishness, lack of self control, and impatients. I am learning these things about myself. It is hard to look yourself in the mirror. The last few months I have gotten to the core of my being, my soul, my spirit. Though, I have had to to a lot of examinating and declarations. I have not gotten all of it. I am burned to ashes, the bird thats inside of me is growing. Though, I am not sure what that means, I have not gotten the pieces back together in my life. I have made some awful mistakes. I have made some decisions, I am not going to live in the past. Though, the people in my life will try and drag me down to that level. I know what my past is, I know how has effected me. I am choosing to let it go, move on, and stop wallowing in the pain of broken hearts, dreams, relationships, and most importantly loss of everything. My bank account is overdrawn, no more withdrawals are going to be made. I have never stood up to myself or to anyone in my life. Saying no, the other day to a dear friend, brought on some understanding. I have to do things for myself, it is not being selfish. My friends and family have learned this and have no problem thinking of themselves. If it will hurt me financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I am not going to do it. I have done that more than once in my life and I am exhausted. I have been exhausted for a long time. I have given everything away and the things I have now, I am keeping. The gifts that are coming into my life, I am keeping. I'm not giving them away to anyone. On another note, I have also decided to fight my urges, and let it go with Monte. The confusion about our friendship is still there, but I am not going to wallow in it any more. I know it will be tough for me, I give in to my doubts and the part that misses his laughter and jokes. I have to prove something to myself and to him, that I am not dependent on him for anything. I am hopeful that in time we will be able to talk and laugh again. I am learning a lot of things this year about myself.