Big Girls Don't Cry!

This songs been around a year so, I've just discovered it and it says how I am feeling about some things...
The Lyrics:

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I"m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
The path that I"m walking, I must go alone
I must take baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry
LIke the little school mate in the school yard
we'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers
and share our secret worlds
but it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on wiht my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, Don't cry, Don't cry.

Musing On Hunting Man!

I can't come up with a better title for this post. The last week or two, I've been watching a friend of mine, doing exactly this. I don't know why her self worth is based on how attractive she is or the attention she gets from men, while neglecting some important things in her life. Then I realize, why am I pointing a finger at her? I've done this exact same thing, and I have no right to judge her. Though, this dilemma, made me pause to wonder about some things. So, I'm musing on this issue, hunting for a man or a companion, since I'm sure females aren't the only ones who are doing this. Why is our society based on looking for a mate?
I've been without a constant male companionship for four years now. I do have a male friend, who off and on, replaced the companionship of Rick, but it's not exactly the same. Because well, he lives in his own apartment, and we have a passionate and tumultuous relationship. I am grateful for this relationship, because I have learned many things from this experience. He is a good friend, despite some things.
My dream last night says it all to me, thanks to the pointing out of some key things from my sister, Joy. I am ok with that, I'm not on the same path, as my friends. Yet, I still love them and support them, I'm sure the feelings mutual. I am ok alone, and after Ricks passing, I made the decision to not go hunting for a man, though some of the people in my life, pushing, by making comments, and encouraging me to go on dating sites, and I'm uncomfortable, not because of getting to know a stranger, or things like that. It is more personal, it's deeper than that. My spirit, twirling around with new concepts daily, and I'm still on shaky foundation. Yes, I do get lonely, I do wish to be held, kissed, have romance in my life, somehow, I've realized, I have key issues to get through first. For example, intimacy, trust, loving myself, and learning to take care of my needs. I want to get my college education, I want to explore photography more, and explore many different subjects, that I've put off, because of grieving the loss of many things the past four years. A deep friendship that ended, because of a MAN, the tumultuous relationship with a man, the death of a dear person in my life, and the death of my dad. Learning new skills became an issue, because suddenly, I became independent of my thoughts, spirit, actions, dreams, hopes, love, desires, everything. I did not have to be on constant edge, submiting my thoughts, emotions, spirit, actions, and I became in control over my own life. A new concept for me. I became afraid of this new power, and I found ways to let others have it, but now, I am learning to enjoy that power. I am still learning, and frankly, I don't want my desire for a man to hault the new develope inside of me. The woman who harvested new life skills and can be a better companion because of them...

Twilight

I've been reading the Stephanie Meyer books, I'm now onto the 4th Breaking Dawn. I'm looking forward to the movie of her first book Twilight. Here is a clip of it...

Getting Ready For Winter

Fall, many things represnet fall to me. The leaves change color, from bright green, into yello, burnt orange, red, and finally brown, where they end up on the ground. I hear the dead leaves crunching under my feet, while I am walking to my mail box. At my apartments, we have a huge oak tree. It is shape shifting into his winter mode, where it will be barren until spring. The great oak, must be about a hundred years old. This morning, I saw a squirrel burying nuts underneath it's trunk, getting ready for winter... I don't know how squirrels do it, burying nuts, and then patting the ground until it is hard to tell where they bury them, and then finding them during the winter months. How do they do that? It's a truly amazing thing to watch...

Beauty Around Me

More photographs from my trip with my friend Amber...
I've been busy reading, the Stephanie Meyer books, her saga of Edward, Bella, and Jacob... The movie comes out on November 21st and I am going to see it in the theaters. I'm excited.. Twilight, I finished it in one day... Now, I'm onto New Moon... I own these two, my friemd Amber, loaned me the other two... I'm off to read...

Musings

Something inside of me, changing, like the color of the leaves in the fall. I'm beginning to see differently, things around me... Change, apart of life, something I feared, still do. My fortune cookie said to me: "Remember it's about the journey, not the final destination." I'm ready to change my color... Again!

Zen Walking

Beautiful, glorious day out with a friend, walking in a Zen garden located in Longview Washington...



Buddha!!



Amber and I




The bridge to the garden.



I love trees!!!



The Path...



The sunshine coming through. Beautiful!!!




so Beautiful, this Zen Garden, in Longview Washington...



A beautiful peaceful scene. I love this picture...



The pretty red leaves...


I absolutely love fall colors... Me with the red leaves.


My dear friend Amber Dawn, and me holding a branch up... lol


My souvinirs from my walk with Ms. Amber Dawn...

Into The Woods, I Go

Dog And Butterfly

A dream of mine came true Sunday night, I saw Heart live. I love Hearts' music, ever since I was a young girl and there first album "Dreamboat Annie" came out in 1976. I remember my sister Vickie and I singing the song "Dog and Butterfly" together. I wish my sister Vickie could have been there with me, but she was unable. Journey was awesome too, even the new lead singer gave his all and pulled it off. I enjoyed singing along to all the words with my friend Amber and seeing Ann and Nancy perform live... You girls Rock!!! Thanks for sharing your talent...

How I Am Feeling!

see more puppies

Craving Nature

I am reading Diane Ackermans' book "Cultivating Delight", I am enjoying it, especially since I am not able to go out and enjoy nature at this moment, I am sick. Ugh!!! I took this picture this summer, when my sister Vickie came up for a visit for two weeks. The Cowee Man River is a beautiful place. I love trees, the bigger, the better they are.

Oh Take Me Way!

I am sick, I hate it. I am coughing, my lips dry, my nose stuffed, my back aches from laying in bed, I can't lay down, because when I do I cough and cough and I can't stop. I am in a terrible mood. I did go to the hospital on Saturday, only to find out I have some form of pnemonia and it sucks, I wish the anti-biotics would kick in and heal me. I need a miracle. I am asking for a miracle here.
My friend, who is going to Belgium, leaves tomorrow, I am babysitting his cat and his apartment for the two weeks he will be gone. The trooper in me, plans on still doing this, despite how I am feeling and I am going to do it. I just wish this would go away so that I can enjoy his big screen TV and my visit with Mr. Man (his cat) while he is away. I don't have any critters of my own, so I am looking forward to this time with Mr. Man. I also want to say farewell to my friend...
I hate staying in bed all day, doing nothing, but looking at the walls, coughing up my lungs, and making treks to the bathroom. The pleasure of the internet is not fun anymore too. Even reading, which I enjoy, is a chore to do. Yet, I started Diane Ackermans, Cultivating Delights. I am enjoying her stories about her garden and the deer that visit her garden. For a few moments, my mind is off of being sick, then, wham! I start in on this coughing bit, my stomach hurts from all this cough, I swear, I am building up my abs, by coughing. Hey, that can be the new exercise fad that can go around, coughing to build up your abs. Can you see the info commercials now? Sorry, I'm in a bit of a mood today, actually for the last few days.
I will stop for now, before I say something even worse... I wish everyone good health...

Green

I am sick in bed this fine day. So, I am missing the green trees and being able to be outside in nature.

Hopes & Dreams

Shattered they've become.
Hope still blossoms.
The wolf rests peacefully.

Sunday Serenity

Abba music brings me serenity and joy into my life. This morning, as I am writing my morning pages, I am listenig to Abba. Take a chance on me,
Dancing Queen, Fernando, Knowng me, Knowing you, all awesome songs. Thank you to Monte for making a CD copy of this cd for my collection...

Library

I took a trip to my local library, I got tired of sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself. So, I went to my library, looking at the stacks of books that were their ripe for the picking. I went a strolled down the spiritual/religion section and I got five great finds. I'm looking forward to reading these sacred books. I also got a fiction novel to read too, for a total of six...

1. Sacred Spaces: Carolina da Silva

2. Life's Little Rituals: Alexandria

3. A Mystic Garden: Gunilla Norris

4. A New Earth: Eckhart Tolle

5. Wise Women: Susan Cahill

6. Skylight Confessions: Alice Hoffman

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mom is on my mind today, I've thinking about her, missing some of the good things about her, and also contemplating how much my life truly changed in the course of 21 years since her passing. I just finished the 6th grade, and I moved to Longview, Washington, to be with my sister and her family. Looking on it, grieving, contemplating, and an overwhelming sense of loss, waves over me like a banner. Though, I do have to say, from every experience I have learned many valuable lessons in my life. That life throw unbelievable sadness and happiness at different times in ones life. Every experience, somehow shapped me into the person I am. Somehow, that blunt, bulldog, tiger girl's been lost. That is one of my greatest fears, to become and die like my mother did. That is what I am thinking of today, my mothers life and death, and the many adventures I went on in my life. I feel like a great explorer, roaming around, observing things.
When I look at the kaelodescope of my life, I see every shape, color, and demension of the people who have become a part of my life, some are still here, some are gone. Each one holds a key that unlocks a door, showing, behind the door new ways of viewing certain situations in my life. An example: I went from a single mother, who became besieged with mental problems, to a sister whose house elapsed into the drug haven of the whole city of Longview and beyond, to a fundamentalist sect Christian family, to a man who loved Elvis and nothing more. All these experiences somehow became a part of my foundation, one that I am not ashamed of anymore. I can't be, though at times it shook it, crumbled it, I still didn't break, I didn't die, I didn't became a blob of nothing. I stood it, and yet I still have my humanity. I am appreciating my blunt perspectives, my compassionate, genrious nature, and also the tiger that I am when I am fighting for someone or something I love. I can't change who I am...
I've always told everyone that I don't know who I am, the fog is lifting that I've been in for so long. It is possible to love yourself and to love others the same... Balance can be reached.

Book Giveaway

Joystory is hosting a book give away from Hachette books. The books they are giving away look rather intriguing, especially the ones on leadership... Go check it out...

Thank You Universe

It's 2 in the morning, I'm wide awake, with a ton on my mind. So, I thought I'd blog about it.
The things on my mind is my future, my health, my soul, and relationships. Whoa, I'm sure I'm not the only one in the universe who contemplates these many aspects of ourselves, feelings of failure, hopelessness, insecurity, and the mindless menage of things that hampers a person. That is one thing that I am truly encompassing into my life, figuring out where my place on this planet truly is, finding a spiritual path that is more true to my soul. I have realized that every spiritual leader, teacher, guide, or human being who's writen self help books, are basically saying the same things. Letting go to the Universe or Source and being a person of integrity. That balance is the true measure of happiness, be happy in the little joys of life. Today, I enjoyed my day. I got up early, went to the post office, felt bless that I was the only one in line, so I was served faster, thank you Universe. And then went to the grocery store, where I had a pleasant conversation with the lady at the cash register, she was so thoughtful, she helped me back up my purchases. Save a lot, doesn't bag up your groceries, you have to do it yourself. I don't mind, at least I know where my stuff is and I can organize it in the bag. I digress, my point is, I decided to get my mind off of a certain person, whose been in my mind and my heart for 4 years and I let it go to the universe and guess what, he contacted me and what made us friends in the first place was back. I felt blessed by it, even if at one time of the day, there was a moment of relapse, but I made it thru it.
Slow progress is happening, relapses, moments of sadness, grief, happiness, and all the emotions of life, happen, I can choose to accept that or fight it. I am choosing ot accept that it is apart of life and that I am a creator of my life, along with the Universe.

Balancing Act

A roller coaster ride that went array states how I am feeling at the moment. I hit a verbal brick wall today. My face feels broken and shattered into a million different pieces, because honestly, I've been nurturing others in my life for a long time. I've put others ahead of my own desires, in fact, so much so, that I don't know what my desires are. That is the truth of the whole thing. I've never truly took into account what I want in my own life, or developed my own talents in any endeavors. I've followed the people in my life, Vickie, Joy, Monte, Summer, Amber, so numerous, that it would take hours for me to list it all. That emptiness inside of me is coming to a head, because, the two friends that were brave enough to express themselves to me, spoke out. In two different styles, but their messages were the same. It paused me to think of my integrity, my intentions, my serenity, my foundation in my own SELF. Quick fixes don't suffice with the deep rooted pain and humiliation that I feel inside. That cause me to act out like an emotional vampire onto people in my life. It all started, when Rick died, I came unglued, I don't turn to food anymore for comfort, I got rid of the garbage of his house, and also of my own soul. I became raw inside, and then I felt empty. I wanted quick fixes to fill me up, but I became depended on others to show me how to do that. In fact, I wore them out, I'm sure. In fact, I put a dear friend in Ricks place, unconscouisly, I put a role onto Monte, that shouldn't have been his in the first place. Then, I got angry with him, when he couldn't be what I wanted him to be to me. It hurt, caused me to act out irrationally, being a total enemy of myself.
So, this week, despite my fears, my reservations, I am taking some time to self evaluate many issues that have suddenly, undammed themselves in my life and deal with them one by one.