What's Love?

"No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest." John O'Donohue (Anam Cara)

Home At Last

I'm home, never thought I'd be so excited to be at home. My one day surgery turned out to be a three day stay, only two or three more surgeries before the problem in my throat is cured. Acid reflux while I'm sleeping is the cause, am so glad that it wasn't the other two variables Dr. Anderson suggested. Am feeling blessed, relieved, and a deep sense of gratitude. So, a couple of days of rest, then time to start on my five things to accomplish this month. While at the hospital I started Dr. Wayne Dyers book Inspirations and am loving it. Something so real and thought provoking about him. Well, am off to go read and get some rest.

The Beginning Of My 36th Year.

One day until surgery, yes, another surgery just as before. I'll be having at three more until whatever is in my throats gone. The strange thing, am at peace with it. Grateful, finally answers to my questions. Tomorrow I'll even have more answers. Some how the last six months brought on some changes to my attitude and even to my relationships. My thirty sixth year will be a miraculous adventure. That became evident on my birthday, which was Friday. The whole day, one thing after another happened, both good and bad and somehow everything meshed well. To where fear, anger, resentment, and most of all paralysis have vanished. Compulsion to sit around and wait for a certain friend to be a friend disappeared to where it does not matter at all. I've got plans, and also the gumption to get them done, only two days and then the gate to my journey will be open to me and the next chapter of my life can begin. Actually, its already began last Friday, the first day of my thirty sixth year. Where for the first time, contentment and love resided beside me with my family and friends, from close by, to far away. My sister in law Chris took me to the Rose Garden, the roses weren't all in bloom, but many flowers were. Where we walked a little ways and saw the outline of this magnificent city garden located in Portland Oregon. Plans for going back are in my agenda this summer. Then we drove around for eighty miles looking at awesome homes and scenic views and yep, cemetaries too. Then we went home and ate cheese, bread, and played a couple of games before going to my home at 4 AM. Many more great days will happen...

Me From The Inside

Went and got another CT Scan at Vancouver Radiology. A surprise they gave me a photo copy of my scan. I find it a miraculous thing to see my brain, throat, and spine. Am hoping to be having surgery to cure my breathing issue sometime in May.

Digging For My Stash

Am up early this morning, planning on getting a few things done to prepare for my upcoming surgery. This week on Jorge Cruise, I backslide and didn't loose anything at all. Loads of stuff overruled my mind and that took over. When mindful of what I'm putting in my body so many good things happen. Step three has become a soul searching quest to find something else to do besides stuff my face when faced with the unknown and the frustrating obstacles that seem to appear out of thin air. Now onto new a better things and burying new nuts to dig up later. Watched a squirrel digging up his/hers old nuts from the winter, made me think are they still edible? Hmm, a good question, truthfully how many things in my life have I horded, from emotions, to people, things, and old habits and then they become stall, not useful, and just plan old rancid yet we still use them, eat them, and allow them around just because we horded them and feel bad about being wasteful. What kind of thinking is that? Not very healthy. So, realizing this some deep soul searching and reveral of choices has become another focus in my life...

Sping

Springs in the air, love the smell of rain on a spring day. Smells clean, a since of renewal clings the flowers, grass, roads, cars, and everything the drops hit. Took these photos at my mom's house. I have fond memories of walking home from school and seeing all the tulips, azaleas, and daffodils waiting for me to get home. I received a phone call this afternoon, have to go get another CT Scan. Somehow they took the x-ray in the wrong spot. What can you do. Still waiting but hopeful.

Trampoline Time!

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I received my mini-trampoline in the mail today. I am so excited. Fun was not had when it came to assembling, true strength and patients was needed. I enjoyed my three mini two minute workouts. Right now I’m concentrating on balancing, doing the major acrobats that the lady demonstrates on the DVD is not doable, at least not yet.
I’m still in the process of working thru a lot of mental and emotional stress that’s been eating away at me. So, I’m focusing on the physical to ease some of the tension. I do have goals, dreams, desires, feelings, and I’m processing thru all of them, making doable plans that work for me. A new thing for me…

Starbucks An Old Friend, And Self Evauluation

I met with an old friend that I have not seen in many years, Sarah. I enjoyed our visit. My nerves were jumping up and down waiting to met up with her at Starbucks, she and I were never that close of friends. I did admire her from afar. We both got awake tea, she crochet while we visited.
I have a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly whats on my mind is where do I go from here. Everyone has ideas and opinions, usually, I would jump up and do whatever anyone would say that I needed to do. I am too exhausted to even think of doing that, each person in my life has an idea. I have been focusing on this one friendship for many years, up and down, all around it goes. I am on nauseating roller coaster ride that continues to be the same thing. I am so tired of it. How many times do you have to hear from someone they do not enjoy your company, you embarrass them in public, or whatever other cruel things they say to you? I am apparently not human in this persons eyes.
I am tired of being in an unhealthy relationship. I sometimes feel like I want to avoid having any type of relationship with anyone, but I know that is not the answer. I do need some time to myself, I feel in my heart that is the next step, I've been putting that off, like I've been putting off exercising, eating correctly, reading, writing, school, and so many other things that I can't think of them all.
So, after two weeks from the surgery and my near death experience, I'm once again waiting for the next step. I want to scream, wheres my next step universe. What the hell am I suppose to do now? My house shows the chaotic state that I am in now, I am one of those believers that believe the clutter demonstrates the state that you are in. Since I've moved into my apartment last August, I've been keeping it clean and organized, I've been slacking off on it since Monte, yep, that's the friend I am speaking about.
I am choosing to let all the painful communication go between us and concentrate on what I want for a change. I am going to figure that out. That truly is the next step. I cannot do what someone else expects me to do anymore. I've got to go about things in my own timing and way. Quoting my sister Vickie and my friend Sarah, "It is what it is". I am taking those words into my psyche.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Sunday was my mom's 78th birthday, so all four of us kids got to spend it with her. i had a great time...


Levi my nephew.



My mom opening her birthday gifts.




My sister Joy and our mom. My mom's 78 as of Sunday...




My sister Joy sewing one of her bookmarks.

Picture Of The Day

Here is a photograph I took yesterday on my road trip to Rice Hill with two of my sisters and my niece. We had a grand day...

Snowy Weather

It’s snowing! It’s gorgeous outside, I’m thankful I didn’t have to drive in it. I had fun watching the giant snowflakes fall from the sky, and watching the kids play in the snow.
I now have a TV to watch my DVDs on, a friend’s mother gave me a 19 inch TV and I just got it all set up today. I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to for 2010, my sister Joy is visiting from Phoenix Oregon, school, more weight loss, I can breath, and of course, my beautiful apartment. I am slowly getting back into the groove of my life, concentrating on getting healthy for the fall quarter of college. I am still a bit sick, coughing, but I still sound good and its not getting me down at all.

Thoughts

"So strange. Woke up to a world that I am not a part except when I can play it's stranger." Tori Amos

A photo of the theater ceiling in Portland Oregon called Arlene Schnitzer Hall. I was privileged to see Tori Amos on Saturday night in this amazing place.
I am in awe of the blessing to get to see her perform many of her songs. She performed for two yours, and man can she perform. She's a passionate spirit that knows herself and her soul comes thru in every song she does.
It's a rainy Monday. Many thought cloud my mind today, yesterday too. I love this line from one of her songs... I am going to get lost in the story world of Tori and my new book... Enjoy your Monday.

Sewing Or Sowing...

I decided that I needed to get out of my funky mood, so I went to Joanne’s craft store with Jessica today. I got a new cross stitch project. I am doing a small pattern on pillow cases, butterflies, daisies, and ferns, in colors of white, peach, and shades of green, beautiful. I got all the threads organized, wrapped around the plastic holders, ready for me to start stitching. While handling the colorful threads, I started seeing some things. At first, I was mindlessly wrapping the thread around the pearl white holder, then suddenly thoughts of where my life is heading came to me. Somehow, I have ended up back at the beginning of my life, the stitches have unraveled, and now, a clean slate lays before. I still have some of the holes left where previous stitches have gone before, but do I even want to go back into that same hole, or do I want to make another pattern.? I want another pattern. I want my life to go into another direction, and I want whole new thread.
I believe, that my funks, or depression, whatever you call it, happens when someone finally gets tired of the mucky, chunky diaherra of their lives and the soul is speaking to them. My soul’s talking to me. I am listening. I do believe in what the bible, and other books say, “you sow what you reap” and “Karma”. So, with this new cross stitch project, and other projects that I want to accomplish, I am making a new pattern for my life. I do know, despite my negative thoughts, I do have several people who do love me, they just don’t show it in the way I can see it now, maybe soon I’ll be able to see it better…

Ode To The River

I woke up early today. I have a lot of stuff on my mind, I am working towards a lot of issues that have been perplexing to me for a long time. I am not positive of what the answers are, have this sneaky suspicion that the answers don't really exist, who knows?

My apartment is still being constructed. The bathroom is finally starting to look like a bathroom, and soon, I am hoping I will have my own spot. Thats one thing I am truly missing, my own spot. Where my stuff is, where I can make my own food, where I am not being invaded on my big dogs, or big humans, or pouncing cats, or other things, as often. I love my family, I am truly grateful for everything, but sometimes you just need some space.

I am officially starting my physical theraphy this morning, I am a bit nervous about it. I am hoping to build up the strength in both of my legs, and to also build on endurance. I have a feeling that I will be sore today, I'll be exercising in a swimming pool. Jennelle seems like a great physical therapist and she knows what she is doing. I have reverted to toe walking on my left leg, when I was 16 I had achillis tendon surgery on both of my legs. I was a toe walker my entire life, up to that point, my guardians noticed and got something done about it. My right leg is not as flexible either, but I am not toe walking on it. I don't want to go back to that predicament. Now, I have some goals, losing another 100 pounds, my physical theraphy so I don't end up back as a toe walker, getting my own spot, going back to school, and not acting like a complete lunatic over all the changes in my personal life and relationships.

These photographs at the top were taken last Saturday at Willow Grove Beach. Jessica and I went there to let the dogs, Christy, Steve, and Thomas run. The horse was trotting on the water front and Christy the dog wanted to sniff its bottome for a greeting. The horse was not having that. lol Anyway, I brought home a big piece of drift wood, that I want Jesscia to paint a Lord Of The Rings face on for me. Have a great morning...

Happy Spring!

I am still treading along, waiting for my own spot, but feeling well. I felt a momenttary lapse of irritation today, but everything went smoothly.
The daffodils are in bloom and that makes me happy. I have fond memories of daffodils. My mom's been a mast gardener and they were the first signs of spring. Walking home from school, I always knew home was close by when I saw the happy yellow faces swaying in the breeze.

Harvey, the bunny, became my new furry friend last night. He is so cute, fluffy, and soft, and of course, loveable.

Ode To The Lady Bug

Beauty was everywhere yesterday. Early in the morning my good friend Amber came up to my new home in Longview and we hung out most of the day.
The truly miraculous part of my day happened when I was sitting on the front porch watching Dave and Jessica pouring cement into the newly formed parking area out front. I have never had a lady bug land on me, it happened yesterday in the sun. I looked down and there was a lady bug on my hand. Luckily I had my camera with me, only because I was shooting photos of the workers, the pretty clouds, and my furries buddies, those will be posted in the future.

Accomplishment

I'm officially moved. Yay! Took three days, my new start here in Longview will be a good thing for everyone. I love having animals back in my life, even the rowdy human kind. That'll take some getting use to. lol My quarters are not finished, not until the end of March. So, I am camping out in the living room and my furnitures in storage for a month. New experiences, the feeling of hope continues on.




Rick, Jessica, and Sam. They just finished spreading the new gravel on the parking space.




Rick and his motorcycle.



My new friend Christy. She's my nephew Rick's dog, I have finally moved. It's all done. Yay!!! Jessica, Rick's wife and I were watching Horton Hears A Who and Christy decided to cuddle with, she had her head on my breast. I love having a dog, actually, 4 dogs in my life, also 5 cats. I can actually remember their names. \\

Floods, Rain, and Other Disasters

This morning, got up and went to get my blood drawn for the tests my doctor wants to run. My arm is a bit sore from where they stuck me with the needle,I always get a bruise when they do that. I am thankful that I at least have one easily accessable vein they can reach, or else I would be seriously screwed.
The snow melted, then it started to rain, guess what that caused? FLOODS! Yep, my home town, which is 40 minutes from where I live in Vancouver have become a flooded disaster. My nephew Rick, luckly has not been asked to vacate his home, nor have my mom and two sisters. Man, what a bang to the new year.
I ventured out on my deck this afternoon to read my book, get some fresh air, and pretend that I am not at my apartment. I can hear the I5 freeway's cars cruising by, hear the seagulls, geese, and other birds fluttering by. I love clouds, water, and trees, so I snapped some shots of the trees. I could see the moon from where I sat and got some pretty photos of it. I am feeling a bit more flexible, never realized how important being flexible was, until I tried to put pants ands shoes on, when your knees hurt. Thankfully, it's healing and I can start on my balance ball again, and maybe the orthopedic will recommend some theraphy to help me on my quest. Enjoy the photos and everyone living in Longview stay dry and healthy.





I5, behind my apartment building...





The moon out tonight.

Musings

Another photo of Frijord the dog, only his face this time. I love dogs, can you tell? I am more of a dog person, than a cat person. Cats, well there are only a few that I have learned to like over the years, but they aren't what I can loveable to me.
Today, I made some progress. I cleaned the house, one crutch, and one hand at a time, since that seems to be how I am getting around these days. I did a load of laundry, garbage detail, dishes, and cleaned up my bedroom, the place where I've been spending most of my time lately. I am hoping to get more done. Man, carrying things with one hand took a great miracle, but am proud that I did it and I got it done. My sister Joy, now is in the same predicament as my mom and I, with our legs, though different ailments. I have no idea what the heck is going on, unless some wicked fairy decided to come after all of us and cause despair, humiliation, and pain to us all. I consider mine a blessing in disguise now, though that took a lot of soul searching to come to that conclusion. You should of seen me laid up at my brother Rob's house, feeling so humiliated, hopeless, and all these negative feelings. What the heck was I going to do to change this pattern in my life? Finally, I got two great doctors, my Orthopedic and Cardiologist, who have taken great care and interest in my well being, so the hope tree is growing and blossoming. I wish and hope the same thing for my mom and sister. Joy, is now in bed, letting her infection heal. I hope that she will take these few days, read her books, meditate, relax, breath, and not take things in life to seriously, that it hurts her health and well being. I do the same thing, so I cannot condemn her for it. Self nurturance is a vital and important thing to do for oneself. I have a hard time withe perservance, understanding, and enduring qualities it takes to fight the medical system or make the doctor and nurses listen to what you are you saying. After visit a doctor like that, you feel more battered than you already are and you just say screw it, not going thru that again.
This year, I decided that I would nurture myself, whatever that means, entails, or becomes thru out the year. I got a food journal to keep track of what I am eating, was hoping to start exercsie, but that will have to happen at a later time, since now medical rest seems to taking over at this moment. Though, I am beginning to apprecaite certain people in my life, that's a good thing.

Six

Got this from a fellow bloggers blog, am not going to tag anyone, because I don't like obligating anyone to do something they probably don't wanna do. Here are the rule:

How to play (it's really easy): Go to your photo archives or where ever you store your images; select the sixth file, open it and post the sixth picture contained there, with the story behind it. And, finally tag six friends to play (I'm not doing that last bit, but if you play, let me know so I will be sure to stop by and check out your photo story).







My friend Monte's a drummer, this is his kit. He has them set up in his dinning room, near the patio door. I love the drums, wanted to play them when I was a young girl. So, while he was in the bathroom, I snapped this photo of them. I have several shots of him actually playing them...