Balancing Act

A roller coaster ride that went array states how I am feeling at the moment. I hit a verbal brick wall today. My face feels broken and shattered into a million different pieces, because honestly, I've been nurturing others in my life for a long time. I've put others ahead of my own desires, in fact, so much so, that I don't know what my desires are. That is the truth of the whole thing. I've never truly took into account what I want in my own life, or developed my own talents in any endeavors. I've followed the people in my life, Vickie, Joy, Monte, Summer, Amber, so numerous, that it would take hours for me to list it all. That emptiness inside of me is coming to a head, because, the two friends that were brave enough to express themselves to me, spoke out. In two different styles, but their messages were the same. It paused me to think of my integrity, my intentions, my serenity, my foundation in my own SELF. Quick fixes don't suffice with the deep rooted pain and humiliation that I feel inside. That cause me to act out like an emotional vampire onto people in my life. It all started, when Rick died, I came unglued, I don't turn to food anymore for comfort, I got rid of the garbage of his house, and also of my own soul. I became raw inside, and then I felt empty. I wanted quick fixes to fill me up, but I became depended on others to show me how to do that. In fact, I wore them out, I'm sure. In fact, I put a dear friend in Ricks place, unconscouisly, I put a role onto Monte, that shouldn't have been his in the first place. Then, I got angry with him, when he couldn't be what I wanted him to be to me. It hurt, caused me to act out irrationally, being a total enemy of myself.
So, this week, despite my fears, my reservations, I am taking some time to self evaluate many issues that have suddenly, undammed themselves in my life and deal with them one by one.