Journey To Self

Watching the chick flicks, “The Holiday” and “Sex And The City, The Movie”, I kept wondering what the heck is wrong with me. These romances, searching for the prince that’ll sweep you off your feet, a relationship, that’s full of love, trust, and issues, and here I am not evening willing to chance it. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of these movies and other romantic movies, just that I have always thought it would never happen to me. Somehow, ingrained in my mind, heart, and soul were the words from my sister, mom, and a few others, that you will never attract a man, or be relationship material. I thought I was lucky that I had a ten year relationship, but when he died, I thought that was it. I have signed up for some dating sites, but only at the urging of my friends. I don’t feel satisfied, I feel creepy about the whole process of advertising yourself, putting the make-up and having those sexy photos on there to attract a man. I still have issues with the whole process. Yet, deep down inside, where I hide a lot of things, I do have the desire of a relationship, that’s different than I have ever had, but the fear, the shame, the whole humiliating process of finding him makes me run and hide under my blankets. I keep deluding myself into thinking that I have to do some major changing before that’ll ever happen. That I have to be perfect, that the gross, stinky mess that my life’s in has to be completely abolish before I even start. I have reverted too far the other way, to where, I purposely hide from people, men, women, the romance, so I don’t have to deal with the painful rejection, or even have to work at all, saying to myself and to others that I am perfectly happy alone, am I really? No, that’s a big fat lie. I do like to spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation, but I also enjoy the company of people who make me laugh, that I can have deep spiritual and intellectual talks about many different subjects with. So, at the age of 35, I am forging a new path of self discovery, but the thing is, this path is not new. It’s the one I started in 2004 when Rick died and all these new and exciting experiences started happening for me. I have had some key people in my life who have shinned their beacon of knowledge on me, that I still hold in high esteem. Yet, a lot of these relationships are changing, hopefully to something better.
I am in a moment of asking questions to the universe. What’s my purpose? Who can I trust? Where do I want to go? Some of the questions roaming around in my old noggin. In my dreams, I have gotten some answers, some of them have been complete surprises coming out of nowhere, and some I have already known. Yet, I possess this lazy, unmotivated, hard headed chick who says screw this, I’m going to travel down this path, even if I totally destroy myself. That’s the part of me I want to shut up.
As I sit here, in my pajamas, propped up by pillows on my bed, gazing out the window at a big evergreen tree and mass vines of blackberry bushes and morning glories, I am beginning to ponder many things in my life. The people, the places I’ve been, and my role in this universe. I only know one thing for sure, that some part of me is waiting for the big fireworks to tap me on the shoulder and guide me to where I am meant to be and where I actually have some peace of mind and happiness. That’s just another Jamie fantasy, this divine being guiding me to where I need to be, to where I am to be blissfully happy, all knowing, all glowing with the joyfulness of finally figuring out the great cosmic universe. Yeah right, that’s every going to happen. Scientist can’t even say they know the whole universe of life and what exactly happen, that’s why they argue about it. Maybe that’s just it, I’m going to have to accept that I am not going to know anything more until it’s ready to be revealed to me. Ugh! I don’t like that at all, what can I do about I? Nothing, it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not.
Can you tell, that I am seconding guessing my thoughts, feelings, passions, goals, you name it, I am probably doing it. I admit to the public and to myself that I have a major problem with follow thru, finding and keeping my motivation, and most importantly losing the real perspective of life. I am so good at seeing it for everyone else, when it comes to me, I have the blinders on.
Perhaps, the question what happens now? Do I keep whining, do I perhaps stay stuck in an unhealthy situation? Or do I follow the knowledge and wisdom that my dreams tell me? To be continued as this enlightening journey leads me…