Evaluating my circumstances in my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to be more confident and reliable to me. Why is it so much easier for me to be those things for someone else, but when it comes to my own accomplishments and goals, I can’t? I watched a Suzy Orman program on PBS the other night and she gave some great examples on how to be a powerful woman. I want a lot of things, it seems like when you hit your thirties, you want more financial security, freedom, and peace in your life, you seem to buckle down with a true plan, I‘m at the beginning of that plan. The everyday crap that accumulates don’t seem to matter anymore, the drama from friends or family doesn‘t seem to matter as much. I want a simple life, without the malarkey that seems to trap itself into my life.
I have started this creative change, in hopes to creatively change the circumstances in my life. Nothing seems to be changing, what the heck am I doing wrong? Is this just a rough patch that will disperse in time?
I have so many things that need fixing in my life, it is hard to buckle down and get started. Responsibility in finances, my health, my weight, and just plain old living keep fracturing off into these doubts that I am baffled by. Why am I procrastinating my own happiness? I have good goals for myself, ones that I am fully confident that I am going to meet, but why am I so fearful of that happiness that I want and desire? Why do I fearfully fret about things that I shouldn’t fret about? Why do I let things go to shit when things suddenly go start going right? These questions and so many more plaque me and I’m not exactly sure what my path to success should be. I so, admire these strong women that I see, who are accomplishing long term goals and being successful. I want that for myself, is that being selfish? Why am I being lazy about accomplishing my goals or even cleaning up my environment?
I started this Creative Change in hope of giving myself some inspiration, to declutter my mind, body, and soul, but for some reason I am not feeling at peace with it. Maybe, this is just a trial period, I have no idea.
The eight qualities that Suzy Orman advises all of us on to become powerful women:
1. Harmony
2. Balance
3. Courage
4. Generosity
5. Happiness
6. Cleanliness
7. Beauty
8. Wisdom
Showing posts with label Jamie's Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jamie's Journey. Show all posts
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Writing One's Story
I get a newsletter from Goddess.com and they gave suggestions on writing one's life story. I liked the suggestions, because some of them have been illustrated in many of the books I have or am reading. Blogging is my way of sharing my thoughts and story with family, friends, and strangers, in our time, it is easier to do this with a blog. Blogging is a great way to communicate, though some of us were not blessed with the skills of a professional writer. Does that truly matter? Expressing ones heart is a difficult task to do in person, but writing it out, helps a lot. I do not express my emotions well in person, but I sure can get it out with pen and paper, or more likely computer and keypad. I have a talented writter in my family, maybe even some friends, but we are all different, have different voices, different inspirations, way so of looking at things, and that is what th tapestry of life is truly about. Freely, sharing our own talents and appreciating ours and others in this wonderous world we live in. Anyway, here are the suggestions: I do a couple of them already...
Begin writing your life story... There is no doubt that you would have life lessons to share that perhaps you aren't consciously aware of. There are several approaches you can take, even if you don't consider yourself a "writer"...
Write a short story about yourself in the third person, making yourself the heroine of the amazing adventure that has been your life so far;
Write short journal entries before you go to sleep every night, focussing on the "best thing that happened to me today";
Release any residual pain surrounding old injuries by rewriting the story with a new outcome;
Start a gratitude journal and record every little thing that makes you go mmmmmm.
Begin writing your life story... There is no doubt that you would have life lessons to share that perhaps you aren't consciously aware of. There are several approaches you can take, even if you don't consider yourself a "writer"...
Write a short story about yourself in the third person, making yourself the heroine of the amazing adventure that has been your life so far;
Write short journal entries before you go to sleep every night, focussing on the "best thing that happened to me today";
Release any residual pain surrounding old injuries by rewriting the story with a new outcome;
Start a gratitude journal and record every little thing that makes you go mmmmmm.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Adventures In Brush Prairie Washington
I am still assimilating my day. A thousand clarity moments happened for me, things that I have not dealt with in a long time. My minds been muted by the chaos that’s been around me. The last four years have been a slurry of events, emotional roller coaster rides, beginning with the diagnosis of my dads colon cancer in December. Then in February the same day my dad had his first chemo treatment, Rick suddenly passed away. Then catapulted from there to where I am now. The reason this all is coming back to me now, is my new position with Georgia. A woman who is passing away from ovarian cancer, and watching her mate of 5 years, struggling with that assessment. The realization that she is not going to be around much longer. She is already not eating, which is the first step of dying. I know this all too well. Dying started for me at age 13, with my real mother, and I have been dealing with it ever since. Like my sister Vickie, who helped one of her neighbors pass on in this world from colon cancer, I too draw people who are dying to my door step. This bugs me, because well, I don’t like watching all the angst that is associated with death. The mourning, the anger, the frustration of the people who are being left behind. Though, from my experience, you can move on and hold in your soul the memory of the essence of that person. The lessons, the love, the serenity, the sweet moments that you shared in your life with that person. Even the shitty parts that at the moment don’t feel great, in the end, really do matter. They shape the soul you become. No one is a mountain, standing alone, we are all beings of one essence. The source of life that also produces death. I felt Georgia’s loss of dignity of herself today. When she expressed to me, I am so embarrassed, because she needed help with a bath. I said, everyone needs help eventually and you are not less of a person because of this. That moment, put me into the reality of the rhythm of life. How kindness and compassion is essential in life. Expressing those things is difficult and you have to use wisdom and intuition from the source of God to show you what the steps are to take in matters. This day, set a synchronicity of moments that guided me. I opened my heart and soul to receiving those messages. Opening my minds eye and my souls eye to the signs that were around me.
Georgia lives on a piece of land, with 5 cows. Here are some pictures of it, I felt calm, at peace looking around me. It’s beauty overwhelmed me with desire of land of my own someday. I am taking the suggestions of today and creating that woman that I know that I am. I am setting off on the greatest journey that I will ever be on. The journey is me. And it starts with a single step and I already started it thirty three years ago, when I was blessed enough to be born.
They had a lot of birdhouses everywhere.
The shapes of these trees new the water spot fascinated me. I liked their shape.
Picture of the land.
The cows watering spot, I didn't see any cows though.
The gate to the pasture, where the cows hang out.
Georgia lives on a piece of land, with 5 cows. Here are some pictures of it, I felt calm, at peace looking around me. It’s beauty overwhelmed me with desire of land of my own someday. I am taking the suggestions of today and creating that woman that I know that I am. I am setting off on the greatest journey that I will ever be on. The journey is me. And it starts with a single step and I already started it thirty three years ago, when I was blessed enough to be born.
They had a lot of birdhouses everywhere.
The shapes of these trees new the water spot fascinated me. I liked their shape.
Picture of the land.
The cows watering spot, I didn't see any cows though.
The gate to the pasture, where the cows hang out.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Dedicated
I found this poem written by Maya Angelou in her book "Celebrations". I read this poem twice and it made me think of my dad who passed away on September 24th, 2006 and Rick a friend and companion of mine for 10 years of my life on February 18th, 2004.
When Great Trees Fall:
When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety.
When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.
When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We breathe briefly. Our eyes, briefly, see with hurtful clarity. Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid, promised walks never taken.
Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our souls, dependent upon their nurture, now shrink, wizened. Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance, fall away. We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold caves.
And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregulary. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.
When Great Trees Fall:
When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety.
When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.
When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We breathe briefly. Our eyes, briefly, see with hurtful clarity. Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid, promised walks never taken.
Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our souls, dependent upon their nurture, now shrink, wizened. Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance, fall away. We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold caves.
And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregulary. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Forty
I woke with a question on my mind, “Jamie, what do you want to accomplish by the time you are forty?” I have no idea where this question came from, maybe my soul’s trying to get me to commit to a plan. Whether, I want to admit it or not, I’ve been mindlessly going from one chaotic episode to another. It’s time to think and make a plan.
I want to be financially fit.
I want to be 160 pounds.
I want to have a home that is peaceful and serene.
I want to meet someone that possess the qualities that I want in that special someone. Someone who is not a game player, who can love unconditionally, and who I can do the same.
I want to have a career that I love.
I believe, 2008 is my year. Since September, when I got my job, things have slowly improved. I am truly grateful for the ups and downs that I experienced, because they happened for a reason.
I am having a hard time in the weight issue, staying on track, doing the exercises that I know I must do, and well, eating properly. I’ve noticed some triggers, recently, who instigate the eating binges. Being mindful during those moments becomes difficult, and I have cracked a few times. I have not gained, but I am not losing much either.
Being lazy in life and not trying seems so much easier, but is it really. Either way, when you let things go, you seem to have to do a lot more to get it all balanced out again. Maybe it is the winter months, maybe it is the 4 year anniversary since Ricks passing, maybe I’m finally coming out of my cocoon and emerging out into the light. I’m weak, but I am strong at the same time. What a contradiction! I am building up the blocks to reform a foundation that’s been broken into stubble for a long time. Seriously, I have been thinking that I have lived on other peoples foundations, and they are not my own. I’m doing Creative Change with Joy, my sister, it’s a plan we’ve cooked up ourselves. We started in January, we both realized change needs to happen or we could lose our sanity. The definition of being insane is trying something over and over and expecting different results. I don’t want to be that way, not anymore. So, stopping that insane route and charting a new map, my atlas, spirit, intuition, nature, love, peace, and hope. I have found a couple of valuable tools, one I spoke about previously. Caroline Myss’ book “Entering The Castle”,, which I recommend to anyone who is committed to the healing of their own spirit and becoming more real with themselves.
What truly inspired me to start this new beginning, “The Art Of Power” by Thich Naht Hanh, I started reading it in December. Before that, Joy and I were talking about 2008 and charting a new destiny for ourselves. I am noticing synchronicity all around me. Joy, going down this path with me, who is a close sister friend, whom I can talk to about anything, my job, and seeing my strength and capabilities.
Since September, when I made a big step, in getting a job, things have slowly, progressively gotten better. I have made some slip ups with my finances, but they didn’t destroy me. The last 3 years have been a series of turbulent ups and downs, triumphant joys and catastrophic lows, all things to help me appreciate what I have. I’ve gained new perspective on where I want my life to go and I learned who I can trust during this process and who I can’t. All elements in guiding me to my authentic self. I am learning to love who I am and trusting my own instincts. All blessings.
I want to be financially fit.
I want to be 160 pounds.
I want to have a home that is peaceful and serene.
I want to meet someone that possess the qualities that I want in that special someone. Someone who is not a game player, who can love unconditionally, and who I can do the same.
I want to have a career that I love.
I believe, 2008 is my year. Since September, when I got my job, things have slowly improved. I am truly grateful for the ups and downs that I experienced, because they happened for a reason.
I am having a hard time in the weight issue, staying on track, doing the exercises that I know I must do, and well, eating properly. I’ve noticed some triggers, recently, who instigate the eating binges. Being mindful during those moments becomes difficult, and I have cracked a few times. I have not gained, but I am not losing much either.
Being lazy in life and not trying seems so much easier, but is it really. Either way, when you let things go, you seem to have to do a lot more to get it all balanced out again. Maybe it is the winter months, maybe it is the 4 year anniversary since Ricks passing, maybe I’m finally coming out of my cocoon and emerging out into the light. I’m weak, but I am strong at the same time. What a contradiction! I am building up the blocks to reform a foundation that’s been broken into stubble for a long time. Seriously, I have been thinking that I have lived on other peoples foundations, and they are not my own. I’m doing Creative Change with Joy, my sister, it’s a plan we’ve cooked up ourselves. We started in January, we both realized change needs to happen or we could lose our sanity. The definition of being insane is trying something over and over and expecting different results. I don’t want to be that way, not anymore. So, stopping that insane route and charting a new map, my atlas, spirit, intuition, nature, love, peace, and hope. I have found a couple of valuable tools, one I spoke about previously. Caroline Myss’ book “Entering The Castle”,, which I recommend to anyone who is committed to the healing of their own spirit and becoming more real with themselves.
What truly inspired me to start this new beginning, “The Art Of Power” by Thich Naht Hanh, I started reading it in December. Before that, Joy and I were talking about 2008 and charting a new destiny for ourselves. I am noticing synchronicity all around me. Joy, going down this path with me, who is a close sister friend, whom I can talk to about anything, my job, and seeing my strength and capabilities.
Since September, when I made a big step, in getting a job, things have slowly, progressively gotten better. I have made some slip ups with my finances, but they didn’t destroy me. The last 3 years have been a series of turbulent ups and downs, triumphant joys and catastrophic lows, all things to help me appreciate what I have. I’ve gained new perspective on where I want my life to go and I learned who I can trust during this process and who I can’t. All elements in guiding me to my authentic self. I am learning to love who I am and trusting my own instincts. All blessings.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Reptiles
Finally! I am feeling a bit more energetic. I decided that a change needed to be executed in my life, back in September/October. I talked to my sister/friend Joy and we devised a plan to keep each other in check and to encourage each other. She got gun hoed and started on her environment, I’ve been stagnating in mine. I have these great plans and desires that I want to fulfill before I die and I haven’t done much of them. I feel like I have let myself down in a lot of ways. Commitment is a big thing to me, why is it so much easier for me to commit to someone else and keep it, but when it comes to me I can’t? This plaques me, and something I want to change. I have heard it takes a good month to two months to change old habits, but it is difficult to get to that point.
Especially, when out of the blue the obstacle that you’re healing from is back. Standing like Count Dracula ready to suck the life from your body. I’ve been reading “The Historian” written by Elizabeth Kostova. LOL I know this obstacle doesn’t want to suck the life from me, and does have he’s own responsibilities. I accomplished a lot during the almost 3 months since we departed as friends and I don’t want to go back to where I was in that relationship. I see the truth of what our relationship is or was, he does not care about me, as I do him. Though that realization hurts more than I want it to, it is still the truth starring me directly in the face. I have to face this deadly truth, if I don’t my life energy will be drawn from me with the perversions that flood my mind.
I’ve been reading some great books, so I haven’t been completely idle in my pursuits, or letting my mind poison my souls journey. I just haven’t been doing any of the physical stuff, except for my job. I’ve been feeling apathy lately. I believe it is my soul telling me that I need to contemplate, and move on from situations that I have no control over. Who really has control over ever aspect of their live? The people always do something unexpected, whether it is good or bad or if it disrupts your schedule, it happens, am I too get mad at them for being themselves or am I suppose to look at these rocks on my road as blessings in humility. In Myss’ book “Entering The Castle” the first room in the first mansion deals with Humility. She asks you to figure out what humiliated you in your past, not your mind, but your soul. I found some dark demons or reptiles, (as Myss calls them) starring me in the face. I started the first room last night. It brought up some repressed feelings about my mother, Rick, The Coons, Vickie, Ricky, and Monte that I stored away in that room, apparently. It knocked me off the balance kilter that I built for myself, and I had to sit the book down to regain my emotions. I almost cried when I read it, meditated on it, and now I am facing those feelings, long ago hidden in the room. I stuff my feelings, I always have and then suddenly something triggers an emotional outburst that drives me to insane measures that I beat my family and friends with. This overwhelming need for security. I felt that last night. I sat the book down, took a hot bath, and I wrote and let the memories that needed to come out, come out. I am surmising that Myss’ book and the small chapters is not a quick read, but one that you read and contemplate on for awhile before you move on to the next room. It is a book worth working through and owning. Though, something surprising happened today to my spirit. I got off my duff and started some needed work to my own environment. I feel like a bit of light is shining through and giving me a clearer vision of what it is I truly need to work on. I am worthy of the decision that I made in October, nine months without developing a relationship with a man again and opening up the windows to my heart and soul. I knew then, that I needed to work on some interior things. Though the people around me probably will not see it or even acknowledge it, I am doing this for me… Which is a big step… I am facing the reptiles and I am going to deal with them one at a time…
Especially, when out of the blue the obstacle that you’re healing from is back. Standing like Count Dracula ready to suck the life from your body. I’ve been reading “The Historian” written by Elizabeth Kostova. LOL I know this obstacle doesn’t want to suck the life from me, and does have he’s own responsibilities. I accomplished a lot during the almost 3 months since we departed as friends and I don’t want to go back to where I was in that relationship. I see the truth of what our relationship is or was, he does not care about me, as I do him. Though that realization hurts more than I want it to, it is still the truth starring me directly in the face. I have to face this deadly truth, if I don’t my life energy will be drawn from me with the perversions that flood my mind.
I’ve been reading some great books, so I haven’t been completely idle in my pursuits, or letting my mind poison my souls journey. I just haven’t been doing any of the physical stuff, except for my job. I’ve been feeling apathy lately. I believe it is my soul telling me that I need to contemplate, and move on from situations that I have no control over. Who really has control over ever aspect of their live? The people always do something unexpected, whether it is good or bad or if it disrupts your schedule, it happens, am I too get mad at them for being themselves or am I suppose to look at these rocks on my road as blessings in humility. In Myss’ book “Entering The Castle” the first room in the first mansion deals with Humility. She asks you to figure out what humiliated you in your past, not your mind, but your soul. I found some dark demons or reptiles, (as Myss calls them) starring me in the face. I started the first room last night. It brought up some repressed feelings about my mother, Rick, The Coons, Vickie, Ricky, and Monte that I stored away in that room, apparently. It knocked me off the balance kilter that I built for myself, and I had to sit the book down to regain my emotions. I almost cried when I read it, meditated on it, and now I am facing those feelings, long ago hidden in the room. I stuff my feelings, I always have and then suddenly something triggers an emotional outburst that drives me to insane measures that I beat my family and friends with. This overwhelming need for security. I felt that last night. I sat the book down, took a hot bath, and I wrote and let the memories that needed to come out, come out. I am surmising that Myss’ book and the small chapters is not a quick read, but one that you read and contemplate on for awhile before you move on to the next room. It is a book worth working through and owning. Though, something surprising happened today to my spirit. I got off my duff and started some needed work to my own environment. I feel like a bit of light is shining through and giving me a clearer vision of what it is I truly need to work on. I am worthy of the decision that I made in October, nine months without developing a relationship with a man again and opening up the windows to my heart and soul. I knew then, that I needed to work on some interior things. Though the people around me probably will not see it or even acknowledge it, I am doing this for me… Which is a big step… I am facing the reptiles and I am going to deal with them one at a time…
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