Forty

I woke with a question on my mind, “Jamie, what do you want to accomplish by the time you are forty?” I have no idea where this question came from, maybe my soul’s trying to get me to commit to a plan. Whether, I want to admit it or not, I’ve been mindlessly going from one chaotic episode to another. It’s time to think and make a plan.
I want to be financially fit.
I want to be 160 pounds.
I want to have a home that is peaceful and serene.
I want to meet someone that possess the qualities that I want in that special someone. Someone who is not a game player, who can love unconditionally, and who I can do the same.
I want to have a career that I love.
I believe, 2008 is my year. Since September, when I got my job, things have slowly improved. I am truly grateful for the ups and downs that I experienced, because they happened for a reason.
I am having a hard time in the weight issue, staying on track, doing the exercises that I know I must do, and well, eating properly. I’ve noticed some triggers, recently, who instigate the eating binges. Being mindful during those moments becomes difficult, and I have cracked a few times. I have not gained, but I am not losing much either.
Being lazy in life and not trying seems so much easier, but is it really. Either way, when you let things go, you seem to have to do a lot more to get it all balanced out again. Maybe it is the winter months, maybe it is the 4 year anniversary since Ricks passing, maybe I’m finally coming out of my cocoon and emerging out into the light. I’m weak, but I am strong at the same time. What a contradiction! I am building up the blocks to reform a foundation that’s been broken into stubble for a long time. Seriously, I have been thinking that I have lived on other peoples foundations, and they are not my own. I’m doing Creative Change with Joy, my sister, it’s a plan we’ve cooked up ourselves. We started in January, we both realized change needs to happen or we could lose our sanity. The definition of being insane is trying something over and over and expecting different results. I don’t want to be that way, not anymore. So, stopping that insane route and charting a new map, my atlas, spirit, intuition, nature, love, peace, and hope. I have found a couple of valuable tools, one I spoke about previously. Caroline Myss’ book “Entering The Castle”,, which I recommend to anyone who is committed to the healing of their own spirit and becoming more real with themselves.
What truly inspired me to start this new beginning, “The Art Of Power” by Thich Naht Hanh, I started reading it in December. Before that, Joy and I were talking about 2008 and charting a new destiny for ourselves. I am noticing synchronicity all around me. Joy, going down this path with me, who is a close sister friend, whom I can talk to about anything, my job, and seeing my strength and capabilities.
Since September, when I made a big step, in getting a job, things have slowly, progressively gotten better. I have made some slip ups with my finances, but they didn’t destroy me. The last 3 years have been a series of turbulent ups and downs, triumphant joys and catastrophic lows, all things to help me appreciate what I have. I’ve gained new perspective on where I want my life to go and I learned who I can trust during this process and who I can’t. All elements in guiding me to my authentic self. I am learning to love who I am and trusting my own instincts. All blessings.