Reptiles

Finally! I am feeling a bit more energetic. I decided that a change needed to be executed in my life, back in September/October. I talked to my sister/friend Joy and we devised a plan to keep each other in check and to encourage each other. She got gun hoed and started on her environment, I’ve been stagnating in mine. I have these great plans and desires that I want to fulfill before I die and I haven’t done much of them. I feel like I have let myself down in a lot of ways. Commitment is a big thing to me, why is it so much easier for me to commit to someone else and keep it, but when it comes to me I can’t? This plaques me, and something I want to change. I have heard it takes a good month to two months to change old habits, but it is difficult to get to that point.
Especially, when out of the blue the obstacle that you’re healing from is back. Standing like Count Dracula ready to suck the life from your body. I’ve been reading “The Historian” written by Elizabeth Kostova. LOL I know this obstacle doesn’t want to suck the life from me, and does have he’s own responsibilities. I accomplished a lot during the almost 3 months since we departed as friends and I don’t want to go back to where I was in that relationship. I see the truth of what our relationship is or was, he does not care about me, as I do him. Though that realization hurts more than I want it to, it is still the truth starring me directly in the face. I have to face this deadly truth, if I don’t my life energy will be drawn from me with the perversions that flood my mind.
I’ve been reading some great books, so I haven’t been completely idle in my pursuits, or letting my mind poison my souls journey. I just haven’t been doing any of the physical stuff, except for my job. I’ve been feeling apathy lately. I believe it is my soul telling me that I need to contemplate, and move on from situations that I have no control over. Who really has control over ever aspect of their live? The people always do something unexpected, whether it is good or bad or if it disrupts your schedule, it happens, am I too get mad at them for being themselves or am I suppose to look at these rocks on my road as blessings in humility. In Myss’ book “Entering The Castle” the first room in the first mansion deals with Humility. She asks you to figure out what humiliated you in your past, not your mind, but your soul. I found some dark demons or reptiles, (as Myss calls them) starring me in the face. I started the first room last night. It brought up some repressed feelings about my mother, Rick, The Coons, Vickie, Ricky, and Monte that I stored away in that room, apparently. It knocked me off the balance kilter that I built for myself, and I had to sit the book down to regain my emotions. I almost cried when I read it, meditated on it, and now I am facing those feelings, long ago hidden in the room. I stuff my feelings, I always have and then suddenly something triggers an emotional outburst that drives me to insane measures that I beat my family and friends with. This overwhelming need for security. I felt that last night. I sat the book down, took a hot bath, and I wrote and let the memories that needed to come out, come out. I am surmising that Myss’ book and the small chapters is not a quick read, but one that you read and contemplate on for awhile before you move on to the next room. It is a book worth working through and owning. Though, something surprising happened today to my spirit. I got off my duff and started some needed work to my own environment. I feel like a bit of light is shining through and giving me a clearer vision of what it is I truly need to work on. I am worthy of the decision that I made in October, nine months without developing a relationship with a man again and opening up the windows to my heart and soul. I knew then, that I needed to work on some interior things. Though the people around me probably will not see it or even acknowledge it, I am doing this for me… Which is a big step… I am facing the reptiles and I am going to deal with them one at a time…