Reality struck me in the head, leaving a mark on me that is not going to go away unless I do something about it. I set out with major goals at the end of April and here I am, I feel like I am losing my mind. This negative self talk, mainly in my mothers voice, coming in to haunt me. My dreams tell me something different, showing me the light of the situation. There are hands out here wanting to help me accomplish what it is to be me. I do not want to live in denialville any longer. I know that for sure.
I cannot live in the lies that I make for myself any longer, or depend on someone else to be my everything. I find myself doing the exact same thing that ran him off last time, our relationship is on shaky ground already. I can feel the tension between us, but I can also feel the love and care he feels for me. He is a good friend, moody, but a good friend. I care a lot about him. We have been through so much together. These problems I have, long before I even met him, are mine to deal with. It is unfair to burden him with my bullshit and he is sick and tired of talking about our friendship and our many problems. I am sick of it too. I am choosing to end that right now. I have to focus on myself, the things I want, my hopes, dreams, desires, happiness, and get out of this rut that I am in. I do not want to be here any longer. I do not like myself any more.
I had a dream a few weeks back, I was climbing a mountain, Monte, Amber, Vickie, Linda, and several others were already on top, waiting for me to get there. Amber, Linda, and the others were not paying attention to me, but Monte was looking at me, offering me his hand to help me up where he was. He said you can do it, I know you can, I believe in you, I felt like I was going to fall and I did not. Then all of a sudden I morphed and I was looking at myself in a mirror, the face did not belong to me. Looking at it, it began to look mean, evil, cruel, and then it suddenly started to bleed.
Talking about the dream today, I realized what it meant, what it symbolizes. I am a true believer that dreams are tellers, they can help you solves problems in your lives. I know mine have. The meaning in this dream, is that I have been stuck on the side of this mountain and I am almost to the top of it, and I only have a small bit to go. The fears, self doubt, and insecurities in my head are paralyzing me to the point where I am going crazy. There are key people in my life who would be so happy that I made it, that I am finally myself, free to do what I want, need, and found my happiness. These people also are tired of me leaning on them constantly having them tell me who I am and bitching about this same thing over and over again. They are also tired of me doubting their love, care, and tenderness for me. They do not want me to make them feel guilty, manipulating them into being my friend, entertaining me, and being my constant companion. I saw this today, I am making a conscious choice to change that right now, before I lose anymore.
What can I do to get out from under the black rock that is crushing me into tiny little pieces, will the pieces be put back together? Can they be, is the more logical question? I have goals, here they are from when I typed them out in April.
Goal 1~~~ I want to lose the 135 pounds I have left to lose, I intend to do this by eating more vegetables, which I have not been doing. Exercising by using my balance ball, walking around town, on hikes, and such.Goal 2~~~ I want to stop using food as an emotional crutch, a savior for my pain or because I am bored. I intend to do this by getting out more, by exploring my town, the museums, the beach, visiting friends or family, gardening, cleaning, reading, writing, or whatever comes to mind.Goal 3~~~ I want to change how I deal with the things in my life, value me, express myself to others in my life. Not give everything I have away to others, including my emotions, my values, my personality, my money, my things, or my time. I want to be in charge of who I am. I intend to do this by taking time to explore the things that I like, and things that are new to me.Goal 4~~~ I want to stop relying on someone else to show me who I am or making me feel like I am real. I plan on doing this goal by spending time learning what I want, what I like, or what my goals are through reading, writing, exploring, and accepting the criticism that people have and accepting their advice and opinions.
Goal 5~~~ Volunteer at some place to get more experience…
I have been procrastinating on goals 3, 4, and 5. Either that or I have been living in denial land for awhile when it comes to those things. I think it is that I have been living in denial land for a long time, and it is easy to go back into the land of denial, bitching, and sobbing my way through a hopeless existence. I am making myself miserable with this rut that I am in. I am deciding today, I am going to get these things that I want. I am not going to be in denial in how things are and I am not going to sit around waiting for life to just happen. I do have to make an effort, I have to make a start. I cannot cling to the people who are in my life and expect them to live my life for me, tell me who I am, make choices for me. I have a voice. I want to use it. I am going to exercise my voice and let my voice be heard.
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