Why?

Why am I so afraid to tell people who care about me what is going with me? That I am miserable, unhappy, that things do not always work out as I have hoped, things have to be postponed, etc……… I hate disappointing people, why is that? Why do I feel like I have to make a production out of something that is so simple, that I just have to state it out right? Things are difficult for me right now, after my breakdown in March, where I lost it, depending on someone to make me happy. I cannot live that way again, I did that far too long already. Why is it so easy to go back to where you do not want to be?
I am feeling overwhelmed, anxious, alone, and sad. The two years since Rick’s death and I feel that I have not accomplished a thing. I wanted a life, I did not have a life with Rick. I got used to staying at home, doing nothing, slowly dying myself. Why did I do that to myself? Now, I am having a hard time with getting my own life, so I grab onto anyone that will let me. I feel alone, I tell others that is what I want, to be alone. In reality, I do not wish to be that. I just do not know how to reach out and let someone near me. It scares me to death. I met a friend that I feel a connection with, I feel I have destroyed the relationship, because of my ways. I care about him a lot, we have talked about a lot of things with each other, he was there when no one else was, during the anniversary of Ricks passing. I missed him the few times he told me to fuck off, because I was harassing him. I do not want to do that again. I find myself in the same predicament as before. It scares me to think that I am going to lose his friendship or any of the great people I know in my life. I feel like I have to bribe them to be around me, to like me, yet, I do not want that at all. It makes me feel like no one is truly a friend that way. I have to stop anyways, if I keep giving everything I have away, including me, what do I have left. I cannot give it away any longer, I am at the end of the line. I am closer to the end than I think any one realizes. I have kept a lot of the things that I am experiencing to myself. I do not know how to open up, speak out, and let me flow. I am still cooped up in the past life that I lived in Longview. The muck, the mire, the shit, that was my existence is gone, but is it really? It does not feel like it is at times.
Rick and I lived a lonely, bitter existence in Longview. His bitterness towards life, wore on me, I have been noticing that I have taken up some of his actions. I am not happy about that, I am having a hard time trusting and I find myself being manipulative, angry, frustrated, hurt, and irrational. I have not felt any of things ever before and I do not like it. I do not like bullshit and I feel that I am feeding it to people. If it keeps up, no one will want me around and I rather like some of the people in my life. I need to change some of this aspects, but I am at a lost to how or even what to change.
As you can probably tell, I have had a lot of things on my mind. It is tiresome and it does not get me anywhere. I have so much to change and I do not even know where to begin or even how to start. That is my dilemma……