Green

I've been sick the last few days. Thankfully, I am starting to feel better... I took this photograph at the public library two weeks ago. I absolutely love trees...

Learning To Fly

Went to the library today with Jessica and Micah. I didn’t actually go into the library, but I did enjoy sitting outside looking at the pretty trees and flowers. I wanted to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air, and do something different than what I’ve been doing. I got my camera out and start snapping photographs, something I love to do. Still breaking out of my funk, and learning to fly. I listened to Tom Petty last night, the song “Learning To Fly” resonated deep within my soul. So much so, that I have chosen it to be my call tone, so when someone calls me that’s what they’ll hear. That's what's on my mind...

Learning To Fly
Tom Petty
Greatest Hits

Well I started out down a dirty road
Start out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I’ve started out for God knows where
I guess I’ll know when I get there

I’m learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must come down.

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Boy, Does That Taste Good!

This is Baby Girl, the newest edition to Ric and Jessica's family. I needed to laugh, and this photo made me laugh...

Sewing Or Sowing...

I decided that I needed to get out of my funky mood, so I went to Joanne’s craft store with Jessica today. I got a new cross stitch project. I am doing a small pattern on pillow cases, butterflies, daisies, and ferns, in colors of white, peach, and shades of green, beautiful. I got all the threads organized, wrapped around the plastic holders, ready for me to start stitching. While handling the colorful threads, I started seeing some things. At first, I was mindlessly wrapping the thread around the pearl white holder, then suddenly thoughts of where my life is heading came to me. Somehow, I have ended up back at the beginning of my life, the stitches have unraveled, and now, a clean slate lays before. I still have some of the holes left where previous stitches have gone before, but do I even want to go back into that same hole, or do I want to make another pattern.? I want another pattern. I want my life to go into another direction, and I want whole new thread.
I believe, that my funks, or depression, whatever you call it, happens when someone finally gets tired of the mucky, chunky diaherra of their lives and the soul is speaking to them. My soul’s talking to me. I am listening. I do believe in what the bible, and other books say, “you sow what you reap” and “Karma”. So, with this new cross stitch project, and other projects that I want to accomplish, I am making a new pattern for my life. I do know, despite my negative thoughts, I do have several people who do love me, they just don’t show it in the way I can see it now, maybe soon I’ll be able to see it better…

Pocket Full Of Sunshine.

This song says how I am feeling... I just added my photo to it.


"Pocketful Of Sunshine"

[Interlude]
I got a pocket,
got a pocket full of sunshine
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine
oh.oh,oh
Do what you want,
but you're never gonna break me,
sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
oh,oh,oh

[Chorus]
Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)

[Interlude]

I got pocket,
Got a pocket full of sunshine
I've got a love and I know that it's all mine
oh,oh,oh

Wish that you could,
but you ain't gonna own me
do anything you can to control me
oh,oh,oh

[Chorus]

[Hook]
There's a place that I go
That nobody knows
Where the rivers flow
And I call it home
And there's no more lies
And the darkness is light
And nobody cries
there's only butterflies

[Chorus 2x]

[Chorus & Interlude]

The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be alright

The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be alright

Journey To Self

Watching the chick flicks, “The Holiday” and “Sex And The City, The Movie”, I kept wondering what the heck is wrong with me. These romances, searching for the prince that’ll sweep you off your feet, a relationship, that’s full of love, trust, and issues, and here I am not evening willing to chance it. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of these movies and other romantic movies, just that I have always thought it would never happen to me. Somehow, ingrained in my mind, heart, and soul were the words from my sister, mom, and a few others, that you will never attract a man, or be relationship material. I thought I was lucky that I had a ten year relationship, but when he died, I thought that was it. I have signed up for some dating sites, but only at the urging of my friends. I don’t feel satisfied, I feel creepy about the whole process of advertising yourself, putting the make-up and having those sexy photos on there to attract a man. I still have issues with the whole process. Yet, deep down inside, where I hide a lot of things, I do have the desire of a relationship, that’s different than I have ever had, but the fear, the shame, the whole humiliating process of finding him makes me run and hide under my blankets. I keep deluding myself into thinking that I have to do some major changing before that’ll ever happen. That I have to be perfect, that the gross, stinky mess that my life’s in has to be completely abolish before I even start. I have reverted too far the other way, to where, I purposely hide from people, men, women, the romance, so I don’t have to deal with the painful rejection, or even have to work at all, saying to myself and to others that I am perfectly happy alone, am I really? No, that’s a big fat lie. I do like to spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation, but I also enjoy the company of people who make me laugh, that I can have deep spiritual and intellectual talks about many different subjects with. So, at the age of 35, I am forging a new path of self discovery, but the thing is, this path is not new. It’s the one I started in 2004 when Rick died and all these new and exciting experiences started happening for me. I have had some key people in my life who have shinned their beacon of knowledge on me, that I still hold in high esteem. Yet, a lot of these relationships are changing, hopefully to something better.
I am in a moment of asking questions to the universe. What’s my purpose? Who can I trust? Where do I want to go? Some of the questions roaming around in my old noggin. In my dreams, I have gotten some answers, some of them have been complete surprises coming out of nowhere, and some I have already known. Yet, I possess this lazy, unmotivated, hard headed chick who says screw this, I’m going to travel down this path, even if I totally destroy myself. That’s the part of me I want to shut up.
As I sit here, in my pajamas, propped up by pillows on my bed, gazing out the window at a big evergreen tree and mass vines of blackberry bushes and morning glories, I am beginning to ponder many things in my life. The people, the places I’ve been, and my role in this universe. I only know one thing for sure, that some part of me is waiting for the big fireworks to tap me on the shoulder and guide me to where I am meant to be and where I actually have some peace of mind and happiness. That’s just another Jamie fantasy, this divine being guiding me to where I need to be, to where I am to be blissfully happy, all knowing, all glowing with the joyfulness of finally figuring out the great cosmic universe. Yeah right, that’s every going to happen. Scientist can’t even say they know the whole universe of life and what exactly happen, that’s why they argue about it. Maybe that’s just it, I’m going to have to accept that I am not going to know anything more until it’s ready to be revealed to me. Ugh! I don’t like that at all, what can I do about I? Nothing, it’s going to happen whether I want it to or not.
Can you tell, that I am seconding guessing my thoughts, feelings, passions, goals, you name it, I am probably doing it. I admit to the public and to myself that I have a major problem with follow thru, finding and keeping my motivation, and most importantly losing the real perspective of life. I am so good at seeing it for everyone else, when it comes to me, I have the blinders on.
Perhaps, the question what happens now? Do I keep whining, do I perhaps stay stuck in an unhealthy situation? Or do I follow the knowledge and wisdom that my dreams tell me? To be continued as this enlightening journey leads me…

Library

The Longview Public Library... I love the way the tree leaves cover the brick building.

Give

With the fear of losing my photographs on my computer, I have saved them all onto a DVD-R. It took a good 30 minutes to accomplish this goal. I had 6 g’s of photos on the disc when it was all finished. I chose to do this after not having my computer for a couple of months, because I thought the plug part on the computer was fried, turned out to be the cord, thankfully. I am happy to be back on the computer, to have my music, my photographs, and to be back on the net. Now that I have my computer, now I am on a quest to make a sanctuary for myself in the room, I have been given.
I am hoping to get my stuff out of storage this weekend and to unpack some of my items and then maybe I might feel like I am home, instead of this feeling of discontent. I am adding a collection of photos that I’ve taken the last couple months of not having my computer.

Cross Stitching Adventure

Jessica, my niece in law encouraged me to try cross stitching, because she's working on this beautiful fairy. She had this pillow case pattern that she found at the thriftstore, so I started with that. There weren't any directions, so, I got to choose the colors. Jessica showed me the stitch, which wasn't that difficult at all. I actually enjoyed doing it. While watching movies, 'Rose Red", "Stargate", "The Sixth Sense", and "She-Devil", I cross stitched this pillow case. I ended up giving it to my sister/friend Joy. She can sew it into anything she wants to. She's creative in that way...
I have decided to expand my creative adventures a bit. I have not started another project, but I have been drooling over this cross stitch pattern book that Jessica has, so an idea is coming along. Right now, the biggest creative endeavor I'm going to be doing is getting my small room organized, and decorated the way I want it to be. I got some major ideas and plans to accomplish my the fall...

Such A Long Time

I have been away for a long time. My computer's cord decided not to work and finally I had the time to call HP for a replacement. Now, I'm back.

Several changes have accured since my move back to Longview. First, my friend Amber got married this Monday and is now moving to Idaho. I'm excited, but deeply sad by this. Then there's the changes with my friendship with Monte too. And then dealing with the social dynamics of Rick and Jessica. I love them all, I want more. I do realize, that maybe it's me who has to do some changing. I am an introvert, I don't like sharing my thoughts, concerns, fears, especially with my family. I feel ashamed, humiliation, you can just imagine the spectrum of emotions. I have a long journey that's awaiting me.