Starbucks An Old Friend, And Self Evauluation

I met with an old friend that I have not seen in many years, Sarah. I enjoyed our visit. My nerves were jumping up and down waiting to met up with her at Starbucks, she and I were never that close of friends. I did admire her from afar. We both got awake tea, she crochet while we visited.
I have a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly whats on my mind is where do I go from here. Everyone has ideas and opinions, usually, I would jump up and do whatever anyone would say that I needed to do. I am too exhausted to even think of doing that, each person in my life has an idea. I have been focusing on this one friendship for many years, up and down, all around it goes. I am on nauseating roller coaster ride that continues to be the same thing. I am so tired of it. How many times do you have to hear from someone they do not enjoy your company, you embarrass them in public, or whatever other cruel things they say to you? I am apparently not human in this persons eyes.
I am tired of being in an unhealthy relationship. I sometimes feel like I want to avoid having any type of relationship with anyone, but I know that is not the answer. I do need some time to myself, I feel in my heart that is the next step, I've been putting that off, like I've been putting off exercising, eating correctly, reading, writing, school, and so many other things that I can't think of them all.
So, after two weeks from the surgery and my near death experience, I'm once again waiting for the next step. I want to scream, wheres my next step universe. What the hell am I suppose to do now? My house shows the chaotic state that I am in now, I am one of those believers that believe the clutter demonstrates the state that you are in. Since I've moved into my apartment last August, I've been keeping it clean and organized, I've been slacking off on it since Monte, yep, that's the friend I am speaking about.
I am choosing to let all the painful communication go between us and concentrate on what I want for a change. I am going to figure that out. That truly is the next step. I cannot do what someone else expects me to do anymore. I've got to go about things in my own timing and way. Quoting my sister Vickie and my friend Sarah, "It is what it is". I am taking those words into my psyche.