Thoughts

I’m feeling better, the first two days of the New Year, I felt like a pile of you know what. It wasn’t because I was sick, it was the daunting task of this new project I am doing with my sister/friend Joy. We both need change and we decided to co-create our lives together. Sharing our secrets only with each other by another blog. It is a cool idea, I love it. I have my intentions, what I want my life to be like this year. I felt like I was building yet, another box for myself. I didn’t like that feeling. Once, I talked to Joy about it and we both decided that this is a revolving change, (circumstances, environment, or it just isn’t working) could change everything. I didn’t want to be stuck in this mode I made a commitment to myself and to Joy. I am big on commitment, I wanted that freedom to change my intentions in mid stream. Which, I did. I got some cool new books that I wanted to incorporate into my creative change and I also wanted to add a couple of things to my list. One of the big things I wanted to add was Monte. He is slowly coming back into my life and he is a dear, sweet friend, but I don’t want to go back to the way things have been, so I had to add that memorandum and I added more passion. I think the universe is listening to me and an interesting thing happened. An old friend I knew in high school, Carol contacted me via My Space and we have been writing each other messages for the last couple of weeks. She asked me an interesting question about my childhood and how I felt about my real mom. I felt nervous about answering it, not because I didn’t want to share, the fact is, I feel inadequate a lot of the time. It took me all but 30 minutes to think and to construct my response to her. I think it was the universe letting me know that I have made peace with my past, which, opened a lot of doorways. I’ve come from many backgrounds, maybe that is why I can see things from different perspectives. My early childhood, full of drama, pain, abuse from all the major things, molded me into this fire breathing woman, who doesn’t like clowns, even. The type of clowns that use violent behavior as a funny joke. Why laugh at other people’s misfortune, being hit in the face or set on fire, my opinion and I don’t judge or condemn someone else for liking that kind of thing. It isn’t my cup of tea. Then I lived with Vickie and her family for a time. She is my true blood sister and I love her a lot. She has survived, like I have. Her household was better, but not that much. I have nightmares of that home, but I felt extra protective of my nephew Rick, he is 3 years younger than I am and I am so proud of him. The accomplishments that he has made despite the malarkey he went through. Then I lived with the Coons from 14 until 19, then I moved out on my own. I’m grateful for all these experiences. I wouldn’t have gained the knowledge that I have now without them. It doesn’t mean that each home had a different type of adjustment period, or what I coin negativity, but each one was a step up from the other. I know at least with Vickie and the Coons they all love me and did their best. I met some awesome people during my time in Longview. Amber H., Amber S, Carol, and some that their names have escaped me. I made friends and I gained some sense of independence, but not fully. I think, that each home that I was in, the only thread that was common, was absolute control. My mom used violence, name calling, etc. Vickie used drama, neediness, and desperation and the Coons used guilt, manipulation, and religion to gain it. I’m not saying they are bad people. We are all human and we do things without realizing it. I have even done these things without knowing it. We are after all human. I have much love, respect, and understanding towards them. I have seen the progress that many of them have made and I am proud to call them my friends, as well, as my family. It is giving me a lot to contemplate and appreciate.