Tornado's Bring Blessings

Driving on I 5, thunder bolting from the sky. At first, I thought it was a shot gun going off. Then the rain, mixed with hail starting coming down from the sky. I barely made it home before the wind came blowing through. It was scary. I stood out on my porch to see what the heck was going on, I felt the hail pelting me, and I couldn’t see anything. The wind was strong. I thought, a TORNADO. Then, I went into the bathroom until I heard it was gone. The bathroom felt safe to me. Don’t ask me why, it just felt that way at the time. I have never been through a tornado before, they are rare in my region. Shingles, trees, and all sorts of things are flung around in my apartment building. My cable is out, the phone service is out too, I’m grateful I still have my electricity. That makes it better.

I wrote this during the moments after the tornado hit my home in Vancouver Washington on Thursday afternoon. I decided to spend the whole day relaxing. I read “Entering The Castle” by Caroline Myss, listened to music, watched Bridget Jones Diary, took a hot bath, and was completely contented without phone, internet, or TV. Yesterday, I when the phone came back on I discovered to my delight that several people called to see how I was doing. That opened u a vista to me, making realize that I do have a close nit of family and friends that are around me. It has opened up my eyes to my many blessings and I see things at a different perspective.

Thoughts

I’m feeling better, the first two days of the New Year, I felt like a pile of you know what. It wasn’t because I was sick, it was the daunting task of this new project I am doing with my sister/friend Joy. We both need change and we decided to co-create our lives together. Sharing our secrets only with each other by another blog. It is a cool idea, I love it. I have my intentions, what I want my life to be like this year. I felt like I was building yet, another box for myself. I didn’t like that feeling. Once, I talked to Joy about it and we both decided that this is a revolving change, (circumstances, environment, or it just isn’t working) could change everything. I didn’t want to be stuck in this mode I made a commitment to myself and to Joy. I am big on commitment, I wanted that freedom to change my intentions in mid stream. Which, I did. I got some cool new books that I wanted to incorporate into my creative change and I also wanted to add a couple of things to my list. One of the big things I wanted to add was Monte. He is slowly coming back into my life and he is a dear, sweet friend, but I don’t want to go back to the way things have been, so I had to add that memorandum and I added more passion. I think the universe is listening to me and an interesting thing happened. An old friend I knew in high school, Carol contacted me via My Space and we have been writing each other messages for the last couple of weeks. She asked me an interesting question about my childhood and how I felt about my real mom. I felt nervous about answering it, not because I didn’t want to share, the fact is, I feel inadequate a lot of the time. It took me all but 30 minutes to think and to construct my response to her. I think it was the universe letting me know that I have made peace with my past, which, opened a lot of doorways. I’ve come from many backgrounds, maybe that is why I can see things from different perspectives. My early childhood, full of drama, pain, abuse from all the major things, molded me into this fire breathing woman, who doesn’t like clowns, even. The type of clowns that use violent behavior as a funny joke. Why laugh at other people’s misfortune, being hit in the face or set on fire, my opinion and I don’t judge or condemn someone else for liking that kind of thing. It isn’t my cup of tea. Then I lived with Vickie and her family for a time. She is my true blood sister and I love her a lot. She has survived, like I have. Her household was better, but not that much. I have nightmares of that home, but I felt extra protective of my nephew Rick, he is 3 years younger than I am and I am so proud of him. The accomplishments that he has made despite the malarkey he went through. Then I lived with the Coons from 14 until 19, then I moved out on my own. I’m grateful for all these experiences. I wouldn’t have gained the knowledge that I have now without them. It doesn’t mean that each home had a different type of adjustment period, or what I coin negativity, but each one was a step up from the other. I know at least with Vickie and the Coons they all love me and did their best. I met some awesome people during my time in Longview. Amber H., Amber S, Carol, and some that their names have escaped me. I made friends and I gained some sense of independence, but not fully. I think, that each home that I was in, the only thread that was common, was absolute control. My mom used violence, name calling, etc. Vickie used drama, neediness, and desperation and the Coons used guilt, manipulation, and religion to gain it. I’m not saying they are bad people. We are all human and we do things without realizing it. I have even done these things without knowing it. We are after all human. I have much love, respect, and understanding towards them. I have seen the progress that many of them have made and I am proud to call them my friends, as well, as my family. It is giving me a lot to contemplate and appreciate.

Happy New Year!

This is the last day of 2007, man, a lot of revolutionary things have happened for me. And I want 2008 to be a year of transformation. I started a project with my sister/friend Joy called Creative Change, where we are both on a new journey. We will encourage, support, and share information, we both needs this. I am committed to it. I’m off to spend New Year’s with my family… Happy New Year!

Walking With A Friend

I went walking down by the water front in Vancouver this afternoon with my friend Amber this afternoon. It felt great. A lot of wonderful things are happening in my life and I feel change is coming. I decided not to fight it anymore. I am enjoying my new camera too. I took more, but I am teasing you with a few and maybe later on I'll post more. Enjoy...


My friend Amber...



The birds on top of the electric wires. I have always found it interesting that they can land on the wires and not get electracuted. Seeing them landing, reminded me of the old Alfred Hitchock movie starring Tippi Hendren, The Birds...

Whats On My Mind

I didn't feel like writing today, so I found this survey/meme thing on Myspace to do. Today, is a quiet day and I'm in pain. I woke up with my back hurting. I have no reason or explaination to why. It happens. I have had a lot on my mind lately and things are changing. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. Though, some of the changes have been great, some I'm not sure how to feel about. My mood may have something to do with all this rain and snow that we are experiencing here, or maybe it is having to do with a period in my life where I know that things must change. I have some choices to make. I feel like my feet are stuck in mud. I'm not sure how to get unstuck, all I know is that I will figure it out. It is a transition in my life...

WRITE EXACTLY WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND DON'T CHANGE IT

1. Your ex and You = glad it is dead and gone.

2. I am listening to = the keyboard, my thoughts in my head, and the wind.

3. Maybe I should = read my Thich Nhat Book, go to bed, and drink lots of water.

4. I love = my home, family, and friends.

5. My best friend(s) = I consider them family.

6. I don't understand = a lot of things, but I'm a student of life.

7. I have lost my respect for = many things.

8. I last ate = rice

9. The meaning of my display name is = it is my given name

10. God = I think of the Tori Amos song, she sums it up in her lyrics.

11. Someday = why even bother saying that, you are making excuses for not getting it done.

12. I will always be = learning.

13. Love seems = unconditional.

14. I never ever want to lose = car keys or my teeth.

15. My LiveJournal is = non existat.

17. I get annoyed when = people can't make up their minds and take forever.

18. Parties = can be fun.

20. Simple kisses = are nice.

21. Today I = watched tv and became a piece of broccoli. lol

22. I wish = that everyone knew how loved and valuable they were, including me.

The Joys Of Children

I am busy babysitting my friend Ambers' two wonderful children, Cullen and Duncan. They are easy going and well behaved rugrats. We played football on the play station. I don't do video games, but Duncan wanted me to, so I gave in. I have to say, I can see the fascination. Cullen, who is autistic, behaved well. I was nervous, but he knows me. I got to cuddle on the couch, cook dinner for two wonderful boys, read two chapters in "The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain, and basically be a kid. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, watch the Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix. I want to get married and be a mom someday!
I know, I know, I thought I'd never say this, but watching Duncan and Cullen gave me my internal mothering instincts and also, yes, me a true committed relationship with a man. Gasp!!! You can close your jaw now. I'm not running out my door, yelling I need a man in the streets, nope, I have much growing and changing before I am ready for my Mr. Somebody just right for me and I become just right for that person. Today, just brought a little perspective of what it is I truly want in my life. Amber is probably on her way home from work and so is her lovely companion in life Russ, so I should post this and get going.

Reclaiming My Eve

I found I Goddess yesterday and so I went exploring, because after the video there was a bunch of you tube things to watch, so I went a watching. I saw Zsuzsanna Budapest, I liked how she talked, I liked what she has to say. I've been afraid of Wiccan, Goddess movements, I've read on them and I liked what I read and their teachings, but being brought up Christian. It frightened me. One thing that resonated in my heart and soul was her comments about EVe. That is where she gained some respect from me. I've always felt that in religions I was brought up in, Southern Baptist and the non denominational religions always protrayed women as evil, malicious, unworthy, distrsutful. I like what Budapest said in video three and four about Eve, the Genesis story, she called it a lying story. I have always thought this of many of the stories in the bible. The only parts that I didn't feel that way about was the Gospels, because Jesus portrayed women as healers, providers, and worthy of love and respect by men. Budapest has a ceremony that concerns Eve, and I liked it. I watched it mesmerized by the ritual and thinking hell yeah, it is about time that we realize that we are not evil, not worthy of love and we are not at fault for the sins of the world. That we are creators of life and we are capable of much more than we were ever told we were. Some people might think she is bashing men, but I don't feel that way about what she has to say. What she is saying to me is we need to value ourselves and take care of ourselves for our children and for our partners in life. We need to respect ourselves and everyone else in our lives.
The last one number 6 is the self blessing, I like it and I am going to incorperate it into my normal routine on Fridays. I ask you to watch all 6 of them, you will be enlightened by them.

I Goddess

I am learning that when one door closes, another one opens. The last couple of months have been a maze of steps. I've been stumbling, longer than the two month, more like 3 years. I'm awake, fully awake. I feel like the fool in the tarot deck, the one who is about to start on a new adventure, but then I just went through the death and the tower too. So, today, in my email this you tube video showed up, then some other magical occurances started happening. I got to talk to a couple of friends and it helped me put a lot of things into perspective. I have felt inspired or hopeful in a long time. I've been mindlessly going, taking care of someone else's needs and I know in my heart that it isn't right. That has to change somehow. I like this meditative movie from I Goddess, found below, that popped into my email this afternoon. Enjoy... To all the Goddess out there...

Sisters

I am thinking about my sisters, both ones that I am bonded with by blood and the ones that we are only bonded by heart and soul. Victoria, Joy Renea, Carrilee, Amber Dawn, and Amber May. I am so glad that you are all in my life and I am blessed to know you all.

For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands.
Christina Rossetti



You should never look down on a sister except to pick her up.

Unknown




Sisters don't need words.

They have perfected a language of snarls and smiles

and frowns and winks

- expressions of shocked surprise

and incredulity and disbelief.

Sniffs and snorts and gasps and sighs

- that can undermine

any tale you're telling.

Pam Brown


Sisters are different. They heard the sobbing in the darkness.

They lived through all your triumphs, all your favorites,

all your loves and losses. They have no delusions.

They lived with you too long.

And so, when you achieve some victory, friends are delighted -

but sisters hold your hands in silence and shine with happiness.

For they know the cost.

Pam Brown