Good Grief

Sadness overwhelms me today. Though I have only known Georgia and Pete for 3 days, the sadness of not going to their home overwhelms me. I enjoyed my visits to their farm, the cows, dogs, cats, and birds all brought a sense of bliss for me. I enjoy nature, I enjoy helping people, I enjoy sitting in silence with someone, engulf in our own thoughts, and going there brought that into perspective for me. I felt a kinship with Georgia. My process of dying doesn’t include leaving this beautiful Earth, my dying process is killing and getting rid of past doubts, insecurity, and all those demonic monsters in my head that tell me that I am incapable of anything. I want more out of my life and I realize that I am capable of getting to where ever I want to get.
I’ve been so angry, I realized today. I’ve been angry with a lot of people in my life, whom, I have perceived so easily maneuver through life’s hardships and get whatever they want. I’ve been here, angry, sad, resentful, and feeling guilty. Mostly, it is guilt that captures my emotions. I love my family and I love my friends. Every single one of them brought lessons for me to learn from. Vickie, who is my real sister, who fought like hell to get where she is now. Who still struggles through the demons of our mothers abusiveness. The only other person who I feel safe talking about all those horrible memories of our past. Who loves and believes in me no matter what. Amber, who stuck by me and in her quiet way encourages and lets me know when I need to get my head out of my ass. Monte, though we have had turbulent and rocky times, every obstacle I have learned a new facet about myself. Realizing that I need to change to go with the flow of my life, as he is so capable of doing with his. Joy, who I am starting this CC change with and who throws water balloons at me when I need them to remind me that I am being a monster to myself and to others. Who understands the process that I am going through.
I do have blessings, it is hard to see them during the times when the darkness fills my eyes and all I can see is the negativity of the situation. Starting in October the veil of self deception and illusion lifted from my eyes. I saw myself as the woman that I know that I don’t want to be and that I’m not. My real mother became a bitter, angry, self destructive woman, who hated everyone, trusted no one, and believed everyone is out to get them. I saw myself becoming that way. By all means, I know and I have seen the dark side of life, more than I want to speak or remember, but I do remember that there are wonderful people out there. My eyes have been open, it is difficult to be mindful, positive, and conquer the dark depths of the past that needs to just go away. Then I realize it is something I have to accept about myself. It is what it was, nothing can be changed. All I can change is where I am heading now.