Sunday Serenity #10

the roaring of the ocean, the salty smell in the air, the gritty feeling of sand on your feet all brings peace to my soul. I haven't gone to the beach in awhile. I've always wanted to go spend the weekend at the coast, with no distractions, with no one, but my own thoughts. Someday I will do this.

I Can't Sleep, UGH!

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I would be wondering how the heck that would have happened, since I just had my period and I haven't had sex in a long while.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Very few

3. How much money is in your wallet right now?
$20

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes

5. Name one thing you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
abuse

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
I can't imagine it.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
yes

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
different people at different times.

9. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
I would try not to.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
years ago.

11. What did the last text message you get say?
Yep

12. What feature do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
personality and butt.

13. Fill in the blank. I love __?
CHEESE

14. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
doing my mandalas and more weight loss.

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call first?
vickie

16. How many kids do you want?
none

17. Would you make a good parent?
I hope so

18. Where was your default picture taken?
at home

19. Whats your middle name?
Jean

20. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
writing, a certain someone, and my tarot reading.

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
just one little thing.

22. Shoe size?
10

23. What are you wearing right now?
jeans and a black shirt

24. Do you believe love is blind?
Yes

25. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
yes.

26. Best place to eat?
home

27. Describe your perfect date:
having someone come over, talking, drinking tea or coffee, and being kind to each other.

28. Favorite animal?
butterflies and dolphins

29. Favorite juice?
grape

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
yes.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
um, yes

32. Ever had plastic surgery?
no.

33. Who knows you the best?
me

34. Do you get along with your family?
for the most part.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
neither

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
no

38. Did you buy something today?
no.

39. Did you get sick today?
no

40. Do you miss someone today?
YES.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
not today

42. When is the last time you had a message?
it's been awhile

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
me.

44. Last person to see you cry?
me

45. What made you cry?
I'd rather not say

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
I'm watching Leave It to Beaver reruns. lol I felt like being in the land of make believe where families were loving.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
well, since it is Sunday, I'm doing a few things before I go to work tonight.

48. Who do you think will repost this?
no one.

49. Are you happy?
getting there. I hope i'm not deceiving myself.

50. Could you be happier? What would it take?
a million dollars, 70 more pounds off of me, and peace and happiness in all relationships.

Visionary

Butterfly Thoughts

These pictures of butterflies were taken by my sister Vickie. She sent them to me today, I love butterflies. She lives in Alabama and they are everywhere in her garden.
The reason today, they seem so poignant is that I am going through a change myself, the catalyst that I've been in for so long is coming off. I am in a new and fuzzy place in my life right now. I'm still confused, unsure, and unstable about the path I am suppose to take, but I feel it will be revealed to me when I am truly ready. I'm tired of making plans, only to let myself down, and let other people discourage, critize, or be rude to me, as well. I don't know why it is difficult for me to stick to something, once I have made up my mind. I feel threatened, major self doubt, and all these thoughts roam through my head. It is like these dual thoughts that contradict each other constantly. Like I wrote on my Sunday Serenity, I am in a project that I want to finish and learn from. It is called Mandala, it is used for meditation and emotional healling. That is what I need. The time has come to either step up the plate or get off. So, I am stepping up, it is time. I built myself an altar, which, is a new concept and experience for me. It is an oak table, I have three candles on it, green, white, and blue and a figurine of mother Mary, and of course my intentions for my journey. I've done 3 Exercises so far, I have found some peace in them, but I also feel uncomfortable, well mainly, because of the newness of this spiritual experience. I was brought up into Christian fundamentalist religion, and all this self love and taking care of you, is considered a sin or of the devil. My sister Joy has found some freedom in expressing and illuminating some of these false ideas and concepts from her spirit. Though, she too still struggles. Though, my other sister Vickie struggles as well. Vickie is my half sister and Joy is my foster sister. My real mother passed away when I was 13, I went and lived with the Coons, who took me in. Though, they professed me as their daughter, I never actually and still don't feel as I am. It is the actions and the words that they use when they are around me. Joy, is actually the only one who I consider to be a real friend in that clan. I feel uncomfortable around the others, it is because I can't express or be myself around them at all. I loved Richard, and while he was going through the dying stage of his life, he became real and less reserved. I realize from my experience of watching people die, they realize what the true meaning of life is, and what actually is truly important in life. Richard did possess that quality. I do miss him. I actually miss the illusion that I had of being apart of a family, it was killed off by some rude comments that have been made and it hurt me to the core. Somehow, in the process that I've gone through, I have waken up to how many rude, cruel, comments have been made about me or about the things going on in my life. I grinned and bare the brutal, stinging force the words and actions have caused me. What I would say to these people now and next time I am in that position is this: "Once you have walked in my shoes, seen what I have seen, gone through what my experiences have been, then you can make decisions, comments, and judgements. Until then, you have no right, just like I have no right to dictate these things to you." I'm in a rebellous mood, can you tell?

My Dad

It is hard for me to believe that I haven't spoken to my dad in two years. His passing was one of the difficult things that I went through on my journey. He passed away two years ago, today. He is greatly missed.

Sunday Serenity #8

This Sunday, I decided to build my altar. I bought a book kit yesterday at Ross called “The Mandala Healing Kit” by Judith Cornell, PH.D. I read the introduction, and it recommended building a sacred altar for yourself. I am doing just that. I bought some candles, colors, green, white, and blue. Tonight, when I get home from work, I hope to hold my blessings for the altar and for me. Cornell, suggested that your write your intentions and keep it on your altar while you are doing the exercises. I write them down last night, and I am going through this process for inner peace and harmony and other things that are on my list. They are private and I don’t feel I should share them. A lot of personal conflicts and struggles are happening, once again. I don’t feel like going in the same circle and I must change something. I tell one person my intentions, I have to keep it for myself and I must let go of everything that was my past. It is a difficult process, but I feel in my heart it must be done. I do have some blessings and hope of the accomplishments that I have made in my life. I have a job that I enjoy, with a wonderful older lady. I do have a couple of girlfriends that I feel blessed are in my life. I have two older sisters who understand this journey that I want to explore and not holding me to beliefs that I do not share or hold dear any longer. I have to make peace with myself first, before I can actually do it with the ones that I feel are meant to be apart of my life. Anyway, I am most interested in hearing about other peoples altars, what makes them sacred and serene for them. This is a new experience for me, and it kind of feels strange, since the religion that I grew up in forbade it as evil.

Inspirational Art

Tonight, I decided to browse the internet, looking at different blogs, websites that I haven't been to in a long time. That is where Marcia Snedecor's art gave me light to my dark night. I'm in a another transition in my life, looking for the answers that I am seeking. And I am hoping that I will someday soon purchase one of her exquiste art pieces. I hope you enjoy it, as much, as I did.

Peace, Love, Joy, and Inspiration...

My first full week of work ended last Saturday. I like my new job, Edna is a wonderful, wise lady. I met her son, grandson and his wife, and it is nice to work with a family who clearly loves their mother and grandmother so. Life is full of interesting things that seem to happen in ones life. I discovered a secret about myself and also about some of the people in my life. Life changes, sometimes we are ready, sometimes we are not. I don’t know why, today, I am feeling full of wisdom, insight, and wonder at the many things that are happening around me. My friend, who has been a playboy, since I met him three years ago, found the one that he wants to marry. He told me on Friday. I am so happy for him, I am also a bit sad, because that means our relationship is going to change, but that is clouded by the happiness and pride I am taking in him and the new found changes he is making in his life. I am going to miss our late night talks and the time we spent together. Yet, I am also happy for him too. Cassandra is a wonderful woman. I hope with all my heart that this time it works out how he wants it to. I saw him today, we had one of our deep, inspirational talks, it helped in a lot of ways and I hoped it helped him too. It helped me to say goodbye to the old friendship that we had, and hello to the new one we are going to build. Hello, to the new phase in my life as well. I don’t feel compelled to help anyone, but me. It is a strange feeling, I’m used to being the caretaker, the encourager, but now, I don’t feel that dragging on me. It is a peaceful feeling. It helped to hear that I am important to him, that I matter to him, that I am a good and close friend to him. It helped knowing this and also seeing his face when he told me, he was happy with our conversation, because I am not being negative, insulting, or critical of this girl or him either, not like the ones in the pass. Well, if you knew them, you’d understand why. I am proud of him, I am proud of the growth that he is making in his life, and I am also proud of me. I am making clear cut changes, though the pruning is difficult, it is necessary for me to grow as a woman, friend, sister, aunt, and mostly for my own sake. I want more than a so, so existence. I deserve it, I want it, I crave it, and most of all, I’m striving for it. It has been three years, when the death of my life began. Now, I am seeing the green growth of my life, in my body, mind, soul, and spirit. My sister Vickie is coming the first week in November, I’m so looking forward to that visit. I’m excited, because, well, I haven’t seen her in awhile, not only that. I want her to see the woman that I am now, not the one I was in 2002, when she saw me in my environment. I admire, Vickie so much, she is a wise woman, helped me out of my mental anguish, because she has lived the life that I lived. She is so much happier, healthier than she was before. I am proud of her too. I, actually, have a couple of awesome women in my life, who have gone before me. I also have a couple of awesome friends in my life too. Monte is one of them. I am sending him blessings and Cassandra too. I am also sending blessings to Vickie, Joy, Carri, Amber Dawn, Amber May, and my friend Christina. I wish them happiness, love, joy, and peace that lasts…

Butterfly

I saw this video, while browsing. I love butterflies. They are graceful, beautiful, and peaceful creatures.

Sunday Serenity #8

This is one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, it is called liquid diamonds. My favorite part is the chorus that says: "I guess I'm an underwater thing so I
Guess I can't take it personally
I guess I'm an underwater thing I'm
Liquid running
There's a sea secret in me
It's plain to see it is rising
But I must be flowing liquid diamonds
Calling for my soul
At the corners of the world
I know she's playing poker with the rest of the stragglers" Solitude is a great thing, calling for yourself from all the corners of your mind, freeing yourself from the bondage of the negative doubts about the life that is around you. I got my music stolen, all my Tori Amos CDS are gone, and so is the necklace that my dad gave me when he went to Romania. There are a lot of changes, maybe that is exactly what true serenity, accepting the changes, obstacles, and negative things and still being happy and willing to still live, despite the shit in life.

Rules For Being Human

I got this in an email tonight, it is where I am at, this moment in time.

"RULES FOR BEING HUMAN":
RULE #1: You will learn lessons.
RULE #2: There are no mistakes--only lessons.
RULE #3: A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
RULE #4: If you don't learn the easy lessons, they get harder.
RULE #5: You'll know you've learned a lesson when your actions change.

-John C. Maxwell

Favorite Bands A To Z

Favorite Bands From A To Z:

A: Tori Amos
B: Pat Benetar
C: Chicago
D: Danzig
E: Eagles
F: Foo Fighters
G: Go Go’s
H: Heart
I: Janis Ian
J: Journey
K: The Killers
L: Lynyrd Skynyrd
M: Madonna
N: Nirvana
O: Olivia
P: Poison
Q: Queen
R: Ratt
S: Donna Summer
T: Thin Lizzy
U: Keith Urban
V: Sarah Vaughn
W: Weezer
X: ?
Y: Yes
Z: Z Z Top

Radiant Affirmation

I got this affirmation from my Goddess newsletter that I received. Here is the address if you are interested. goddess.com.au The reason this affirmation spoke to my spirit, I needed joy, love, and peace in my existence. It disappeared into the shadows of darkness and I am hoping saying this to myself will increase the flow of energy to maintain and keep my spirit growing. I have made some plans, decisions, and things seem to be progressing in my life. I love my job, Edna is a joy to work with and I feel like I can offer service. Things are growing and progressing, there is one thing on my mind that I am hoping will grow and become stronger, as well. I hope my dreams and desires come true.

~ I radiate love
~ I shine with joy
~ My smile comes easily
~ My peace is shared peace
~ I choose joy over sorrow
~ Hard times make me stronger
~ I blossom in response to adversity
~ I have great joy, and therefore great energy

Quote Of The Day!

The road to a friend's house is never long. – Danish Proverb


I got this quote in an email and I liked it. It is true, friends are awesome. The few close ones I have, I am so grateful for.

Cribbage And Other New Experiences

I had my first night of work, it went well. I played two hands of Cribbage with Edna tonight. It brought back old memories of playing with my dad and Uncle Don when we went camping with them in Idaho, after my junior year in high school. I quickly renewed my game playing skills and Edna enjoyed herself. This job is going to be easy and I can tell that we are going to get along. After work, I drove to Longview and visited with my old friend Amber. My other friend Amber, who was going to meet up with us, got called into graveyard duty. She is a Sheriff for Vancouver Washington. So, it was just me and Amber, we had a heart to heart talk, I told her about my plans with our mutual friend Monte, the month break that I feel I need to take for me, and she agreed. She is having problems of her own in her live in relationship and we were able to talk and even giggled a few times. It was a happy event. We went to Denny’s and ate nachos and drank cokes like we use to in high school, except it wasn’t Toppers. I am extremely tired, since it is almost 2 in the morning here in the North West, so, goodnight and sweet dreams everyone.

Sunday Serenity #7

To be honest, I truthfully don’t know what brings me serenity. Serenity means: being calm, untroubled, and cloudless in your mind and spirit. I have never really felt serene, at least right now, it is hard for to imagine what that feels like. All I know at this moment that I must get to that point in my life. I am lifting my hands up in the air, trying a new approach to my life and seeing what happens, going down a different path. I have to, if I don’t, I will drive myself crazy and not truly reach a transformation that I know I must make. I am getting ready to take a hot bath, listen to some Tori Amos (I know I enjoy her music) and listen to my soul, heart, and thoughts, without getting obsessive about what is going wrong and that feeling of helplessness. When I was so much younger, I was able to say “oh well, that is life”, now at 33, it is difficult for me to say that. Life does change, I’m releasing myself from the bondage of my negative thoughts and actions, that ultimately destroys me and going down a new path.

Inner Wisdom Of Jamie

A lot of different things have been happening in the last few months. I have stopped writing on my blog and I’ve stopped virtually being myself. I am not liking this part of me. The definition of insanity is doing something over and over expecting a different result. Starting today, this month, I am withdrawing and concentrating on my inner and physical health, which is in jeopardy. I have always said that I wanted to do this, truthfully, I have never done it. I need to listen to my inner core voice and be the wonderful woman that I know I am. I have gone through many changes in the past three years and I know that I need to do some more changing. To my friends and family, if I am not contacting you or calling you as much as I normally do, don’t take offense to it. I love you, I am just taking a sabbatical and listening to Jamie and the secrets of her heart and taking care of me.
On a chipper note, I got a new job. I am starting it tonight. I am excited and nervous and after work tonight me and my two Ambers are getting together and having a semi girls night out. I am looking forward to it. A lot of people that I haven’t talked to in a long time are coming out of the woodwork. The one friend, who I have based my life on, in part, is doing what he normally does, disappearing and being himself, and I’m not taking it personally, I am taking it as an opportunity for me to grow as a woman, friend, and family member in my life. He is still loved and cared about. I am listening to the inner wisdom of Jamie, thinking mindfully and doing what I feel is best. He needs time, so do I. I wish him happiness and normally, I would think we weren’t friends anymore, but not this time. We are, and he is valued and loved by me and I am hoping that it is the same on his side and I am trusting that our friendship bond is strong and capable of dealing with this same issue again and that the insanity of me thinking negative thoughts will stop, I’m trying a different approach than I normally do. Normally, I would hunt him down and make him talk to me, but that has always caused problems. Frankly, I am tired of discussing our issues and I don’t want to think about it any longer and neither does he. He knows I am here for him anytime and in some part I think he is there for me too. I am sending Monte blessings and contentment in his life at this moment, as, I am sending to everyone that I know in my entire life. I think I am finally growing up…