Butterfly Thoughts

These pictures of butterflies were taken by my sister Vickie. She sent them to me today, I love butterflies. She lives in Alabama and they are everywhere in her garden.
The reason today, they seem so poignant is that I am going through a change myself, the catalyst that I've been in for so long is coming off. I am in a new and fuzzy place in my life right now. I'm still confused, unsure, and unstable about the path I am suppose to take, but I feel it will be revealed to me when I am truly ready. I'm tired of making plans, only to let myself down, and let other people discourage, critize, or be rude to me, as well. I don't know why it is difficult for me to stick to something, once I have made up my mind. I feel threatened, major self doubt, and all these thoughts roam through my head. It is like these dual thoughts that contradict each other constantly. Like I wrote on my Sunday Serenity, I am in a project that I want to finish and learn from. It is called Mandala, it is used for meditation and emotional healling. That is what I need. The time has come to either step up the plate or get off. So, I am stepping up, it is time. I built myself an altar, which, is a new concept and experience for me. It is an oak table, I have three candles on it, green, white, and blue and a figurine of mother Mary, and of course my intentions for my journey. I've done 3 Exercises so far, I have found some peace in them, but I also feel uncomfortable, well mainly, because of the newness of this spiritual experience. I was brought up into Christian fundamentalist religion, and all this self love and taking care of you, is considered a sin or of the devil. My sister Joy has found some freedom in expressing and illuminating some of these false ideas and concepts from her spirit. Though, she too still struggles. Though, my other sister Vickie struggles as well. Vickie is my half sister and Joy is my foster sister. My real mother passed away when I was 13, I went and lived with the Coons, who took me in. Though, they professed me as their daughter, I never actually and still don't feel as I am. It is the actions and the words that they use when they are around me. Joy, is actually the only one who I consider to be a real friend in that clan. I feel uncomfortable around the others, it is because I can't express or be myself around them at all. I loved Richard, and while he was going through the dying stage of his life, he became real and less reserved. I realize from my experience of watching people die, they realize what the true meaning of life is, and what actually is truly important in life. Richard did possess that quality. I do miss him. I actually miss the illusion that I had of being apart of a family, it was killed off by some rude comments that have been made and it hurt me to the core. Somehow, in the process that I've gone through, I have waken up to how many rude, cruel, comments have been made about me or about the things going on in my life. I grinned and bare the brutal, stinging force the words and actions have caused me. What I would say to these people now and next time I am in that position is this: "Once you have walked in my shoes, seen what I have seen, gone through what my experiences have been, then you can make decisions, comments, and judgements. Until then, you have no right, just like I have no right to dictate these things to you." I'm in a rebellous mood, can you tell?