Reptiles

Finally! I am feeling a bit more energetic. I decided that a change needed to be executed in my life, back in September/October. I talked to my sister/friend Joy and we devised a plan to keep each other in check and to encourage each other. She got gun hoed and started on her environment, I’ve been stagnating in mine. I have these great plans and desires that I want to fulfill before I die and I haven’t done much of them. I feel like I have let myself down in a lot of ways. Commitment is a big thing to me, why is it so much easier for me to commit to someone else and keep it, but when it comes to me I can’t? This plaques me, and something I want to change. I have heard it takes a good month to two months to change old habits, but it is difficult to get to that point.
Especially, when out of the blue the obstacle that you’re healing from is back. Standing like Count Dracula ready to suck the life from your body. I’ve been reading “The Historian” written by Elizabeth Kostova. LOL I know this obstacle doesn’t want to suck the life from me, and does have he’s own responsibilities. I accomplished a lot during the almost 3 months since we departed as friends and I don’t want to go back to where I was in that relationship. I see the truth of what our relationship is or was, he does not care about me, as I do him. Though that realization hurts more than I want it to, it is still the truth starring me directly in the face. I have to face this deadly truth, if I don’t my life energy will be drawn from me with the perversions that flood my mind.
I’ve been reading some great books, so I haven’t been completely idle in my pursuits, or letting my mind poison my souls journey. I just haven’t been doing any of the physical stuff, except for my job. I’ve been feeling apathy lately. I believe it is my soul telling me that I need to contemplate, and move on from situations that I have no control over. Who really has control over ever aspect of their live? The people always do something unexpected, whether it is good or bad or if it disrupts your schedule, it happens, am I too get mad at them for being themselves or am I suppose to look at these rocks on my road as blessings in humility. In Myss’ book “Entering The Castle” the first room in the first mansion deals with Humility. She asks you to figure out what humiliated you in your past, not your mind, but your soul. I found some dark demons or reptiles, (as Myss calls them) starring me in the face. I started the first room last night. It brought up some repressed feelings about my mother, Rick, The Coons, Vickie, Ricky, and Monte that I stored away in that room, apparently. It knocked me off the balance kilter that I built for myself, and I had to sit the book down to regain my emotions. I almost cried when I read it, meditated on it, and now I am facing those feelings, long ago hidden in the room. I stuff my feelings, I always have and then suddenly something triggers an emotional outburst that drives me to insane measures that I beat my family and friends with. This overwhelming need for security. I felt that last night. I sat the book down, took a hot bath, and I wrote and let the memories that needed to come out, come out. I am surmising that Myss’ book and the small chapters is not a quick read, but one that you read and contemplate on for awhile before you move on to the next room. It is a book worth working through and owning. Though, something surprising happened today to my spirit. I got off my duff and started some needed work to my own environment. I feel like a bit of light is shining through and giving me a clearer vision of what it is I truly need to work on. I am worthy of the decision that I made in October, nine months without developing a relationship with a man again and opening up the windows to my heart and soul. I knew then, that I needed to work on some interior things. Though the people around me probably will not see it or even acknowledge it, I am doing this for me… Which is a big step… I am facing the reptiles and I am going to deal with them one at a time…

Sunday Serenity #20

I have always found trees serene. When younger, a forest existed in Eastern Washington, Benton City where I lived. I use to go out in the grove and hang out for hours. Partly, to get away from my mom, but mostly, because I could listen to my inner voice. Each tree, shaped differently, had personality, and I loved to rub my hands on the bark and feel the rough texture of it’s skin. I love watching spring and fall come, because of the different colors. Anyway, I bought myself a cool book called :The Meaning Of Trees Written by Fred Hageneder, who inspired this post. I want to post about the different trees. Their vastness is far and long, so many different types. Here are 4 trees, I liked in the book. I didn’t write all the information about them.

Maple: (Aceraceae) There are 100 species of this tree. The symbol:
The Divine Association: Nanahboozhoo (Salteaux Indian)
Astrological Association: Jupitor
Superstition: The Roman grammarian Servius noted in C. 400ce that, as the Trojan horse had been made from maple wood, the maple was a tree that brought bad luck.
Historical spotlight: The Sycamore tree was first recorded in England in 1578, possibly brought from Europe by the Crusaders. It’s English name is a misspelling of Sycomore fig, a tree native to Egypt and Palestine.

Alder:
There are 35 species.
Symbolism: Release
Divine Association: Bran (Welsh) Phoronneus (Greek)
Astrological Association: Neptune.

Monkey Puzzle (Araucaria) :

There are 15 species.
Symbolism: Care
Divine Association: Pehuencha and Pehuenkuze (native Chilean)
Astrological Associations: Saturn and Mars
Historical Spotlight: Early European observers apparently wondered how a monkey could climb the sharp spikes of the trunk and branches. However, there are no monkeys in the forests of Chile.

Birch (Betula):
There are 60 species.
Symbolism: Renewal and Protection
Divine Association: The white Goddess, Brigid (Celtic ), Freya and Frigga (Norse), Venus (Roman)
Astrological Association: Venus
Historical Spotlight: In 1893, the British intelligence officer Captain H. Bower brought back from Turkestan one of the worlds oldest birch bark manuscripts , dating from 350ce.

Oh Happy Day

I am excited about my new position. I now need to get some needed things to make my new position workable for my in home office. I am now an office manager for Mercy Caregivers. I’ve been working here since September 5th and I love my job. I am thankful for this job and all the new, exciting things that have been happening in my life because of it. I feel good about it. The things I need now to make this transition easier is an all in one printer, scanner, fax machine, a desk, and a better cordless phone.
I have moved on in my book reading the: Entering The Castle by Caroline Myss. I am enjoying this one too. I am gaining new perspective on my sojourn journey to my soul and life. That is what I’ve been wanting this year to be for me. A mindful journey to the path of what my destiny is, so I can finally find the peace that I’ve been craving.
I am hoping that within the next few months, I get my home office built, some bills paid off, and pictures. I have some new opportunities to better my relationships with people. I am going to be teaching my nephew Rick and his wife Jessica computer. They don’t own one, and don’t have a clue in how to operate around the internet. I offered and am willing to teach them what I know. I don’t know everything and I am still a student, but I know I can teach them enough for them to get around and be comfortable in using this valuable tool. I am also doing a Creative Change project with my sister Joy. I am enjoying it and listening to her and the new opportunities she is experiencing and embracing helps me gain new perspective too. Monte is now back in my life and we have made up in a sense. I feel better about that. We have been friends for a long time and it seemed silly to have this dispute over nothing destroy our friendship. I am glad and thankful he and I have this new opportunity to build and heal our relationship. I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for a lot of things.

Mirror Fun

I had fun experimenting in the mirror with my camera. I never realized how much I enjoy taking pictures, until I didn't have a camera anymore. When the weather starts getting better, I want to go out and take more photographs of the things I find interesting. I want to get my family together and take pictures of how I see them and in their own environment. That is my plan for this year, to use my creativity in that way.

Sunday Serenity #19

I can imagine myself at the beach already, enough said...

Friends

Yesterday, I got to spend some time with my friend and her family. Here is a picture show of some of the pictures.


Amber and Jackie



Jackie, Amber, and I



Amber and Duncan



Tub a war with licorice.lol



Amber and her sweet boys.



The family. Cullen didn't want his picture taken anymore.lol



Amber, Duncan, and Cullen...




Amber and I



Amber, Russ, and I

My New Do

I decided to get my hair done yesterday. A couple of years ago, after Rick passed away, I cut my hair really short and dyed it this awful red color. So, I've been growing my hair out for a couple of years. It reached the bottom of my back. Yesterday, I drove to Longview and my best friend Amber little sister Jackie cut and dyed my hair. We went to Sally's and I picked out the two dye colors, one for highlights and the other for the main. I choose dark brown, since that is my natural color and deep auburn for the highlights. The highlights turned almost a pink color, but I don't mind. I've never had foil in my hair, so that was an interesting experience. This was a step into the new path that I am going, since January first. Amber bought herself a new straightner, iron thing, so I got her hand me down, that will be good, so I can experiment with it. Then when I feel more comfortable, then I can get me a new one.

This is Jackie and I in Amber's mirror, me with foil.


After Jackie finished. I love it...




All three of us, Jackie, Amber, and I...

Tornado's Bring Blessings

Driving on I 5, thunder bolting from the sky. At first, I thought it was a shot gun going off. Then the rain, mixed with hail starting coming down from the sky. I barely made it home before the wind came blowing through. It was scary. I stood out on my porch to see what the heck was going on, I felt the hail pelting me, and I couldn’t see anything. The wind was strong. I thought, a TORNADO. Then, I went into the bathroom until I heard it was gone. The bathroom felt safe to me. Don’t ask me why, it just felt that way at the time. I have never been through a tornado before, they are rare in my region. Shingles, trees, and all sorts of things are flung around in my apartment building. My cable is out, the phone service is out too, I’m grateful I still have my electricity. That makes it better.

I wrote this during the moments after the tornado hit my home in Vancouver Washington on Thursday afternoon. I decided to spend the whole day relaxing. I read “Entering The Castle” by Caroline Myss, listened to music, watched Bridget Jones Diary, took a hot bath, and was completely contented without phone, internet, or TV. Yesterday, I when the phone came back on I discovered to my delight that several people called to see how I was doing. That opened u a vista to me, making realize that I do have a close nit of family and friends that are around me. It has opened up my eyes to my many blessings and I see things at a different perspective.

Sunday Serenity #18

Shopping, I know, I know, doesn't sound peaceful. This trip was different. I went with a friend, she got permission to change the wallpaper border in her bathroom from the manager. So, we went to Lowe's and it was fun to look at the paint chips. I picked out two colors that I want to change my bedroom into. I kept them for rememberance of what I want.
We also went to Target. I like Target so much better than Walmart. There I saw my dream desk that I want. Right now, my computer is on a card table in my office. I don't like it at all. I don't know, usually, I hate shopping, today, was different. I saw some amazing things on there and I it also helped that I just read about walking meditation in "The Art Of Power" book. Friends, shopping, beautiful things brings me peace. I send everyone peace and blessings.

Boats And Clouds

I went for a walk with Amber last weekend. I just now got them downloaded onto my computer.
There was actually a boat tied to the dock on the quay. It was a pretty day.



The clouds over the water, so pretty.



A boat tied to the dock.

Thoughts

I’m feeling better, the first two days of the New Year, I felt like a pile of you know what. It wasn’t because I was sick, it was the daunting task of this new project I am doing with my sister/friend Joy. We both need change and we decided to co-create our lives together. Sharing our secrets only with each other by another blog. It is a cool idea, I love it. I have my intentions, what I want my life to be like this year. I felt like I was building yet, another box for myself. I didn’t like that feeling. Once, I talked to Joy about it and we both decided that this is a revolving change, (circumstances, environment, or it just isn’t working) could change everything. I didn’t want to be stuck in this mode I made a commitment to myself and to Joy. I am big on commitment, I wanted that freedom to change my intentions in mid stream. Which, I did. I got some cool new books that I wanted to incorporate into my creative change and I also wanted to add a couple of things to my list. One of the big things I wanted to add was Monte. He is slowly coming back into my life and he is a dear, sweet friend, but I don’t want to go back to the way things have been, so I had to add that memorandum and I added more passion. I think the universe is listening to me and an interesting thing happened. An old friend I knew in high school, Carol contacted me via My Space and we have been writing each other messages for the last couple of weeks. She asked me an interesting question about my childhood and how I felt about my real mom. I felt nervous about answering it, not because I didn’t want to share, the fact is, I feel inadequate a lot of the time. It took me all but 30 minutes to think and to construct my response to her. I think it was the universe letting me know that I have made peace with my past, which, opened a lot of doorways. I’ve come from many backgrounds, maybe that is why I can see things from different perspectives. My early childhood, full of drama, pain, abuse from all the major things, molded me into this fire breathing woman, who doesn’t like clowns, even. The type of clowns that use violent behavior as a funny joke. Why laugh at other people’s misfortune, being hit in the face or set on fire, my opinion and I don’t judge or condemn someone else for liking that kind of thing. It isn’t my cup of tea. Then I lived with Vickie and her family for a time. She is my true blood sister and I love her a lot. She has survived, like I have. Her household was better, but not that much. I have nightmares of that home, but I felt extra protective of my nephew Rick, he is 3 years younger than I am and I am so proud of him. The accomplishments that he has made despite the malarkey he went through. Then I lived with the Coons from 14 until 19, then I moved out on my own. I’m grateful for all these experiences. I wouldn’t have gained the knowledge that I have now without them. It doesn’t mean that each home had a different type of adjustment period, or what I coin negativity, but each one was a step up from the other. I know at least with Vickie and the Coons they all love me and did their best. I met some awesome people during my time in Longview. Amber H., Amber S, Carol, and some that their names have escaped me. I made friends and I gained some sense of independence, but not fully. I think, that each home that I was in, the only thread that was common, was absolute control. My mom used violence, name calling, etc. Vickie used drama, neediness, and desperation and the Coons used guilt, manipulation, and religion to gain it. I’m not saying they are bad people. We are all human and we do things without realizing it. I have even done these things without knowing it. We are after all human. I have much love, respect, and understanding towards them. I have seen the progress that many of them have made and I am proud to call them my friends, as well, as my family. It is giving me a lot to contemplate and appreciate.

Friends

Amber was trying to put together a new shelf unit for her bathroom Her too precious cats, Cleo and Ramseys were so curious about it, they sat there and watched her intensely the whole time.



This is Amber Dawns fiance Russ. He is a nice guy. He is a good friend to me too. They are both great.




My walking partner, Amber May. Yes, I have two friends named Amber. I'm glad they have different middle names.LOL