The last week, I've been stuck in my bed, dreading life, feeling miserable, hopeless, sad, angry, you probably get the picture. It all started with the news from the doctor about my health, and then it even got worse today with the news from the old doctor. I got a second opinion. This time, I asked for copies of my x-rays, so I can show people. My sister works on x-ray machines, and when she was here in July, she showed me an x-ray of her head. It is truly amazing, it is art. when I get it, I'm going to see if I can scan it and send it off to people. I digress...
For four years, I have been friends off and on with Monte. He amazing, talented in drumming, a great sense of humor, and can somehow cut through all the bullshit of mine. I value his friendship, tremendously. Yet, we have these outrageous fights, where, I am the cause of it. I am realizing that I am extremely insecure in a lot of areas in my life. It inhibits my true growth and my spirit of my life. I have read some great books, by the Dalai Lama, Dyer, Myss, Angelou, Williamson, to name a few, and I have gathered some great information. Somehow it's been hard for me to follow through on the tools and tips that they give you. Instead, I act like a total asshole, pardon my french, but that is how I have been behaving. I do, I act like a total jerk, demanding of others time and energy concerning him, my insecurity, what am I gonna do, and still not heeding their advice, some of it has been great advice, even from Monte himself. I have been so focus on him, that I have stopped taking care of my own needs, and causing him as much pain over things, as myself. Tonight, Monte and I had a fight, then a heart to heart talk. I believe he wants my friendship, like I do his. I'm glad that this outburst happened, I am seeing things from a new perspective, I can't live like this, it is helping me or him. I obviously don't love who I am. The signs are all there, and it is truly up to me to change it. I can't change because someone wants me to, I have to do it for me. I have known this for a long time, and it is the reason Joy and I have started the Creative Change project that we did. She wants to change her life, as much as I do. I did realize something while I was talking to him. I am not in love with him, he took Rick's place in my life. The companionship role that Rick had, and yes, Monte has some of the qualities that Rick had. Rick passed away 4 years ago, almost 5 and I don't think I am truly over it. I don't think that is something I can get over, the death of someone who I truly loved and cared about for 10 years of my life.
Here is what I want to accomplish in my life at this moment, and it will take me awhile to get to where I am going, probably my life time. It is still worth it.
I want to accomplish my long time goal of losing another 120 pounds and getting to a healthy place in my life. I want to be out in the public, walking, hiking, being out in nature, instead of cooped up in my apartment. I want to find the true joy in my life. And enjoy being in my own company, (Yes, Joy, I am getting it), and doing my own thing. I need to love and respect me and do what I need to do for me, instead of worrying about others in my life. That is my commitment to myself...
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