New Year

I cannot believe a year’s been here and the end apparently so close. My mind’s swirling with the journey I took. I feel as though I took a trip to Africa, Italy, Egypt, Ireland, Japan, and back to my own nest. I am more than positive most of you know the biggest event of the year, my month long stay at South West Washington Medical Center here in Vancouver, Washington. I feel truly blessed with a wonderful doctor who despite my spastic vocal cord kept me going. The nurses, even the ones who took care of me while I hallucinated many fantastic images kept right on working and showing me great respect anyway. I hear I’m feisty when I am not fully myself. So they deserve high praise for their calm demeanor while I became a crazy lady.

I learned lot with my experience, the love and support of my family and friends while weak and discovering the ones who weren’t such great family and friends.  2011 will be a year of more self-discovery and the journey to good health. I will have a great year.

How To Train Your Dragon.

On the recommendation from my nephew Jesse, who happens to love DRAGONS he loaned me his DVD copy of "How To Train Your Dragon". I am not a big fantasy fan yet I fell in love with the reptile in  "How To Train Your Dragon" named Toothless.  Even though his head was shaped like a snake and he would throw out fire from his mouth, he seemed playful as a dog or a cat. I don't know if Toothless changed my views on reptiles, I am willing to see that they want to live like the rest of us and maybe I won't be so apt to run away screaming. I identified with the character Hiccup and the relationships he experienced from his family and his tribe. If I had the chance to kill a dragon or even a reptile I wouldn't be able to do it either. Adult and children will both enjoy this film and enjoy the story, the animation, and the expression of the Dragons. Watch it, that's my recommendation. And thank you Jesse for the recommendation and letting your aunt borrow your DVD.

Nicholas

Meet Nicholas, my new pet. I adopted him from my niece. Six months old, rumbustious, and full of life he is. 

Obstalces And Fear

Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight. ~Orison Swett Marden

Pain, Do Not Avoid.

"Life is painful at times, and spiritually, we are meant to face the pains that life presents. However, we often misrepresent God's plan for us and expect life to be comfortable and free of trouble." Caroline Myss (Anatomy Of The Spirit)

On my journey through my throat surgery, painful loss's have perpetually engulfed me. I had many people tell me that I'm not living a life where God can bless me. My thoughts to these accusations is how do you know? Maybe, just maybe my experiences are teaching me to appreciate my life and maybe these obstacles and truly blessings in themselves. Life is painful, yet, somehow we expect God and prayer to magically fix everything, but how do you classify a fix? My journey taught me many lessons, perserverance, patiences, appreciation, love, thankfulness, and most of all how to engage myself into not judging others and their afflictions.  Each step that I took on my path to healing was apparently meant to be  for me to value myself and the people who actually love me and to allievate me from the falseness of the people who do not love me.  That's my journey now, healing, and directing my life in a different way. The process is painful, but well worth it.

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Goodbye To The Old, Hello To The New

I am finding it hard to say goodbye. Has anyone ever had that trouble? I love Madonna and I especially love the song "The Power Of Goodbye".  

I'm Alright

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer


When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
 
 
While laid up in the hospital I learned the meaning of love and friendship. I was shown who truly cares and loves me no matter what and who doesn't. It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone that I thought was a friend, turned out to not care at all, though he knew I was laid up and close to death. It's sad. We were having discord during the time and he was giving me the silent treatment, so maybe it was over for him.  The thing is, I cannot dwell on that anymore. What is done, is done. My mistakes were made and I do have to live with whatever the consequences are going to be. Enough said about that.
I do have some fabulous friends and family members who rallied at my bed side, even when I was not completely myself and hallucinating beyond imagining many crazy things. I read the notes I wrote, because I could not verbalize, I wrote. I was looney. Thank God, I am not looney anymore.  Above are photos of my beach trip on Wednesday with my two sisters, mom, and niece. I had a blast, despite the cold and fog.  Now off to get some chores done, keeping my mind off of what went wrong and concentrating on what I can do now and what is right. I am alright after all, for the first time in years I can breathe. My endurance sucks, but hey that can be build back up. The fact that I can move, walk to the bathroom without being winded is such an amazing feeling. I have high hopes of achieving what I want. I do know what I want. I want my own life and not be trapped in my apartment afraid of having people starring at me because I sound like a moose.  My hole is smaller this week, so Dr. Anderson is correct. I wasn't so sure at the time. It's hard to fathom it closing up so nicely.  Well, I need to get going...

Can You Guess What Kind Of Mood I'm In?

Trach To Trachless

Back To Myself

What a journey I've been on for the last month. July 20th was suppose to be a normal routine one day surgery and then I could go home. Did not end up that way. My brother Rob came with me, as everyone else, sisters Carri, Joy, Vickie were all busy and unable to stay with me. I thought everything would  be just fine, as I've had the procedure before. Nope, my vocal cords decided to spasm and cause the doctors a problem and myself a problem with breathing. I was incubated for one week, they cut a trek into my throat. Still there, not the actual trek, but the hole of the trek. I feel like a whale with the blow hole. A strange sensation when you sneezes come out of your throat and not your nose. I had many hallucinations in the ICU, which caused my family to worry about me. Being so long without oxygen was the cause. I cannot remember my family being there, the medicine they gave me caused amnesia, thank God for that, because apparently I had some amazing visions. This last surgery worked and I am grateful to Dr. Anderson for all his help and his skill as an ENT. He is a very compassionate doctor and I would recommend him. It has taken me a long time to find doctors who cared, years in fact I was going through this whole ordeal and no one would help. I decided to keep looking and finally my prayers were answered and Doctor Houghton recommended doctor Anderson. I spent one month in the hospital, just got home on Wednesday.I spent two weeks in rehab learning to walk and function again. I still feel wobbly, and unsure about many things. I am usually an independent person, asking for help is a big stress for me. I made some decisions though, one is to get back to my authentic self and take care of me. For years I've been focusing on someone else and it turned out to be extremely unhealthy. Secondly, I will let my family help me without the guilt. My sister Joy stayed with me from Wednesday night until Sunday. I loved her company and we've watched all 5 DVDs that I had out of my Netflix account. Get Smart, Next, Saving Grace season one, Monk season 5, and Criminal Minds season 3. More will be coming. I am changing my routine, and not isolate myself inside of my apartment. All I can say is that this whole experience has become a big learning experience for me. I learned that I had true LOVE with my family, my  brother Rob stayed by my bed when he wasn't working, reading to me. Because it took a week for the rest of the family to get there. So, he was alone for a week dealing with watching me in a bad situation. I am grateful to him, because I haven't felt particularly close to him over the years. It was nice to know that he loves me. Then Carri, driving our mom down to the hospital and organizing, doing, and accomplishing what I needed. And sticking up for me when certain people weren't painting me in a good light. Thank you Carri for all that you did. My mom for loving me, sitting with me, even though it was uncomfortable. Joy you too, thank you.Vickie for flying out here from Alabama to see me, and helping organize my finances while I was unable to.  I have an amazing family.  My friends that wrote me amazing messages on Facebook, Amber for visiting me in the hospital and the amazing orchids she gave me. Mandy for the card and the words of encouragement. Sarah, Bianca, Julie, Amber S for the same words of encouragement means a lot to me.

"Human skin is porous; the world flows through you. Your senses are large pores that let the world in. By being attuned to the wisdom of your senses, you will never become an exile in your own life, an outsider lost in an external spiritual place that your will and intellect, have constructed — John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom) ."

  

What's Love?

"No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest." John O'Donohue (Anam Cara)

Flower Power!

“And so here is the hard part: We have to go into the sludge and look for it all. Like La Llorona, we have to drag the river for our soul life, for our creative lives. And one more thing, also difficult: We must clean up the river so La Llornona can see, so she and we can find the souls of the children and be at peace to create again.” Clarissa Pinkola Estes   

Sunday Serenity

Planet Earth

Watched the BBC "Planet Earth" disc three today. Wolves were shown on the "Great Plains" episode, along with some beautiful creatures. Amazing how all these creatures survive and live thru all sorts of disasters and enemies who are out to feed off of them.

Instrument Of Peace

Lips Unsealed

Just read Belinda Carlisle's memoir "Lips Unsealed" about her life, her thoughts, and her miraculous healing from addiction from drugs and alcohol. I love Belinda Carlisle, her style, her attitude, her voice, and most of all her ability to transform herself. So, was surprised by her expressing a lack of self worth and esteem. Personally, and I'm sure not the only person who believes this, but she's a beauty. I enjoyed her memoir a lot, and felt that she was being real about her life, not unlike some memoirs you read and you feel that the person is not being real about anything. It's a great memoir and worth the time to read, especially if you are a fan.

Loving My Planet

I'm watching disc two of the BBC Planet Earth Series. This disc includes "Caves", "Desert", and "Ice Worlds". I absolutely love the two discs of this series that I've seen so far and can't wait until the other three come my way. Despite the anger that I'm feeling about the oil spill and the selfish, thoughtless acts that BP has done to our resources. I cannot help but in awe of our planet and all the critters, humans, and plant life that's all around us. We are stewards of the planet, so shouldn't we be respectful and nurturing to it? We do have to live here and we are suppose to be the smartest species, sometimes I do wonder if that's true. Anyway, just a small reminder to be nurturing to myself and to the other living things on our planet...

The Most Powerful Computer

The Brain... Amazing how powerful that walnut looking body part is. Every part of our body is controlled by some cortex of the brain and then we don't think about the care or maintenance required to sustain our lives. You are considered dead when you're brain is not functioning, even when your heart is beating, you are still gone. You are off line, not connected to your body anymore. The reason I've started on a rambling musing about the brain centers on the fact Saturday I went to a seminar with my sister Carri and several women discussing abuse, trauma, and development of the brain. And guess what happened, my fascination and curiosity followed. The speaker Partricia Warford captured my intellectual mind with her entire speech. I never realized how we developed in the womb, and how soon we actually start connecting outside the womb. Ten days after conception we start noticing, hearing, and feeling our mother. We can hear her, even thru all the gunk, we hear her. Then at three months your hearing is even stronger and you start recognizing outside, such as your father or siblings and we are drawn to that relationship. That's amazing to me. That helps our brain acquire language skills. Language I learned, is centered in the part of the brain that our emotions are in. So emotions and language are so connected. Warford got me to analyzing myself in so many ways and how to nurture your brain for healing and especially from the trauma sustained thru life. No wonder so many problematic fractures such as PTSD, RADS, and others have happened. Food for thought, food for considering the importance of nurture becomes to individuals. I took so many notes, but want to do some more research before sharing them all. So more posts will eventually be written.

Book Giveaway

My lovely sister Joy generously is hosting a giveaway on a book titled "The Cast Aways" GO sigh up for the chance to win a new summer read.

Serenity

Grace And Gratitude

Olivia Newton-Johns starred in the DVD that I watched by Deepak Chopra "The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success", she wrote and sang on the DVD and brought back the fact that I love her and her music and her spiritual journey. I want her CD "Grace And Gratitude" and will get the CD soon. The Chopra DVD is very good and inspirational, informative, and challenging.

Up In The Air

Last night before dreamland, I watched George Clooney's Movie "Up In The Air. Absolutely, loved the movie, could be simply that George Clooney charm and talent brings a certain quality to the story or the fact, that the story hit a certain spot. It's both, at least to me. Watch this movie and enjoy humor, tenderness, romance, and love, all sorts of love between all the individuals involved, that quality made the story stand out the most to me.

Appreciating My Planet.

While sitting and healing, started watching "The Planet Earth" series that everyone raved about a couple of years ago. Finally, am watching and must say that I'm absolutely in love with the my planet and the way they have filmed it. Have to admit I've only seen disc one of the series and am so excited to get the other four discs from Netflix.

Refugee

Absolutely love this song. For the last couple of days, since my surgery last Tuesday, many things have been popping in my dreams, have no idea if my dreams are induced by the drugs for the pain or just simply my spirit telling me "its time to wake up". I'm inclined to believe it's spirit, God, the divine wisdom that resides in me. As my friend Linda so amply put this morning, "i don't have to eat the whole elephant at one time." Which tends to be what happens when I've finally made up my mind. So, for the month of June will be trying an experiment, will be asking spirit, Jesus, God, the divine what's one thing to do today, and then do that one thing whatever it is. Will not be living as a refugee anymore...

Home At Last

I'm home, never thought I'd be so excited to be at home. My one day surgery turned out to be a three day stay, only two or three more surgeries before the problem in my throat is cured. Acid reflux while I'm sleeping is the cause, am so glad that it wasn't the other two variables Dr. Anderson suggested. Am feeling blessed, relieved, and a deep sense of gratitude. So, a couple of days of rest, then time to start on my five things to accomplish this month. While at the hospital I started Dr. Wayne Dyers book Inspirations and am loving it. Something so real and thought provoking about him. Well, am off to go read and get some rest.

The Beginning Of My 36th Year.

One day until surgery, yes, another surgery just as before. I'll be having at three more until whatever is in my throats gone. The strange thing, am at peace with it. Grateful, finally answers to my questions. Tomorrow I'll even have more answers. Some how the last six months brought on some changes to my attitude and even to my relationships. My thirty sixth year will be a miraculous adventure. That became evident on my birthday, which was Friday. The whole day, one thing after another happened, both good and bad and somehow everything meshed well. To where fear, anger, resentment, and most of all paralysis have vanished. Compulsion to sit around and wait for a certain friend to be a friend disappeared to where it does not matter at all. I've got plans, and also the gumption to get them done, only two days and then the gate to my journey will be open to me and the next chapter of my life can begin. Actually, its already began last Friday, the first day of my thirty sixth year. Where for the first time, contentment and love resided beside me with my family and friends, from close by, to far away. My sister in law Chris took me to the Rose Garden, the roses weren't all in bloom, but many flowers were. Where we walked a little ways and saw the outline of this magnificent city garden located in Portland Oregon. Plans for going back are in my agenda this summer. Then we drove around for eighty miles looking at awesome homes and scenic views and yep, cemetaries too. Then we went home and ate cheese, bread, and played a couple of games before going to my home at 4 AM. Many more great days will happen...

Freedom

How many.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Mother's Day and Spring

Song I Hate

I'm giving up on you
How could I ever call you mine
You're too pretty, too simple, too easy
You're just a waste of time, yeah

And I won't miss you when you're gone
You never move me anyway
I wanna wish you all the best and send you off
I hope somebody finds you entertaining

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You know it gets so hard, so hard to keep moving on
Through all your petty little changes
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes
Wish you away

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You're the song I (x3)
You're the song I hate

I tried so hard to change you to make you
Something I could enjoy
But you insist on just acting the plaything
You're just a toy, just a toy

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

You're the song I (x3)
You're the song that I hate

You're the song I hate
But I can't let go
You're the song I hate
But I can't let go

Yeah
The song that I hate
Uh!
You're the song I hate

Tulips

Me From The Inside

Went and got another CT Scan at Vancouver Radiology. A surprise they gave me a photo copy of my scan. I find it a miraculous thing to see my brain, throat, and spine. Am hoping to be having surgery to cure my breathing issue sometime in May.

Digging For My Stash

Am up early this morning, planning on getting a few things done to prepare for my upcoming surgery. This week on Jorge Cruise, I backslide and didn't loose anything at all. Loads of stuff overruled my mind and that took over. When mindful of what I'm putting in my body so many good things happen. Step three has become a soul searching quest to find something else to do besides stuff my face when faced with the unknown and the frustrating obstacles that seem to appear out of thin air. Now onto new a better things and burying new nuts to dig up later. Watched a squirrel digging up his/hers old nuts from the winter, made me think are they still edible? Hmm, a good question, truthfully how many things in my life have I horded, from emotions, to people, things, and old habits and then they become stall, not useful, and just plan old rancid yet we still use them, eat them, and allow them around just because we horded them and feel bad about being wasteful. What kind of thinking is that? Not very healthy. So, realizing this some deep soul searching and reveral of choices has become another focus in my life...

Sping

Springs in the air, love the smell of rain on a spring day. Smells clean, a since of renewal clings the flowers, grass, roads, cars, and everything the drops hit. Took these photos at my mom's house. I have fond memories of walking home from school and seeing all the tulips, azaleas, and daffodils waiting for me to get home. I received a phone call this afternoon, have to go get another CT Scan. Somehow they took the x-ray in the wrong spot. What can you do. Still waiting but hopeful.

Something Fun

Your Orchids Say You're Very Elegant

You are exotic and intricately beautiful. You possess a unique grace that's both delicate and strong. You are thoughtful and refined. You are the definition of class. Some people may find you unapproachable, but it's only their lack of confidence speaking.

What Do The Flowers You Pick Say About You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Excuses

Finally finished a book I've been reading since December, "Excuses Begone!" written by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Dyer gave me a lot to analyze and to contemplate through out his book, many of his insight about memes shook me up. For example: the excuse, that's just my nature, truly if you wanted that part of yourself to change you can do it. I'm tending towards believing him about excuses and using them as crutches so you can stay stuck in unproductive behavior patterns and just to have some thing to bitch about to others and to beat yourself up over, instead of just saying hey, I've got the power to change this because I'm from the divine source that made me. So, considering all this, I've taken steps to be the divine creature I've been born to be. step one, conquering the breathing issue that's been perplexing me for two years and taking the necessary steps to do what needs to get done. Went to get a CT scan today, and next Tuesday will be an appointment with the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist to remedy the problem. Surgery, where he will remove the section of my throat where the scaring is and reattaching it. I believe this is the right choice for me. I'm amazed by the way everything seems to be coming together and no problems are presenting themselves. My family is coming together and rallying to support me. Step two, starting the Jorge Cruise "Belly Fat" eating plan. I've been eating this way for a little over two weeks and the results are truly amazing to me. Though today, I have cheated, by eating tater tots today, but not that many of them. Wanted some comfort food, because of the ordeal with the CT scan, not fun to have done, but made it through. Though, I've only made two steps so far, am hoping to make many more. Read Dr. Wayne Dyers' "Excuses Begone", it's truly a life changing read.

The Belly Fat Cure Diet

Two weeks ago I started the Jorge Cruise Belly Fat Cure Diet along with my sister Carri. So far, I've lost nine inches and ten pounds. I'm very pleased with the whole process and the results, it's easy to follow and do, not hard at all. Here's an example one of his recipes on youtube.com. Also Jorge Cruise has a website with great information.