“We must cultivate our own gardens” Voltaire Candid (1759)
This quote jumped out at me, like a deer starring at you, while standing in the middle of the road, the stubborn beast won’t budge and let you move on down the road. I have been in a whirlwind of doubts, self destructive abuse, negative actions and thoughts recently, because hey, you learn what you are taught, right? The people who really know me know my past and what my road looked like from before and what I am going through now to change my destination and how I perceive myself and others around me. I put error signs up in my mind all the time, but sometimes I let myself down with the negative shit that seems to pop up out of nowhere. Especially, yesterday, while talking to one of my big sisters, she listened to me whining and I got told you just ruined my happy day. Well, truthfully the sun was out and it was a glorious day, I was sitting at home gloomy because of a certain event that happened to me 3 years ago today and all the negative shit that I still have to put up with his family. Who got the things they wanted out of our house and now they want more, so I have to stand up and fight for myself and what I deserve. Hey, I spent 11 years taking care of him, doing the best that I can do with a man who is so stubborn and who thought he knew everything and bending to his will, so he won’t be unhappy… That was hard work, it nearly killed me, and I am still reaping the benefits from that lousy choice that I made when I was 20 years old. Let me tell the 20 year olds out there, you don’t know everything and the decisions and the choices you make will inevitably bite you in the ass. Believe me, I’ve been bitten a few times. I don’t’ want to be the negative, vindictive, self abuser, that I am inevitably becoming, so I need to reroute the wheel, so to speak. If I am miserable, then the people who I know love and care about me are miserable watching me becoming miserable. I’m going to end up, like Rick, no family, or friends who truly want to be around you, because you are too cement headed to realize the good things and be the good person you know you are. So this is my last bitchy, whiny, and angry blog about my life. I’m tired of it.
I’m hoping that March 12th will be a good thing for me and for the obstacle that is in my way, that we both will benefit and be happy with what happens. I’m hoping to get some of the things that needs to get done in my life done. I hope to be the happy, go lucky woman that I know I am. I hope to stay focus on the path that I am meant to be following. I want the people who are my family and friends to be happy and loved too. And I even wish that on my enemies.
My fears on this new journey is, I don’t want to be a selfish person, not being able to help my fellow man when in need, either. See balance is the key to everything, I believe this with my whole heart. The key, I guess, is in finding that balance for me. Every individual has their own balance and I just have to find mine.
1 comment:
i am so proud of you sis. you have had reason to be whiny but the insight to see that wallowing in the whine serves only to keep your body, soul and spirit mired in the mud is a gift that you mustn't snub. you are meant for more. you deserve much more. the world needs people who have suffered and then taken that suffering and transmuted it into compassion for self and others. people like you and me.
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