Signs From A Movie

I see myself in the character of Frances in the movie “Under The Tuscan Sun”. This morning, because I am having feelings that are welling up inside of me, I decided instead of eating, I will watch a movie. “Under The Tuscan Sun” is one of my favorite movies ever, though this morning, I saw it in a whole new light. I got some wisdom, advice, soul warmth from the movie that I didn’t before. Has that ever happened to you? You have watched a movie many times, then one particular time, suddenly, like a flash, there is a new aspect you never thought about before. So, like a student, waiting to gleam from a teacher, I took down my thoughts during the movie.
What fully brought my attention to this new insight was what Patty said to Frances at the restaurant. “I think you’re in danger of never recovering. You know, when you come across those empty shell people and you think to yourself, what the hell happened to you? There comes a time in each one of those lives that they were standing at a crossroads, someplace where they had to decide to turn left or right. This is no time for you to be a chicken shit.” This bold, blunt comment made me realize some things about myself. I have two roads that I can go on, they have been starring at me for a long, long time. I have chosen not to look in either direction. I have chosen to stay stagnate. I’m not blaming anyone for my decision. I have had some great people in my life who have been telling me for the last three years, since my independence day about my stagnation. Two truly awesome friends Amber and Monte, have taken the bull by the horns and moved on with the crippling pains and rejections that they have experienced in their lives and made themselves happier and more content. This ability is something that I admire and respect about both of them. Though they are still struggling, at least they are moving towards the right direction for them. I am happy for them. They both deserve it. My sister Vickie, she is more blunt, but has a heart of gold, I am glad that we are from the same blood line. I realize that I have many strong courageous women in my life, though they have different beliefs, talents, opinions, and paths, they have still stood by me and encouraged me, though I have been standing in the cesspool that I have been in. My mom, Vickie, Carri, Kris, Joy, Sarah, Nichole Amber, Linda, Jackie, Carissa, Lorraine, and there have been several guys too, Rob, Rick, Jesse, Joshua, Russ, and Monte. I feel blessed for these wonderful people in my life.
I’m still in uncharted territory and there are a lot of my questions that I have not received answers too yet, patients is not a virtue of mine at all.
Another good dialogue in “Under The Tuscan Sun” is when she is talking to Catherine. Catherine’s advice from her beloved FeFe is “Live spherically, in many directions, never lose your childish enthusiasm and things will go your way.” I liked this because it is good advice. Advice I need to have injected into my brain and remember during the moments that are difficult. During the movie, I felt Frances’ pain, and emotional depression, because I am feeling it in many ways. So, when she is talking to someone and says this, I am wanting the same things and thinking the same thoughts about myself. “I’m sick of being afraid all the time, I still want things. I want someone to cook for, I want a wedding in this house, I want a family in this house.” This hit home for me, because at this point, I’m sick of being afraid all the time. My fear has paralyzed me from the beginning and it is driving me crazy. And I too want someone to cook for and a family. She realizes she has this, and I am slowly doing the same thing. So, when Catherine said to Frances “Regrets are a waste of time, they are the past crippling you in the present. How are you going to be happy, if you keep wallowing? Go work on your house, GO.” Well, I don’t have a house to work on, so I am taking it to mean my body, soul, and spirit. I have been holding onto the past in many ways, not letting things go. I have moments of happiness, but I also run from it. It doesn’t make sense, that something that I crave, I run from. That is how it is for me, I am coming to the understanding, that I can’t change my past. It was what I was dealt, I had no control, and really I don’t have control over anyone else but me. That is something that I must relinquish in order to find my inner peace and sanity. I have to stop letting these negative thoughts, habits, and people that are in my life go and let them run where they need to go. I can’t change them, I can’t make them be who I see them as. I can see all the things they want and I want them to have it, just like they do me too. It isn’t fair of me to criticize them for the self doubts and self abuse they have in their lives, because, hey, I have them too. All I can do is stand by them, just like I’d like them to do for me. I said that my quest this year was finding my balance, my inner strength, peace, and love for me, well, I have been noticing signs, abilities, and it is wonderful at the moment. Just when I needed an uplifting, I sure got one. In a movie, that I have seen a thousand times and it is a heaven sent to me today.