I Am Longing For Spring

Trampoline Time!

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I received my mini-trampoline in the mail today. I am so excited. Fun was not had when it came to assembling, true strength and patients was needed. I enjoyed my three mini two minute workouts. Right now I’m concentrating on balancing, doing the major acrobats that the lady demonstrates on the DVD is not doable, at least not yet.
I’m still in the process of working thru a lot of mental and emotional stress that’s been eating away at me. So, I’m focusing on the physical to ease some of the tension. I do have goals, dreams, desires, feelings, and I’m processing thru all of them, making doable plans that work for me. A new thing for me…

Sunday Serenity

I received Dr. Wayne W Dyer’s Spiritual Solutions on DVD in the mail from NetFlix today. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the program. I watched it twice.
I gathered many cool points, I’m so thankful that I found the experiment he did in the program and also the prayer from Frances of Assi’s prayer. A lot of what he said sparked many ideas and realizations. I’m going through a hard time, re-evaluating many aspects of my life. Seems to me that I’m always doing that, maybe life is about evaluating what works and what doesn’t. I’m at a turning point in my life and a choice must be executed no matter what. I am going to follow through on something that my inner self has been telling me for a long time. It’s time… Taking a break from a certain relationship on my own terms, instead of his, and I am sure I’ll be lonely and want to contact him in some form, I also believe that I am strong and stubborn enough to not do it. I proved that to myself already with other things.




LORD, make us instruments of Your peace.

Where there is hatred, let us sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, union;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that we may not seek to much

to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardonning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen

-- Attributed to John Bernardone ("Francis of Assisi"), 13th Century

Health And Spirit My Theme For 2010

I recently signed up for Netflix. I’m enjoying getting DVDs in the mail. I watched Ruby, The First 100 Pounds and I got inspired. I am on my own journey to fight the battle of being obese. I found her blog, also she’s on face book, since I do not have any way of watching TV I can keep up with her progress and read her inspiring story.
That’s not the only DVD I have gotten, I’ve been going movie crazy. As soon as I get one, I watch and send it back right away. I don’t have much of a life, plus I am still recovering from my almost two year battle to breathe. I am hoping to incorporate other things into my life, slowly, as I am on the journey to see what I love in my life. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of two books by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Cheryl Richardson.
I fell in love with the movie Julie and Julia. Oh my, I love to cook, but have lost the inspiration. I do not have anyone to cook for but myself. I eat easy now a days, occasionally I will whip up a soup or stew. I still enjoyed Julie Powell’s journey of cooking through Julia Child’s French cookbook. I will be whipping up some great recipes soon, even if I am the only one who gets to enjoy them.
I’ve also watched Ghost Hunters, The Biggest Loser: Yoga, not very good in my opinion, and 1408. I am expecting Reign Over Me and Wayne Dyer: Spiritual Solutions. Do you see a theme forming? I do, health and spirit seems to be my motto for the year. My queue of movies seems to be growing as I research them out.

Demon Of The Fat Lady

“You’ve been provided with a perfect body to house your soul for a few brief moments in eternity. So regardless of its size, shape, color, or any imagined infirmities, you can honor the temple that houses you by healthfully, exercising, listening to your bodies needs, and treating it with dignity and love.” Dr. Wayne Dyer.

I went to bed early and got up early. It’s four in the morning while I am writing this. I’ve been in a perpetual hell the last couple of weeks, maybe closer to a month now. A friend who I have held dear despite the many ups and downs of our past together is behaving in a malicious and cruel way towards me again. It seems from the pattern it always happens when they are in a new relationship. I have let it derail me long enough, it’s time to just let everything go and let it flow. I’m tired of being beaten up emotionally by the same old pattern of our relationship. I feel powerless, I’ve let it warp my mind to the point where I have not accomplished any of my dreams, hopes, desires, and just plain old living my life. I got out of the hospital 3 weeks ago tomorrow. The traumatic experience of not being able to breathe properly for a long time left me feeling a lot of emotional things. Then wham, another blow to me, someone decides to insult me and be a jerk. I’ve had enough, I’m tired of wallowing in the pain of rejection and dejection. I am drawing the line and putting a stop to this whack out thinking in my head.
I am obese, I have been losing weight for the last 5 years, its been going up and down. Luckily, I have not reached my highest weight 397 pounds, and I am stubborn enough not to let myself get that far gone. I am out of control in my eating again, yes, I have the classic eating addiction. I eat especially when I am going through any emotional trauma and the last 5 years has been a roller coaster of events. I proved to myself that I am a strong woman, hey, I fought not being able to breathe for 2 years, don’t you think I can fight the demon of the fat lady, who conjures herself up every time a new disaster faces her. I know I can. So, my choice is to get back on the weight loss horse and get moving. I walked down my hallway today, hopefully my new mini trampoline comes soon and I’m getting back into the practice of mindfulness that I’ve been preaching to everyone else about for many moons. It’s hard to take your own advice, so I am tired of being a talker and not a doer. So I am doing.
I am sure there will be obstacles along the way, I am hoping the tools that I do have will stop my spiral before I get to spawn on the self destructive path again.
I am going to trust the few people I have in my life and trust my inner most sacred voice that guides me.
I started the first step, I am fasting for a couple of days. From today, Friday until Monday. I am fasting, drinking lots of water and other fluids. I am jump starting my body into a new regiment. I am also doing something different, I’m going to keep track of every morsel that I put into my mouth so that I can gauge how much I am consuming every day. I’ll keep you posted on my progress every Friday that will help me be accountable. Until next Friday, have a healthy and blissful week.

Starbucks An Old Friend, And Self Evauluation

I met with an old friend that I have not seen in many years, Sarah. I enjoyed our visit. My nerves were jumping up and down waiting to met up with her at Starbucks, she and I were never that close of friends. I did admire her from afar. We both got awake tea, she crochet while we visited.
I have a lot of stuff on my mind, mainly whats on my mind is where do I go from here. Everyone has ideas and opinions, usually, I would jump up and do whatever anyone would say that I needed to do. I am too exhausted to even think of doing that, each person in my life has an idea. I have been focusing on this one friendship for many years, up and down, all around it goes. I am on nauseating roller coaster ride that continues to be the same thing. I am so tired of it. How many times do you have to hear from someone they do not enjoy your company, you embarrass them in public, or whatever other cruel things they say to you? I am apparently not human in this persons eyes.
I am tired of being in an unhealthy relationship. I sometimes feel like I want to avoid having any type of relationship with anyone, but I know that is not the answer. I do need some time to myself, I feel in my heart that is the next step, I've been putting that off, like I've been putting off exercising, eating correctly, reading, writing, school, and so many other things that I can't think of them all.
So, after two weeks from the surgery and my near death experience, I'm once again waiting for the next step. I want to scream, wheres my next step universe. What the hell am I suppose to do now? My house shows the chaotic state that I am in now, I am one of those believers that believe the clutter demonstrates the state that you are in. Since I've moved into my apartment last August, I've been keeping it clean and organized, I've been slacking off on it since Monte, yep, that's the friend I am speaking about.
I am choosing to let all the painful communication go between us and concentrate on what I want for a change. I am going to figure that out. That truly is the next step. I cannot do what someone else expects me to do anymore. I've got to go about things in my own timing and way. Quoting my sister Vickie and my friend Sarah, "It is what it is". I am taking those words into my psyche.

Happy Birthday Mom.

Sunday was my mom's 78th birthday, so all four of us kids got to spend it with her. i had a great time...


Levi my nephew.



My mom opening her birthday gifts.




My sister Joy and our mom. My mom's 78 as of Sunday...




My sister Joy sewing one of her bookmarks.

Picture Of The Day

Here is a photograph I took yesterday on my road trip to Rice Hill with two of my sisters and my niece. We had a grand day...

Snowy Weather

It’s snowing! It’s gorgeous outside, I’m thankful I didn’t have to drive in it. I had fun watching the giant snowflakes fall from the sky, and watching the kids play in the snow.
I now have a TV to watch my DVDs on, a friend’s mother gave me a 19 inch TV and I just got it all set up today. I’ve got a lot of things to look forward to for 2010, my sister Joy is visiting from Phoenix Oregon, school, more weight loss, I can breath, and of course, my beautiful apartment. I am slowly getting back into the groove of my life, concentrating on getting healthy for the fall quarter of college. I am still a bit sick, coughing, but I still sound good and its not getting me down at all.

Christmas Blessings

A slight set back made itself know the last couple of days. My right ankle swelled up and my left wrist and elbow too. I am still grateful that I can breath and these are symptoms of my body trying to heal itself with oxygen and also I haven’t been able to function for a long time. Epsom salt baths help the pain and so does ibuprofen.
Despite the pain, I went to my brother Rob’s house for Christmas where we had a fabulous dinner. I got to see my mom, who hasn’t been able to see me well and she’s doing awesome herself, my sister Carri and her son Levi, and of course, Rob’s family. I enjoyed myself playing games of Apple to Apples and a new game of Catan. My brother Rob who doesn’t usually participate in games played both with us. It was fun…
I received a blood pressure monitor and warm fuzzy socks for Christmas from my sister Carri and my mom. I also got a new wardrobe from my sister Vickie too. My friend Monte gave me a gift card for Barnes and Nobles, a nice surprise.
I am still taking it easy, not going to let my ankle, elbow, and wrist detour me from exercising or accomplishing my plans. I won’t be my usual bull self and over do it.
I got an unexpected coffee invite from an old friend that I have not seen in forever. I am going. It will be awesome to see her and hear about her adventures.
I am also working on my list of goals for 2010 and I’ll be posting them here and on Creative Change. I feel that I have missed so much with the strydor breathing issue that I am having a hard time not overwhelming myself with everything I want to do and accomplish. I am having a hard time remembering that I must take it easy… It’s also about choices and I believe I am going to just choose 3 things at a time for now. I don’t want to wear myself out or discourage myself from even trying. How do you encourage yourself when you have new goals ahead of you?

Sick, But Grateful!

I feel terrible. After last weeks big deal, now I am fighting a stuffy nose, sore throat, and an ear ache. I want to go spend Christmas with my brother Rob and his family, but I fear that will not happen if I continue to have this sickness. On top of that, someone that I consider to be a friend is acting like a butthead. Saying he only likes hanging with me half the time and I make him uncomfortable and so on. I don’t need anymore. I am feeling so exhausted by last weeks ordeal and the year long battle to get some oxygen and now this. My head cold is not what’s bothering me. It’s the fact that for 5 years this same old battle with my friend goes on and on. He is not clear on anything, I do not know what the heck is going on. I never will, I realize.
I am taking a week to myself, to rest, to heal, to get better both physically and emotionally. I need this. Today, I did absolutely nothing, no chores, nothing at all. I watched several movies Alexander with Colin Ferrell and Angelina Jolie. I don’t know if I like Oliver Stones version or not.
Despite being sick, I am thankful I can take a deep breath and walk to my mail box and not sound like a moose. I am still making long term plans for my future. I need rest and retreat to come to terms with everything I’ve gone through. I’ll keep everyone posted on what everything and my progress.

I Can Breath!

I am back on the net. I haven’t been able to blog for five months. In the mean time, so many things have happened to me.
For over a year, I’ve been literally fighting to breath. It first started when I gained seventy five pounds of water in two days, they couldn’t hear my lungs with the stethoscope. That was over a year ago. Slowly, as time went on, it got worse. I do not know how to describe the debilitating feeling and embarrassment I felt going out in public. I sounded like a moose to myself, so I can just imagine what it sounded like to everyone else. I knew something was wrong, family and friends did to, but nothing was discovered which was irritating. I couldn’t function well, I forced myself to accomplish what I had to. It was not a life at all.
In March of 2009 I moved in with my nephew and his wife, did not go well. They couldn’t handle watching me, I truly do not blame them. While there, I got myself established with a great doctor. Dr. Collins started helping me, doing blood tests, I wasn’t making blood, a vital part of being a human. He couldn’t figure out why. In October, I got so tired of living a mundane existence that I made an appointment with him to help me with my breathing. It seemed to have gotten worse. I could take a breath in, but I couldn’t feel it in my lungs. Try this, take a huge breath, feel your lungs and see your chest rise, mine was not doing that. When I got to his office on that October day, he heard my moose call, it alarmed him. He gave me a nebulizer treatment, a steroid shot, an inhaler, and steroid pills. It all seemed to help for a brief moment, I felt high, but still no lung action. He also scheduled me for a lung function test, thank God he did that instead of an x-ray or a CT scan, because that is what ultimately saved my life. On December 10th, my sister Carri and I went in for my lung function test. Oh man, that was the hardest thing I had to do. I couldn’t do it. Carl the technician was patient and kind and seemed alarmed. He made several comments to me " I never seen anyway breathe that way before". In the car, Carri my sister told me that my lips were blue. After the test, I drove home. Rob, my brother met me at my apartment and carried my groceries in. I had to take several breaks. 15 minutes after Rob left, Dr. Collins called me personally. He couldn’t reach me, because my stupid cell phone kept going to voice mail. Finally he reached me, he told me that the lung function test said I had a constriction somewhere in my neck or chest. He wanted me to go back to Longview a forty five minute drive back to get a CT scan and then I was to go back to his office where he was going to have me admitted. I did not feel up to driving back to Longview, so my sister in law and my sister got me there. Carri, a trooper stayed with me thru out the whole ordeal. I had to wait 3 hours in the CT scan for the blood test and then they injected contrast die into my arm and ran the test. Then we waited in the waiting room for hours it seemed. Where the desk nurse thought for sure I was going to be admitted. Dr. Collins went home, and his on call Dr., Dr. Randall called the desk to talk to me and told me the CT scan saw nothing and I was free to go home. He said to me that I should be ok sense I’ve been dealing with this for over a year. I was too pooped to scream or do anything. That is what I wanted to do. Carri saw that my face was disappointed and I was going to cry, but I didn’t. So we called my big sister in Alabama and told her what was going on. She told Carri to take me to the ER. So, we went. The desk lady there heard my strydor cough. A strydor cough is the cough that happens when you are getting close to dying. She rushed me into the ER room, and the doctor was in there in seconds. I had several nurses working on me. I felt overwhelmed, tired, pissed off, grateful, and so many feelings that I couldn’t keep it all together. I tried to remain calm, but I felt this stinging anger towards Dr. Randall. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t hear what everyone else heard. Dr. Lucas, the ER doctor, called a Dr. Davis, an Ear Nose and Throat doctor from his home. He thought I sounded like an interesting case. He came in, talked for a minute then took out his lycroscope, which is a long tool, looks like a fishing pole with a microscope at the end of it. He stuck it in and down my left nostril and to the base of my throat and had me do sounds so he could seem thru my voice box. That was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever gone thru. It didn’t hurt, felt so strange having something go down my nose and to my throat. Felt like a big, long burger, yuck. I felt like one of those alien movies where the alien was sticking his probe down my nose. I am thankful for that tool, because of that tool, Dr. Davis saw what the problem was. He didn’t say anything, accept that he was going to see the CT scan and then talk to the radiologist. He came back with Dr. Lucas and told us what was up. I felt relieved. Scared, but relieved, because finally there was an answer. I was admitted to the hospital at OHSU in Portland Oregon. I was so glad I didn’t drive myself. I didn’t leave for OHSU until 2 Am and got to OHSU at about 3 AM. Where I got examined and admitted into the hospital, at about 5 AM I had my room. I was so exhausted, but still felt relieved. I had a beautiful room, the presidential suit at OHSU. I saw Mt. Hood and a glorious sunrise. My room was so huge for just one person. Even though I was struggling with breathing, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my body. I didn’t mind the IVS, the blood pressure checks, the IV drip, and all the hoopla associated with being in the hospital. I had a team of Doctors who were going to help and I’ll soon be able to function again.
At 11 Am, I went in for my surgery. Dr. Flint performed the surgery, thank you so much. They put another IV into my wrist, ouch… I had a 90 percent blockage of scar tissue just below my voice box. They took a biopsy, all the tests were clear. They think I have an auto immune disease. So, I am going in for blood tests to see if that is the case. There is a 50 percent chance it can come back, at least now Dr. Collins and I can take care of it. My throat still feels sore and I feel stretched just below my neck, yet, I am so thankful for all the doctors, family, and my few friends who have and are still supporting me. My sister Vickie flew up from Alabama to stay with me. She just went home today. We had a great time visiting and getting to know each other as adults. She went with me to Dr. Collins office. She told me she felt that I was just going to give up and that was what I was doing. Ricky my nephew felt that was too. That wasn’t the case. Dr. Collins, Dr. Flint both asked how did I do it. How did I not lay down and give up on my life? All I could say was I do not know. I forced myself, but that really isn’t the answer. I feel that it wasn't my time to go. I still have many goals and pursuits to journey thru. I have been told and I am thinking to myself, since I am strong enough to survive this, I can do anything I set my mind to.
Now, I am on my way to recovering. I now feel that I will be able to go back to school next fall, to lose the 80 pounds to reach 200 pounds, and whatever my heart desires. Now I feel free to dream again. All I could concentrate on was trying to breathe, that I didn’t dream of other projects, or try to do anything else but survive. I feel, look, and have a different outlook on my life. Thank you universe, Carri, Vickie, Joy, Rob, and my friends…

Vitamin D

Yesterday, I got a phone call from my doctors office, concerning my blood test that I got done last week. Low and behold, I am low in vitamin D. Normal range is 30, and I'm at 11.5. So, he prescribed me vitamin D, 50,000 IU's, and I only have to take the small pill once a week for six weeks. How do they get so much into such a tiny pill?
I went on the internet and found out some information about vitamin D. I learned that it causes depression, hypertension, heart disease, fatigue, and obesity. I am suffering from a few of these. I am looking forward to seeing how taking a vitamin D pill will help me feel better...

New Moon

I can't wait until November 20th when the second book becomes a movie and the series continues. Here's a trailer of the movie, looks so awesome... I'm excited.

On Writing

Yes, another Tori video. I like how she thinks and how she writes.

An Artist

Found this great interview on Tori's latest album and wanted to share...

Maybe

Tori


Got Tori on the brain still, can you tell?

Little Earthquakes

Thoughts

"So strange. Woke up to a world that I am not a part except when I can play it's stranger." Tori Amos

A photo of the theater ceiling in Portland Oregon called Arlene Schnitzer Hall. I was privileged to see Tori Amos on Saturday night in this amazing place.
I am in awe of the blessing to get to see her perform many of her songs. She performed for two yours, and man can she perform. She's a passionate spirit that knows herself and her soul comes thru in every song she does.
It's a rainy Monday. Many thought cloud my mind today, yesterday too. I love this line from one of her songs... I am going to get lost in the story world of Tori and my new book... Enjoy your Monday.

Tori Amos

I went to see Tori Amos last night with my friend Monte last night. I have been in a funk for awhile, going to the show energized my spirit. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love and appreciate her music.
She put on a fantastic 2 hour show, that blew me away. I was so impressed with her talent of playing two keyboards at once. WOW!