Life Sucks

How do you let go? Let go of the things that are tying you down, making you feel like shit. These are the questions that are going through my mind at this present moment. I am miserable, in pain, frustrated, lonely, sad, and most of all angry at the world. Why am I in the same exact spot that I was in before? I hate this, I loathe it to the fullest extreme. I’m tired of being stuck in a perpetual wheel of grief, suffering, pain, loneliness, and anger all the time. Right now, I just want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off. Really, to fuck off, leave me the hell alone, but then I think, I love these people, some of them at least. The reason I am angry is their resilience to get back up on the horse every time something bad happens to them. Monte, keeping on calling those hotlines meeting new girls to talk to, meet, and stuff. Amber with everything going well for her. Here I sit, alone, suffering, hurting, angry, in pain, and not knowing how to get out there. I don’t want to meet anyone right now, I have so much wrong with me. I am living like I am in my 60’s or 70’s, when I am in my thirties. I can’t walk, I can’t function as a person. I am stuck in this house, alone, crying, wanting more than I can have. I feel like sometimes no one cares about me, then I realize it is my selfishness, my loneliness, my anger and pain that is speaking. I am being irrational, in their own way, they care. I mean for goodness sake, Monte came over Friday night brought me groceries and got my mail for me. Amber is coming up on Tuesday to take me out to run errands. My foot prevents me from functioning at this moment. I do not understand this emotional state that I am in. I have never been this way in my life, I cry at the drop of a hat. I bet it is the years of muck, debris that is finally coming out. I have been on a quest of digging myself out of the world of denial and illusion that has been before me for so long. I am not sure half the time if I am up or down, whether I should go this way or that way. All I know is I am tired of this hell right now. Things are suffering all around me, it is noticeable. I am tired of it, I have to do something. What it is, I do not know.

Spring

You are Spring Fresh blossom on trees and crisp dew covered grass is what you enjoy Take the Season Quiz at Quizopolis.com

I Don't Want To Be A Cripple

I don’t want to be a cripple at age 32. The pain in my left foot has finally subsided and I decided to try and walk a little bit. I didn’t do it for long, I walked like a funny, crazy, hunch back and I had to use the walls as braces to make it the small way to the bedroom. I miss walking, I miss not being able to get up and down on my own whims to get things done. I have so much to get done, cleaning, watering my plants, and taking care of business outside the safety net of my home. At my age, I shouldn’t be acting like an old lady, I’m not old, I should be vibrant, ready to get things done for me. My God, I am back at the same place I was before and it sucks. Then on top of this, I am so worried about my sister and her tests coming up for Cervical cancer. It runs in our family, my aunt Marie told me yesterday that she had it at my age and had to get a hysterectomy. If it ain’t one thing, then it is another. Life sucks sometimes, but changes happen.

Death and Rebirth

Misery, what exactly is it? The definition in the dictionary states its meaning as extreme pain, distress or misfortune, great unhappiness. This word describes me to the bone. I am unhappy, last night having an old friend who opened up my eyes with one statement broke the last cord of denial that I have for myself. I am living like I used to in Longview, in misery, hopelessness, despair, hurt, pain, suffering, and in disgust. The reason I wanted to sell the old house in Longview was to start again in Vancouver, breaking the cycle that I was on. When I least expect it, it crept back in. I am disgusting and pathetic all over again, living in my own perpetual hell. How the hell do I get out of this road I’m on?
This fracture ankle, I knew it was a sign that something has to change. The change has to happen inside of me, I have listened to advice from my sisters Joy and Vickie, to my friends Amber and Monte, to my mom, to whomever. I am not sure, I am not taking away the knowledge my loved ones have, but I am also needing to find my own path down this road that I am clearly on. I am a firm believer that everyone is on their own road, they have their own truth. I sometimes forget to remember this, especially, when a dear friend or family member is in need, but it is all true. I am so consumed by this morbid grief, that is killing my spirit and soul, making family and friends run from me, that I am torturing every aspect of my life. This demon that has this hold on me, will not let go. What is my own truth? Do I have the strength and power to usurp this negative energy and make it into something positive for myself? The match has already been lit, the flames long ago burned out, I am now ashes. Reconstructing this woman has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I have encouraged, helped, supported, loved, cared for, cried with, and laughed with all my friends and family, but I have never done these things for me. I took a tarot card reading from the Gaian Tarot Oracle website. I enjoy this ladies writing, insights, and her art. She draws and makes her own tarot cards. I found her site on another blog that I enjoy reading, writer Kim Antieau. I have never read her books, but my sister Joy has and loves her work. I got the Lovers card in the Opportunity section, the Builder in the Challenge section, and the Death and Being Born card in the Resolution section. Isn’t that interesting? My questions were, I asked two, they were: What about my relationships with Monte and Amber, what is in store with them and then I asked one about myself, about my future and my life. I clearly have to grieve, I clearly have to break down, in order to rise about this hell that I am in.
I am on a quest of some sort, for what I am not quite sure. Time will reveal what is in store for me, I can only make plans for right now. I have to be a mindful thinker and not a mindless one. I know what I have to do, I have to get these last 135 pounds off, so I do not end up like a cripple. The weight is crushing the bones in my ankle. It is scary. I am unable to walk, which is a pain in the ass. I feel like a pathetic loser. These tears that are formed in my eyes, crying over the loss of me, having friends looking at me pathetically, how in the hell did you get yourself to be like that? The scorn, the negativity, and the every beatings of myself, in my head. I am feeling so stupid, so pathetic, a loser again. I let myself go, I have turned off the power, passion, exuberance that I felt towards life when I was young. I know the exact moment I lost it, is it possible to gain it back? Has it really been beaten out of me?
This emotional turmoil will not stop, does it ever, it seems insurmountable when you are burned to the ground and are only ashes. I got news of my sister and her possibility of having cervical cancer, I so much want to be there in Alabama with her, holding her, crying with her, talking with her. I suddenly realized how much she means to me, I love her so much. We call ourselves the weird sisters, we are most definitely strange to the bone. Then another change in my friendships with Amber and Monte. I realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate they can be. I do not love them or care about them any less because of these two qualities. I am opening my eyes to reality and what I must do for myself. I love these two people greatly, and I will never tell them to get out of my life. That is simply not acceptable in my book, it is hurtful. I have had it done to me many times and I am not willing to let someone else go through it. It sucks, when you are suddenly hit in the face with a dose of reality that you did not expect. I also understand that they are having a change in their lives themselves, I do not judge them for it or condemn them for it. It is apart of human nature. Change happens, I can either lay their, crying like a fat whale on a beach getting ready to die, or I can be a fighter and figure out a way out of this place. I am choosing to be the fighter that I know I am. If I can fight for others, why can’t I do that for me?

Vegan And Type II

I got this interesting article about the Vegan diet and diabetes. I have type II Diabetes, though I do not have to take medication yet, I still have it. I have to be mindful of what I eat, sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I do not think I could go Vegan, because I love cheese and yogurt. I still found it interesting. I am aware that I need to improve my diet in a lot of ways. Why is it the cheap food is so much cheaper than the food that is good for you?

New Mission

Contemplating my own scheme of things in the areas of health, relationships, and finances is a difficult task that I have set before myself. I have been procrastinating, living in the web of denial that I have weaved for myself. That has to stop, RIGHT NOW! My body is out of balance, along with my spirit and soul. I need to stop living in this web of deceit and figure out how to get snap away this binding, tentacle that has grasped itself permanently to my body. I have been sadden lately, to be totally honest, for many years. I have gotten myself stuck in the same old rut that I wanted out so badly before. This relationship with Monte is always up in a roar. I’m struggling with this relationship, I have from the beginning. I like him a lot, I care about him too, I want to believe he feels that way towards me too. I have a hard time believing this and consequently I challenge him every change I get. Though now, I am not sure what is happening. I feel like apart of me has been cut off, violently ripped off and now I am hemorrhaging from the wound. I am slowly realizing, it isn’t him, it is me. I am the cause of my own emotional uproar, my own dilemma. I have to figure out what to do about these things, and not just with Monte. I have been way too dependent on him for help, and I think he feels it. That is why he probably runs from me. Amber is tired of hearing about my problems with Monte and she runs. I wish I could run from me too. I have so many things going on in this brain of mine. I have at least circled the problems. First, I am an emotional overeater, Second, I am passive aggressive and I get angry at myself and others when I cannot defend myself from others violations of my person hood. Thirdly, I am tired of this body I am in, I am tired of having no passion or joy in my life. Whew, that was so hard to get out. It is hard to get the truth out in the open, but I have to be honest and realistic with myself and with others in my life. Sometimes the only way is to write it out.
Now on to greener pastures, Amber and I have to decided to start our own support group for us overweight gals. We are poor and cannot afford spending our precious money on things that are frivolous as weight watchers, tops, or over eaters anonymous. I am sure those groups work, but sometimes you have to work with what you have. So instead of sitting and boo hooing over my weight, swollen ankle from the weight, health problems, and such. I am making me my mission, I have helped a lot of people in my life, so why am I not capable of helping me. Amber and I discussed this yesterday, and we want a rewards system, we want to have a system for helping each other when we are having a hard time, support, encouragement, and motivation are important factors to any new regime. If there is anyone else out there who wants to join the bang wagon, feel free to join. It is always easy to get motivated, but it is difficult to stay there. I am a strong believer that encouragement and support is important in ones life.

Apologizing For My Emotions

It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.
-Virginia Woolf

I woke up at 3am from a strange dream. Monte and I were having a conversation and I was helping him like I have always done. It felt strange because of the hurt feelings that I have towards him at this moment, but I still love him and wanted to help him. Early this evening, we had a text conversation, one that was painful to me.
You see I was apologizing for being rude to him when we got off the phone earlier today, there was a better way in telling him how I felt than what I said and I was apologizing for not what I was saying, but for being rude. He text me back “Would you please stop with that. Ur looking pathetic. Please have some self confidence. You are forgiven, but you don’t have to be sorry for something so mild.” When I got that, I was offended, and I didn’t respond right away. Then I said to him “at first I was offended by your response. I’m not pathetic and I do have self confidence and it is growing. I know You said it out of love for me, but it still hurt my feelings.” Then he wrote back “Do not apologize for how you feel.” I wrote back that “I’m not, u did hurt me and I’m not pathetic.” I have not heard back from him after that, but he was going out tonight. This dream that I had this early morning, started off with me in my old house with Rick sitting in his old chair by the telephone and answering machine. He has been dead for almost 3 years and the look on his face when I was playing back the messages from Monte on the phone and from my other friends was not good, it was strange. I realized where I got the apologizing for how I was feeling from. I was not allowed to own my emotions and feelings, I had to suppress them so that this sick man could have everything he wanted, then it warped back into me in my new apartment, a part of me is dead to the old, but still living it in some aspects. Why am I doing that? I do not have to be sorry that I am angry with him, that he hurt my feelings, or that in my opinion he is being stupid again. I have every right to feel that way and I don’t have to hide how I am feeling. I am still hurt by Montes’ words, though my rational side believes he said it out of love for me, but the emotional side is deeply wounded. I need to give myself some space from him for a little while. Though in my dream we were talking and I was helping him problem solve. I still believe that we have this deep connection, this connection is deeper than anything I have ever felt with anyone in my life. I am still unclear about our relationship, all I know is we have an odd one.

Fundamentalists

Fundamentalists are not in just Christian religion, but obvisiouly, in others. I find it irratating and annoying that many religious sects can forbid human rights, condoning abuses of women, children, and themselves in the name of God. I am fascinated that in the name of God or the Goddess they can treat someone with disrespect. There are many sects in the many religions some good, some bad, though in the Middle East they do culturally treat women as slaves, I am sure there are some who do not like this view point. Not too long ago in our own history, we were not allowed to vote, and we were in essence treated as slaves. We have our freedom now, thanks to many pioneering women in history who didn't want to be sufficated by the fierce fist that was jammed in their mouths.

Questions

1. What do you think of space? Do you think we should explore it, or stay here on Earth and tend to matters here? I think we should explore space, we can learn much from the other planets.

2. If you could travel anywhere off Earth, where would you go? Why? There are two places I would love to go, the Sun and Jupiter. I think it would be cool to see the sun first hand, of course, I’d have to have protective gear from the heat. Jupiter looks so beautiful from pictures I have seen, it would be awesome to see it in person.

3. Do you think we're doing enough to facilitate science? Why/why not? What would you do to change things? I cannot answer this question, honestly. I think science is important, we can learn to cure diseases, explore things, and there are so many aspects to it.

4. How much patience do you have when it comes to your health? How much is too much? What do you do to fix the situation? I don’t have much patience, I should, because I need to take care of myself. Lose the last 130 pounds and become active again, get my blood pressure under control and eat better.

5. What's the one thing you have zero patience for? Why? I have zero patience for inconsiderate and judgmental individuals. The reason why is, because we all have faults, differences, beliefs, and things that are wrong with us. I have no right to condemn, demoralize, ridicule, insult, inflict, violate, or hurt anyone’s feelings in these matters and I don’t like having it done to me. I avoid these types of people like the plaque. The funny thing is some of my family is like this and they do not realize it, they do it under the name of God.

6. What are the top 3 things in your life that are most important to you? 1) the individuals in my life who have stuck by me no matter what and have forgiven me and believe in me. 2) finding happiness for myself and discovering what I am all about 3) finding balance in my life through love, truth, and grace.

7. Do you take steps to facilitate the importance of those things? How so/how not so? I believe so, I value the people in life, I am there whenever they need me to encourage them, love me them, and listen, I also am loving me too. That helps in relationships as well. I am trying to find happiness, learning what it is I truly and engulfing myself in these things. I am finding balance by admitting that I am human, that I have to learn and accept that I am not perfect and things will not be perfect EVER, and that I can still do things in spite of the imperfections. I am not in denial about these things anymore. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes and making amends to myself and the people I’ve wronged.


8. Would you ever think about changing the way you do things (priorities) so that you can pay more attention to the things that matter the most? Yes, I would. That is the step I am at right now. I am taking in consideration that I am important, that I do not have to cater and take care of anyone but myself. I do not have to give away my money, possessions, or time to anyone. It is not being selfish to say no and it is not being a horrible person either. That is finding the balance in things. Life is about balance.

9. Do natural disasters (earthquakes, hurricanes, blizzards, tsunamis) worry you? Why/why not? No, things will happen, you can’t stop it, so why stop living.

10. Where you live, which natural disaster are you most prone to? Does it make you want to move somewhere else? Why/Why not? We get wind storms, fires, and earthquakes once in awhile.


11. Have you ever been affected by an Act of Nature? If so, do tell! Yes, we have had floods here in the North West on several occasions that affected me.


12 Are you really into music? Does it get you excited, or can you take it or leave it? Yes, I love music. There is so many different types of music and I enjoy most of them. It can make me feel good when I am blue or when I need to relieve some anger or anxiety it does, or even when I need to relax. I do not know how to play an instrument, but I do know some musicians and I have great respect for these individuals that can play notes and make their own music. Showing there passion in how they play, I enjoy it a lot.


13. .Do you look forward to new albums coming out? Are you one of those ppl that waits with bated breath, or do you just buy albums when you are walking by a kiosk or something like that? No, I am not like that. I lived with someone who was like that with Elvis, I hated it. I generally down load my music off the internet or I buy my CDS at a used CD store like Everyday Music. I down sized a lot with the music, though I do enjoy it a lot.


14. What kind of music did you listen to as a kid (0-18)?. What do you listen to now? I loved country, Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, and I loved Rock N Roll Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Van Helen, Pat Benetar, Poison, and Whitesnake . I enjoy the same music, but I have added some new stuff to it. I can’t get enough of Mary J Blige’s song Enough Crying, it fit’s the mood I am in now. I also discovered Tori Amos and I love her music now too. Her words are so awe inspiring to me.



15. What are your favorite colors? Do you use them in your everyday life (clothing, decor, etc)? I love Pink, Red, and Black. I love most of the colors too, but these are my favorites. I have a red mirror that I bought at the good will last summer and I have it hanging in my living room. I have black in my home too and I have pink too. I wear pinks and reds a lot too.

16. What is your favorite type of food? How do you incorporate it into your life? I enjoy Italian and Greek food a lot, I love to incorporate different types of cuisine in my life. I enjoy cooking and making up recipes, though it is more fun to cook for someone else, but I am learning to enjoy my own cooking for just me. There is a great Greek restaurant in Portland that I have enjoyed going to, I haven’t been there for awhile, I am thinking of treating myself one day soon.

17. What are your favorite types of clothing? Why? I am casual, though I do like to wear dresses and skirts on occasions, especially doing the summer time.

18. Do you like to garden? Why/why not? If you do, what type of gardening do you do? Yes, I miss having a plot to call my own. I am blessed that I have my own deck and I have a container garden. I am growing basil, oregano, dill, thyme, rosemary, and chocolate pepper mint in pots. I also have Glads, Pansy’s, Sweet Alyssums, Begonia, Parsley, Fuscias, and another pot that I do not remember what is in it. They are flowers that resemble roses, but they aren’t. I enjoy my deck now, I have a nice chair and my wind chimes and bird feeders out there.


19. Do you have plants at home/at your office? Are you able to keep them alive? Yes, I have a lot of houseplants, and I am able to keep them alive. I love them, they create such a pleasant atmosphere to my home and they produce good oxygen too.

20. Are you the kind of person who needs live things around (plants, flowers, etc) or does it not matter to you? Why/why not? Yes, I love having my plants, I do not know how I lived so long without them before. I didn’t start growing house plants until after Rick passed away, maybe because I had to take care of him and I couldn’t fathom taking care of anything that need time and attention. I want to get a fish tank full of fish soon too.

Feminism and the Davinci Code

I read this interesting article on the Davinci Code and women. I found it interesting, because the movie brought up a lot of anger out of the Christians, mainly the Catholic Church. This article is intriguing and it gets you to think. Enjoy….

Land Of The Living

“Land Of The Living” written by Nicci French is a spell binding book. The heroine, Abigail is put through quite an ordeal. Losing her memory, not being believed that she was kidnapped and tortured, and made out to be some mad woman. It has intrigue, romance, mystery, and an ending that is truly inspiring of how strong a woman can be. I highly recommend this novel, I started it last night and I had a hard time putting it down to do anything else. Abigail literally tortured, slowly being choked to death by a crazy serial killer, who has killed many women before her. She escaped, in the hospital they didn’t believe her story. They thought she made it up to explain the bruises for the battery she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend, whom she left 4 days before she was kidnapped. She didn’t realize she left her boyfriend, until she was released. The courage, strength, and determination to prove herself and the way she captured the psycho and saved another poor woman is grand. If you get a chance, I highly recommend you read this fantastic novel.

5 Things

If money, time and opportunity were no issue, what five things would you most like to do?

1. Go and stay a month in Italy
2. Go to a spa for a week and have all the treatments done, once a month.
3. Buy my dream home and have fun decorating it.
4. Buy myself a mustang
5. Buy myself a beach house and stay a month in the fall there.

The Davinci Code

I just finished a great book called “The Davinci Code” written by Dan Brown. Now it is time for the movie, I wanted to read the book before I watched the movie. I enjoyed this book so much, the art history, spiritual history, and the mystery is so captivating to me, why couldn’t it be true? Rick was a Catholic when he was in his younger years. He went to a Catholic private school, and they really are that strict and violent at times. They destroyed the great Alexandrian Library, after I heard that I lost respect for the high authority of the pope, bishops, and priests, they have to seek out and destroy anything that held any truth from the people. It reminds me of the Christian churches in America and everywhere. Why destroy knowledge that will help you find out the truth of what is out there? They did this with the Dead Sea Scrolls when a small boy found them in the 40’s in Quaram, they also left out important books of the bible that were written by women, I want to obtain and read the book of Mary.
I am not bashing Christians or Catholics, I am angry that people can bluntly, violently, violate someone’s freedom of choice in religion, politics, and themselves just so they can have total power, total control over their person hood, so that these people in power can feel like they have control of everything that a person says, does, and finances. Well they may have control of their things that they can see or hear, but they cannot control a persons thoughts or spiritual things around them. That is internal and can only be controlled by that one individual. Will they ever learn that?

Darkness and Light

Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
-Meister Eckhart

Dead Mans Chest.

I watched the new movie with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom “Pirates Of The Caribbean Dead Mans Chest”. Man oh man, it is a great adventure packed movie, I liked it. I liked the first Pirates movie too. It is so awesome. Johnny Depp is so hot dressed as a pirate. I am glad that I went and saw this movie, I recommend it.

Happy Fourth Of July

Happy Independence Day!!!!!

Ilussions

I am sadden by the illusion that I have made for myself. The illusion of the life that I thought made me happy. The death of my soul, the death of my one time happy spirit. Why did I rip my heart out and leave it out on the platter for the carnivorous vampires to eat? I can see my beating heart laying there as they tiptoe around, circling my body, licking their lips, waiting for the right moment to pounce on it and start eating. I can see the blood dripping from their mouths when they looked up into my eyes. My eyes showing the pain and the confusion, slowly the life drained from my body. I suddenly cannot feel anything, no pain, no emotions, no feeling in my arms, legs, and my heart. Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I lay their willingly being their sacrifice? I lost control over my body, I gave it up willingly. AS I lay here defiantly, fighting the ultimate control over my spirit, I am suddenly alone. The black spirit, that stunk, cried, wailed, tortured, scorched every one who showed any real love towards me, causing them to run to close their hearts to my pitiful body laying in the pool of blood. I suddenly realize no one can save me, no one. I have to save myself, am I able to. The beautiful spirit that I possess is rising, above the clouds of doubt, self loathing, and pain that has overtaken my entire life. No more, there is hope after all. I am capable of loving and being loved. I am worthy of love, even if I have to give it to myself. Though I dream of a companion, someone to share my hopes, dreams, and life with, it, is easier to be alone and scare off the people who dare to come near me. That is what I have done, to the good prospects, I scare them off. I have to show my passion for my life, how else is someone going to see me, if I don’t open the closed doors to myself. I am expanding my possibilities and moving forward. I hope it is not too late in a few of my relationships, I hope that time and my change will make a great difference.

How Interesting

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 100% Dragon 83% Mermaid 75% Faerie 75% WereWolf 25% Demon 17% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Musings

I have had a busy mid week, I finally got a haircut after talking about getting one for a year. I love it, it is layered and is cut where it doesn’t show my thinning hair. I bought myself some treatment for my thinning problem, part of loving me. Amber’s boyfriend has never seen my hair down in the year that we’ve known each other. Seeing me with my hair down and Jackie, Ambers little sister cutting my hair in the kitchen was priceless. I looked beautiful that night when I went and saw Superman Returns, by the way it's a good movie, go see it. I went and bought the necessary hair care products for my hair, I hope this stuff works with the regrowth of hair. I am learning new and interesting things in my life about taking care of myself. I have known it is something that I must do, now I am feeling strong and capable enough to do it.
I went to Windy Ridge last night with Amber and Russell. I have not been up on that side of Mt. Saint Helens since they reopened Johnson’s Ridge when I was a teenager. I forgot how steep those stairs are, but I made it up. It was my first hiking excursion for the year. It felt great doing it. The drive was way long, but well worth it, at least I had great company.
I finally bought a nice chair for my deck outside, I already have the beautiful plants, bird feeder, and chimes, I just needed a place to sit and relax at night when the sun is down. It feels wonderful to get this done, so I can enjoy my work.
I am tired, something strange is happening to me inside, I cannot explain it.