A great journey in progress!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Death and Rebirth

Misery, what exactly is it? The definition in the dictionary states its meaning as extreme pain, distress or misfortune, great unhappiness. This word describes me to the bone. I am unhappy, last night having an old friend who opened up my eyes with one statement broke the last cord of denial that I have for myself. I am living like I used to in Longview, in misery, hopelessness, despair, hurt, pain, suffering, and in disgust. The reason I wanted to sell the old house in Longview was to start again in Vancouver, breaking the cycle that I was on. When I least expect it, it crept back in. I am disgusting and pathetic all over again, living in my own perpetual hell. How the hell do I get out of this road I’m on?
This fracture ankle, I knew it was a sign that something has to change. The change has to happen inside of me, I have listened to advice from my sisters Joy and Vickie, to my friends Amber and Monte, to my mom, to whomever. I am not sure, I am not taking away the knowledge my loved ones have, but I am also needing to find my own path down this road that I am clearly on. I am a firm believer that everyone is on their own road, they have their own truth. I sometimes forget to remember this, especially, when a dear friend or family member is in need, but it is all true. I am so consumed by this morbid grief, that is killing my spirit and soul, making family and friends run from me, that I am torturing every aspect of my life. This demon that has this hold on me, will not let go. What is my own truth? Do I have the strength and power to usurp this negative energy and make it into something positive for myself? The match has already been lit, the flames long ago burned out, I am now ashes. Reconstructing this woman has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. I have encouraged, helped, supported, loved, cared for, cried with, and laughed with all my friends and family, but I have never done these things for me. I took a tarot card reading from the Gaian Tarot Oracle website. I enjoy this ladies writing, insights, and her art. She draws and makes her own tarot cards. I found her site on another blog that I enjoy reading, writer Kim Antieau. I have never read her books, but my sister Joy has and loves her work. I got the Lovers card in the Opportunity section, the Builder in the Challenge section, and the Death and Being Born card in the Resolution section. Isn’t that interesting? My questions were, I asked two, they were: What about my relationships with Monte and Amber, what is in store with them and then I asked one about myself, about my future and my life. I clearly have to grieve, I clearly have to break down, in order to rise about this hell that I am in.
I am on a quest of some sort, for what I am not quite sure. Time will reveal what is in store for me, I can only make plans for right now. I have to be a mindful thinker and not a mindless one. I know what I have to do, I have to get these last 135 pounds off, so I do not end up like a cripple. The weight is crushing the bones in my ankle. It is scary. I am unable to walk, which is a pain in the ass. I feel like a pathetic loser. These tears that are formed in my eyes, crying over the loss of me, having friends looking at me pathetically, how in the hell did you get yourself to be like that? The scorn, the negativity, and the every beatings of myself, in my head. I am feeling so stupid, so pathetic, a loser again. I let myself go, I have turned off the power, passion, exuberance that I felt towards life when I was young. I know the exact moment I lost it, is it possible to gain it back? Has it really been beaten out of me?
This emotional turmoil will not stop, does it ever, it seems insurmountable when you are burned to the ground and are only ashes. I got news of my sister and her possibility of having cervical cancer, I so much want to be there in Alabama with her, holding her, crying with her, talking with her. I suddenly realized how much she means to me, I love her so much. We call ourselves the weird sisters, we are most definitely strange to the bone. Then another change in my friendships with Amber and Monte. I realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate they can be. I do not love them or care about them any less because of these two qualities. I am opening my eyes to reality and what I must do for myself. I love these two people greatly, and I will never tell them to get out of my life. That is simply not acceptable in my book, it is hurtful. I have had it done to me many times and I am not willing to let someone else go through it. It sucks, when you are suddenly hit in the face with a dose of reality that you did not expect. I also understand that they are having a change in their lives themselves, I do not judge them for it or condemn them for it. It is apart of human nature. Change happens, I can either lay their, crying like a fat whale on a beach getting ready to die, or I can be a fighter and figure out a way out of this place. I am choosing to be the fighter that I know I am. If I can fight for others, why can’t I do that for me?

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