Life Sucks

How do you let go? Let go of the things that are tying you down, making you feel like shit. These are the questions that are going through my mind at this present moment. I am miserable, in pain, frustrated, lonely, sad, and most of all angry at the world. Why am I in the same exact spot that I was in before? I hate this, I loathe it to the fullest extreme. I’m tired of being stuck in a perpetual wheel of grief, suffering, pain, loneliness, and anger all the time. Right now, I just want to tell everyone in my life to fuck off. Really, to fuck off, leave me the hell alone, but then I think, I love these people, some of them at least. The reason I am angry is their resilience to get back up on the horse every time something bad happens to them. Monte, keeping on calling those hotlines meeting new girls to talk to, meet, and stuff. Amber with everything going well for her. Here I sit, alone, suffering, hurting, angry, in pain, and not knowing how to get out there. I don’t want to meet anyone right now, I have so much wrong with me. I am living like I am in my 60’s or 70’s, when I am in my thirties. I can’t walk, I can’t function as a person. I am stuck in this house, alone, crying, wanting more than I can have. I feel like sometimes no one cares about me, then I realize it is my selfishness, my loneliness, my anger and pain that is speaking. I am being irrational, in their own way, they care. I mean for goodness sake, Monte came over Friday night brought me groceries and got my mail for me. Amber is coming up on Tuesday to take me out to run errands. My foot prevents me from functioning at this moment. I do not understand this emotional state that I am in. I have never been this way in my life, I cry at the drop of a hat. I bet it is the years of muck, debris that is finally coming out. I have been on a quest of digging myself out of the world of denial and illusion that has been before me for so long. I am not sure half the time if I am up or down, whether I should go this way or that way. All I know is I am tired of this hell right now. Things are suffering all around me, it is noticeable. I am tired of it, I have to do something. What it is, I do not know.