Ilussions

I am sadden by the illusion that I have made for myself. The illusion of the life that I thought made me happy. The death of my soul, the death of my one time happy spirit. Why did I rip my heart out and leave it out on the platter for the carnivorous vampires to eat? I can see my beating heart laying there as they tiptoe around, circling my body, licking their lips, waiting for the right moment to pounce on it and start eating. I can see the blood dripping from their mouths when they looked up into my eyes. My eyes showing the pain and the confusion, slowly the life drained from my body. I suddenly cannot feel anything, no pain, no emotions, no feeling in my arms, legs, and my heart. Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I lay their willingly being their sacrifice? I lost control over my body, I gave it up willingly. AS I lay here defiantly, fighting the ultimate control over my spirit, I am suddenly alone. The black spirit, that stunk, cried, wailed, tortured, scorched every one who showed any real love towards me, causing them to run to close their hearts to my pitiful body laying in the pool of blood. I suddenly realize no one can save me, no one. I have to save myself, am I able to. The beautiful spirit that I possess is rising, above the clouds of doubt, self loathing, and pain that has overtaken my entire life. No more, there is hope after all. I am capable of loving and being loved. I am worthy of love, even if I have to give it to myself. Though I dream of a companion, someone to share my hopes, dreams, and life with, it, is easier to be alone and scare off the people who dare to come near me. That is what I have done, to the good prospects, I scare them off. I have to show my passion for my life, how else is someone going to see me, if I don’t open the closed doors to myself. I am expanding my possibilities and moving forward. I hope it is not too late in a few of my relationships, I hope that time and my change will make a great difference.